The Shared Misadventures of Girls Dorm 2
by SerenaKo413
Summary: A bunch of Mariya/Kanako oneshots for the fandom. Can be AU or canon universe, with little to no connection to each other.
1. Kanako Miyamae's Misfortune

**I don't own Maria Holic or anyone in it.**

Chapter 1: Kanako Miyamae's Misfortune

Alternate Title: _My Cross Dressing Jackass of a Roommate Gave Me a Bag Monster that Saved My Life!_

* * *

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, t_ _oday is the day your beloved daughter Kanako has waited for months and days and weeks to arrive! '_

Normally, Kanako Miyamae would have woken up at noon exactly on a Saturday- either woken up by Mariya and/or Matsurika's cruel pranks or her alarm clock- but it was not a normal day for Kanako.

Not only was it the first time she had ever woken up before Mariya, it was a day of beautiful girls, both undressed and dressed in beautiful cosplay, a sight normally only fantasized about by the girl, yet soon, she would have the Ultra Passion Yuri Yearly Magazine in her hands, and be able to see her fantasies take form!

She had a very simple plan to do so.

First, leave as early as possible and change out of her school uniform in order to reduce the chances of people from her school recognizing her and arousing suspicion.

Second, take a bus, go down to the bookstore, then pick up the magazine.

Third, take another bus and come back.

See, simple! So simple even a monkey (or a certain yuri-minded girl) could do it.

But considering the fact that fate, luck and Mariya tended to kick her down to the ground any time she tried doing something, it would be better to have her mother on her side. Or in this case, around her neck.

Kanako snuck over to the desk where Mariya's rosary and her cross pendant was held, not wanting be yelled at by a groggy Mariya, and opened it wide-

She found that, while Mariya's rosary was safe, her cross pendant was nowhere to be seen, replaced by some sort of unsightly seafood.

 _'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Where is it, where is it?!',_ Kanako screamed inwardly (and outwardly, if only a little, and under her breath) as she dropped to her hands and knees, searching the floor beneath the desk for any sign of her missing cross pendant.

"Oh look, the pig decided to wake up early." Mariya's voice called out.

"This is not the time, Mariya!" Kanako replied, still searching.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" He asked condescendingly, as Matsurika entered the room.

However, whatever witty comment Matsurika was going to say was promptly cut off by Kanako's wail of despair.

"I lost it! My pendant! Forgive me, Mother in Heaven!"

* * *

"Idiot."

"I AM IN ACTUAL PAIN AND DISTRESS AND YOU INSULT ME!?" Kanako cried in disbelief.

"I'm afraid your brain must be missing the essential parts for both memory and logic, because if you had them, you surely would have known what happened to your pendant," Matsurika deadpanned, stoic expression still on her face.

"Okay, question number one. What is this?" Mariya demanded, holding up the _thing_ that had been found in the drawer.

"Some sort of... seafood?" Kanako guessed, squinting at the slimy... whatever it was, trying to determine precisely why Mariya would ask that.

"I'm surprised you got that right, " The blonde commented mockingly. " It's the stomach of a beluga whale. Next question; what past incident you gotten yourself into involves seafood?"

"I did not get myself into an incident like that!" Kanako protested.

"Answer the damn question."

"Um..." Kanako thought and pondered, trying to identify a memory that fit Mariya's criteria.

Suddenly, the memory came to her, striking the black haired girl like a lightning bolt.

"The incident with Ryuuken's fangirls!"

"Oh look, she does remember. Too bad she still isn't capable of logic," Matsurika stated.

Talking slowly, as if he were speaking to a child (which he kind of was, in an intellectual way) Mariya said, "Your pendant was replaced with the stomach of a beluga whale. Ryuuken's fangirls love replacing your stuff with seafood. It's so simple, I had thought even you could figure it out."

Without saying a word, Kanako grabbed her demon-infested bag and strode in the direction of the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Mariya asked.

"I'm going to beat her over the head until she gives me back my pendant." Kanako replied, face determined as she held up the bag.

"Since there is a living creature inside, wouldn't that count as animal cruelty?" Matsurika asked.

Kanako thought this over for a few seconds, before saying, "Then I'll feed her to it instead."

And with that, the black haired girl walked out of the door, still in her nightgown and searching for Honoka's room.

"She's going to get herself arrested for indecent state of dress. How sad," Matsurika muttered vacantly.

* * *

"HONOKA TSUTSUI, ANSWER ME!" Kanako screamed, pounding on the girl's door.

The door opened with a bang, and Honoka Tsutsui stood in the doorway, looking irate. Kanako noticed she was wearing nothing but her frilly black pyjamas, . It's amazing how Kanako was so angry that her nose didn't start to bleed like a gusher.

"What are you doing?!" Honoka demanded, crossing her arms over her chest. "It is too early in the morning to deal with your antics!"

"Honoka Tsutsui, you stole my cross pendant, didn't you!" Kanako pointed at the other girl accusingly. "You and the rest of Ryuuken's fanclub are the only ones who would do something like this, stealing a precious memento and replacing it with seafood, and I'd like my pendant back!"

"Wait, what?" Honoka's eyes widened with shock. "What pendant?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" Kanako yelled, loud enough to wake up those sleeping in the dorms. "You stole my pendant!"

"No, you've got it all wrong!" Honoka protested. "Me and the rest of the Ryuuken fanclub have left you alone ever since you and Kiri started dating, so it wasn't us!"

"Then who could it be!?" Kanako implored, dropping to her knees.

"Who would be so cruel as to steal my most precious object?" She sobbed, completely unaware of the crowd forming around the two of them, composed of the girls who were awakened by Kanako's screaming.

"Her stuff was stolen?"

"How dare they! Stealing from a fellow student!"

"What was stolen exactly? Maybe I can help."

Whispers and questions bounced around the hallway, but the raven haired girl they were either referring to or directed at was too busy crying to notice. Which meant that she was too busy crying to even get a nosebleed from the fact that most of them were in their pyjamas.

"Kanako!" A high-pitched voice carried through the hallway.

 _'Oh no, he just_ had _to come along to rub it in my face.'_ Kanako groaned inwardly, sure that Mariya would somehow find a way to mock her right in front of everyone without blowing his cover-

"God says she found your pendant in one of the third year dorms!" Mariya exclaimed, smiling widely.

What.

* * *

"So... it was one of Father Kanae's fangirls, trying to frame Ryuuken's fangirls?" Kanako asked in confusion as she and Mariya walked to their dorm room together.

 _'What kind of sloppy and quick conclusion is that?'_ Kanako wondered. _'Normally a plot like that would take up an entire episode.'_

"Just be glad you got yourself out of that situation quickly," Mariya answered, now in his normal low-pitched voice. It didn't matter, most of the students went back to sleep after the matter was resolved, so the hallways were deserted.

"This is entirely your fault!" Kanako whined. "If you never told Father Kanae about my non-existent dead brother, then he wouldn't try to invade my privacy, so this would have never happened! Plus, your hints made me think it was Ryuuken's fangirls!"

"Not my fault he's trying so hard to help you get over your traumatic past. Or that you were wrong," Mariya retorted as their room came into view.

But once they reached their room, Mariya continued walking.

"Where are you going?" Kanako questioned.

"Archery competition. Go do whatever for the day." Mariya said offhandedly.

Satisfied by that answer, Kanako turned towards the door, pulling her key out of her pocket-

Only to find that her nightgown didn't _have_ pockets.

"Wait! Mariya!"

* * *

Unable to find either Matsurika or Mariya (who was mysteriously absent from the archery range and the area around it), Kanako decided to embark while wearing her nightgown. The pale pink garment could easily be mistaken for a casual dress, and (the frilly hem fell to her knees, and the neckline encircled an area close enough to her neck), so there was almost no chance of public indecency on her part! (Take that, Matsurika!)

Wearing the pendant around her neck, she was armed with both the bag demon hanging off her shoulder and the cash she managed to find in her bag pocket (just barely enough for two bus rides) , the raven-haired girl snatched her shoes from the dorm room entrance (thank goodness she kept her shoes at the entrance instead of in her room) and left, determined to get her yuri magazine!

* * *

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, if that wasn't the worst thing I've ever been through, then Mariya is the kindest and most gentle soul I've ever met.'_

Kanako was sure that her hives wouldn't leave her for a week, and it was awful.

 _'A bus full of men! The male bus driver_ touched _me as I gave him the money! The horror!'_ Kanako bawled mentally as she entered the bookstore.

The sight of the beautiful big-breasted woman at the cashing counter made Kanako sigh in relief. Not only was there no chance of hives, the woman was one she recognized and whose face (and breasts) were recorded in her mental scrapbook of beautiful ladies.

"Ah, Miss Miyamae," The woman called out, smile on her face. "Here to pick up more of your father's magazines?"

"Yes, thank you." Kanako replied, nose dripping just a little bit of blood.

She began using her father's identity in middle school to buy porn magazines and appeared in the store under the guise of an obedient and simple daughter fetching something for her father. Thank god the bookstore clerk believed it.

"That'll be one dollar and twenty five cents," The clerk said.

"W-wait, wasn't it paid for online?" Kanako asked in mild panic.

"We've changed our policy in the past year. You now need to pay in-person when picking up reserved items. And I'm afraid we can't give you a refund for the money you paid online."

' _Gah! If I pay that much, then I won't be able to pay for the bus! Which do I choose: yuri, or a ride back home?'_

* * *

If you thought Kanako was actually going to choose a safe way back to the dorms, you were wrong. The things she would do for her perversion are endless.

Holding a plastic bag with her precious magazine in one hand and her bag demon in the other (like she would _ever_ endanger her precious yuri by putting it in the same container as that _thing_ ), Kanako wandered aimlessly in the direction she believed Ame no Kisaki was in.

The black-haired girl stopped suddenly, feeling her stomach rumble,akin to the way it did during the entrance ceremony, a roar emitting from her stomach, demanding food that was available.

' _I forgot to have breakfast because of the pendant incident, and I don't have enough for any snacks.'_ Kanako thought as she gazed down at her one dollar coin sadly.

And as if it heard her thoughts, pitch black tentacles emerged from her school bag, holding some kind of grey particle.

' _Is this food?'_ Kanako wondered as more and more of the grey object was lifted from the bag, until something, a memory, came to the forefront of her mind.

 _"Hint 3; it can eat a full-grown elephant in one bite!"_ Mariya had said about the monster in her bag.

He had failed to mention that it could somehow keep a full-grown elephant in her bag without her realizing it.

Kanako screamed as the elephant's entire body rose from her bag. She was vaguely aware of people around her screaming as well, but whatever fears she had of being crushed were crushed as well when she realized that the elephant was not above her head, nor was it in a position that might harm her should it be dropped.

Instead, the tentacles were holding the animal out to her, almost as if... it was offering it to her.

 _'Oh my god he was serious about the elephants. But how in the world was I carrying an elephant in my bag without noticing? How did it even fit? Do elephants taste good?'_ The black-haired girl mused, before she saw what was wrong with that last question.

 _'I can't eat elephants!'_

Again, as if it heard her thoughts, the bag demon devoured the elephant in a single bite, leaving no trace it ever existed.

"Whoa! What kind of magic trick was that?"

"That was amazing!"

"The power of technology, huh..."

Around her, the crowd congratulated Kanako on her magical expertise, and bills and coins were placed in her hands. With the amount given to her, there would be no problem affording the bus.

' _Dear Mother in Heaven, thank you for this good luck!'_ Kanako thought, with tears of happiness running down her face as she held the money in her hands like it was life itself.

It wasn't until the crowd dispersed that the tall girl realized she had missed the bus.

* * *

It took nearly four hours for a bus headed towards Ame no Kisaki to show up, and the black-haired girl's stomach was slowly eating itself inside out, not to mention her skin was covered in hives because much of the crowd who gave her money were men, but Kanako Miyamae was happy.

Her treasured magazine was now safely in her possession, and she was headed home, with much of the afternoon left to enjoy the yuri that she went through many trials to obtain.

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, thank you for helping Kanako make it through the day's trials and obstacles safely. She will spend the rest of the day contently reading her yuri in her room, thanks to your guidance. '_

Unfortunately, as Kanako descended from the bus and headed towards the dorms, she didn't notice the shadow following her, yet another obstacle in peaceful, simple day she desperately wanted to enjoy.

Just as the outline of the dorms came into view, a close voice spoke in her direction as she walked.

"Hand over your bag," The voice commanded Kanako. She froze and turned around, before gasping.

The thief towered over her, a feat made more commendable by Kanako's already impressive height, with a long trench coat and an easy going look on his face, like he was doing something as casual as washing the dishes instead of threatening a girl at knifepoint.

Shock drove all the blood from the cerulean-eyed girl's face, while fear increased her heartbeat. She wanted to scream, she wanted to run, so naturally, she did both.

"Shit!" The robber cursed, chasing after Kanako.

* * *

(Mariya Mode!)

A scream echoed around the school grounds, making everyone who heard it pause in shock.

At the archery range, Mariya Shidou whipped around, still carrying his bow strained with the arrow he was about to shoot, and began running towards the source of the scream.

"Wait, Mariya!" Yuzuru objected, trying to stop him.

"Kanako is in danger, Yuzuru! Please tell a teacher!" The blonde pleaded in his female voice. And of course, Yuzuru immediately left to do as he asked, swayed by his charms and the severity of the situation.

Ignoring the murmurs of the judges and other competitors as he raced towards the scream, Mariya was silently cursing in his head.

 _'Just what did you get yourself into this time, idiot?'_

* * *

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, Kanako is just about to join you.'_

Staring at the knife before her eyes, pressing her back against the wall as if she was going to phase through it, Kanako Miyamae prayed. For a miracle, for a quick death, for anyone to save her, possibilities ran through her mind, but she knew it was nearly impossible.

"Now, you've caused me a lot of trouble," The man said, smirking down at her, reminding her of Mariya, strangely. "So now, there's no chance I'll let you live."

KanakoKanako shut her eyes, tears running down her hive-ridden face as the robber raised his arm and-

' _Huh?'_

"What the hell?!" The robber yelled, attempting to free his knife from the tentacle's grasp. But the slimy tentacle had wrapped itself around his hand and wrist tightly, refusing to let go.

 _'It's... protecting me?'_

Frozen with shock, Kanako simply could not comprehend that, yes-the bag demon that Mariya had given her had actually saved her life and yes-carrying the bag demon with her had actually been a good idea.

She was so shocked that she didn't even see the arrow poking through the thief's stomach.

"What do you think you're doing?!" A familiar low-pitched voice insisted, pulling Kanako out of her shocked state. He kicked the robber, knocking him down, right before stomping on the arrow shaft, pushing the arrow in deeper and snapping the shaft in half.

"You idiot, get out of here!" Mariya ordered, casting his ruby red eyes on the girl, who was still leaning against the wall with shaky legs as her mind struggled to comprehend the new turn of events.

 _'Mariya? Tentacle bag? Dead?'_ She wondered as her thoughts became sluggish, like every concept had to be filtered through a layer of jelly before making sense.

Suddenly, her mind shut down, like the battery running out on a computer before you even realize it was low. Shutting her eyes, the last thing Kanako could remember was a dulled pain in her chest, before something warm and familiar sprayed her in the face.

 _'Blood?'_

* * *

Kanako Miyamae woke up in a realm of pure warm cerulean.

There were no objects, no skyline, no ground, just a world of light without a single speck of anything else to defile the purity of the place. The only word you could call it was peaceful.

Smiling as she submerged herself in the peaceful feeling, Kanako wanted to sink into it forever.

 _'... Kanako...'_

 _'What is that voice?'_ Kanako wondered, desperately holding on to the remnants of the calm presence torn into pieces by the interruption.

 _'So much blood loss... With all the nosebleeds she's had this year, I'm not sure if she has enough blood left to survive this.'_

A voice tore through Kanako's serenity like tissue paper, and even if it was futile, she strove to submerge herself in tranquility once again.

It almost worked. Silence prevailed in the shattered remains of the placid realm, and the serene safety of the place returned, though not as overwhelming as before.

Sighing, Kanako smiled, glad to return to the peace and serenity-

 _'Wake up, dumbass!'_

-and she curled up on herself, ready to sleep forever-

 _'Don't you dare die on me, Kanako Miyamae!'_

-and strangely, KanakoKanako felt as if her mother's arms were embracing her, a warm nostalgia filling her veins-

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, please hold me like this forever.'_

* * *

Kanako Miyamae woke up in a hospital room full of silence.

With tubes stuck inside her arms, hives scattered across her body and a strange dullness in her chest, her body was almost unrecognizable. Even though she was no stranger to pain, the itching of the hives, and even the light-headedness of blood loss, she didn't feel it, even if it was supposed to be there.

"It's called anesthesia, moron," Turning her head, the raven-haired girl could see Mariya, in a sundress with his hair still in pigtails and bags under his eyes. He was sitting in a chair by her bed.

"You're in the hospital after the man who attacked you was caught by police, who were called by Yuzuru Inamori, just in the nick of time," Mariya explained. "His trial is coming up soon. They want you to be a witness, but if you're not healed up soon, then the jury is having the trial without you."

Blinking, Kanako let the information filter into her amygdala and hippocampus before asking her question, struggling to word it coherently through the drug-induced haze.

"Why does my chest hurt?"

"The robber cut you in the chest, and ended up nearly cutting your Superior Vena Cava. You're lucky you survived, considering how much blood you have left in your body," Mariya sighed. "You really are troublesome, you know that?"

 _'Huh?'_ Kanako wondered. _'I'm surprised he hasn't tried to hit me or call me a pig or something. He usually does that even if I'm bleeding.'_

"Just get some sleep. I'll yell at you when you're not dying," Mariya reminded Kanako, less harsh than usual, but remaining the sadistic roommate Kanako knew for months.

As Kanako tried her best to follow his orders, she smiled, not completely at peace, but close enough for her.

* * *

(Mariya Mode!)

"Are you sure, Miss?" The guard asked. "It's dangerous to be in the same room as a criminal, especially without guards to protect you."

"I am," Mariya confirmed, smiling his usual smile. "After all, he's chained and wounded, so I don't think he'll be able to hurt me."

Sighing pensivelt, the guard opened the door for Mariya, before shutting the door.

Once he was inside the room where the robber was held, Mariya Shidou dropped his (admittedly fake) smile, along with his (also false) voice, glaring into the eyes of the robber with the intensity of hellfire.

"You are going on trial for pedophilia, sexual assault, attempted robbery and attempted murder," The blonde stated. "I might not have enough legal power to throw you straight into jail without a trial, but believe me, you're getting there. "

"With the combined testimonies of Kanako Miyamae, the tragic victim, Mariya Shidou, the beloved idol of the school and accidental heroic bystander, and Yuzuru Inamori, the witness to your misdeeds today, you will surely get a guilty verdict. And I'm sure that the jury will be out for your blood after hearing of poor Kanako's misfortune."

Mariya smirked, one a hundred times more sadistic than the one he wore when tormenting Kanako, continuing with his tirade.

"You made the worst mistake of your life when you first targeted Kanako. She is under my surveillance, so I won't allow bastards like you to kill her off while I'm watching her. You then proceeded to fuck things up for yourself even more when you enacted your plan to rob her. But the most awful thing you've done, and one I can't forgive, was making her cry."

"Have fun rotting in prison, bastard!" The blonde said with his artificial high-pitched voice, a smile on his face as if he truly was congratulating the criminal on his terrible fate.

Mariya Shidou then practically flounced out of the room, leaving the man to wallow in his own misery.

Of all the girls he could have chosen, he just _had_ to choose one that had the devil himself as her sworn guardian.

* * *

The moment Kanako was well enough to leave the hospital, Mariya dragged her inside the dorm room, face red with rage. Kanako immediately got on her knees, ready to beg for her life again.

"JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, YOU DAMN IDIOT YURI GIRL?!" Mariya yelled, pigtails flying up in anger.

Kanako didn't respond, other than a nod of the head. Mariya continued with his ranting.

"YOU SNUCK OUT OF THE DORMS IN YOUR PYJAMAS WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR FUCKING BAG, SPEND SIX HOURS PICKING UP A GODDAMN YURI MAGAZINE AND NEARLY GET KILLED. JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FEW BRAIN CELLS YOU HAD LEFT, DUMBASS?!"

A pause spread throughout the room, broken only by the sound effects of Matsurika's game, infuriating Mariya even more.

"WELL?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF YOU BITCH!?" He demanded.

"Th-thank you," Kanako stuttered, shocking Mariya into silence. "I...um, well, I would have died without your help and your bag, so thanks?"

"Dumbass."

"I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO THANK YOU AND YOU INSULT ME?! WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ARE YOU?!"

Matsurika was the only one who noticed that as the two bickered, Mariya was acting much kinder now than before...

... but only when it came to Kanako. Sighing, she continued to play her BSB.

* * *

 **My first story! Yay! I hope you enjoyed it, even if it was super long.**

 **Originally the pendant thing didn't happen, but I realized that Kanako needed a good reason to leave her room in pyjamas in order to get locked out of her room in pyjamas. And if you're wondering where Mariya and Matsurika were, they were in the change rooms, getting changed. It's a good thing Kanako didn't think to check in there, or she would have ended up in the hospital for an entirely different reason...**

 **I'll work hard so the next chapter is out soon! Bye, and have a nice day/night/afternoon!**

 **Addition: 06/20/2015**

 **I have an editor now! And now the story is amazing and wonderful thanks to her work! Yay!**


	2. Mariya Shidou's Marriage

**Maria Holic does not belong to me.**

Chapter 2: Mariya Shidou's Future

Alternate Title: _My Perverted Idiot of a Wife is Still the Annoying Idiot I Remember! What a Relief!_

* * *

Plenty of people around the world were nearly bursting with excited rumours; some completely outlandish, some terrifyingly realistic

How could they not, when someone as celebrated as Shizu Shidou was getting married- and to an unknown baker at that?

Gossipers called the woman lucky, and the man insane, but never once did they say this to either of the two.

Instead, they gave cheap pleasantries such as ' _Congratulations on your union',_ or _'When are the babies coming?'_ , or 'sometimes even ' _I can see why you love her so dearly'_.

At the last one, Shizu scoffed. All they saw was a tower pole with boobs who must have seduced the great Shizu Shidou somehow. People who knew her better saw a frail woman who fainted and bled with the same dreamy smile, at the most inopportune moments.

How could they possibly see the woman who still gets nosebleeds at the strangest sight, yet refuses to take pictures since the last celebration of Sachi's birthday? How could they see the woman who passed both business and cooking school, despite being the only person in Ame no Kisaki history to fail all of her subjects? The woman who grew out of her fear of men, yet still ran for the hills if she caught a glimpse of Father Kanae? How could they see the woman who grew so much and so little from the perverted idiot of his memories?

No, there was no way anyone except for him could see what he saw in her.

That's exactly why, from the moment the ceremony started, to the two of them entering the bedroom together, Shizu's smile was completely genuine, and held no signs of malice or cruelty anywhere.

(...at least until Kanako found out that no, Shizu did not refer to the kind bifauxnen she met in high school, but to 'Mariya-mon' and promptly started screaming)

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed it! Please have a nice day/night/whatever!**


	3. Kanako Miyamae's Graduation

**No. I don't own anything in the Maria Holic universe.**

Chapter 3: Kanako Miyamae's Graduation

Alternate Title: _My Cross Dressing Jackass of a Roommate Still Remembers to Call!_

* * *

It was the happiest day of her life, and yet, as Kanako Miyamae took the stage, there were tears in her eyes. The euphoria was completely unrelated to stage fright, nor was it caused her the blood loss: seeing beautiful girls in graduation gowns all around her led to many, many nosebleeds.

The now older girl would miss this place, from her friends to the dorm room she lived in throughout the years. Even Mariya and Matsurika, as cruel as they were, Kanako would still miss them- but only her dear mother in Heaven would know why.

Shaking her head to distract herself from the sentimental thoughts, Kanako slowly took the microphone in her hands, and began to read the speech she had worked so hard to write in between her work as Student Council President and studying for final exams.

"Hi, I'm Kanako Miyamae, and... " Kanako paused, gulping as tears built up in her eyes once again. Looks like the crying was related to stage fright after all.

Sucking in short bursts of air, and clutching the papers in her trembling hands, Kanako tried to read the words she had spent so much time working on. The words were too blurry for her to read and her voice got stuck in her throat, so she threw the papers on the floor in frustration.

"I'm really nervous," She confessed. "Even if all of you are my fellow students and classmates, it's really nerve-wracking to stand here and make a big speech, so I'll make it really short, okay?"

"I came to Ame no Kisaki because I wanted to see and feel and learn some of the things my mother did during her time at this school," Kanako improvised. "And I can honestly say that now I have gotten so much more than that. With friends that stand alongside you through the hardest are beautiful ladies, inside and out, who are always ready to help: this school truly is a wonderful place. You can learn all you want from a textbook and answer every question perfectly, but the real value in this school is the friends and connections you make in your time here. And if this is even a little fraction of the happiness that awaits every student here, then I am glad that each young woman on this stage with me will be graduating with happiness in her heart and memories of good times."

The crowd applauded the flushed girl as she bowed and ran off the stage, remaining in a state of red-faced and sweaty panic for the conclusion of the ceremony. Not registering the praises thrown at her by the columns of people she passed, she ran outside of the building-and straight into her cross dressing bastard roommate of two years.

"Nice speech," Mariya said with a smile on his face, one of the few genuine smiles Kanako had seen in all the time she had known him.

It was a good thing that Kanako's face was already red as possible, or she might have blushed even more.

"Th-thanks, wait a minute," Kanako paused, realizing something. "You're going to say something like _'now I'll finally have peace'_ or _'hurry up and get out of here, pig!'_ and completely ruin my day, aren't you!" Sticking her fingers in her ears, the taller girl exclaimed, "Well, now I can't hear you, so you can say anything you like and I won't be affected!"

"I was _going_ to congratulate you on graduating, but suit yourself," Mariya stated, smirk back on his face.

"Wait what?!" Kanako demanded, shocked. "Praise?! From you?! Is the world ending? Have you finally decided to start the apocalypse and return to your role as prince of evil?"

"Fine, if you don't want it..." Mariya trailed off teasingly, smirk still on his face.

"No, Mariya! Praise me! Praise me!" Kanako begged.

"I couldn't believe that entire speech was improvised with how beautiful it was," Mariya confessed, turning away as the smirk fell off of his face, leaving a serious expression.

It was a heartwarming and dramatic scene, which was of course completely ruined by his next words.

"I'll miss teasing you. Messing with your head is a surprisingly effective stress relief."

Kanako gasped and cried, "Even if you followed it up with a sadistic insult, you still admitted you would miss me! This is more than I could ever dream of!"

"Shut up, you damn yuri girl!" Mariya blustered, though the angry tone of his voice was accompanied by an amused smile.

"Fine, fine," Kanako waved it off, before continuing with a smile. "But rest assured, this won't be the last you'll see of me!"

"And just what are you planning, dumbass?" Mariya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'll study really hard in college so that I can become your assistant thing or whatever it's called!" Kanako declared proudly.

"Why should I hire you when you don't even know the name of your job?"

"Because I don't trust you around high school students, and the beautiful maidens of Ame no Kisaki need protection from their satanic chairman, preferably from a glorious sensei like me!" The graduate said jokingly.

"Be honest, you only want to hit on girls," Mariya responded. "If anything, the students of the school need protection from _you_."

"Say all the cruel things you like, but my determination will not falter!" Kanako announced.

"Have fun doing that then," The blond sighed.

"Yup!" Kanako cheered. "Take care of Miki while I'm gone, okay?"

Changing her joyful expression to one of extreme ire, Kanako added, "If I hear that you've taken advantage of my adorable sister's innocence or broken her heart again, I'll come back just to castrate you."

"Pick a threat that you can actually accomplish, bitch," Mariya countered dismissively.

"Of course I can accomplish it!" Kanako affirmed. "If it's for my precious little sister, then I would gladly kill you!"

Rolling his eyes, Mariya pulled a scrap of paper out of his skirt pocket and handed it to the taller girl.

"Huh? What's this?" Kanako wondered as she read the numbers written on the paper.

"My phone number," The shorter boy answered. "If you ever feel like talking to Miki, just call me and I'll hand the phone to her."

"Thank you. I almost can't believe that you're the same asshole that I've been living with for years," Kanako retorted drily. "Did you and Shizu switch somewhere while no one was looking?"

"Shut up, future co-worker," Mariya said, before holding his hand out to Kanako. "I look forward to working with you, _Ms. Pig_."

"The same to you, _jackass_." Kanako replied, shaking the blonde's hand.

Then she realized it. The itching, the redness of her skin...

"AAAAAAAAARGH! THE HIVES! I HATE YOU!"

The air was then filled with Mariya's derisive laughter and Kanako's screams, much like the days in Girls Dorm 2.

* * *

(Miki Mode!)

It should have been the happiest day of her life. Miki Miyamae was sure of it.

But while watching her crush and idol talk so casually to her sister, with careless insults and threats back and forth, jealousy began to completely consume the youngest Miyamae sister.

She should have been happy.

After all, it was her sister's graduation. A joyous event. Now Miki would be the one sharing rooms with Mariya, and therefore she would be able to spend all the more time with him.

She was supposed to be happy.

There was no chance of Kanako winning against her, since Kanako wasn't even playing the game. Ultimately, her older sister wasn't attracted to men, sexually, romantically or even platonically, and she broke out in hives when she touched one. Any chance of a relationship between Kanako and Mariya should have been impossible right? It should've been completely impossible for Kanako to develop any feelings for Mariya, since she was only attracted to women.

But that didn't change the fact that whenever Mariya looked at the ditzy, perverted girl, his eyes revealed his fondness, nor did it change that the two were amazingly comfortable with each other since Kanako's birthday. It didn't change the reality that, despite Kanako not even playing, or even being aware of it, she had managed to win Mariya's heart anyways.

She wasn't happy. Not at all.

During school, despite rooming with him like Kanako did, Miki never got anything more than a 'good morning' and a 'good night' from Mariya. Despite being in the Student Council with the blonde and the archery team with him, their conversations never reached topics beyond work and improving one's aim.

It was unfair that the only times Miki ever heard Mariya speak casually was when he was talking to Matsurika or on the phone with Kanako.

She hated it. She hated _her_.

The big sister who had supported the brunette all her life was stealing away her true love without even trying. Miki hated it, hated her sister, hated herself for being so cruel to her dear older sister. And yet, Kanako had still accomplished something Miki had worked her whole childhood to do. Her dear older sister had won the heart of Miki's prince, without any attempt on her part.

Which is why every single time Kanako called, Miki would make an excuse, and why, every instance her dear older sister visited, she would pretend to be sick in the infirmary. It wasn't fair of Miki to do this to Kanako, but Miki couldn't stand to see her older sister. Not while she was overwhelmed with hatred and jealousy.

It wasn't fair, but that was the reality of the situation.

No matter how you look at it, a happy ending with Mariya seems completely impossible for Miki.

And that's exactly why she hated it all with a burning passion.

* * *

 **I feel really bad for being so mean to Miki. :(**

 **But shes very mean to Kanako when she shows up. Like, calling your sister embarrassing in front of others is just cruel, even if it's Kanako. Doesn't help that she calls Kanako cruel for telling her the truth. So I feel like the weird love triangle is like a punishment for that.**

 **Or maybe I just like torturing Miki. Ei** **ther way this is the first angst chapter.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever! See you next update!**


	4. Kanako Miyamae's Rosary

**No.**

Chapter 4: Kanako Miyamae's Rosary

Alternate Title: _My Cross Dressing Jackass of a Roommate's Maid Gave Me a Rosary that Lets Me See My Dear Mother! What's Going On Here?!_

* * *

Kanako couldn't sleep. Ever since she had accepted Matsurika's gift of a beautiful rosary, the raven-haired girl began hearing strange voices in the were voices she couldn't recognize, and they kept her awake with soft, melodious tunes.

 _'Child, child, why do you flee?_

 _Child, child, why do you weep?_

 _Gently, gently, follow me._

 _To the sleep that you seek.'_

On the eighth day since receiving the mystical rosary, Kanako saw a ghost.

A woman with long, flowing hair that reached her ankles and covered her face, wearing a steel grey gown that was hanging off her shoulders was standing next to her bed, stroking Kanako's pitch black hair as she sang more notes of her enchanting song.

 _'Come, come, follow me._

 _Gently, softly, come with me._

 _Child, child, without a sound,_

 _Follow but don't turn around.'_

The woman turned and left, while still singing her lullaby. Like a puppet connected with strings, Kanako followed her, silently and gently, itching to hear more of the song.

Kanako followed the woman through the halls of Girls Dorm 2, not stopping until the two of them reached the roof, when the woman's song turned dark.

 _' I'll kill you softly, without a sound._

 _So please, please don't turn around.'_

The otherworldly figure turned, pushing her hair away from her previously obscured face, to reveal the face of Kanako's mother. Her face was covered in blood.

Gasping as she saw her ghostly mother, Kanako stepped backwards, with her heart pounding, and her back hitting the wall, . Her mother rushed towards her, grasping her wrists and pinning them to the wall, all while smiling serenely, looking completely at peace as her middle child struggled to escape her grasp...

"Kanako, it's time to wake up," A familiar high-pitched voice chirped.

The first thing Kanako saw was the smiling face of Mariya Shidou, who was wearing his frilly nightgown as he pinned his roommate to the bed.

It was quite possibly the first time Kanako was actually relieved by the sight of Mariya pinning her to the bed.

* * *

 **This was an attempt at horror. I'm not entirely sure what it is now.**

 **Originally, Kanako was supposed to dive off the roof to reach her mom, but then I realized that the song lyrics sounded a lot like a serial killer talking to a kid, and then this attempt at horror happened.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and I'll see you next update!**


	5. Mariya Shidou's Quiz

**No. Nothing in Maria Holic belongs to me. Absolutely nothing.**

Chapter 6: Mariya Shidou's Quiz

Alternate Title: _My Perverted Idiot of a Roommate Just Won't Be Honest! How Annoying!_

* * *

Attempt # 1: Semi-Direct Approach - Kanako Miyamae

"Here, fill this out." Mariya commanded as he shoved a piece of paper in Kanako's face.

"Huh? What's this?" Kanako wondered aloud as she read the piece of paper.

"Shizu wanted to know," Mariya lied, before cursing mentally. He should have just told her that it was a school survey or some other plausible lie, because now-

"Huh? Sh-Shizu wants to know my favourite flowers? And favourite restaurant?" The temporarily apprehensive girl asked, before a dreamy smile broke out on her face.

 _'Great, now she's fantasizing about her 'yuri love' with my sister.'_

As if his plan wasn't hard enough without factoring in Kanako's unchanging preference for girls-

-and before you ask; yes, the plan is to ask Kanako Miyamae out on a date. His offer was not just any date, but the best (and maybe first) date she's ever been on.

If you're wondering _why_ Mariya Shidou, school idol to peers and outsiders, sadistic jackass to victims Kanako and Matsurika, was trying to ask Kanako out on a date, well... The reason should be obvious, right? There's no need for him to explicitly confess, but-

(Matsurika: Wow. Even in his monologue he refuses to admit it.)

Shut up, Matsurika.

 _Anyways,_ he... had grown fond of the idiot, despite her existence as the most perverted and unintelligent person Mariya had ever met. Kanako was unexpectedly endearing, and... gah, does he even need to say it?!

It's not like he was the only one who was interested, either, nearly every single supporting character had fallen for Kanako as well ( the only exceptions were Momoi and Inamori , since they were secretly dating). Hell, the only reason Ryuuken didn't confess at her graduation was because she was too nervous!

(Matsurika: You glared at her with such intensity, I was surprised her head didn't explode.)

Again, shut up Matsurika.

"Hey, wait a minute," Kanako called out, pulling Mariya out of his thoughts. "Shizu already knows this stuff from our sleepovers, so it wouldn't make sense for her to ask me stuff she already knows, right?"

Suddenly gasping, the suspicious yuri girl then began to speak hurriedly, "Wait, is this another one of your wicked plots? Are you going to buy all of my favourite things just to end up burning them and leaving me thoroughly traumatized? It is, isn't it?"

 _'Damn! She actually figured it out!'_ Mariya cursed, while he still wore his perfectly bored expression, and said, "And why would I do that? That scheme would exhaust too much money and effort to be considered worthwhile. It would be easier for me to just buy your favourite restaurant and change the menu."

"No!" Kanako wailed. "Leave 'Heart's Delight Cafe' out of this! I can't live without their Chocolate Combo Blast Blizzard!"

Smirking, Mariya quickly took notes in his mind as he continued the merciless teasing of his roommate.

 _'Favourite restaurant: Heart's Delight Cafe. Favourite food: Chocolate Combo Blast Blizzard, whatever that is.'_

Result: Success!

* * *

Attempt # 2: Direct Approach - Yuzuru Inamori

"Kanako's favourite flower? Why?" Yuzuru asked in confusion as they walked into the archery building together.

"I just wanted to celebrate our first year of being roommates with a little party. But be sure not to tell her, it's a secret." Mariya lied in his usual soprano imitation as he smiled mischievously.

"Ah, I get it," Yuzuru said in realization. "But I'm sorry. I don't know what her favourite flower could be. You might have better luck with Sachi or Nanami."

 _'You're fucking useless!'_ The blonde thought as he thanked his fellow archer with an understanding (how could he possibly appreciate that answer) smile.

Result: Failure

* * *

Attempt # 3: Direct Approach - Sachi Momoi

"Ah, for Kanako's party?" Sachi concluded.

"Yes. Please keep it a secret from her," Mariya smiled.

Pulling a book out of her pocket ( _how_ ) Sachi began speaking at an unbelievably fast pace, saying something along the lines of, "I-don't-know-much-about-Kanako's-favourite-things-but-I-do-have-this-book-on-flowers-you-can-borrow-and-maybe-a-bunch-of-party-hats-and-a-BB-gun-"

"Uh, thank you, Sachi," Mariya said, interrupting the orange-haired girl and taking the book, before rushing out of the room in order to avoid more babbling and useless treasures.

Result: Semi-Success?

* * *

Attempt # 4: Direct Approach - Nanami Kiri

"I believe Kanako has a particular fondness for sunflowers," Kiri stated.

Mariya was about to praise the girl for being the only one of the imcompetent trio to give him some actual concrete information (keeping that specific reason to himself, of course!), before she continued to drone on in that monotone, factual tone.

"I have often seen her tearing the flowers out of the ground, and then proceeding to pluck the flowers while muttering and finally stomping on the petals. Perhaps this is some strange habit formed out of her love for the plant."

 _'Do you even know what love is?!'_

Result: Failure

* * *

Attempt # 5: Discreet Approach - Miki Miyamae

No. Mariya Shidou was not nervous at all. It just happened to be that his heart was beating slightly faster, and that his fingers were drumming at the wooden desk, matching the beat that pulsated in his ears. And it was only a coincidence that the blonde was scanning the horizon so intently. After all, the view was beautiful;who wouldn't want to engrave every part of that remarkable scenery into their memory?

"I'm back," Matsurika announced, with none of the typical enthusiasm shrouding the traditionally reassuring statement, using the door for the first time in forever.

Mariya turned to face the maid. "So how did it go?"

"The younger Miyamae sister immediately found out what you were planning and ran away crying," The silver-haired maid reported. "That's what you get for asking me to do it instead of asking her yourself, coward."

"What, you think I'll just walk up to the girl that's in love with me and ask how to ask her sister out on a date?" Mariya argued. When Matsurika didn't respond to his complaint, he added, "You cannot be serious."

"I am," Matsurika stated. "Only a few months ago, you were bragging about using your bauty to seduce people without effort, like the conceited drag queen you are. I wonder why you're not subjecting Miss Miyamae #2 to the same treatment. Perhaps you just have a fondness for women of the Miyamae lineage."

Mariya would have loved to protest, to defend his honour, or at the very least resist Matsurika's words even a tiny bit. But let's be honest, Kanako really did bring out his kinder qualities, and yeah, he was a different person from the boy who first entered Ame no Kisaki.

So instead, he could only muster, "Shut up Matsurika."

Result: Overwhelming Failure!

* * *

(Kanako Mode!)

Something was wrong. The moment the door opened, she could sense the oppressive dark aura of anger and hatred surrounding him, and subsequently deduced that he was _pissed_. In fact, he would have probably have ripped her throat out if he discovered she was now in his company.

So the raven-haired girl slowly turned, so as to not alert him, and she was sure to close the door _quietly_ -

And of course, the hinges creaked.

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, I'm going to die, oh God, oh God I'm going to die,'_ Kanako cursed as she spun on her foot, ready to witness the devil himself, standing in the room with flames surrounding him and scythe in hand-

Mariya smiled kindly, before greeting Kanako in his falsetto voice, "Welcome back, Kanako!"

"Huh?"

"Did you have a nice day at school? I hope your classmates were kind to you," Mariya said pleasantly, as if he weren't emitting a foul aura of pure anger just a moment before.

Something was wrong.

"Um, yeah, I guess they did?" Kanako replied, utterly befuddled by Mariya's abnormal behaviour. Normally, if he was angry, he would lash out at Kanako, so maybe this was build-up to one of his explosions?

"Great!" The blonde's smile became slightly strained, as if the rage that was hidden behind that blinding grin was building up pressure, beginning to shine through the cracks in Mariya's composure as he attempted to keep up his act.

Warily, as if her roommate was a volcano with lava pent up and just waiting to release itself (from the stone prison of Mariya's acting skills), Kanako stepped back slightly. Her mouth spewed words intended to pacify in an attempt to save her own life. These are just a couple of the desperate pleas that slipped past her trembling lips: 'I'll sacrifice twelve dead goats to you if you let me live', 'Please don't kill me, I have a sister to live for, not counting the other one'.

Because this is Kanako we're talking about, that turned out to be the worst possible option for her.

"Get out," Mariya commanded forcefully, his smile gone and Kanako could swear she saw the depths of hell in his eyes.

Theterrified girl was all too happy to comply, and she had no desire to delve into whatever had gotten Mariya so mad. After all, everyone had issues that they don't want others to pry into.

* * *

Attempt # 6: Direct Approach - Shizu Shidou

Sitting on the cushiony mattress of Mariya's bed, Shizu could not help but wonder where Kanako was. Considering that the room belonged to both her brother and the other girl, she should have been present, but Mariya spoke before she could voice that question.

"Alright, spit it out," Mariya demanded forcefully, arms crossed. " Tell me everything you know about Kanako Miyamae from these supposed 'sleepovers' of yours."

"Eh? You want me to tell you about Kana?" Shizu inquired. "But you're her roommate and all..." She paused, before realizing something. "Ah! Are you going to ask her to go on a date with you?"

Mariya couldn't believe how dense his sister could be sometimes. Maybe that was how she and Kanako got along, not to mention their shared hatred of men.

"Was that not obvious?" He whined impatiently, wearing with a face that screamed 'are-you-kidding-me'.

"Sorry, I didn't notice," Shizu replied. "I haven't seen Kana ever since we were sent to that weird time place together."

"What."

"Boss caught me sneaking snacks into the dorms, and then she sent me into this weird time place where I spent a lot of time helping Kana with her studies," Shizu elaborated.

"Are you serious?" Mariya coerced, disbelieving.

"O-of course!" Shizu responded.

Putting a hand to his forehead and sighing, Mariya decided to disregard that strange account and continue with the interrogation.

"So, what did you learn about Kanako?" He questioned, continuing with the line of inquiries in order to obtain the information he needed.

"Well, I know that she really likes this place called Heart's Delight, and that she loves lilies and that cooked liver is one of her favourites," Shizu rambled, playing with the hem of her sweater nervously.

"Thanks," Mariya said dismissively, before smirking. "Because you've been useful to my mission, I'll overlook the incriminating fact that you've spent so much time with my future wife."

"You're confident you'll be able to seduce Kana?" Shizu asked.

"Of course, it should be no issue for someone as charismatic as me," Mariya retorted, cocky smirk still in place.

"Then I wish you good luck, big brother," Shizu smiled.

Mariya muttered something under his breath, but Shizu didn't ask him to repeat it again. It sounded a lot like "Thanks Shizu."

Result: Success!

* * *

(Kanako Mode! Again!)

What.

 _'What the hell?!'_ Kanako thought, unsure of what her eyes were seeing.

Her visual organs were telling her that, instead of two beds and a desk, sitting in her room was a small, circular table. The white wood was seemingly glowing as the soft sunlight was reflected off the opaque surface. Resting in a vase on the table was a single lily, placed in between of twelve crimson roses. Two chairs were seated at the table, and they were both structured by twisting lengths of alabaster wire curved to make the four legs and a heart-shaped back. One happened to be occupied at the moment, and the seat was taken by none other than her roommate.

He wore in a pearly gown swathed in lace and frills. Mariya looked so innocent and sweet, Kanako would have thought he was an angel if not for his trademark pigtails and mole under his left eye.

There was no way her eyes were telling the truth or her ears, because Mariya would definitely never say what Kanako had thought she just heard _ever._

"Hello Kanako, would you like to sit down? I prepared this date specifically for you! Now eat up!"

* * *

 **I'm back! Sorry for waiting so long, my lifeguard exam was yesterday, and I passed! YAY!**

 **Also, is it weird that I think that God can be the supervisor for both Ame no Kisaki and Mori no Mihoshi? I think the only difference is that at Mori no Mihoshi, God wears a dog headband instead. And maybe a cat. Because why not.**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoy the chapter, and have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update!**


	6. Mariya Shidou's Challenge

**I don't own anything except for a computer and three hairties.**

Chapter 2: Mariya Shidou's Challenge

Alternate Title: _My Perverted Idiot of a Roommate Can Be Hot When She Feels Like It!?_

* * *

"I decided to keep my hair long," Kanako said, running her fingers through the ponytail swept over her shoulder. "After all, as appealing as the short-haired tomboy look is, the lovely long locks of a proper lady has its own appeal too, don't you think?" She paused, waiting for an answer.

Mariya didn't answer, only silently placing his face behind his book, demanding that his face turn back to its normal, radiant pale color, and that his heart stop beating so quickly.

It was a _hairstyle_. It wasn't Kanako suddenly growing even taller, or becoming a respectable member of society, the only thing she had done was wear her hair differently. It was still the same pervert who got nosebleeds all the time and nearly died of idiocy more times than he could count, so why was it affecting him so much?

 _(If anything, the fact that it was Kanako made it even worse)_

Undeterred by the lack of response, the raven-haired girl continued, "Once my friends see me as a beautiful proper lady, one of them is bound to fall head over heels for me!"

"Impossible," Mariya retorted, smirking as he fell back into a usual routine. Stupid comment from Kanako, respond with an insult, repeat until you're satisfied. "A pervert like you would never be considered a proper lady.

"Huh?" Kanako gasped.

" On top of that, a proper lady is supposed to be knowledgeable in all subjects, whereas _you_ have abysmal grades in _every single one_. In short, it's literally impossible for you to become a proper lady. "

Glaring, Kanako protested, "Hey! I'm the perfect candidate for a proper lady! If anything, I'm much more qualified than _you_ , since I'm an actual lady!"

Raising his eyebrows in a 'really now' gesture, Mariya responded, "I might not be a lady, but I'm more proper than you could ever hope to be in your lifetime, _pig._ " Raising the pitch of his voice and smiling, he added, "Isn't that right, Kanako?"

"You'll see!" Kanako declared, "I'll become proper and then I'll outrank you! I'll be so damn proper that they'll remember me as the perfect proper lady for years!"

Mariya scoffed, "Try something that's actually possible dumbass."

The blonde then left the room, leaving for classes, blissfully unaware of how serious the older girl was.

* * *

Something was strange from the moment he opened the door. Even Matsurika noticed it.

Of course, Mariya's side of the room was pristine, not a single speck of dust or dirt staining it, which meant that the issue was with Kanako's side of the room.

Kanako's bed, which was usually left in the same unkempt state in was in that morning, and the morning before that and so on, had transformed drastically from the wrinkled pillow cases and hastily discarded blankets of the morning before. In its place were folded sheets without a single wrinkle, and a neat pile of books (study guides? yuri?) stood on top of the bed.

The carpet was vacuumed, a cleaning spray was sprayed around the room and Kanako's bookshelf was rearranged, but none of that compared to the biggest change in the room.

Kanako, with her hair in a large bun held up with bejewelled pins, a navy kimono with cherry blossoms twisting and curling around her body, was kneeling on the spotless carpet, waiting for them.

 _'What the hell?!'_ Mariya demanded mentally as the silence stretched on.

Matsurika broke the silence, face black and voice monotone as always as she stated, "Master Mariya, the pig must have moved out. There's no way a pig could live anywhere but a pig pen, after all."

"Excuse me for interrupting, Mistress Matsurika, but pigs are actually very hygienic creatures, contrary to widespread opinion," Kanako responded with a smile.

"Ah. How knowledgeable, how well-spoken. The polar opposite of this room's previous occupant," Matsurika retorted. Her monotone voice snapped Mariya out of his shock-induced haze, allowing him to ask the only question on his mind. Well, more of a scream really.

Either way, all of Girls Dorm 2 shook at the volume of Mariya's "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

* * *

(Yuzuru Mode!)

Yuzuru Inamori's school life was never normal. Her three best friends were a sunny orange-haired girl who could hold the entire universe in her pocket, a raven-haired girl with the grades of an idiot who lost enough blood to fill a blood bank in only a few months and a bespectacled brunette with the personality of a super computer. You would have thought that she would be used to any antics the three ( _especially_ Kanako) might throw at her.

You were wrong.

Ame no Kisaki's best archer was completely dumbfounded by what her eyes were seeing.

Sitting at her glittery, sparkly desk with perfect posture, a navy kimono draped over her form, was Kanako Miyamae, even if the girl sitting at her glittery, sparkly desk was nothing like the Kanako Miyamae everyone knew.

For one, the girl in the kimono seemed graceful and composed, the exact opposite of the fainting, bleeding and all around _odd_ person that was Kanako Miyamae. Another thing was that her hair was much longer than one would expect to be possible for it to grow in a week's time. Lastly, _where did she even get that kimono?!_

Yuzuru Inamori really should have been used to the antics of her friends by now, but she was even more shocked when Kiri borrowed a megaphone from Sachi, and announced to the class that she fully supported Kanako's attempts to become a proper lady.

Sighing, Ame no Kisaki's best archer began to work on her homework, wondering why, exactly, her life was so weird.

* * *

"Welcome home, Master Mariya, Mistress Matsurika."

"You're still doing that?" Mariya asked, exasperated.

"Of course, persistence builds the road to glory," Kanako responded, not even looking up from her novel.

Mariya was beginning to get bored with 'Proper Lady Kanako'. She didn't scream when he touched her or break out in nosebleeds or anything! He missed the old Kanako's fun reactions, and this version of her was not allowing the blonde to get his fun. That needed to change.

Fanning himself with one hand, putting the other to his forehead, the blonde began gasping for air.

"Oh Kanako! It's so hot outside, I can't breathe!" He cried, inwardly smirking at the growing redness of the raven-haired girl's cheeks. "Please, could you help me out of my school clothes? I'm burning up!"

"I-I," Kanako hesitated, covering her face with her sleeve, before she remembered something. "Mariya, the dorms are air-conditioned."

 _'Goddammit.'_

"Ah, I've been lying, the truth is, I want you to undress me, to feel your fingers brushing against my skin, and ," Mariya stopped, as a spurt of blood erupted from Kanako's nose.

 _'Finally, things are back to normal.'_ He smiled as Kanako began screaming about the unfairness of his trick.

(Kanako shocked all of class 2-A by showing up to school the next day in her uniform, saying something about 'a certain someone' getting rid of all her kimonos.)

(Unrelated to the above, the next day, God received a rather large box containing various kimonos. She promptly threw them into the pile of objects with tragic histories.)

* * *

 **Okay so. When I had the idea for this fic, I was planning on having alternating 'Mariya' and 'Kanako' chapters. That idea died after the first three chapters. I'm beginning to wonder if it ever had a chance of surviving in the first place.**

 **Also, this is the first time since the first three chapters that there were multiple chapters released on the same day, and within several minutes of each other, no less! Hooray! I was actually working on both of them at the same time, while studying for lifeguard exams, which is why it took so long.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update!**


	7. Kanako Miyamae's Profession

**No.**

Chapter 9: Kanako Miyamae's Profession

Alternate Title: _My Cross Dressing Jackass of a Boss Won't Stop Messing With Me at Work!_

* * *

A pendant of a cross. A bag housing a monster. Several photo albums.

Those were the items that Kanako Miyamae treasured most in the world, but despite that, she didn't hide them away at home. Instead, those objects had found a home on top of her work desk.

It wasn't like Kanako distrusted the apartment's security, but her mahogany desk seemed like a much better home than tucked away inside some musty old drawer, right? They were within her sight every moment she was at work, allowing Kanako to both protect her possessions and remember how dear they were to her at the same time.

Her pendant was a gift, from a friend so long ago that she forgot who it was. Every time it hung from her neck, it brought memories of childhood, smiling children running wild, laughing in delight, and it always brought a grin to the raven-haired woman.

The photo albums held times of her high school years, the friends she made, the incredible things done in her second year alone, and a sense of nostalgia, each one of them having a list of phone numbers on the last page, with notes reminding Kanako to call at the soonest opportunity.

The bag... well, it was technically a gift. Even if the intentions were cruel, and there was a tentacle monster inside, it was still a gift. One from the most sadistic, cruel, demonic roommate Kanako ever had. Who happened to be her boss.

The blonde had won the competition by technicality, but being the perverted bastard he is, he _still_ wore women's clothing around the school.

"My, my," A high-pitched voice called out, bringing Kanako out of her thoughts. "Calling me a 'perverted bastard' when you're the one with all those _'photo albums'?_ You wound me with your hypocrisy, Kanako."

"Shut up, you damn cross dresser, I'm trying to do my work here!" Kanako retorted, growling as she spun her chair around to face her boss.

The blonde demon was dressed in a sleeveless black dress that went down to his knees, a brown belt across his waist and black high heels on his feet. His hair was put in a high bun, and despite going through puberty, Mariya Shidou could still pass as woman by simply wearing the right clothes (and a corset).

"What do you want anyways?" Kanako asked, annoyed.

"Am I not allowed to check up on my favourite underling?" Mariya responded, still in the sickly sweet falsetto.

"Check up on? You just got bored and want to bother me," Kanako retorted, spinning her chair back around and reaching towards her keyboard.

"So what are you working on?" The blonde inquired, in his normal voice. He wrapped his arms around the raven-haired woman's shoulders, leaning over her to look at the computer.

Hives sprouted like flowers on Kanako's skin, causing her to screech and flail wildly, all while Mariya cackled.

On the other side of the door, a woman threw several bills on the table, saying, "Five hundred if they confess today."

Another man scoffed," As if, the two of them are too stubborn. I say another week or two."

"Two months, sixteen days," A cat-eared woman stated, placing an entire wallet on the table.

"Eh?! No way!" An amber-haired second-year exclaimed. " I say in three months, since that's the chairman's birthday!"

The cat-eared woman glared, her face darkening. "Are you willing to bet your life on that?"

"Nope! I'm sorry, Miss God! Please spare me!" The frightened student pleaded.

"You know, I've always wanted a laptop, or whatever you call it these days..."

"Anything! Anything if I'm allowed to live!"

"And just what do you think you're doing?!" Mariya demanded as he slammed the door open. "Get back to work."

Frightened, the teachers (and one student), fled. God simply disappeared in a puff of mist. Mariya sighed and pocketed the money they left on the table.

"Isn't that stealing?" Kanako wondered as she stepped inside the room.

"They shouldn't have been gambling if they weren't prepared to lose money," Mariya retorted.

The raven-haired woman sighed, preparing herself for a long argument over the morals and ethics of thievery with her sadistic ex-roommate.

 _'This school is going to be the end of me someday.'_

(Two months and sixteen days later, Mariya proposed with a ring bought with the gambling money. Kanako refused at first, because _who in the world gets married before the first date?!_ )

(She accepted right after though.)

* * *

 **Does this count as the sequel to the 'Graduation' chapter? I'm not entirely sure, but it can stand alone, or be seen as the sequel, so I guess it goes either way.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update!**

 **Addition: June 6**

 **I'm sorry! I just got a huge science project that will completely _destroy_ my grade if I fail! I'll update after I get it done!**

 **I'm sorry, please have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update, whenever that is!**


	8. Um

**No.**

Chapter 8: Um...

Alternate Title: _This is the Fanservice Chapter_

* * *

The room was bathed in warm candlelight, the curtains pulled and the lights off to make sure the candles were the only source of illumination in the room. The two occupants of the room were on one bed, one lying down on her stomach, the other straddling her back. Moans filled the room as the blonde moved his hands.

What were they doing? Um... well. It's kind of weird to describe. Okay, I'll _try_ but please don't blame me if the awkwardness prevents my narrative appeal from shining at its brightest.

The raven-haired girl, Kanako and one of the owners of the room, was the one lying on her back, her hair, having grown longer during the year, now brushed the tips of her bare back. Yeah, she was shirtless. In fact, her panties and the towel that covered it were the only things the raven-haired girl was wearing. Moans kept escaping her mouth as her face grew more and more red, feeling even more pleasure by the second.

 _(Oh no I just made it even more awkward.)_

The blonde, Mariya and the other owner of the room, was the one straddling her back. Unlike Kanako, he was fully-dressed, in a frilly black nightgown, though his face was just as red as hers as his fingers grazed the skin of Kanako's back.

Upon finding a spot where the muscles underneath the skin were tight and tense, Mariya began pressing his fingers into the skin near the spot, until Kanako let out another moan, which told him that he found the knot of muscles that needed massaging.

Yes, massaging. It's mostly innocent. _Mostly_ is the key word.

No, Kanako was not turned on by this. She was feeling the amazing healing powers of your muscles relaxing.

Mariya? ...um. Well, it wasn't his fault that Kanako sounded so damn _erotic_ as he massaged her back. Or that this was the first time the blonde was allowed to touch her for more than a few seconds, and without her screaming about the hives popping up across her back.

He was actually a bit relieved when he noticed the hives. Knowing that, even subconsciously, Kanako _knew_ he was touching her, knew that a male was trailing his fingers over her skin, instead of replacing him with a beautiful girl in her mind, gave Mariya _(an ego boost)_ a sense of satisfaction. Knowing that he was the only male who could touch the raven-haired girl and escape her screeching only strengthened that sense of satisfaction, of entitlement, of being special. Think of a kid being given the only copy of a video game that ever existed, and you might be pretty close.

But Kanako was much more special than a video game, because as much as you searched, there would never be anyone exactly like her. No one else would even come close to being as loud or annoying or fun to mess with as Kanako Miyamae. Hell, even if there was, Mariya would still miss the girl he had spent so many days with, who he had so many memories with.

And that's why, when Kanako moaned a soft, "Mariya..." , the blonde in question made sure to commit the sound, the feel of her body, the face she made to memory, since he was sure he wouldn't be able to experience anything exactly like it again.

* * *

 **No, I am not done my science project. Yes, I updated anyways.**

 **I really should be working on science, but fanfiction is stress relief. I'm not sure when stress relief crossed the line into fanservice but I hope you like it.**

 **Goodbye, and have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**

 **Addition: 13/06/2015**

 **Help. I downloaded a video editor for my science project and now there are pop-up ads everywhere and I think it deleted my footage and oh god I might fail. Also, I think it might have deleted my files. Please send help ;A;**


	9. This is the Fantasy AU

Chapter 8: This is the Fantasy AU

Alternate Title: _My Princess is a Perverted, Lesbian Idiot!_

* * *

Most people in the world would be happy if they were allowed to marry a prince before they died. Kanako Miyamae was not one of them.

To be fair, it _might_ have had something to do with her attraction to women, or _maybe_ , just _maybe_ , you know, the fact that her fiancé _was the prince of fucking darkness himself?_ You'd think that last bit might dampen anyone's mood about the whole marriage thing.

Well, it's a long story. Maybe it's best to start somewhere else.

* * *

Princess Mariya Shidou had a secret.

The perfect princess, the accurate archer, the smiling sister, the demure daughter, all of them were masks to hide that secret. Mariya was good at acting, even better at hiding undesirable things, so everyone in the kingdom was fooled.

Except for _her._

Princess Kanako Miyamae, loyal ally of the Shidou family, known for her friendship with nearly all of her guards, and her frailty, only found out by accident. Opening the wrong door at the wrong time, she found Mariya in his natural form.

Yes, _his_.

But really, when he was cloaked in darkness, his hair made of golden flames and his eyes of scarlet sparks, Kanako discovering his sex _really_ was not the biggest issue there.

The _real_ biggest issue was that Kanako immediately began spurting blood out of her nose like a geyser, and fainted in the doorway. Sighing, Mariya transformed into his human form, silently apologizing to Shizu for asking that she remain in her current form for a few more hours. The blonde lifted the princess in a bridal carry, hoping that she regained consciousness soon, because she was fucking _heavy_.

Seriously, even if the raven-haired girl had lost several tons of blood since the day she was born, it didn't make her any lighter. And the huge bags of fat attached to her chest didn't help at all. The only thing that was actually light about her was her skin tone, which was pale to the point of turning pale blue from near-constant blood loss.

Mariya ran through the corridors until he found the healer's room, at which point he kicked open the healer's door, face red from exertion and sweat forming on his forehead, wincing as the wood connected with the wall, creating a large crash.

The healers in the room jumped, before they saw Kanako in Mariya's arms and immediately processed what happened. Without a word, a group of healers prepared a bed and some medical supplies, while one lifted the princess from Mariya's arms, and then pushed him out. The door was slammed in his face as the men and women in the room began to work.

Mariya made his way back to his room, cursing the stupidity of the raven-haired girl the entire way.

* * *

Kanako Miyamae lowered herself to the ground, getting on her knees and pressing her forehead to the dirt, while words too fast to understand flew out of her mouth. It sounded something like "I'm-so-sorry-Mariya-please-forgive-me" repeated over and over, but you can never be too sure.

"Kanako, you're talking too fast. What are you saying exactly?" Mariya asked in his sweet high-pitched voice he used to pass off as a girl.

"I invaded your privacy and I'm sorry, " Kanako reiterated, still on the ground.

Inwardly, Mariya was exasperated, but that was a bit sated by the fact that the offender was grovelling on her hands and knees for forgiveness.

"I forgive you Kanako," Mariya said, somewhat sincere.

 _'Honestly, how troublesome. It's best to limit all contact with her, and stay as far as possible.'_ Mariya thought.

* * *

"Would you accept the gift of my daughter's hand in marriage?"

In response to Kanako's father, Mariya said, "Excuse me?" while his thoughts were more along the lines of:

 _'What the fuck.'_

"I understand that this is strange," The man replied. "But I assure you, Kanako is the most combat-oriented of my three daughters, and she will aide you greatly in the battle against the Monster of Mori-no-Mihoshi."

 _'Bullshit. I've seen the youngest one hit the bulls eye from the back of a horse fifty meters away while jumping. Unless the idiot is some kind of fencing prodigy, your claim is bullshit.'_

By the way, you're probably wondering about the Monster of Mori-no-Mihoshi thing, right?

Well, now is not a good time for flashbacks. Try again after the engagement talk.

As if he didn't notice the fourth wall smashing comments (of course he didn't), Kanako's father continued, "It's also rather strange for you to be engaged to another woman, but for years now, Kanako has been attracted to women, so this arrangement would make her as content as possible."

 _'Well that just makes it even more awkward,'_ Mariya thought, unconsciously looking down towards his... feet. Yes, his feet. What else would he be looking at? No, don't actually answer that.

 _Anyways_ , back to your regularly scheduled awkward engagement talk.

"Have you asked my parents?" Mariya inquired, allowing himself a little bit of hope, because surely, s _urely_ , his parents would be opposed to this, considering that they knew about the special circumstances...

"Of course. They encourage the union with all their hearts," The king replied, unknowingly crushing what little hope Mariya allowed himself to have.

 _'Dammit!'_

"Well, if my parents approve, then there is no reason I should not agree. For the good of our families, I accept," Mariya answered, hiding his annoyance and rage behind a kind smile.

* * *

 _He would never forget the first time he and his sister met a demon._

 _Standing before them was a being of darkness, with flames rising from its skull and eyes that held more malice and cruelty than even the most ruthless of tyrants. Despite being smaller than the two children, despite the two carrying crosses that should have dispersed its entire being, the demon showed no fear, instead acting cocky and arrogant, like the two siblings couldn't even hope to hurt it._

 _He pushed his sister behind him and stuck the cross out towards the being like he was scaring off a wild animal with a stick. However, the demon child only laughed as the cross was set alight._

 _"You're challenging me with a piece of wood?" The demon asked, amused. "You two certainly are brave, but hopelessly stupid. You'll be perfect for slaves, Matsurika and Rindou Shinouji."_

 _"Brother!"_

 _A girl the same age as the golden-eyed twins appeared in a flash of light, skin pale as snow with hair the color of golden wheat, and eyes the same shade of ruby as the demon. Below her right eye was a single mole. She was robed in a dress of white fabric that reached down to her ankles, strengthening the idea that she was an angel sent down from heaven to save the twins._

 _"Is it my turn already?" The demon asked._

 _"Yes! Now please stop making fun of the children and switch with me!" The blonde yelled, her tiny hands pulled into fists and puffing her cheeks out._

 _The demon reached out towards the girl, and the moment their hands touched, the darkness surrounding the demon's body slowly removed itself from the demon, traveling up the girl's arm like a snail, spreading throughout her body until she was indistinguishable from the demon a few minutes before. The Shinouji twins watched in amazement as the girl's hair caught fire, and her ruby eyes became sparks of flame. Holding her hand was a boy nearly identical to her human form, only with shorter hair, a shirt and pants and a mole under his left eye instead of the right._

 _"We really should head back now, brother," The girl shrouded in darkness said._

 _"Yes, but we should bring the new workers. Grandmother will want to meet them," The boy replied._

 _"Wait, you were serious about that?!" Rindou demanded shocked, before regretting it as the boy glared at him._

 _"You think you have a choice? Follow us, or you'll be forced to wear a leash," The boy commanded, with a demonic smirk that betrayed his angel-like appearance._

* * *

Are you satisfied now? You have a nice flashback that you can reflect upon at any time. Though it would be a bit weird to have a flashback about a flashback, but hey, who am I to judge.

Is there anymore exposition you need?

What do you mean 'that flashback didn't explain anything at all'?! It explained that Shizu and Mariya can switch forms at will! That's important! Plus how Matsurika and Rindou became the servants of the royal family!

Fine, more exposition for you, and since you're so picky, it'll be another flashback, and then we go straight to the fun stuff.

* * *

 _The people were not ignorant._

 _A monster that could kill with fear alone, leaving numerous bodies throughout the city, a being of darkness and evil, that being was the cause of chaos throughout the city._

 _The Monster of Mori-no-Mihoshi._

 _And because the people were not ignorant, they caught the Monster._

 _The only problem was keeping the Monster locked up._

 _Every time they caught it, everyone guarding the cage was killed with arrows or knives or simply dropping dead. Every single time, it escaped, with a higher body count than last time._

 _It got to the point that the royal army was called to kill the Monster._

 _But really, if the Monster was going to die, it was going to be of natural causes. After all, Mariya could not kill his little sister, and even if they switched, Shizu wouldn't lay a hand on her older brother._

 _But because the people were ignorant, the two had to pretend to fight a war with each other, in order to stay in their 'roles'._

* * *

Kanako was useless in a fight. That's what Mariya wanted to believe.

But how could you say that about someone who could kill dozens of people without gaining a single scratch?

Mariya was sure he was mistaken when he heard that from a soldier's report, but when the frail (?) princess returned that night, not a single scratch marked her body.

But despite reports of her supposed competence in battle, in person, Kanako remained an idiot, still getting lost despite living in Mariya's castle for a month, still fainting of blood loss anytime the two were in a room alone together. In that respect, things stayed the same.

It was really hard to believe that Kanako was apparently a professional killer when she acted like that.

At least until Mariya saw her kill a man with a _decorative_ knife.

* * *

Mariya Shidou knew something was wrong from the moment he woke up.

A man lay on the floor beside his bed, his blood staining the floor and the bed. The emblem of a rival kingdom on his clothing allowed Mariya to deduce that he was an assassin sent from another kingdom.

Sitting next to the man was a woman, with raven hair that fell to her chin, cut exactly like Kanako's, a wide grin on her face as she clutched the throat of the man, blood beginning to pool under her nails and drip on the floor.

Without a moment's hesitation, she ripped out the man's throat.

Blood splattered the simple pale pink nightgown of Mariya's saviour, which seemed to have triggered something in her, because the next thing Mariya remembered seeing was a blur of black and pink as the sound of laughter, bloodthirsty, unceasing, unflinching laughter as a knife was plunged into her victim's torso, over and over, unceasing.

The blonde demon's thoughts were frozen, unmoving until a flash of recognition send his brain spinning and working as quickly as possible.

 _'That's Kanako's nightgown.'_

But that couldn't be Kanako. There was no way his idiotic, perverted fiancé would do something like slit a man's throat and then stab him several times with a decorative knife.

Then who was she? This woman who appeared out of nowhere, wearing Kanako's nightgown, laughing manically as she stabbed someone with a knife too elaborate to ever be used for something so gory? This woman, with her raven hair and cerulean eyes certainly _looked_ enough like Kanako-

Wait. _Cerulean?_

What do you mean _cerulean_? Because the first thing you would notice when looking at that woman head on (if it wasn't the blood) were her eyes, glowing a shade of crimson eerily similar to the blood soaking her face.

"Prey..."

The fuck.

"Ah, it's been so long since I've had a proper meal..." The woman moaned, and there was no doubt about it, that was _Kanako's_ voice. The woman was Kanako Miyamae, and holy shit, she just killed a man. Not just a man, but an assassin, who definitely knew how to avoid confrontations and kill quietly, and yet the raven-haired woman had managed to kill him anyways.

Would this be the wrong time to add that Mariya was definitely... _excited_ about the idea of his fiancé actually being a professional killer?

Yeah, it was definitely the wrong time. Let's pretend I never said that and just move on to the next scene.

* * *

"I'm sorry!" Kanako was on her hands and knees for the second time in two months. "I didn't know that they didn't tell you Mariya!"

"Tell me what, Kanako?" Mariya asked, twirling a piece of his hair around his finger as the raven-haired girl continued bowing. "Kanako, please sit on the chair, you'll get your dress dirty if you stay on the ground."

"Of course!" Kanako immediately got off the grass and sat at the chair opposite the blonde, moving so fast that one would mistake her for a ghost if they got a picture of her moving.

"Um, well," Kanako stuttered, playing with the hem of her cream-coloured sundress as she struggled to find the words. "I faint of blood loss all the time, and they have to give me lots of spells and stuff, because, well, I need to drink blood to survive and um..."

"So you're a vampire," Mariya concluded.

"EH!?" Kanako cried out. "At least call it 'bloodsucker', or something that sounds more humane!"

"They're the same thing, dumbass!" Mariya retorted without thinking.

Both of them pausing, Kanako trying to comprehend why the 'perfectly polite princess' would swear so casually, and why she would say something insulting, Mariya cursing himself for speaking without thinking and Kanako for being so stupid that he had to insult her.

"Wha-wha-whaaaaaaaat?!" Kanako screamed.

"Shut up!" Mariya demanded as he pinched the girl's cheeks, stretching them out so she couldn't speak.

Bumps began forming under his fingers, making Kanako's entire face go red.

"H-h-hives?!" Kanako exclaimed, shocked, since something wasn't right... she only got hives when she was touched by a boy...

"Get away, stupid boy!"

* * *

-_-'

Well... it could be even more awkward. Kanako could have walked in on him changing in human form and have found out that way...

But because things turned out the way they did, there won't be any sudden twists about either of our main characters later in the season. The only twist is that-

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SHOW IS CANCELED?!

;A;

Was it the planned ending? Was 'blood-stained wedding dance' too gory for the producers?! Did people not like the main pairing?! WAS IT THE SUSHI?!

We only got to the first episode! WHY?!

* * *

 **IT IS FINISHED. Both the latest chapter and my science project! ;u;**

 **Thank you guest for giving advice to de-virus my computer, I think most of them are gone. 'Most' being the key word.**

 **Also, I just noticed that the ' _[full name]'s [random word]_ ' chapter naming scheme is officially dead as of the last chapter. There was an attempt. It may or may not have died painfully and slowly over the course of the past eight chapters.**

 **So, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update!**

 **Addition: 19/06/2015**

 **You've probably noticed that the chapter numbers at the beginning and the actual chapter order don't match. The reason is because I begin writing the chapters in a certain order, but release them in the order that they were finished. Which means that short chapters like the rosary chapter and the marriage chapter were published first, even if they were supposed to be fourth or sixth or fifth.**

 **Tldr: Ignore the chapter numbers at the beginning entirely.**

 **Also, my computer is now virus-free, but at the cost of deleting most of my progress in the past week and a few days. ;A;**

 **I'm sorry, but the next update must be delayed a bit. :(**

 **Please have a nice day/night/whatever, and thank you for your patience.**


	10. Very Long Title Here

**I don't even own a computer anymore.**

Chapter 12: Detailing the Event Where Several of Ame-no-Kisaki's Student Populace Were Scarred For Life (Metaphorically) (And Literally)

Alternate Title: _I Listened to Too Many Yandere CDs and This Was The Result_

Alternate Alternate Title: _The Yandere AU No One Asked For_

* * *

(Kanako Mode!)

Kanako couldn't help but scratch at the scar on her shoulder. The burnt skin was very irritable, even more so when she was clothed.

She hated it. The scar that traveled from her shoulder to her hips, covering her stomach and chest in pale red marks, the broken leg that forced her to use crutches to walk down the hall, the aching of bruises all over her body, she hated all of it.

But most of all, she hated _him_.

Even knowing how despicable he was, even knowing how he tormented her with hives, Kanako never expected him to be capable of murder! Every single moment spent with her, every touch and every word, was it meant to better victimize her? Every single thought in her mind involving the perpetrator of the murder and arson was tinged in doubt and anger.

After her experience with Touichirou Kanae, Kanako's trust in the male populace dropped even lower than before, quite possibly falling at an all-time low.

Honestly, the only males Kanako seemed to be able to trust completely were her father and-

No. Mariya did not count. Kanako did not even think of adding his name. Besides! He insulted her all the time! He nearly _set her on fire!_ How in the world could the blonde cross-dresser _ever_ be trusted!?

Kanako shuddered as she remembered the sadistic grin on Mariya's face as he waved around the lighter, the small flame bringing up memories of the burning auditorium that scarred her.

But the fact that out of all the people she knew, _Mariya_ being the one to save her life and carry out of the burning room, that _might_ have redeemed him a bit in her eyes-

Gah, what was she saying?! Mariya was more dangerous than anyone else in the school! And even if he saved her life, it didn't change the fact that he was still a jerk!

 _'Tsundere.'_

Kanako gasped as the revelation hit her. She was acting like a tsundere. For _Mariya_. And there's no way to deny being a tsundere without sounding like a tsundere. Which meant that the only course of action to accept that maybe, just _maybe_ , that she might feel something other than loathing towards her sadistic jackass of a roommate.

Of course, it's only because he looks like a beautiful young woman! It's not like he has a good personality or anything!

 _'Oh my god, I'm a tsundere for Mariya.'_

* * *

"What the fuck are you doing," Mariya demanded, addressing the strange lump of blankets on Kanako's bed.

"Staying in the hospital for two months has stolen all my strength," The raven-haired girl's muffled voice replied. "I would make cooked liver for myself, but I can barely make it out of bed."

"Then you'll have to settle for raw liver," The blonde retorted.

"But then I'll get sick and I'll be even weaker and then Father-" Kanako cut herself off, recognizing her mistake. "Oh right, he's in jail."

Mariya didn't respond, prompting the injured girl to continue.

"I didn't think Father Kanae could do something like this," Kanako confessed. "I knew he was stupid, I knew that he liked making me break out in hives, I knew he had this weird crush-" She paused, as the thought took a moment to sink into her mind.

 _'Father Kanae had a crush on Mariya and Matsurika, even though they're both students.'_

Kanako gasped.

"What?" Mariya asked, crossing his arms as he looked at his roommate impatiently.

"He was in love with you and Matsurika, and he obviously targeted Ryuuken because she was beautiful, which means that-" Kanako's breathless rambling was cut off by Mariya's protest.

"Slow down idiot, I can't hear anything you're trying to say."

"Father Kanae might have killed you," Kanako stated slowly. "Since he had this weird crush on you."

"And what does Father Kanae being charmed by my beauty have to do with this?" Mariya inquired.

"Because he was obviously targeted the women of the school he thought were beautiful, and since he thought you were a girl, he might have killed you too!" Kanako exclaimed, throwing the sheets off her body as she turned over to face the blonde-

Only to accidentally put pressure on her broken leg.

Kanako sobbed in pain as she tried to move into a position that relieved the pain, only to cause more and more agony as she thrashed about.

"Stop that!" Mariya commanded, making Kanako pause in her movements.

Sighing as he helped the raven-haired girl into a comfortable position, Kanako continued.

"You might have died."

"So?"Mariya said dismissively.

"Don't be so flippant about your own life!" Kanako screamed. "He slit Ryuuken's throat and set the school on fire! Father Kanae would have definitely killed you if he wanted to! And there's no revives! It's like a horror game on maximum difficulty without restarts! Are you really saying you don't care?!"

"I didn't die, so why are you worried about it?" Mariya asked, before a smirk stretched across his face. "My, could it be? Have you fallen for my girlish charms too?"

"Of course not!" Kanako protested, balling her hands into fists, before whimpering as the action aggravated some of the cuts and bruises on her hands.

Mariya sighed, before grabbing a tube of medication off of the desk, and approaching Kanako.

"Give me your hands," He commanded as he poured some cream onto his palm.

"Huh?" Kanako said in confusion as she held out her hands.

Mariya rubbed the cream all over Kanako's hands, ignoring the protests and the hives popping up on her skin. The blonde pretended not to notice the red staining the raven-haired girl's cheeks as he spoke.

"There'll be cooked liver for you later. For now, just make sure to rest and not hurt yourself anymore, or I'll give you raw liver."

Kanako pouted, but obeyed, sleeping for several hours.

When she woke up, there was a plate of steaming liver next to her bed, though the blonde was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

The trio stood before the twenty-eight latest additions to Ame-no-Kisaki's graveyard. While the funeral had been held weeks before, it had been during Kanako's stay in the hospital, and thus she asked to be accompanied to the graveyard in order to say her goodbyes.

As the injured girl leaned over the grave _(getting up from a kneeling position was still painful, so this was the best Kanako could do)_ , saying her prayers, her goodbyes, Mariya and Matsurika stood back, almost respectfully.

"Dear Mother in Heaven, please welcome my friends and classmates into Heaven with a warm embrace," Kanako concluded, before standing and facing the other two.

"I'm done," Kanako announced.

"Can I have a moment?" Mariya asked, his expression solemn as he stepped forward. "I'd like to say my goodbyes as well."

Normally, Kanako would be shocked, act shocked and say some sort of bewildered comment, but this situation was not normal. The two of them were too familiar with mourning to disrespect the practice, so Kanako simply turned and left, only saying, "I'll see you at the dorms." Matsurika accompanied her, leaving Mariya completely alone.

Crouching before Ryuuken's grave, he muttered, "You deserved something much more painful, bitch. I should have cut you into pieces."

* * *

(2 months earlier; Twelve Minutes Before Ryuuken Ishima's Death)

Ryuuken Ishima was about to die. At least, that was how she felt, being caught in the crosshairs of the fiercest glares the brunette had ever seen. It would be pretty sad to die at your own graduation, so Ryuuken hoped that the feeling was only a feeling and not a sign that she might die soon.

Surprisingly, the owner of the glare was one of the kindest and most gentle souls Ryuuken had ever met, Mariya Shidou. Her ruby eyes contained anger the older girl didn't know she was capable of, and it seemed like flames were rising from her petite form.

"H-hello, Shidou," Ryuuken greeted, trying her best to remain composed under the fiery glare directed at her.

"Ishima, can we please speak outside?" Mariya asked, voice soft and gentle, even though just a moment before, she was threatening the older girl entirely non-verbally.

The message was clear. _'Stay away from Kanako or you die.'_

Gulping, Ryuuken nodded her head, shuffling behind the shorter girl as she was led away from the other students and outside the building.

The older girl never realized that the other girl had a knife until it was at her throat.

The other students never heard her scream, and Kanako never received the love letter Ryuuken was carrying.

* * *

"You truly are a despicable human being, killing others for the sake of love," Matsurika quipped as she emerged from behind a tree, hair net on her head, gloved hands carrying a steel canister and a fabric bag.

"Shut up and pour the gasoline already, maid," Mariya commanded, crossing his arms in a huff.

"Yet you don't deny that you're in love. You really have changed, Master Mariya," The silver-haired girl replied as she poured the contents of the container over the corpse of the brunette.

Taking a small plastic bag out of her fabric one, Matsurika dumped the contents on the corpse; hair from a certain Father Kanae.

"And even ruining an innocent man's life too. You really have no regards for no one other than yourself and Ms. Pig don't you," The maid deadpanned as she pulled a lighter out of her fabric bag.

"He's worse than Kanako, when you consider the fact that all the girls he's eyeing up are half his age," The blonde replied. "At least Kanako's not a pedophile."

"I would fear for children everywhere if she was," Matsurika retorted as flames began to engulf Ryuuken's body. "She's already enough of a danger to society without including pedophilia to the list of crimes she's already committed."

Suddenly, from the back of the auditorium, came a sneeze that resounded across the room, making the line of graduates pause for a moment, as the rest of the student body snickered.

"Wow Kanako, that was a huge sneeze!" Sachi exclaimed, amazed. "Someone must be talking about you!"

 _'Like a certain demon and his minion...'_ Kanako thought, before responding with, "Yeah, maybe. I just hope that they're saying good things."

"But it's strange," Yuzuru noted as she surveyed the line of graduates. "Where's Ryuuken? She should be on stage right now."

"Perhaps she's ill," Nanami suggested.

"Incorrect!" Honoka announced from beside Kanako. "I saw her enter this morning, but she left a few minutes ago to speak to Mariya."

At the mention of her roommate's name, Kanako froze, mind considering the worst possibilities.

 _'He could be feeding her all sorts of lies! Mariya could be blackmailing her! Maybe even making her strip- Kanako no, this is not the time for yuri fantasies! Ryuuken might be in danger!'_

Kanako had no idea how right she was. It's not like she had time to figure it out, since she was distracted by the fire alarms going off.

The students panicked, and the flashing lights and shrill wailing of the fire alarm did not help at all. Kanako was pushed and shoved by nearly everyone near her, and barely made any progress towards the exit. Stumbling forwards, being pushed backwards, sideways, falling down, getting up, Kanako lost her bearings every second, her feet moving without thinking as chaos devoured all thought in her mind.

The raven-haired girl didn't realize she was on the ground until a parade of shoes trampled her body, much harder than the time she was trampled by Ryuuken's fans ( _oh how ironic that she thought of her now, now that she was gone_ ) and her hands and bones were crushed by the falling feet, leaving her too weak to crawl. The pounding in her head, the screaming of students, the wailing of the alarms, the stabbing pain in her leg, the crackling of flames surrounding her and the feeling of the bruises upon bruises inflicted upon Kanako's body made her want to die, or pass out, or anything to escape the pain.

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, please welcome me into Heaven with a smile.'_

But instead of feeling death's cold embrace, she felt warm arms wrap themselves around her, careful not to disturb her broken leg and bleeding hand. Letting herself be engulfed in the warmth surrounding her, Kanako fell asleep in her saviour's arms, not even noticing how the auditorium around her was much, _much_ too hot to be in...

* * *

Over a hundred students were injured. The hospital was filled with students recovering from burns and broken limbs, with the worst cases passing away from smoke inhalation or succumbing to their wounds by morning. Twenty-eight students died, including Ryuuken Ishima.

The teachers and students alike were horrified when the news came out. Ryuuken Ishima, a student, a graduate, a child, murdered on school grounds? And the fire set to destroy her corpse ended up killing so many other friends, students, children, people that were known and loved and cherished, now gone, because of _him._

Touichirou Kanae was convicted of first-degree and second degree murder of minors, and sentenced to a lifetime of jail. Those who knew Kanae wouldn't have guessed he was capable of such a thing.

And he wasn't. He was simply the designated aggressor, thrown in jail for someone else's crime.

If Matsurika was any less detached from the world, or any less loyal to Mariya, she surely would have felt some remorse, some guilt or at least a twinge of sympathy towards the people she helped kill and maim. But because Matsurika was Matsurika, the cold, calm, composed, loyal minion to Mariya's schemes, she didn't. As monotone as ever, Matsurika reported the facts, adding in jabs at her master at every opportunity.

Mariya didn't give a fuck. The blonde honestly couldn't care less about the number of people he killed or how many people were hurt in his pursuit of his goal. This fiery, demonic determination committed solely to this goal, allowing him to murder and burn without remorse, it's terrifying isn't it? To think that the beloved idol of the school was capable of such things...

Well, considering that he's capable of dousing the woman he loves in gasoline and waving around a lighter, it's not surprising that he's willing to do much, _much_ worse to people he hates, right?

Actually, the blonde cross-dresser was a bit sad he didn't get to do worse to Ryuuken. He would have enjoyed the screams of the girl who _dared_ to fall in love with _his_ property. But because he was short on time before the raven-haired girl would expect him back at the dorm, he only had enough time to slit her throat and set her corpse on fire. What a shame. There were so many ideas Mariya would _love_ to try, but now's not the time or place to discuss medieval torture methods.

 _'Next time, I'll be sure to have more fun,'_ Mariya promised himself.

Suddenly, as she was walking home from school, Nanami Kiri sneezed.

* * *

 **Sorry for the wait! My files got deleted- wait did I say that already? Whoops, I forgot.**

 **And yes, this actually was inspired by yandere drama cds. I know that Mariya had to be a bit OOC for it to work, but the yandere path in dating sims are always interesting, so I was actually a bit curious as to how Kanako would respond.**

 **Knowing her, it would probably be something along the lines of 'This isn't the path I wanted! I wanted the beautiful bishoujo path, not the asshole yandere path! Is there anyway I can get onto another path without triggering a bad ending? What do I do?!'**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update!**

 **Addition: 06/23/2015**

 **I just had an amazing idea for a murder mystery novel. Sorry, but I'm going to take a break from writing oneshots for a while in order to write this one idea I had.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update!**

 **Addition: 07/05/2015**

 **Someone took my laptop, I can't get a new one because we just had the floors fixed and then I had to go to the doctor for more medicine which is really expensive.**

 **The past two weeks have not been kind to me. ;A;**

 **I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and I'll see you next update.**

 **Addition: 07/10/2015**

 **I'm very sorry. Please assume that this fanfic will not be updating anymore unless there's another update.**

 **This was very fun, but I've recently discovered that the only way you can keep working on a library computer consistently is to use a USB, since the one I go to deletes all the files saved on it. :(**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and that you had fun reading this story.**


	11. What Do You Remember?

**I only own four hair ties.**

Chapter Who Even Knows: What do you remember?

Alternate Title: _Is This an Actual Utsuge Story?!_

* * *

"Your name is Kanako Miyamae."

"My name is Kanako Miyamae."

"You are five years old."

"I am five years old."

"Your mother died in a car crash."

"My mother died in a car crash."

"You have a concussion and amnesia."

"I have a concussion and ame-amen-amnes..." For the first time since they had began, little Kanako faltered, her five-year-old self struggling to pronounce the word through her head cast and mouth full of broken and missing teeth.

The doctor sighed, and adjusted the words accordingly.

"You hit your head and can't remember things."

Kanako pouted as she repeated the words, replacing "you" with "I" as instructed. She could have said it right if she just had one more chance!

"You have a father, one older sister and one younger sister."

"I have a father, one older sister and one younger sister."

"You may never recover the memories you lost."

"I may never recover the memories I lost."

"Goodbye Kanako."

"Goodbye Doctor."

The doctor left, leaving the small five-year-old to lie on her hospital bed in isolation.

Kanako was used to hospital life. She was used to the loneliness, the boredom, the pain of her month-old wounds, but she never got used to the way her hospital bed wasn't comfortable like the one at home, or how she didn't wake up to her mother's cooking and her sisters' smiling, or how she couldn't leave for a moment, couldn't play games with-

With-

Kanako screamed as she clutched her head, pain shooting through her skull as she tried to grasp at the memory, tried to remember it and be able to place a name and a face to the thought that eluded her grasp.

Medicine was pumped into her veins through the tube in her arm, and Kanako passed out soon after, still in the process of remembering blonde hair and red eyes.

* * *

"Your name is Kanako Miyamae."

"My name is Kanako Miyamae."

"Your mother died in a car crash."

"My mother died in a car crash."

"You have a concussion and amnesia."

"I have a concussion and amnesia."

"You have a father, an older sister and a younger sister."

"I have a father, an older sister and a younger sister."

"You may never recover the memories you lost."

"I may never recover the memories I lost."

"Tell me about yourself, Kanako," The doctor commanded.

"My name is Kanako Miyamae," The blue-eyed girl droned on mechanically. "My mother died in a car crash. I have a concussion and amnesia from the crash. I have a father, an older sister and a younger sister. I can't remember things. I might never be able to remember those things."

Kanako paused a bit, feeling that there was something she was forgetting to add...

Ah.

"I am sixteen years old," Kanako added. "My mother's accident was eleven years ago. I still have memory problems. This is the first time it's happened in months."

"Good job Kanako."

"Thank you."

"Continue to improve. Goodbye Kanako."

"Goodbye Doctor."

The doctor disappeared, leaving the large sixteen-year-old to lie on her hospital bed in isolation.

Except she wasn't alone.

A blonde girl ( _?_ ) with pigtails entered the room, and sat in a chair by her bed. She wore a school uniform, a long mahogany skirt and a beige button-up top from a school Kanako couldn't put a name to. The amnesiac didn't recognize the girl, but it was possible Kanako knew her from somewhere. After all, if she didn't, why would the blonde visit her?

"Hello," Kanako greeted, unsure of how to act around the girl. What was their relationship? Friends? Acquaintances? Lovers?

"Kanako, are you alright?" The girl responded, voice in a cheery falsetto ( _falsetto? her voice sounded pretty natural..._ ). "I heard you fell from the second-story window during classes."

"I have no idea who you are or how I got injured," Kanako said truthfully.

The other girl gaped at her, eyes widening and lips parting to form words, only, she couldn't say anything.

"Kanako? You're joking, right?" The blonde prompted, voice getting deeper as she spoke. "Do you really not remember me?" By the end of the second sentence, the girl's voice was a deep baritone, echoing throughout the room.

"I'm sorry, I don't. How do you know me exactly?"

Kanako saw the exact moment the red-eyed girl's heart broke. She saw the fragile hope the shorter girl held in her eyes crumble away, leaving nothing but sorrow and pain. The amnesiac had seen the exact same thing three times (or maybe more?) before, with the man that was supposedly her father, and the two girls that were supposed to be her sisters.

"I'm your roommate. I'm your junior by a single year, something you like bragging about a lot, and even if we argue nearly every day, I-" The smaller girl cut herself off, trying to stop her trembling lips and halt her building tears. Despite being at the point of tears, her voice was still steady as she spoke in her natural baritone ( _natural?_ )

"I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" The blonde screamed, agitation causing her voice to go up a pitch. Droplets of water began to fall from her eyes.

"Mariya, Mariya," Kanako called out, reaching out to wipe away the other's tears, ignoring the growing itch in her hand. "I'm sorry for making you cry."

The visitor gasped, eyes widening. "You remember my name."

A small smile appeared on her face, hope growing in her eyes.

Kanako felt too guilty to tell the other girl that she had seen the visitor sign-in sheet when the nurse fed her several hours before.

* * *

 **THE YOUTH CENTER NEARBY HAS A COMPUTER. AND THEY LET YOU SAVE THINGS ON IT AND THEY DON'T DELETE IT. YES.**

 **... but I still don't want to save things on it because what if children read it and see all the swear words I write.**

 **ANYWAYS, THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE FIRST UPDATE IN FOREVER SINCE I LOST MY COMPUTER. YAY.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**

 **Addition: 07/19/2015**

 **It should be noted that I have zero access to any of the manga chapters beyond chapter 22, so after that point, I'm running on headcanon and anime events.**

 **I know that Mariya and Kanako are childhoods friends from other fics, and that Mariya was the one to give Kanako her pendant, but that's as far as my knowledge of the manga-verse goes.**

 **Just so people don't yell at me for getting canon wrong.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**

 **Addition: 07/19/2015**

 **I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I JUST REMEMBERED THE HUGE SUMMER CAMP THING I'M HELPING OUT AT THIS WEEK. I HAVE TO HELP THE KIDS FROM NINE AM TO FOUR SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO WRITE FROM TODAY TO SATURDAY I'M SO SORRY.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, I'll see you next update.**


	12. Three Important Words

**No. It's still true no matter how many times I say it.**

Chapter What: Three Important Words

Alternate Title: _No, not those ones._

* * *

Kanako Miyamae left Ame-no-Kisaki single, and though she was saddened by the lack of romance (and abundance of pain) in her high school life, she still had hope for the future. After all, a woman's romantic life is bound to be born in college, right?

That hope was quickly crushed with three words, whispered into her ear by her roommate and sworn enemy of two years, Mariya Shidou.

 _'Wait for me.'_

Kanako sighed as she found herself pondering the meaning of those words once again. She was supposed to be walking to the dorms, not dwelling on some words her old rival mumbled to her one or two years ago.

Unlike the rooms of Girl's Dorm 2, Kanako loved living in the college dorms. A bedroom, kitchen and bathroom all to herself! No interaction with the other residents! No roommate!

Smiling as she dwelled on the joys of living alone, Kanako opened the door wide-

-Before slamming it shut.

 _'No, no,_ **no!** _'_ Kanako wailed mentally. _'It's not possible!'_

Surely, surely she was hallucinating. Perhaps two years of suffering had traumatized the blue-eyed woman to the point of having flashbacks. Yes, yes, that was surely it.

Because not even _Mariya_ would be cruel enough to continue to torture her long after her two years had passed, right? So it was impossible for Mariya Shidou, blonde hair pulled into a high ponytail and wearing a frilly pink dress, to be standing in her room.

Right?

Slowly, with the sense that she was opening the door to a tiger's cage, Kanako opened the door.

And was greeted with the sight of Mariya, his hair in a ponytail and a pink frilly dress, sitting on a bed that was not there the previous morning.

The blonde gave his former roommate an innocent smile ( _but of course his true intentions were nowhere near innocent_ ), greeting Kanako with a cheery, "Welcome back, Kanako!"

Kanako screamed.

* * *

Kanako Miyamae had a roommate.

Every day after classes were over, she would talk to her roommate until dusk, get help with her homework, and eat snacks with her roommate.

Kanako hated it.

Every homework tip was delivered with sarcasm and insults. ( _"Everything is incorrect, not surprising considering it's you," Mariya said as he covered Kanako's scribbles with neat cursive._ )

Every conversation was basically a back-and-forth of put-downs that never truly hurt the other person, the two too used to their habits to feel pain from silly insults anymore. ( _"Pervert." "Asshole." "Idiot." "Satan."_ )

Every snack was ... well, they were delicious, but the fact that it was Mariya giving them to her was enough reason to doubt and fear for her life, so fear and doubt she did. ( _"Is this poisoned?" Kanako asked suspiciously as she examined the dessert. Mariya sighed, "Of course not, dumbass."_ )

She thought she was free of Mariya's tyranny the moment she left Ame-no-Kisaki. Mariya was cruel enough to prove her wrong.

Kanako's irritation only grew when she asked Mariya why he follow her to another school and another town when he should have been running a school, and her only answer was,

"Simple. I lost," Mariya paused, before spitting out, "Now fuck off."

But the raven-haired girl didn't know that, underneath the layer of barbed wire and flames of Mariya's facade, there was a layer of fondness and warmth and kindness, hiding away the true meaning of Mariya's words.

 _'I love you, so why the hell would I let you get away?'_

...well, it was sort of kind and fond, I guess...

* * *

 **It is 10: 11 pm, and I'm about to be kicked out of the youth center, but at least I got the chapter finished! Yay!**

 **Camping is hard. And tiring. I never want to volunteer at a camp ever again.**

 **Anyways, I wanted to ask. In the process of writing this story, a bunch of ideas were scrapped and replaced. I was wondering if anyone was interested in reading about some of the ideas that died in the writing process.**

 **I'll turn it into a poll later. Right now I just want to sleep.**

 **Good night/day/whatever, and see you next update!**

 **Addition: 07/23/2015**

 **Never mind, no poll. Please just leave your answer in the reviews, because I can't understand the instructions due to my current state of lack of sleep.**

 **Good day/night/whatever, see you next update, and I have to go before 11, because they're going to kick me out!**


	13. It's not as serious as the title implies

**No.**

Chapter Does Anyone even care about this part anymore?: A Silent Rebellion Against The One Who Doesn't Know There's A War

Alternate Title: _Ignore the Serious Title, It's Still Comedy._

Alternate Alternate Title: _At this point we need a new fourth wall, because this chapter just obliterated whatever remained of the last one_

* * *

Mariya Shidou was nothing like her brother.

Shizu Shidou was nothing like his sister.

One was an angel, pure and sweet, the other was a demon, hiding cruelty and sadism behind a mask matching the other's face. The two were opposites in nearly every way.

Nearly.

The only trait they both had in common? Stubborn competiveness.

The thrill of clashing heads against each other led to the two of them creating competitions out of nearly everything, from academics to archery to finances to card games.

The twins were equal in academics, although Mariya was superior in archery, Shizu had an instinct for finance that led to Mariya losing nearly all their Monopoly games.

Shizu had thought that the two of them had reached a stalemate, until the two of them met Kanako Miyamae in high school.

The taller girl was the only one Mariya was even slightly kind to, and Shizu was shocked when she heard that _Mariya, of all people_ , **apologized** to Kanako for going too far with his antics. Shizu couldn't even remember a single event where Mariya honestly apologized to her, and sometimes wondered if such an incident even occurred.

Shizu wasn't stupid. And even if she was, she knew her brother better than Matsurika. The younger Shidou twin _knew_ Mariya had fallen in love. She could see the fondness in his eyes when he looked up at the older girl and hear the love in every insult of his! Though the two were parted by fate's cruel hand, again they meet, guided by Mother Mary herself!

 **|Very True Fact #1: Shizu is a closet romantic|**

 **|Very True Fact #2: Shizu ships it|**

However, her sisterly instincts told her that this was a something delicate, something that would devastate Mariya should it go awry and drive away the closest thing he ever had to a friend outside his family.

And thus began "Operation # 236: Super Duper Mega Love Bomb Blast! 3"!

(Rindou came up with the name)

(Shizu didn't approve)

* * *

Three figures (and one dog) sat around the table, silently dissecting the plan laid out before them.

Lying on the table was a simple piece of paper, ripped at one corner and crinkled at the edges. What was on the paper wasn't as simple.

"Rindou, what is this?" Shizu asked tentatively, waving a hand at the scribble-covered paper.

"A map of the battleground, with our targets' movements represented by the yellow arrows, and our movements represented by the pink, heart-shaped ones," Rindou stated plainly.

"My, my, it rather resembles the movements made by Nobunaga in the Battle of Okehazama, doesn't it Yonakuni?" God said in a sing-song voice as she petted her dog. Yonakuni let out a small bark in reply.

"Why yes, that was the inspiration!" Rindou replied with a smile. "We'll organize a surprise attack when they least expect it, and by the time they've noticed, we will have claimed victory!"

Shizu was stunned. Not because she was surprised, but because she had _no fucking clue_ what was going on.

The plan was to get Kanako and Mariya to be affectionate and confess, so why-

Shizu gasped as she realized it, before yelling, "Rindou! This is not the time or place for your survival games!"

" You can't stop a war whenever you wish! The battle continues regardless of your desires!" Rindou retorted.

"WE ARE TRYING TO HELP MY BROTHER DEVELOP PROPER SOCIAL SKILLS NOT MURDER HIM FOR FUN."

"It's not out of amusement, but out of duty that I do this! Like a soldier with his Grizzly 2.0, I make sure my aim is true, in order to exterminate the evil!" Rindou pulled a gun out from under the table, pointing it at Shizu as if to illustrate his point.

"YOU'RE THE EVIL ONE HERE!" Shizu screeched, backing away with horror.

"Ah, I had an excellent idea, but it appears I've forgotten it," God interrupted the two with a smile. "Perhaps a new gaming system will be able to jog my memory?"

A brand new Ybox was placed before the smaller (but definitely not younger) girl, but the two continued arguing. God watched with a smile as she munched on some of Shizu's cookies.

"Tasty, and just as delicious as Mariya's baking!" God exclaimed, reaching out to grab another cookie-

-but her fingers met the cold china of the plate, and a sad frown appeared on God's face.

"Oh dear, that is very disappointing," God said with a sorrowful expression, before standing up and walking towards the door, Yonakuni in her arms. "I'm afraid we can't stay anymore. I'll be leaving now."

"Wait! What about your idea!?" Shizu protested in shock.

"Hmm, I seem to have forgotten. Maybe a new audio room will help me recall?" God smiled coyly as she spoke.

"I already paid for it! Now please help save my brother's dying social life!" Shizu pleaded, holding out the receipt for God to read.

God accepted the receipt with a smile that was much more genuine than before.

"Wait seven days."

And with those ominous words, the cat-eared girl left the room, leaving a shell-hocked Shizu and excited Rindou in her wake.

* * *

 _The waiting room was quiet._

 _Doctors and nurses moved through the halls with silent efficiency, and those waiting for the opportunity to see their loved loves refuse to speak, dread and worry creating a heavy atmosphere that silences all attempts at conversation before they begin._

 _Kiri Nanami blatantly ignored all social cues, and started a conversation anyways, asking Yuzuru Inamori about the situation. Yuzuru, who was much more well-versed in the art of human interaction, attempted to answer the glasses-wearing girl's questions as quickly as possible._

 _"What happened to Miyamae?"_

 _"[She got stabbed by a mugger. There was]_ **so much blood loss. After all the nosebleeds she had this year, I'm not sure she has enough blood left to survive this**. _"_

 **|Very True Fact #3: Everything bolded in this flashback is a quote from chapter one. |**

 **|Very True Fact# 4: Except for the Very True Facts.|**

 _Mariya sighed as he tuned out the conversation. The words they were exchanging had no meaning to him. Time seemed to pass by at a turtle's pace, minutes being broken down into seconds that seemed to stretch on forever. Eventually, the blonde stopped caring, letting the minute and seconds and hours pass by, ignoring reality to the point of barely noticing the noise from Kanako's hospital room._

 **"Wake up dumbass!"** _Honoka screamed, loud enough for those in the waiting room to hear her._ **"Don't you dare die on me, Kanako Miyamae!"**

 _Honoka stomped out of the room with her head held high, before slumping into the chair near to Mariya. The red-eyed boy took that as his cue to visit Kanako._

 _He entered the hospital room, and immediately noticed Kanako lying in her bed. Her normally pale skin seemed to have turned a ghoulish grey under the bright lights and when combined with Kanako's unnatural stillness, there seemed to be a corpse lying in the bed instead of a high school student. The silence and stillness in the room created an uneasy atmosphere._

 _It wasn't right._

 _Kanako was never inactive, even in her sleep. Hell, if she didn't wake up in the middle of the night screaming, she would be snoring and rolling around everywhere, and Mariya would occasionally have to throw things at her to make her stop. The silence, the stillness, it was completely unnatural to Mariya, who had been accustomed to Kanako's loud energy and movement, to the point that he expected her to jump up from the bed and start shrieking at him for some strange reason. The cross-dresser was tempted to try throwing things at the injured girl to see if she would wake up._

 _Instead, he stayed with her. He waited until her eyes opened once again and filled the room with noise and energy._

* * *

Mariya woke to a silent room, disconcerted from his dream/flashback of chapter 1.

On the opposite side of their living quarters, was Kanako, sleeping peacefully in her bed.

Mariya began to grow concerned. ( _of course, it wouldn't be good for the school idol's roommate to be found dead in their room, so it was his duty to make sure she was alright_ )

He stepped towards the other bed, stopping only when he was towering over the sleeping girl. ( _it felt strange to be looking down at her after looking up at her for so long_ ) The sleeping girl's chest rose and fell as she breathed, confirming that she was alive. Moonlight peeking through the curtains and open windows shined on Kanako's sleeping form. She shuddered as a gust of wind blew in through the windows, causing her blanket to slip off of her form.

Mariya gently lifted the blanket over her body, hesitated for a few minutes, before pressing a chaste kiss to the older girl's forehead. Kanako relaxed and smiled in her sleep.

The blonde laid down on his own bed, not noticing the cat-eared silhouette just outside his window.

* * *

Day 1

 _'Maid? Already done that. Nurse? No. Doctor? Too close to nurse. And it's nowhere near Christmas time, so I can't use the Santa costume I just got...'_ Mariya frowned as he examined his closet, scrutinizing every cosplay he had in order to find an acceptable one.

The blonde spared a glance over his shoulder at his roommate. Kanako was still sleeping, which was both good and bad, in their own ways. Good in that he still had time to find an outfit. Bad in that if Mariya took too long to dress up and wake up Kanako, they would both be late.

"Argh, I'll just do this tomorrow," Mariya growled, annoyed by his uncharacteristic indecisiveness. He began pulling off his nightgown with frustration, revealing his bare chest to the empty room as he pulled on his school skirt.

And then Kanako yawned.

Mariya turned towards the girl, the both of them shocked by the scene.

Mariya's chest was completely exposed, no shirt or corset to conceal the muscles normally hidden beneath layers of clothing. His only attire was the school skirt (and presumably underwear). Kanako had just woken up, and thus was confused and disoriented. She continued to stare at her roommate, attempting to comprehend what was happening.

Five seconds later, the peaceful morning air was _shattered_ by a piercing scream, which the rest of the student population pointedly ignored, all too used to random noises coming from Girl's Dorm 2.

"SHUT UP!" Mariya bellowed as he pulled on a shirt. Kanako seemed to calm down a bit, if 'trembling in the fetal position' was any better than 'screaming mindlessly'.

"Wh-wh-what was that?!" Kanako stuttered, clenching her blanket in her hands, lifting it to her chest as if to protect herself from the blonde.

"I decided that it was time the viewers got some hot guy fanservice," Mariya lied effortlessly, examining his own body to see if the lack of corset was noticeable.

Since Matsurika won't appear in the fanfic unless she's somehow relevant, Mariya had to either learn how to tie up his corset himself or get Kanako to help him if the corset was still needed. Since neither of those are happening in the near future and Mariya is tiny enough to be mistaken for a girl without the corset, Mariya is going corset-less. For now at least.

Kanako ignored the fourth wall breaking comments, instead going on a rant about how the 'luscious curves and gentle touch of the female body ' obviously outclassed the 'terrible smell and look of the male form'. Mariya left halfway through, inexplicably angered by the reminder of Kanako's preference for women ( _even though that fact was thrown into his face every day_ ), leaving the blue-eyed girl to make it to class on her own.

Neither one wanted to acknowledge the rosy tint of their cheeks.

* * *

Day 2

Kanako was about to faint. Or spontaneously self-combust from the heat and the sheer embarrassment.

 _'I change my mind. I'm not ready for this!'_ Kanako thought as she buried her blood-red face in her hands. _'I can't be a fanservice girl!'_

But... but she was the protagonist right? And protagonists overcame many trials in order to reach their goals. Even though this trial was not one that could kill or maim in any way, it was one Kanako had to surpass no matter what!

Emboldened by her speech, Kanako removed her face from her hands, glaring at the full-body mirror head-on. Her eyes held fiery determination, and the formerly embarrassed girl decided she was ready.

Slowly, like she was handling nuclear waste, Kanako removed her clothing, revealing the bikini she had worn underneath. It was the closest thing Kanako had to a fanservice outfit her size, though it was more 'cute' than 'sexy'.

White dots dotted the light blue of the fabric, giving the impression of clouds amongst a clear blue sky. The bottom had strategically-placed frills in order to cover up the wearer's ass, while at the same time adding a +5 Cute Point boost!

Kanako nodded in the mirror, approving of her choice of clothing.

 _'Good job me!'_ The raven-haired girl praised herself mentally. _' Now all I need is some stock fanservice pose...'_ Kanako trailed off as she thought.

Which one would be best?

The 'Classic Tsundere', where you lean forward with your hands on your hips (and thus providing an unblocked view of the breasts)? The one where you cross your arms _just_ under your boobs to both lift them up and subtly bring attention towards them?

Sigh. Fanservice was harder than it looked.

But Kanako would surrender! She was strong, she was determined, and she would see this through! She would-

"What are you doing?"

Kanako spun around to see Mariya at the door. She gulped before mentally preparing to deliver her line, crossing her arms just under her chest.

 _'Okay, so he's a bit early... but I can still do this!'_

"W-w-welcome back Mariya! Would you like a-a..." Kanako gave up, slumping forwards and removing her arms from her chest. "Never mind, I can't do this. Fanservice is hard."

"What."

Mariya looked at the girl with a strange combination of exasperation, confusion and irritation. He waited until Kanako explains what exactly what was going on with impatience, about to demand she explain before she spoke.

"Well-I-realized-that-I-don't-have-much-"

"SLOWER."

Inhaling, Kanako relaxed for a moment before returning to her tirade, slightly slower than before.

"I'm the protagonist! And yet somehow, you're the one the series is named after, plus you get all the merchandise! Before I would always wonder, 'hey, why is Mariya so advertised?' and now I realized it," The swimsuit-clad girl paused, in order to inhale and also add some dramatic effect.

"It's because you're the designated fanservice girl. Er, boy. Trap?" Kanako pondered this for a moment, before throwing her hands in the air. "It's not important! The important part is, you can't be the only fanservice person in this show, so as protagonist it is my duty to take some of the burden off your shoulders!"

"Go put on some clothes," Mariya commanded, pointing towards the washroom. Kanako immediately slumped and followed his instructions.

When Kanako emerged from the washroom in her pyjamas, the first thing out of Mariya's mouth is,

"You're never allowed to do that again."

"Huh?"

"I'm the only fanservice person this show needs, and as an added bonus, I can do it as a boy or a girl," Mariya stated, in a poor attempt to explain his thoughts.

"But I can help!" Kanako protests. "Being fanservice-y all the time is probably stressful, so I'll do half! Plus, it helps boost my popularity! Please Mariya?" The taller girl begged, falling to her knees and looking up at the blonde with an expression of pained vulnerability.

The sight makes Mariya's heart stop for a moment, before beating twice as fast to make up for the pause. His reaction only fuelled the belief that Kanako should not be allowed to do any action that's even _remotely_ considered sexual.

 _'She's the only one to know all my secrets, so it's only fair I'm the only one to see her like this!'_ He thought childishly, though his pride would never allow him to say it aloud.

* * *

Day 3

Kanako screaming had become a regular occurrence on the grounds of Ame-no-Kisaki. The general reaction had become less of a _'oh my god what's happening why is there screaming'_ to _'oh my god what is it now'._

Yuzuru Inamori was one of the first to make the transition between sentiments, and firmly stayed in the territory of _'confused and annoyed'_ whenever it came to her strange classmate. The archer was completely apathetic to Kanako's suffering.

At least until the day Kanako ran out of the physical examination with tears streaming down her cheeks, and dove into her arms as she was walking down the hallway.

Yuzuru held the weeping girl, but was unused to comforting others. She patted the other girl's back awkwardly as Kanako babbled incomprehensively about what was upsetting her.

"The-the eye doctor... he-he..." Kanako's voice drifted away as another loud sob escaped her throat. The other students were staring in concern, but Yuzuru ignored the chatter as she continued holding Kanako.

But then Yuzuru spotted a faded red mark on Kanako's neck, and her head snapped up so fast her neck should have snapped (but thankfully it didn't).

"Kanako, did he touch you?" The archer asked, anger building in her eyes.

The taller girl only nodded weakly. The other students gasped as Kanako lifted up her hands, displaying more of the marks (bruises?) on her skin.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure he never touches you again," Yuzuru promised, plans of blood and demise already forming in her mind.

The pony-tailed girl is pulled out of her thoughts by a teacher approaching and taking Kanako away. The teacher thanked Yuzuru for remaining with Kanako before turning and leaving.

"Yuzuru? Can I speak to you for a moment?" A voice called out from behind Yuzuru.

The amber-eyed girl spun around to find Mariya Shidou, fellow archer and Kanako's roommate, with a worried expression on her face. Yuzuru nodded, and Mariya guides the girl to a small classroom.

"What happened to Kanako?" Yuzuru asked, taking a seat on the nearest desk. Mariya didn't follow her example, instead standing between two desks, taking care not to touch either of them.

"Ah, well," Mariya looked away for a moment, sorrow filling her eyes, before turning her ruby stare back towards Yuzuru. "Kanako is afraid of doctors, and has been ever since her brother died of illness. She seems alright with the school nurse, but I'm afraid the eye doctor resembled the one she feared too much. She burst into tears at the sight of him and ran away, although he tried to grab her to prevent her from leaving. That's all that happened."

"I see," Yuzuru said, nodding in comprehension. "I'm glad that it wasn't more serious."

"Yes, I am as well," Mariya smiled, before turning to leave. "I'll see you at practice Yuzuru."

* * *

"YOU LIED TO YUZURU TOO!?" Kanako shrieked.

"Relax, it's nothing serious," Mariya responded as he closed his book.

"OF COURSE IT'S SERIOUS-"

Kanako was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Yes? Who is it?" Mariya inquired as he opened the door slightly.

An uninteresting mailman stood before the door, a plain brown package in his hands.

"Package for Kanako Miyamae," He said. Wow, even his lines are boring.

"I'm her roommate, let me just call her," Mariya closed the door gently. A shrieking sound was heard, and a few seconds later, the dark-haired girl stood at the door.

(Amusingly, she towered over the mailman by at least a head. Kanako was not as amused.)

"I-I-I'm Kanako," The taller girl stuttered.

"Sign here," The mailman said in a bored tone, like he was bored of being a boring character in this fanfic and wanted his role in the story to be done already so he could be home with his family. He handed Kanako a clipboard with a piece of paper stuck on it, which the girl signed quickly and returned to the man.

He handed her the box and left this universe, returning to his home and greeting his children with a weary, "I'm back." His wife waved at him, playfully asking where he had went, to which he replied, "You don't even want to know."

Kanako stared at the spot where a man had disappeared off the face of the earth, before shutting the door and opening the package. Inside was a note and a pair of glasses. Kanako grabbed both, examining the two with difficulty.

"Miss Miyamae, from the results of the... "Kanako paused between every word, bringing the paper closer and then further from her face, before having the note snatched out of her hands by an annoyed Mariya.

"Miss Miyamae, of the results of the examination, we have determined that you require glasses in order to repair your far-sightedness. Please wear the enclosed pair every waking hour, and take good care of them," Mariya read aloud, before turning towards Kanako with an arrogant smirk. "I _really_ shouldn't be surprised that you can't read."

"Shut up Mariya," Kanako said as she laid the box on the desk. She curled up on her bed and pulled the blanket up above her head, clearly signalling that she didn't want to talk.

Respecting her wishes for once, Mariya turned off the light and whispered a small "Goodnight Kanako" to his roommate.

He didn't hear the "Goodnight Mariya" he got in return.

* * *

Day 4

"No."

"Mariya, I have to go to class."

"There is no way I can let you out of this room."

"Why not?!"

"Get rid of the glasses."

"But I need them!"

"Then get contacts!"

"Ooooooooooooooh. You're worried that because of my new status as a megane, your position as fanservice provider might be threatened, aren't you!"

"Kanako Miyamae, if you leave this room, **there will be death.** "

"La-la-la~ can't hear you over my excitement over being the new fanservice girl~!"

 _Click._

"Kanako, **why are you opening the window?** "

"I'm getting to class! See you later Mariya!"

"Dammit Kanako! Can't you just listen to reason, just this once?"

 _'Fuck, there's no way this can end well. Not once the entire school sees Kanako in glasses.'_

* * *

Day 5

"What is happening right now?!" Kanako screamed, confusion and fear in her voice as she struggled to hold the door closed. The wood was being hit over and over again from the other side, and Kanako feared that it might splinter and break at any moment.

Beside her, also pushing the door shut, was Mariya, who responded with an annoyed, "Well, if you had just _listened_ to me yesterday, this wouldn't have happened!"

"It was a pair of glasses! Nanami wears them all the time and this doesn't happen to her!" Kanako protested.

"It's a law of anime. If a character without glasses begins wearing glasses, their popularity will suddenly spike," Mariya explained. "The same thing happens if a character with glasses stops wearing them all of a sudden."

 **|Very True Fact #5: That is a very true law of anime|**

 **|Very True Fact #6: Very True Facts come in pairs|**

"Is that why people are trying to break down our door?!" Kanako asked in disbelief.

"That's _exactly_ why people are trying to break down our door!" The red-eyed boy responded.

All of a sudden, the pounding of the door stopped, leaving Mariya and Kanako to catch their breath.

"Master Mariya, I suggest you leave before further violence is necessary," Matsurika's voice stated from the other side of the door.

"You're a lifesaver Matsurika!" Kanako exclaimed in relief as the two backed away from the door.

Matsurika opened the door, revealing hordes of unconscious school girls on the floor.

"Your contacts will arrive next week," Matsurika told Kanako, who seemed to shrink at the revelation. "Try to stay alive until then."

"Alright, thank you Matsurika," Kanako said with a smile.

"Surprisingly, you're actually good for something," Mariya added.

"The only reason I don't show up more often is because my awesomeness is too much for the story to handle," The silver-haired maid deadpanned.

The trio joked with one another the entire way to the classroom, surprisingly relaxed despite the oddness of the past week.

* * *

Day 6

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, Kanako might have wanted to be popular with women... but not like this.'_

Both Kanako and Mariya reacted in disgust when they saw the _massive_ pile of letters next to the mailbox. Seriously, it was taller than Kanako.

"I'll get the gasoline," Mariya announced as he pulled his cell phone out of his bag.

"Wait, wouldn't it be better to just recycle all of it? I mean, you killed twenty-eight people the _last_ time you set stuff on fire, so..." Kanako trailed off as Mariya gave her a fiery glare.

"That was in an AU," Mariya retorted. "I won't do anything as reckless as _setting my own goddamn school on fire._ "

"I'm still against it!" Kanako shouted. "I won't let the letters that everyone poured their hearts into burn up in flames!"

Mariya rolled his eyes, before dropping his cell phone back in his bag.

"Fine, I'll get Matsurika to recycle it all," The blonde said with annoyance in his voice. "You happy now?"

"Yup!" Kanako chirped with a bright smile. "Thanks a lot Mariya!"

The ruby-eyed boy blushed as Kanako ran ahead, ignoring the heat coursing throughout his body in favour of sending a text message/direct order to Matsurika via his phone.

* * *

Day 7

"Miss God, are you sure this is working?" Shizu inquired with worry in her eyes.

"Of course. Do you doubt in my abilities?" The cat-eared girl responded.

"Um, no, but it's the last day so... shouldn't they be confessing soon?" The cross-dressing girl asked.

"What are you talking about? The first **DAY** has barely started."

"Huh?"

" **DAY** stands for **D** ecade **A** nd **Y** ear," God explained. "It hasn't been a year yet, let alone a decade."

"What?!" Shizu screamed in shock. "But if Mariya has to wait seven times eleven years to confess, then he'll be ninety-one and nearly dead!"

"Hmm, I could probably shorten the time needed, but the phone I have isn't the right one. Perhaps an Ip∆d would do the job?" God held out her hand expectantly.

"Wait, but when you said 'wait seven days' you didn't capitalize it or put it in bold or anything! Therefore, at the time, you were referring to days as in twenty four hours, not **DAY** s!" Shizu protested.

"Is that a no?" God asked with a terrifying grim on her face.

Shizu wordlessly placed a brand new tablet in her hands.

"Thank you so much!" God exclaimed, regaining her cheery smile, opening an application called 'Block Berry Messages' and typing rapidly.

Shizu only caught sight of the words 'Rindou', 'plan' and 'begin' before the message was sent and someone (Kanako? Most likely Kanako) began screaming.

"The two will confess by sunset," God stated with a smile. "Now excuse me, I need to go watch my program now."

Shizu stood in silence as more and more screams were heard from the grounds of Ame-no-Kisaki.

* * *

Abandoned sheds were not a good hiding place, as Kanako discovered.

Not because they weren't good at hiding people, but because there was a good reason they were abandoned.

Dust and dirt covered every inch of the building. It was obvious from the moment she entered that if a single one of her followers followed her into the building, or if someone opened the door, they would see the footprints in the layer of filth covering the floor and immediately know that someone was inside. Add in the damage to your health from staying in one too long plus the fact that everyone knows that people hide in sheds when chased, and you had a pretty good idea of why Kanako refused to go inside.

Forests, on the other hand, were _excellent_ hiding spots, if you knew how to climb trees. People hardly ever thought to look up, and even if they did, there were so many trees that it would take _hours_ to find the one Kanako was hiding in, which made it _perfect_ for evading her new fan base!

Or so she thought, until she felt the tree shaking.

Still clinging to the tree's trunk, Kanako turned her head to see what was causing the vibrations.

She saw Mariya, kicking the tree with anger visible on his face. That was strangely uncharacteristic, since Mariya _never_ showed anger where any random person could see it and destroy his facade. Instead, he exploded in the confines of their room, letting no one but Kanako and Matsurika see his sadistic side.

But still, at the moment, facing Mariya was infinitely better than being chased around and nearly maimed by her followers (who had gone full yandere). So carefully, slowly, Kanako descended from the tree, which was much harder than it should have been, considering that Mariya was kicking it the entire time.

The blonde didn't flinch when she landed on the ground, continuing to kick the wood again and again.

"What's wrong Mariya?" Kanako asked as she stood up.

"Shut up," Mariya growled, although he turned to face the taller girl with a glare.

Kanako was torn. On one hand, she was inclined to follow those instructions, because she had learned not to meddle in Mariya's affairs as to not earn a kick to the head, but on the other hand... it was obviously affecting the blonde a lot. And if it was affecting him, surely the blonde would take it out on her later. That's all. There was no concern or worry involved at all. None at all.

Hesitantly, Kanako repeated her earlier question.

"What's wrong Mariya?"

At that moment, something inside Mariya _snapped_. Fury burned in his eyes as he grabbed Kanako in a one-sided hug, causing the older girl to shake and shriek about hives, but Mariya didn't care.

"Those peasants _think_ they can lay a hand on _my_ property?! Like hell I'm letting them get to you! The only reason they even want to date you is because of those stupid glasses! And I am **not** giving you up to anyone!" Mariya roared, tightening his grip on the raven-haired girl's midsection, burying his face in her shoulder.

"What?" Kanako asked in confusion. "I don't belong to you! What are you talking about?"

Mariya lifted his head from Kanako's shoulder, staring into Kanako's eyes with a strange combination of fondness, annoyance and fragility, like he was truly, deeply hurt by Kanako's proclamation.

In that moment, Kanako was reminded of a small child claiming ownership over his favourite toy, trying to keep it out of reach of everyone else.

Years of protecting Miki had taught Kanako how to deal with crying children, and hesitantly, Kanako wrapped her arms around the shorter boy, resting her chin atop his head. The fragile Mariya she was holding was a complete opposite of the Mariya she knew.

The Mariya Shidou she knew was prideful and boastful and mischievous, and could manipulate people and their relationships with ease, but was at a complete loss when it came to people close to his own heart.

But Kanako didn't mind. She liked being able to see a side of Mariya that no one else did. She saw both the sadistic asshole behind his mask of politeness, and the fragile-

"Quit calling me fragile already!" Mariya protested, reverting back to tsun mode. "I just didn't know how to deal with you in glasses, alright!"

Kanako laughed, saying, "Oh, so you fell for my megane charm too?"

"Shut up!"

The taller girl opened her mouth to joke some more, but was interrupted by Mariya pressing his lips to hers.

"I-I-I... _huh?!_ " Kanako sputtered, flustered as she pulled away.

Mariya smirked.

"Refuse it all you want, but you're mine no matter how you look at it!" He claimed, removing his arms from Kanako to cross his arms pridefully.

"Wait, don't I get a say in this?!"

"Nope!" The blonde chirped cheerfully.

Kanako froze upon seeing Mariya's smile. It was... actually genuine, and the beauty of it completely dwarfed the beauty of seeing Mariya in cosplay. Her heartbeat sped up at the sight of Mariya smiling at her, and Kanako couldn't help but smile as well.

"Okay..." Kanako muttered, too distracted to notice Mariya's smile turning into a smirk.

"Oi, pig, didn't you hear me? I just said _'we'll be together forever'._ "

"That's fine with me-" Kanako snapped out of her reverie with shock, exclaiming, " Wait, what?!"

Shizu watched the scene with a smile, gladdened by the knowledge that things had worked out well in the end.

 **|Very True Fact #7: After the two graduate, they get married in Ame-no-Kisaki's church, with both Mariya and Kanako's family attending|**

 **|Very True Fact #8: Every single one of Kanako's fanbase was paid to do it by Rindou in order to get Kanako and Mariya together|**

* * *

 **Chapter 13 people!**

 **This was the most meta thing I have ever written, and that includes every chapter I've released so far. Seriously, there is no fourth wall at this point.**

 **It should be clarified that the eye doctor did nothing wrong, he just panicked when Kanako panicked and everyone was panicking. Poor eye doctor.**

 **Also, I've always had a headcanon that Kanako has vision problems, but didn't notice until Ame-no-Kisaki since she always studied with her sisters. That's exactly why she didn't understand Sachi's notes and failed most of her tests. (I'm assuming that the reason she passed ethics is because her father taught ethics when he was a teacher, so Kanako remembers his words more than anything else)**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it, have a nice day/night/whatever, and I'll see you next update! :D**


	14. One

**No. Nope. Nada. Non.**

Chapter ! #$%: Counterpart

Alternate Title: _This was supposed to be cute. I don't know if I succeeded or not._

* * *

Kanako was roused from her slumber by a warm hand on her shoulder. Her cerulean eyes opened a crack to see a person clothed in black towering over her.

 _'Ah, Mariya must have worn his dominatrix costume today,'_ Kanako thought before rolling over and turning her back to her roommate. She knew that it was futile to resist, and she would be waking up whether she liked it or not, but old habit had made her say, "I'm going back to sleep, Mariya."

However, instead of the command to get up or the slap on the back the raven-haired girl was expecting, instead, her father's voice ended up being the thing to rouse her from her slumber.

"Kanako, my dear, it's time to get up," Her father said as he shook her shoulder lightly.

"Oh, sorry dad, I mistook you for someone else," Kanako responded as she sat up.

"Listen Kanako," The former teacher sat down across from Kanako on her bed, looking into her eyes as he spoke. "I know that you prefer women to men. And I understand that some people of the faith will hate you and vilify you for it. But as your father, I will support you as long as I draw breath. If Mariya Shidou is one of the people who brings you happiness, I will stand behind you with all my heart and soul."

Kanako was shocked. Part of it was because she had just woken up, only to have her father give her a speech on love and acceptance. The other part was too moved and touched by the former teacher's words to say a word.

(A smaller fraction of Kanako's mind was noting the irony in that her father was accepting her homosexual love for her former roommate when said former roommate was male, but was drowned out by the lethargic and the touched parts of Kanako's mind)

Slowly, Kanako smiled at the former teacher, thanking him for his acceptance and love.

Whatever words her father was going to say in response was cut off by the chiming of the doorbell. Mr. Miyamae gave his daughter a wise and loving smile as he went to answer the door, leaving her alone i her bedroom.

She was alone for the next fifteen point eight seconds before the door as slammed open, and Kanako was embraced by a flying blonde.

For the second time in the twelve minutes Kanako had been awake, Kanako thanked her father with all her heart as she wrapped her arms around her former roommate.

* * *

 **Short drabble. Nothing much to say really.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	15. Two

**No.**

Chapter ?: Counterpoint

Alternate Title: _Perspective Flip! 3_

* * *

He missed her.

That was an undeniable fact.

Without Kanako's humorous reactions to his pranks, Mariya had grown bored with it. The cross dresser had moved out of their ( _his,_ now that she was gone) room , preferring to stay in his old bedroom than face the empty room where he could relax and laugh at one point.

( _The room felt much colder when she left_ )

But even in his own home, he could not escape the abyss Kanako had left in her absence.

Long-forgotten memories had made their way to the surface of his mind just to torment the blonde. He could see the two of them as children, with him chasing after her even then, and Kanako screaming as she tried to escape his younger self's newest 'idea'. As he glanced over the garden, he could practically map out spots where Kanako fell due to her clumsiness, old hiding spots both of them used, and the tree Kanako always climbed up whenever she felt discouraged.

Mariya saw her everywhere and anywhere, but through his mind's eyes instead of his ruby orbs.

Miki was the one who helped him out of it.

The brunette had sighed upon seeing the crimson-eyed boy standing in the doorway of his old room, and simply gave him a slip of paper with an address written on it.

 _"Kanako is visiting our father for the week. You better go quick, before she leaves."_

Mariya smiled as he stood before the Miyamae's door. How kind of Miki, to do something like that for him.

Mr. Miyamae opened the door instantly, welcoming the blonde inside with a "She's upstairs, third room to your left. Don't do anything in the bed."

In the falsetto he always adopted when pretending to be female, Mariya gave the man a gentle smile, promising not to try anything under his supervision.

It took all his self control to not dash up the stairs and hug Kanako, instead walking (rather quickly) up the stairs and counting the doors until he reached the one Kanako was in.

No, that was a lie.

For once in his life, Mariya Shidou allowed himself to lose control, slamming the door open and hugging the taller girl with all his might, rationalizing to himself that since he was supposed to be the 'sweet roommate' to Kanako's father, he might as well act like it, right?

But, in all honesty, Mariya wasn't acting. He truly wanted to be able to touch her, to hold her and bask in Kanako's warmth once again, and that moment might have been the first time he allowed himself to do so.

It wasn't so bad, losing control, Mariya decided as he tightened his hold on Kanako's waist.

* * *

 **A companion piece to the latest chapter! Yay!**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	16. The RPG AU is here!

**You know what I'm going to say, so there's no need to say it.**

Chapter 7: Kanako Miyamae's Game

Alternate Title: _My Cross Dressing Jackass of a Roommate is an Amazingly Good RPG Partner?!_

* * *

Kanako Miyamae began to regret taking on so many side quests. That was not the first time she felt the strange combination of remorse and annoyance, and it likely wouldn't be the last either.

The level 10 Warrior had the foresight to predict that she would need lots of experience in order to survive, but not enough to predict that it would be so tedious.

However, Kanako allowed herself to feel a tiny bit of happiness. She only had one side quest left, not one for the farmers, not one for the bakers or the shop keepers. This quest didn't reward any experience or special armour, but it was still something she needed to do.

Smiling, Kanako began to search for flowers to place on her mother's grave.

* * *

Kanako marvelled at the humongous field, stretching from horizon to horizon, filled with nothing but flowers, blossoms taller than trees, in every colour imaginable and every shape there could be.

She was about to pluck one, an innocent-looking flower with petals the same color as sunshine, when a voice called out to her, halting her movements.

"What do you think you're doing, **Miss Pig?"**

Shocked, Kanako turned towards the voice, finding a silver-haired girl in a maid outfit standing behind her, her golden eyes emotionless as she continued to insult the taller girl. Kanako didn't pay her words any mind, since she was distracted by the figure growing closer behind the maid's back.

The woman was beautiful. She was no less than a year younger than the dark-haired fighter, but Kanako still towered over her tiny form. Blonde hair with pink ribbons pulling parts of it into two tiny pigtails at either side of her head cascaded down the girl's back, golden locks with ivory skin, like an angel from heaven, sent down to bathe the world in her beauty. Eyes the colour of rubies stared at Kanako curiously as the Warrior admired her, seemingly amused by the dark-haired woman's lack of response.

"Hello, my name is Mariya Shidou. I'm the daughter of the owner of this town. This is Matsurika," The blonde smiled, waving a pale hand at the silver-haired maid. "I apologize for Matsurika's rudeness, she must have mistaken you for an intruder, seeing as you're roaming the garden without an invitation."

"Ah, this is a garden? I thought it was a field of wild flowers," Kanako gave an embarrassed smile.

"No, the property line starts here, and stretches all the way to my house," Mariya pointed to the horizon, where, upon closer examination, a small house-like shadow jutted out.

"Your garden is huge!" The warrior exclaimed. "Excessively huge!"

"Yes, I suppose so. I always try to tell my father that a garden with a radius of fifty kilometres is a bit much, but he seems to think that if anything, it needs to be bigger," Mariya explained.

"Not only is it overly large, it's even circular too. Perhaps your father is compensating for something," Matsurika suggested.

Ignoring the comment, Mariya gazed at Kanako, her face melting into an expression of curiosity.

"So why are you looking for flowers? Are they a gift for your lover?"

Startled, Kanako felt her brain shut down before jolting back into something resembling normalcy.

"Ah! No! Of course not! I-I'm single, so it's impossible, completely impossible for the flowers to be for a lover!"

Okay, maybe screaming was considered normal for Kanako, but it wasn't considered socially acceptable, a fact Kanako was reminded of when she saw the maid cover her ears.

The dark-haired Warrior took a deep breath before continuing, at a much slower pace and much lower volume, "They're for my mother. She was buried here, but my father had us move out of town since it brought back too many bad memories for him. I just wanted to honour her memory before setting out on my adventure."

A flash of sympathy flickered in Mariya's eyes before she cast her gaze away, discomfort clear on her face as she spoke.

"I suppose you're unfamiliar with the town layout as well? I could guide you to the graveyard if you want."

Kanako brightened at the offer. It _was_ true that she was afraid of being lost in the foreign town, and that having a guide would help considerately, but the majority of it was the fact that a beautiful maiden would be joining her on her journey! What good luck!

"Mistress Mariya, would you allow me to interrupt?" Matsurika's voice cut through Kanako's delusions like a well-timed sword swing, reminding the Warrior, that yes, she wasn't on the Good End path yet!

"I do not think it is wise to accompany such a woman anywhere, as she may be a thief or kidnapper, waiting to strike. The fact that she has already committed the crime of trespassing does not improve my opinion of her in the slightest," The maid continued, ignoring Kanako's offended protests.

"Nonsense," Mariya waved it off, quite literally, her smile evaporating into an annoyed frown. "I'm sure that I can trust a woman like Kanako, and it would be good to get out of the house every now and then."

 _'She trusts me! That's definitely a few points towards the good end!'_ Kanako cheered in her mind.

"Very well then, Mistress Mariya, I shall accompany you while you lead Miss Pig to the graveyard."

A chiming noise was heard, then another one, as two messages popped up on the screen.

 _'Mariya Shidou has joined your party.'_

 _'Matsurika Shinouji has joined your party.'_

* * *

Kanako was confused. She reread the words before her, but they still didn't make any sense to her.

In the past few minutes, she had learned that Mariya was the daughter of the mayor and Matsurika was her maid. The blonde worked hard to study in order to be a proper mayor and replace her mother, while Matsurika spent her time cleaning the house. That led to the two of them spending most of their time inside the house, rarely seeing the outside world.

Then how, in the name of the Dragon Slayer, the Angel Queen and the Obsidian Crown was Mariya _forty levels higher than her?!_

Kanako checked the stat screen once again. Yup, the words haven't changed.

 _'Mariya Shidou_

 _Level 50 Mage_

 _Child of the mayor of Ame no Kisaki and cousin of Matsurika Shinouji. A prodigy in the arts of magic.'_

Every single one of her stats was in the hundreds, easily dwarfing Kanako's mid-fifty stats.

The blonde looked much too frail to have a Defence of _two-hundred._

Kanako's cerulean gaze wandered from Mariya's golden hair and onto Matsurika, a question forming in her mind.

 _'If Mariya is Level 50, then what Level is Matsurika?'_

Curious, Kanako pulled up the stat screen again, switching from Mariya to Matsurika.

 _'Matsurika Shinouji_

 _Level 300 Maid'_

"Are you kidding me?!" Kanako screamed in shock. "Is Maid even a real class?!"

"Yes it is, you ignorant fool," Matsurika retorted.

The two continued to argue as they walked, Mariya amused by their antics, though she never intervened.

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, please guide me so that I may become a successful adventurer!'_

Kanako rose from her kneeling position, towering over the flower-covered grave. Mariya stood up from the bench and approached her.

"All done?" The Mage asked.

"Yup!" Kanako replied, a huge smile on her face, erasing all evidence of the sombre expression she wore earlier. "Thank you for guiding me here, I think I'll be fine now!"

Mariya's tentative smile fell into a small pout.

"Wait, it's getting late. At least let me guide you to the inn!" Mariya protested, pointing at the steadily-darkening sky.

"Mistress Mariya is afraid of the dark. She actually believes the stories about serial killers and the like lurking in the shadows," The silver-haired maid (Maid?) claimed.

"Shut up Matsurika!"

"Actually, that would be a good idea," Kanako admitted. "I'm in your care once again Mariya!"

"Great!" Mariya cheered.

* * *

The inn Mariya had chosen had a lovely ceiling, Kanako discovered as she tried to fall asleep. Cream-coloured marble with flecks of grey was held up by wooden support beams.

Even if she needed to sleep, invasive thoughts and feelings kept interrupting her sleep cycle. Excitement, fear, happiness, worry... the resulting combination was going to keep the Warrior up until dawn unless she found something to distract herself, which was unfortunate as she really needed to wake up at dawn-

Oh. _Oh._

Slowly, like the sun dawning on the small town of Ame-no-Kisaki, a small realization dawned on Kanako.

She still wanted to talk to Mariya. Maybe out of gratitude, maybe out of romantic interest, but any chances of a conversation would be nearly impossible if she woke up and left the moment the sun was visible. Mariya would likely wake up much later than Kanako, and Matsurika would prevent any attempt to wake her up and thank her the following morning.

Kanako jumped up from her comfortable position on the bed, gathering her determination to walk down the hall and thank Mariya right then and there.

But even with the courage she had gathered in her room, Kanako found herself hesitating when she found herself facing the mahogany door Mariya was staying in. She didn't want to make an embarrassing outburst, especially in front of such a beautiful and kind lady...

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING BITCH?!"

The Warrior jumped back, shocked by the sudden screaming originating from the door before her. The voice was deep and masculine, and though it sounded familiar, the masculine part immediately made Kanako wary. Even in the RPG AU, she's scared of men.

"Oh shut up. It's not like the illusion magic will hurt you. Unless you're that much of a coward," Another voice deadpanned.

Kanako recognized it as the voice of a certain Level 300 Maid, the fact sinking into her mind before she realized that _holy crap, what was Matsurika doing in there._ The shock was so great, her legs felt wobbly, and before Kanako realized what was happening, she was on her knees, listening to the conversation as her mind desperately tried to process the entire thing.

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE ILLUSION MAGIC, THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I IN A CORSET?!"

"To be able to get revenge on you for your abuse of your poor maid, Master Mariya, you bitch."

Mariya? The only people in the room were Matsurika and the yelling guy, but Matsurika couldn't possibly be both at once unless she was some kind of ventriloquist. But Mariya couldn't be the yelling guy either because Mariya was sweet and cute and absolutely nothing like the angry corset guy on the other side of the door, but logic dictated that Mariya had to be the yelling guy because...

Kanako gave up on reasoning through anything, instead slumping down on the floor, pressing her cheek against the soft carpeting, attempting to recover from her mind overheating. She would have passed out and woken up in the hospital if not for the door opening and smacking her in the face just then.

Standing above her was Matsurika Shinouji, dressed in her frilly maid outfit, and providing Kanako a nice worm's eye view of what seemed to be lingerie. Blood escaped from her nose as Kanako continued acting like a corpse. A sigh was heard before her limp form was dragged into the room.

"Master Mariya, a guest for you. I suggest you get dressed before she wakes up."

Lifting her eyes from the floor, Kanako caught a glimpse of Mariya, standing above her, arms crossed over her bare chest.

Only, her chest was abnormally flat, even for the flattest of cutting boards, and around her stomach was a ... corset?

 _'It was her? The yelling guy?'_

That stunning revelation proved to be too much for poor Kanako, and she lost consciousness right then and there.

 _'Kanako Miyamae has fallen in battle. Would you like to use a Revive for 3 coins?'_

* * *

 _'Dear Mother in Heaven, this is Hell. Or at the very least, a very effective torture method.'_ Kanako thought as she wrapped up her injuries.

It was the fourth day since she had discovered Mariya's secret. In order to conceal his true gender, Mariya and Matsurika had continued to follow the Warrior even after they were supposed to part ways, tagging along as Kanako traveled through forests and rarely, _very_ rarely, helping dispatch monsters.

For the most part, Kanako was left to fight on her own. Despite the fact that the two could kill every one of the low-level monsters in one hit, the duo refused to help her at all, instead preferring to drink tea and chat as Kanako was scratched and stabbed and burned and poisoned.

It wasn't like Kanako couldn't fight them off by herself, but she could only win against hordes of enemies if she activated her special attack. And she didn't want to. Not because she _wanted_ to be horribly maimed, mind you, but because she already _knew_ exactly what would happen if she did.

 **Hypothetical Scenario**

 _Kanako growled as power surged through her body. Her teeth transforming into fangs and claws extending from her fingertips as her eyes turned blood red._

 _She easily tore through the army of monsters before her, but the true monsters were behind her, sipping tea from dainty cups._

 _"Oh my, she really is a dog," Matsurika stated plainly._

 _"Knew it from the first time I saw her, she acted like a wild beast," Mariya said in a deep baritone._

 _"Ms. Bitch, will you take care as to not make so much noise? We are having a tea party, if your pathetic brain can comprehend the concept," Matsurika called out._

 _And from that moment on, her nickname was officially 'Ms Bitch'._

Kanako shook the thoughts out of her head, thinking, _'No! I refuse to let that happen!'_

"Ms Bitch, would you like to help me with something?" Matsurika's voice asked, even though the grey-haired girl and the blonde had already gone to sleep (in a high class tent, leaving Kanako outside to find shelter on her own, of course.)

Cautiously, Kanako took hold of her sword, taking a healing potion from her bag in case things went sour. As loud as she could, she responded exactly as she would have if it was Matsurika who said those words.

"Hold on! There's no way I can help you after such rudeness to your elder! I'm a year older, so treat me with respect!" Kanako yelled quickly, before gasping so hard she body stiffened. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

"You wouldn't understand even if I did explain it. Now come over here and help me, bitch."

With a hand on her sword handle at all times, Kanako followed the voice to a small stream, kneeling before the clear water.

Not long after, an army of tentacles rose from the depths, striking at the Warrior with blinding speed. Kanako sliced off appendages and dodged when she could, but after a tiring day of getting her ass handed to her on a silver platter at every opportunity, the swordswoman's reflexes had become dull, and soon Kanako had every single one of her limbs restrained by pitch black tentacles.

She struggled to writhe out of their slimy grasp, but each time a single tentacle had loosened its grip, the others would tighten their hold on the Warrior tenfold. The force crushed Kanako and her bones let out an ominous-sounding groan as the woman felt her breath forced out of her lungs by the pressure.

Kanako was sure that she would pass out from the pain, maybe be crushed to death before she could reawaken, and that would be the end of her. Kanako would meet her mother again, apologize for not becoming a grand adventurer like she promised and then all the pain would be gone.

"Burn and be purified, monster!"

And then Kanako was set on fire. And somehow, that hurt even _more_.

The pressure was lifted off her body, but at the cost of flames, burning flames eating away at her until she couldn't see anything but pure white, couldn't hear anything but a sound that might have been her screaming and couldn't feel anything but _ **a g o n**_ **_y_** _._

That time, Kanako really did pass out.

 _Mariya used Firestorm!_

 _Tentacle Monster took 23684 damage!_

 _Kanako took 4000 damage!_

 _Tentacle Monster was defeated!_

 _Kanako fainted._

 _Kanako Miyamae has fallen in battle. Would you like to use a Revive for 3 coins?_

* * *

"You really didn't have to use such high-levelled spell, Master Mariya. Now look at what you've done. The pig fainted on us."

"Did you see how low her HP was? If I blasted that thing with anything less, she would have run out and died on us, which would mean we would have to return to Ame-no-Kisaki."

"I still don't see why that is an unfavourable outcome."

"Because this is the most interesting thing that's happened in a while, and I needed a break from my studies anyways. If we go back, I'll be bored again."

"I would protest further, but it appears the pig is waking up."

"Dammit, we're not at the healer's place yet! Just knock her out again, we'll be there soon!"

"Yes Master Mariya."

 _Matsurika used Blow to the Head!_

 _Kanako took 5000 damage!_

 _Kanako fainted._

 _Kanako Miyamae has fallen in battle. Would you like to use a Revive for 3 coins?_

* * *

This hospital scene has been removed, since there have been far too many of them in this story.

"Hey! That's just lazy!" Kanako protested.

"Well, there are only so many ways you can describe someone on a bed and almost dead," Mariya stated.

"Yeah, but it doesn't change the fact that it's a lazy solution for the author to come up with!" Kanako retorted.

"Just shut up and get ready for the next scene," Matsurika ordered.

* * *

"Why are you still here?!" Kanako demanded, screeching at the blonde and the silver-haired Maid.

"Why not?" Mariya shot back, an amused smirk on his face. "I'm bored and you're the comic relief. Journeying with you will be fun."

A string of curses escaped the Warrior's mouth as she paled, and Kanako could feel her soul escaping from sheer despair.

Five days ago, Kanako would have thought being followed around by Mariya would be heaven. Now she knew the truth.

 _'Dear mother in heaven, please help me escape from this hell!'_

* * *

 **I don't know what to say. Except for the fact that tentacle monsters can talk in this au. Because every monster talks in an rpg.**

 **I hope you enjoyed reading this! Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	17. Kanako has the memory of a chicken

**The thing has already been said multiple times, and it will be said many times more. Now is not one of those times.**

Chapter 11: It's a Birthday Party! Again!

Alternate Title: _Goddammit Kanako!_

* * *

 _'Dear mother in heaven, Kanako is about to die. Kanako thought that her roommate could not get anymore evil, but clearly she was wrong.'_ Kanako sulked as she was forced to clean the floor.

"Remember, don't you dare miss a single spot!" Mariya commanded, tapping his foot against the wooden floor of the dormitory hallway as he watched over Kanako's work.

"Why are you so mad?!" Kanako demanded, rising from her hands and knees into a more comfortable kneeling position, taking the opportunity to stretch out her aching back.

Mariya stomped his foot down on the floor, making the kneeling girl flinch away from the sound.

"Get back to work," Mariya demanded, and Kanako followed, mostly out of fear for her life.

Elsewhere, in the halls of Mori-no-Mihoshi, Shizu quietly muttered to herself.

"Poor Kanako..." The benevolent twin said out of empathy. "Mariya must be really mad about the present thing. I hope he doesn't kill her before the end of the month."

* * *

 _'Dear mother in heaven, your daughter Kanako might be dead by the end of the month.'_

Kanako screamed internally, trying not to let her grip on the bento falter as she walked.

 _'I'm going to die. I'm going to die.'_

The mantra continued in her head, repeating over and over in an endless loop, the four words keeping Kanako's feet moving steadily towards her doom.

Kanako gulped in fear when she reached her destination. Hesitated, took a moment to stare at the mouth of the lion's den, before lifting her hand to knock on the door. She paused to gather her courage, and knocked.

Father Kanae threw open the door, panic clear on his face as he grabbed the hand Kanako used to knock on the door, unknowingly causing hives to appear up and down her skin.

"Miyamae! I had been informed before of your terrible circumstances!" The priest screamed, giving Kanako a headache along with hives. The rest of his words became meaningless nonsense to the second-year student, Kanako being far too preoccupied with her imminent demise than whatever words the older man was spewing.

"N-N-Nietzsche!" Kanako wailed as she failed to force Father Kanae to let go of her.

 _'Nietzsche? Could she be referring to the famous German philosopher who considered Christianity a creation of human flaws? Is this some round-about way of telling me that she believes that God is dead and all humans are flawed? Should I intervene? No! This is a very fragile and delicate manner of teenage rebellion, for now, I must allow Miyamae to know that her views are allowed and welcomed here!'_

"Do not fear Miyamae! God may be dead, but our bonds shall not break!" Father Kanae declared as he pulled the girl into an (unwilling) embrace.

Kanako began flailing and screaming, an unhealthy shade of red covering her skin.

 _'Have I done something wrong? Is this not the proper method to acceptance? No, it must be because I still remind her of her deceased brother!'_

Father Kanae was about to launch into a speech about family love and acceptance, before Kanako wormed out of his grip, and bento in her hands towards the man.

"P-present from Mariya..." Kanako muttered, just loud enough to be heard.

Kanae took the bento, a whirlwind of thoughts growing in his mind, most of them perverted and in no way allowed to be displayed in this story.

"W-wait, so murder is allowed, but Kanae being a pervert isn't?!" Kanako demanded, overcoming her fear of the man standing across from her to ask.

 _'Who is Miyamae speaking to? Could it be the ghost of her brother? Is that why she is speaking so cryptically? AND I AM IN NO WAY THINKING OF ANY PERVERTED THOUGHTS TOWARDS SHIDOU.'_

"Miyamae! You do not need to speak to the dead, for your brother is right here! There are no need for ghosts in your life!" Kanae exclaimed as he took hold of Kanako's hands with his one free hand, the other holding the bento.

Kanako fainted.

 _Kanako Miyamae has fallen in battle-_

"THAT'S THE WRONG CHAPTER!" Kanako screamed, despite being unconscious. She went back to pretending she was a corpse after.

* * *

Once again, this infirmary scene will be skipped.

"We're still doing this?" Mariya asked.

Kanako didn't respond, because she was unconscious.

Mariya sighed, grumbling as he crossed his arms over his chest, shifting a bit on his chair.

He really should have expected this. After all, he was the one who told Kanako to give the bento to Father Kanae. It was a punishment, something meant to hurt the older girl and make her suffer, and that's exactly what happened.

So why was he watching over her in her sleep?

He was supposed to laugh, now that Kanako was properly punished for her crime. He was supposed to be relishing her pain and knocking her down at every opportunity. Not watching her sleep like a goddamn sparkly vampire.

Mariya turned his head away in shame, his cheeks turning as red as his eyes.

Mariya Shidou's life was not a love story. He wouldn't get the girl and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. No, if anything, his only role was to be the monster, the villain who tormented the damsel in distress before she was rescued (taken) by a knight in shining armour and defeated with a swift slice of a sword.

The blonde laughed at the idea for a moment, amused by the idea of Shizu, or even Matsurika, dressed in shining armour and carrying Kanako in her arms, before returning to his musing.

It really was like a fairy tale, with the villain forcing Kanako into a locked room, all because she knew his secret.

But villains in fairy tales never fell in love with their captives, did they? They didn't care for or help their captives or throw birthday parties for them either.

Mariya sighed. It really wasn't the time to be thinking of metaphors and fairy tales. There wasn't a time one was supposed to be thinking of metaphors and fairy tales, at least not in Mariya's life.

The blonde rose from his seat next to the bed, cast a single glance over his shoulder at the unconscious girl, and left the infirmary.

* * *

"Mariya is mad because you forgot his birthday," Shizu stated over the phone, exasperated over her friend's idiocy.

"I didn't!" Kanako protested. "I was just a bit distracted... and didn't get a gift... and didn't show up to the party..."

"Kanako, that's called forgetting," The younger Shidou responded.

"W-wait, why does he even care if I remember his birthday or not?" Kanako wondered. " Mariya hates me! It doesn't make sense!"

"Mariya doesn't hate you," Shizu stated simply, her voice calm, very much unlike the panicking and frantic girl on the other side of the phone call. " He considers you a friend and greatly values your opinion. It must have really hurt him when you didn't show up, because it looked like you didn't care."

( Shizu wanted to say something more along the lines of ' _he wants you as his goddamn bride get a fucking clue already'_ but common courtesy prevented her from doing so. Damn common courtesy!)

"He tried to kill me!" Kanako retorted. "As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't deserve gifts from me!"

"Kanako, if you don't give him a gift, he's going to make things worse for you," Shizu replied. "It's better to swallow your pride and give him something late than face whatever he has in store for you."

The line was silent for a few seconds, Kanako weighing her options carefully. Shizu shattered the silence by saying, "If you don't, he's making you clean the toilets at Mori-no-Mihoshi tomorrow."

"Fine," Kanako said grudgingly. "What kind of things does he like again? I mean, I can't give him the cute dress I gave you..."

The sound of a soft smack was heard, Shizu grumbling under her breath.

"Kanako, how did you remember MY birthday, yet forget _Mariya's_? We're twins! We have the same birthday!" Shizu exclaimed in disbelief.

"I-I was so distracted by the problem of what to give you that I forgot about Mariya?" Kanako answered sheepishly, though her tone suggested that it was a question, instead of a definite answer.

"Just try to get him something he loves, or else you're going to die," Shizu ordered.

"Alright. Thanks for the advice Shizu!" Kanako smiled, before shutting off her phone.

"No problem," Shizu said to the empty room, even if Kanako couldn't hear her.

* * *

"What is this?" Mariya asked, waving a hand at the crude package on his bed.

"A gift," Kanako replied, a small smile on her face.

"So you actually remembered what you did wrong," Mariya whispered under his breath. "Maybe she's not as dumb as I thought."

"Wait, so Shizu was right?!" Kanako exclaimed in shock. She paused for a moment, before adding, "I'm not dumb, okay?!"

Mariya sighed before opening the box.

Inside was a plastic container, full of all sorts of treats. Cookies, cupcakes, chocolates, macaroons... there were so much desserts inside that Mariya couldn't count them all, let alone name them.

Kanako beamed with pride as Mariya opened the container, taking a small chocolate and popping it into his mouth experimentally.

It was delicious, sweet milk chocolate covering up the hazelnut interior, and Mariya couldn't help but be proud of Kanako as well. She truly was an excellent dessert chef.

"I had to stay up all night and skip some of my classes to make all of this, so I hope you enjoy it!" The older girl smiled, energy and joy pouring off of her being, even though she should have been exhausted by the feat of staying up all night.

"You're forgiven," Mariya said begrudgingly as he took a bite out of a cookie. "But don't let it happen again."

Maybe he wasn't the hero of this story. Maybe he wouldn't get a happy ending with the girl of his dreams.

But maybe, just maybe, seeing her smile and being able to stay with her for so long...

Maybe that would be enough.

* * *

 **This chapter idea was suggested by sonicfan2000. And yes, you can suggest ideas for future chapters.**

 **I hope you liked it, sonicfan2000!**

 **Also, I'm not sure whether to headcanon Kanako as a good chef or a godawful one, so I took the 'amazing-chef-who-can-produce-miracles' headcanon and the 'cannot-cook-at-all-send-help' headcanon and mixed them together to make the 'she-is-a-genius-at-making-desserts-but-if-she-tries-to-make-something-else-someone-is-going-to-get-poisoned' headcanon. Yay.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	18. How

**I don't own anything. I don't even own this idea.**

Chapter Wait what: How.

Alternate Title: _Against all odds, these two somehow ending up getting married_

* * *

Something old, something new. Something borrowed, something blue.

Years ago, Kanako's mother had told her about the tradition associated with marriage, held the (at the time) small child, and sang songs of good luck and beauty. Entranced by the poem and tunes her mother told her about, Kanako promised herself to incorporate every single aspect of them in her own marriage.

An old bracelet, that once belonged to her mother, and her grandmother before that and her great-grandmother before that, wrapped around her wrist.

A brand new golden ring, made to fit her hand and her hand alone, embedded with so many fragments of diamonds that it glittered like the night sky.

A rosary, one so expensive that the centerpiece alone was worth ten billion yen, the same one that belonged to the former chairman, hanging from her neck.

And finally, a jewel brooch, a silver center supporting sapphire petals, pinned to her dress.

Those were the four special items the bride wore for good luck as she walked down the aisle, hand in hand with the man that rose her from birth.

When her father let go of her hand, he looked his daughter in the eyes and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Kanako didn't need words to see the pride in his eyes, and she took her place by the altar, facing her soon-to-be husband.

Mariya looked up at her ( _because even after so long, Kanako towered over him_ )and gave her a smile. Kanako couldn't help but marvel at its beauty, even though she saw Mariya smile nearly every day now.

If someone had told her fifteen-year-old self that in six years, she would be marrying Mariya Shidou, Kanako would not have believed them. Not only because she had eyes for women, but also because the two of them had gotten off on the worst foot possible. ( _It can't get much worse than being blackmailed and threatened, can it?_ )

But somehow, hate and insults turned into love and friendship ( _though they kept the insults, just out of habit_ ) and Kanako found herself laughing at the absurdity of her life.

And she was brought back to reality by a tug on her hair, yanking her down to Mariya's eye level as her groom pressed a kiss to her lips.

How odd. She must have been so busy reminiscing that she missed the cue to kiss her groom- no, husband now.

As the two broke apart, Kanako thought she saw a flicker of doubt in her father's eyes.

* * *

Mariya found her again by the gourmet table, sampling bits of extravagant foods from all over the world and a glass of red wine in her gloved hand.

"Be careful now. You don't want to stain your dress with that wine. It'll take forever to get out," Mariya stated as his way of calling out to the taller woman.

Kanako turned and smiled at her husband, her tone teasing as she spoke.

"Are you more worried about the dress or me?"

"The dress," Mariya retorted instantly.

"Oh now that's just sad," Kanako pouted. "You care more about the dress than your wife! You should be ashamed, didn't you swear to love me above all else?"

"I'm beginning to regret it already."

Kanako started laughing at her husband's comment, only stopping when she nearly spilt the wine on herself.

"I told you so," Mariya said smugly.

"Oh shut up," Kanako waved dismissively, a smile on her face. "Anyways, I've got to introduce you to my dad! Come on Mariya!"

"It's Shizu, you idiot! Learn the name of your own goddamn husband for fuck's sake!" The shorter man corrected, before he was dragged away from the table by the hand.

Kanako, the same girl who flinched at the prospect of being touched by a male, was now taking hold of his hand, out of her own free will, without fear.

Mariya ( _Shizu, goddammit!_ ) couldn't help but smile.

Now that the two of them were bound by law and by love, there was no way they were going to live anything but an interesting life. It was just the natural consequence of their natures.

Kanako was too much of a trouble magnet for her own good, and Mariya ( _I already told you, its Shizu!_ ) had a bad habit of messing with the lives of others when he got bored. Together, they were a recipe for chaos and destruction.

Mariya couldn't wait to begin their chaotic, destructive lives as a married couple.

* * *

 **The idea for this chapter was submitted by Shizzzam. Thank you Shizzzam for submitting a lot of tiny ideas that can be completed quickly because thanks to you there are several updates a week instead of a really long chapter taking a really long time to come out.**

 **Anyways. Marriage. Somehow.**

 **I think it should be up to the reader how Kanako and Mariya got together, because I'm slightly confused by the idea that it might happen in canon.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	19. Poor CENSORED

**No, no and no.**

Chapter $$$: Poor Guy

Alternate Title: _Stay the fuck away from Kanako before Mariya fucking kicks you._

* * *

Mariya isn't sure what spurred him to agree with Kanako's sudden suggestion to visit the bookstore, because it surely wasn't the books.

Being rich, in possession of three personal libraries (okay, the ones at Ame-no-Kisaki and Mori-no-Mihoshi _technically_ don't count) and able to order any novel he wished over the internet meant that the cross dresser didn't have any actual need to visit bookstores, but he still stood before the doors, blank expression on his face as he and Kanako walked inside.

Mariya wandered, eyes glancing over titles he had no interest in and feet taking him all around the tiny bookstore.

How _boring_.

He was about to go get Kanako and ask if they could leave already when the older girl crashed into him, knocking them both into a bookshelf.

"Watch where you're going, dumbass!" Mariya snapped, rubbing his head in hopes that there wouldn't be any bruising.

"Mariya, we need to leave. Right now," Kanako whispered as she stood up, face pale and legs shaky. She looked like she was running from a horrible monster, something so terrifying that the mere sight of it caused her to flee.

She probably just ran into a male employee.

But still, Mariya wanted an excuse to go back to the dorms, and why would he pass up a metaphorical 'get-out-of-jail-free' card?

And besides, Kanako was probably just panicking over nothing.

* * *

It wasn't nothing, Mariya realized on the way home.

Kanako constantly looked over her shoulder, as if expecting someone to come out of nowhere and stab her (the mugger from chapter one, perhaps?) to the point that Mariya was tempted to slap her the next time she did it.

"Hey, Miyamae!" A loud, boisterous, male voice called out, causing Kanako to shriek as her face turned as pale as a ghost.

Mariya turned to see a schoolboy, a completely regular schoolboy, with no defining traits whatsoever, waving at the two of them. He barely had time to commit the boy's face to memory before Kanako was running, dashing off in the other direction much faster than Kanako ever ran in gym.

"Kanako, wait!" Mariya called out. Kanako didn't pause or so much as look back, instead continuing to put distance between her and the mysterious boy.

Mariya shot a glare over his shoulder at the boy, before rushing to catch the older girl.

 _'Great. And now she's running away. Thanks for_ absolutely _nothing, asshole!'_

* * *

Apparently, the boy had followed them.

Kanako had understandably panicked when the boy rushed towards her in the middle of class while screaming her name, and fled the room. She hid inside the archery building closet, huddled in between boxes of targets and arrows, trying to catch her breath.

Kanako hugged herself as memories filled her mind, cruel laughter ringing in her ears as she shuddered.

"Miyamae!" The boy called out, his voice coming from right behind the door.

Kanako bit down on her tongue, silencing her scream before it ripped out of her throat.

* * *

"His name is **[CENSORED]** ," Matsurika stated, reading off of the page she had printed out.

"What's with the censor?" Mariya asked impatiently.

"The author didn't want to give him a name," The maid explained. "He previously attended **[REDACTED]** , Kanako's old school. He was the leader of the group of bullies that caused her fear of men."

"And he _followed_ her here?!" Mariya demanded.

"Yes. He's currently headed towards the archery building, which, coincidentally, is where Kanako is hiding," Matsurika said, voice devoid of emotion.

"God fucking dammit," Mariya's voice on the other hand, betrayed many emotions; restrained anger, worry and fear were evident in his speech as he began running towards the archery building.

Matsurika decided to file away this moment of weakness as 'Something to tease Master Mariya about later'.

* * *

"G-g-get away!" Kanako shrieked, pressing her back against the wall in an attempt to distance herself from the boy in the doorway. She wished she could flee the building, but that would require either running through the doorway or breaking through the wall. And unfortunately, no matter how hard Kanako pushed against the wall, it wouldn't break.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to stand right here, far away from you," The former bully said slowly to calm down the cowering girl, even taking a few steps back for good measure.

Kanako showed no signs of calming down, her breath still came and went in short bursts and she was still trying to shove herself through the wall, so the boy continued speaking, in the hopes that his voice would help calm her down.

"I wanted to apologize for bullying you," He confessed. "It must have affected you pretty badly if you're still afraid of me after all these years. I'm sorry."

Kanako froze.

"And I know, I was being stupid," The boy continued. "But I thought, there was no way you would actually notice me unless I-"

He was cut off by a shoe to the head. More specifically, Mariya, flying through the hallway at speeds surpassing a jet plane, kicking him in the back of the head.

Kanako had never been more confused in her life.

* * *

"Where are you going?" Mariya asked, looking up from his book in confusion.

"I'm going to visit **[CENSORED]** in the hospital," Kanako explained as she pulled on her vest.

"Don't freak out if there's male nurses or else you'll get kicked out again," Mariya reminded her.

"I won't!" Kanako protested. "I'm just going to tell him that I accept his apology, geez."

"He apologized?"

"Yeah, and he really felt bad about it too. I would feel guilty if I didn't at least give him an answer."

Silence filled the room for a few moments as Kanako pulled on a pair of socks.

"Hey Kanako," Mariya called out, causing said girl to pause in her attempt to pull on a sock and hop on one foot at the same time.

"I'm heading with you," The blonde declared. At Kanako's look of confusion, he added, "Well, I _am_ the reason he's in the hospital, so I might as well apologize. And stop gaping, you're going to intoxicate the room with your noxious breath."

"You, _apologizing?!_ " Kanako gasped in shock, before glaring. "I don't have nauseous breath or whatever it's called!"

" _Noxious_ , you deaf idiot," Mariya corrected. "Hurry up and put your socks on already. We're going in ten minutes."

Kanako immediately regretted answering Mariya's question and every decision that led to that point.

( **[CENSORED]** was happy at first, when he thought Kanako was the only visitor, only to pale as Mariya entered right after. The glare Mariya gave him didn't help at all.)

( Mariya scared him even more by threatening him with death if he ever hurt Kanako again, along with a side full of warnings to stay away from Kanako)

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by sonicfan2000. I apologize profusely to Shizzzam, because I got distracted by the shiny new prompt while working on the old ones.**

 **And I also apologize to sonicfan2000 because I went off the rails and forgot to have Kanako twist her ankle.**

 **I'm going back to work on Shizzzam's ideas now, before I get distracted by candy and sugar.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	20. Kanako Defense Squad Assemble!

**I don't own Maria Holic. Wow, that's the first time I've said those words in forever.**

Chapter Blah: Shizu (M) isn't a yandere in this one, I swear

Alternate Title: _There's a Kanako Miyamae Defence Squad and that's all that needs to be said on the matter._

* * *

Don't mess with Kanako Miyamae.

At this point, those five words were an unspoken law that drifted around the school, one that warned the students of the dangers of causing trouble with the second-year student.

It wasn't because Kanako was particularly strong or intimidating, no, in actuality, she was a perfect target for bullies in nearly every way. Above average height made her the ideal target for Eiffel Tower jokes, while her skin condition, which caused her to break out into hives the moment a boy touched her, meant that male students could easily persuade (read: threaten) her into doing things. In addition, chronic nosebleeds had made her body weak and frail, something most assholes would make fun of as well. But none of those traits were the reason Kanako was someone you wouldn't want to cross.

The real reason no one wanted to mess with Kanako was because of the accidents.

A boy who had stolen Kanako's lunch money crashed his bike into a tree the day after, breaking his arm. A girl who had been harshly insulting the raven-haired girl had half her hair cut off by accident when getting a haircut. Mr. Kanae, the old English teacher, was fired after a single conversation with Kanako.

Rumours were creatures that grew stronger and stronger, but never seemed to die, leading to the fabrication of tales involving our dear Kanako that were so outrageous that very few people could tell the difference between the real accidents and the false ones.

Strangely enough, Kanako was not one of those people. If you asked her about the accidents that were supposedly her fault, she would ask what you were talking about. Originally, the students of Ame-no-Kisaki (public school edition) believed that it was all an act, a mask to cover up her supposed guilt, but over time, the student populace had agreed that Kanako Miyamae was just not capable of that sort of deception.

And thus, the blame for the incidents had shifted over from Kanako, turning from a focused laser pointer firmly directed at Kanako to a spotlight, bathing many people in its' light.

Some groups claimed that the accidents were accidents, because they were skeptics, because even in the face of mounting evidence and cases, they firmly believed that Kanako had nothing to do with the incidents. Those groups were mostly ignored.

Another group of students pointed the blame at Kanako's small and meager group of friends; Yuzuru Inamori, Sachi Momoi and Kiri Nanami. They argued that the trio was fairly odd on their own, so it wouldn't be out of the question for the three to do something as odd as orchestrate revenge plots for those that wronged their friend, right?

That group was also ignored, if only because Yuzuru and Sachi were far too kind-hearted to do such a thing. Kiri might have been a bit more morally ambiguous ( _read: has the personality of a robot_ ) but in the end, the brunette never had any bad intentions for anyone, so she was out of the question as well.

The remainder of the students ( _at least, the ones who cared about the case of Kanako Miyamae_ ) had pointed the finger at Kanako's housemates, the Shidou-Shinouji family. Mostly the Shinouji side, though, since both Shizu and Mariya seemed far too kind and pure-hearted to even consider as suspects and also because both Rindou and Matsurika had some... _unsavoury_ interests.

( _Part of Kanako's role as the school's gossip victim was the lack of privacy. Not only were her skin condition and chronic nosebleeds public knowledge, but so were her living conditions._ )

One popular rumour was that the reason why Kanako was in the same year as her four housemates despite being a full year older was because of an incident involving Rindou, a fake machine gun and several bags of glitter. No one agreed on the specifics beyond those three elements though. Opinions were split between 'Rindou rigging the machine gun to fire glitter and blaming it on Kanako' and 'Rindou set the machine gun on fire, Kanako attempted to put it out by pouring water on it, only to discover that the buckets of water she filled up were now filled with glitter'.

Matsurika also had her fair share of rumours following her about, something to be expected of one who associated herself with the school's mystery and regularly wore a maid outfit to school. Many discussions arose about how none of the teachers considered it a breach of dress code, only for those involved to leave with more questions than answers.

However, because that group was more concerned with figuring out how Matsurika got away with wearing a maid outfit everyday and discovering the details behind an incident that happened over a year ago, they never realized that they were right about the culprits of the accidents, just not in the way they believed.

* * *

"Kanako has a date with a student from the third-year class this Friday," Rindou reported.

"Do you know when, where and who?" Mariya inquired, pulling out a sheet of paper so the ' _Kanako Miyamae Defence Squad_ ' could make a proper plan.

"Ryuuken Ishima, female, member of the Drama club," Matsurika stated as Mariya dutifully jotted down the information on her paper.

"Ryuuken is planning on bringing Kanako to the park after her Drama club activities, which would make the starting time about three in the afternoon," Shizu said, not even bothering to look up from his book as he spoke.

"The park's environment immediately rules out most of our plans, since most of them require indoor use. Furthermore, there's always a risk of accidentally harming Kanako with our plans, which goes against our goals," Rindou explained, trying to think of a plan that could be used outdoors while also keeping Kanako out of harm's way.

"I could distract her," Mariya offered. "I'll 'coincidentally' visit the park at the same time as them, and get her out of range."

"So we only need to worry about finding a plan that works outside, huh?" Shizu asked.

"Yes, you would know that if you were paying attention, Master Shizu," Matsurika deadpanned.

"I was paying attention, I was just asking for clarification!" Shizu retorted, scowling at Matsurika.

"I propose using Plan Blackbird 3-3-5," Rindou proposed, ignoring his bickering relatives.

"This doesn't seem like the time for poker renditions of anime songs," Mariya replied, doubt creeping onto her face.

"No, _Three_ -Three-five," Rindou corrected.

"Oh, yeah," Mariya gasped as she remembered. She called out to her brother and her cousin tentatively, saying, "Shizu, Matsurika, we agreed on a plan. Could you please get the materials?"

Shizu and Matsurika agreed, putting aside their argument for Kanako's sake.

Elsewhere, Ryuuken Ishima was hit with a impending sense of doom. That sense of doom later turned out to be an omen, since right after, she fell into a pit trap on the soccer field, and got a billion scratches for her troubles. She had to cancel her date with Kanako because of her injuries.

(Rindou was disappointed that the ' _Kanako Miyamae Defence Squad'_ s plan couldn't be carried out, but he was also discreetly proud of himself for creating the trap that led to Kanako's protection.)

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by Shizzzam. I'M ACTUALLY WORKING ON YOUR IDEAS DON'T WORRY.**

 **And wow, two updates in one day? I feel like that hasn't happened in forever, but I'm probably wrong.**

 **Also, did anyone spot the 50% off joke?**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	21. Pillow Fight!

**I don't own things.**

Chapter Whatever: In Which Kanako Actually Asks Some Reasonable Questions

Alternate Title: _This Is Probably The Closest Thing They Ever Had To A Normal Afternoon_

* * *

Kanako and Mariya's room was always lively, with screams and laughter being heard from behind the door for much of the day. The inhabitants of Girl's Dorm Two had long stopped wishing for quiet, peaceful afternoons, instead appreciating the silence on one of the rare occasions the dorm was completely quiet.

Inside their room was silence, Kanako attempting to finish her homework and Mariya wordlessly lying on his bed, headphones covering his ears connected to the phone in his hand.

Kanako was never one for silence. It felt suffocating to her, every moment building upon the pressure on her shoulders, daring her to break the moment of silence.

And so she did.

"Hey, Mariya," The taller girl called out, shattering the quiet moment entirely. "I have a question."

The blonde briefly looked up from his phone, shooting a glare at the older girl. Kanako decided to interpret that as both a confirmation that he was listening and a sign to keep going.

"Why do you torture me so much anyways?" Kanako asked casually, as if she was asking about her abandoned algebra rather than the strange, love-and-hate relationship the two seemed to have.

Mariya didn't respond, either not hearing through his headphones, or not caring.

Irritated, Kanako rose, making her way to Mariya's bed. She reached towards Mariya's headphones, ready to grab them and scold him for ignoring her...

...before retracting her hand quickly, remembering that Mariya was not the kind girl he appeared to be, but a boy, and would make her break out into hives at the slightest touch.

Mariya saw the gesture, amused by Kanako's forgetfulness. He sat up and removed his headphones, grinning slightly.

"Huh? Is there something bothering you, Kanako?" Mariya asked sweetly, raising his voice into the falsetto he always used when pretending to be a female.

"Yes," Kanako replied bluntly. "Did I ever do anything to make you hate me and stuff? Or am I just the poor, unfortunate victim of your sadist kink?"

"Do you want to die?" Mariya asked threateningly, his grin replaced by a glare.

"See, you're doing it again," Kanako replied. "I just don't get it. Do you just like insulting me and stuff, or do you actually hate me?"

"I'm not answering that question," Mariya huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. Unfortunately, Kanako missed the pink dusting his cheeks.

"Aha! So you _do_ have a sadist kink!" Kanako declared triumphantly.

"What the hell?! Don't misinterpret my reactions like that!" Mariya yelled as he tossed his pillow at the taller girl.

"How else am I supposed to interpret them if you refuse to answer my question?!" Kanako retorted as she shielded her face from the projectile. The pillow bounced off her arms harmlessly, falling to the floor.

"Just forget about it like you forget about your homework!" Mariya shot back.

"I did not forget! I just wanted to know before I went back to do it!"

"Like hell you did. Your brain doesn't have the ability to think about more than one thing at once, so you probably just forgot about it the moment you entered the conversation," The younger boy spat out.

"Shut up!"

"Is that the best you can come up with? How _pathetic_ ," Mariya sneered.

Kanako grabbed the pillow off the floor and hit Mariya with it.

Kanako did not have time to regret her hasty decision, because Mariya grabbed the other pillow off his bed, screamed a war cry and began his mission to beat her to death with a pillow. The older girl tried her best to respond with a few hits of her own, but Mariya's flurry of attacks were so fast, there was no way Kanako could hope to attack and defend at the same time.

Kanako sank to her knees as she attempted to fend off the attack. Mariya hopped off the bed and grinned as he brought the pillow up for a final blow.

The older girl smiled as she slammed a leg into the back of Mariya's knees, causing the boy to crumple to the ground. Not letting the opportunity go to waste, Kanako quickly grabbed Mariya's pillow, trying to steal the cushion from him.

Mariya was not one to give up. Even in his disoriented state, he kept a tight hold on the cushion, not allowing Kanako to take away his pillow.

The two tugged it back and forth, neither wanting to admit defeat to the other, until Kanako mustered all her strength into one good pull...

And Mariya was sent flying into her chest.

"Ouch..." Kanako moaned as her back hit the floor.

Mariya groaned in pain as he pushed himself off of Kanako-

And both parties promptly froze upon noticing the suggestive position they were in.

The rare silence surrounding the dorms was broken by a loud screech.

"GET OFF ME YOU PERVERT!"

"YOU'RE THE PERVERT, DUMBASS! AND STOP SUFFOCATING ME WITH YOUR BAGS OF FAT!"

"THEN GET OFF! I'M GETTING HIVES AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Mariya pushed himself into a sitting position, face still bright red. Kanako scrambled away from him, her face a matching shade of scarlet.

"There, are you happy now?" Mariya demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Of course not!" The raven-haired girl shot back. "I wanted the first person touch my boobs to be a beautiful woman, not you!"

"It's not like I wanted to!" Mariya retorted. "Who would want to touch a pervert like you there anyways?!"

"The humans on Earth who appreciate a good pair of breasts, that's who!" Kanako stuck out her tongue, smug expression on her face as she continued. "You're just jealous because that was your first and only opportunity to grope someone and you passed it up."

"What else was I supposed to do with you screaming at me?" Her roommate inquired rhetorically.

"Spend a few seconds basking in between two huge boobs before getting off," Kanako answered, despite Mariya's question being rhetorical.

"I am disgusted by you and your entire being," Mariya stated in disgust.

"Aha!" The older girl declared, pointing a finger at Mariya dramatically. "So you _do_ hate me!"

"You're still going on about that?!" Mariya cried out in disbelief.

"Of course! That was my entire mission in this chapter!" Kanako confirmed.

"More like you didn't want to do your homework..." The blonde muttered under his breath.

"Hey! That has nothing to do with you hating me!" Kanako protested.

"I _don't!_ " Mariya yelled.

"You don't?" The big-breasted girl asked in confusion.

Mariya's face became an even brighter shade of red as he spoke.

"Of course not. Why would I be nice to you if I hated you?"

"For your own amusement," Kanako responded immediately. Mariya fought the urge to hit something when he heard her answer.

"I can count the number of times I've been nice to _anyone_ on two hands, and none of those times were for my own amusement," Mariya stated, even counting off his fingers to prove it.

"Seven times," Mariya announced.

"Wait, seriously?" Kanako asked, confusion clear on her face. "I thought it would be lower than that..."

"The time I gave Shizu a teddy bear, not firing Rindou and Matsurika, saving you from humiliation at Sachi's birthday party, throwing a party for you, being nice to your sister, letting Rindou trap me for once and giving you a birthday present," Mariya listed.

"The last one doesn't count!" Kanako insisted. "I don't even know why you kissed me, but you probably enjoyed see me freak out about the hives after!"

"You're an idiot!" The younger boy yelled, crossing his arms as his cheeks grew redder by the second. "Why would someone kiss you if they weren't in love with you?!"

"It's you. You enjoy seeing me panic," Kanako retorted instantly, before realizing what her roommate had just said. "What?"

"I'm. In. Love. With. You," Mariya hissed, pausing between each word to emphasize the entire sentence to the raven-haired girl.

Once again, the fragile silence that had fallen over the dorms was shattered by an ear-piercing screech.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by Shizzzam.**

 **Sorry if the end seems a bit abrupt, I wanted to leave what happened afterwards to be up to the reader, so there you go!**

 **Hope you enjoy it, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	22. JUST ASK HER OUT ALREADY

**If I owned Maria Holic, this ship would be canon. It's not, so I don't.**

Chapter Someone get a calculator, I've lost count: JUST ASK HER OUT ALREADY

Alternate Title: _Shizu is the best wingman (wing woman?) ever_

* * *

Mariya wasn't sure whether to thank or punch his sister.

The meter was slowly inching towards punching her with every moment he waited, taking bites out of the cake he had ordered as he counted the minutes.

The meter immediately shifted towards ' _thank your sister_ ' when Kanako opened the door to the cafe hard enough to shatter a twelve billion dollar vase.

The taller girl didn't seem to notice the disruption she caused, instead searching the interior of the building as she tried to catch her breath. Mariya waved at her, and Kanako immediately smiled and took the seat across from him.

"I-I'm sorry I'm late. I got on the wrong bus," Kanako explained sheepishly.

"That's fine," Mariya stated as he finished his cake.

"Did you try the Heart's Delight speciality?" Kanako asked in excitement. "Their Chocolate Combo Blast Blizzard is amazing!"

"No, I'm afraid not," Mariya said, disappointed. "But I already know how much you love them. You told me in chapter five."

"Yup! I could eat them every day if I could!" Kanako declared, a grin spreading out over her face.

"I wouldn't try that, you need a balanced diet to grow nice and tall... well, talle _r_ ," Mariya responded, giggling a bit at his own joke.

"Stop that!" Kanako protested. "I just want to enjoy a nice, delicious meal, without any jokes about my height. Is that too much to ask?"

"Yes."

Kanako groaned. "Why must I be cursed with the height of a giant?!"

"So that you may one day outgrow Mount Everest and take your place as one of mankind's tallest structures?" Mariya offered.

"M-Mount Everest!? Even you have to admit, that's a bit of a stretch..." Kanako mumbled.

"Maybe, maybe not," The blonde teased.

"I hate you sometimes."

"Only some of the time?" Mariya asked, pretending to be shocked.

Kanako was spared having to answer by the waitress coming by. Kanako quickly ordered a Chocolate Combo Blast Blizzard (whatever that is) while Mariya simply asked for a glass of water.

Mariya laughed at how quickly Kanako finished her food, joking that if she ate like that for the rest of her life, she would be as wide as she was tall. Kanako let out a half-hearted protest, but was quickly laughing as well.

The two left the cafe, Mariya giving the waitress a rather large tip, (" _Mariya, I'm pretty sure a million dollars is too much_ ") and taking a walk outside.

Kanako admired the buildings, asking if they could visit some of the stores, and Mariya nearly always agreed. (The only time he refused was when Kanako pointed at the bookstore, saying that entering would be asking for a repeat of chapter 19)

All the while, the two exchanged friendly insults and discussed random events in their lives, laughing as the topics derailed into strange or unlikely conversations.

("Oh, that reminds me. How's your sister doing?"

"Oh, Miki? Well, actually, you wouldn't believe what happened with her."

"Can't be any worse than anything that happened to you."

"Actually, she has even worse luck than I do! So, one day she decides to visit the park while walking home..." )

"This was really fun!" Kanako declared as the two reached the dorms. "Let's do it again sometime, Mariya!"

As the blonde smiled and agreed with her, Mariya decided that he definitely had to thank his sister.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by Shizzzam. That means that this is the last request sent by Shizzzam. Yay! All done!**

 **How Shizu managed to get this date to happen is up to you. Originally, Kanako was supposed to think Mariya was Shizu disguised as Mariya (Confusing, I know) but I got so confused I didn't include it.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	23. Nightmare

**Nope! :D**

Chapter _: Nightmare

Alternate Title: _What is this._

* * *

 _Kanako wanted him to_ _ **die.**_

 _She wanted to kill him, to hurt him like he hurt her, to wring his neck and punch him and make him_ _ **suffer**_ _-_

Kanako gasped as she woke up.

She was safe in her home, no one to hurt her and torture her like at school...

So why was her heart pounding? Why did she feel like vomiting?

Kanako tried to dismiss the feeling, to ignore the dread that settled in her stomach and go back to sleep.

* * *

"Get away from me!" Kanako screamed, punching the bully in the face.

She wanted to make him **stop** , to stop hurting her, stop teasing her, stop all of it, and Kanako hit him without thinking, letting the desire to hurt and stop hurting control her body.

"Stop..." The boy beneath her gasped, through a bloody and bruised face.

Kanako froze, tears dropping onto his face.

She felt like she was going to be sick.

Kanako hurt him, made him bleed and bruise, all for a recorder and her gym clothes?

Kanako shuddered as she stood, feeling goose bumps rise on her arms.

The boy fled in fear, but Kanako didn't feel much better. She was scared of how she lost control, and disgusted with herself for what she did.

And that is the story of how Kanako Miyamae developed her fear of men.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by .**

 **A short one, and Mariya didn't even show up, but I hope you like it.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update!**


	24. Whose Idea was this- oh right

**Maria Holic? Belong to me? You must be joking.**

Chapter Something: Whose idea was this- oh right.

Alternate Title: _This is the weirdest thing I've ever written and that includes every chapter released so far_

* * *

 _'I was rendered immobile. Not by the ropes binding my hands and feet, not by the fear of death, but by the pair of scarlet eyes locked on mine.'_

"You said you would die for me," Mariya said, face devoid of emotion, before smirking slightly. "Why don't you die for me, right here and now, huh?"

The bound girl flinched, recoiling from the blonde's gaze. Mariya took note of this and frowned.

"What, are you afraid of me? Didn't you say you _loved_ me? Were you _lying_!?" Mariya asked, voice getting louder and more dangerous with each question.

 _'I don't remember ever saying anything like that... but everyone knows that if you say the wrong thing to a yandere, you'll die painfully.'_ Kanako thought as she shook her head.

"Good," Mariya said, his glare instantly transforming into a wide smile. "We'll be together forever now."

Kanako was petrified, from fear, from shock, from Mariya suddenly acting strange, from the kidnapping...

...until the voice of the director called out a loud, "And cut!", breaking Kanako out of her trance.

"Good scene, everyone, you did great today!" The man praised.

Kanako wriggled out of the fake restraints as she let out a sigh.

Acting was far harder than it ought to be. Acting _convincingly_ was even harder. Acting natural in such an unnatural situation was the _worst._

Kanako had no idea how Mariya could keep up his act all the time, but she sure as hell knew that if she didn't stop soon, she would hit someone.

* * *

The picture was bright and colourful, the paper displaying pink cherry blossom trees with a myriad of cute schoolgirls sitting underneath. Above their heads, printed on top of the cherry blossom petals, were the words, _'Super High School Love Story!'_.

Mariya snorted in disgust and amusement when he saw the game cartridge.

Had he not been involved with the game's production, he would have set fire to the thing the moment he laid eyes on it. Instead, he handed to game over to Kanako for her to play.

He watched over her shoulder as she began the game, excitement clear in her eyes.

The screen showed complete darkness for a moment, before a pink text box appeared.

 **"Kanako, it's time to wake up!"** It displayed, as a cheery, high-pitched voice emerged from the speakers.

Both Mariya and Kanako recognized it. It was hard to not recognize a voice you heard every day, especially when the owner of said voice was sitting right behind you.

The display on the screen changed, from total darkness to a full screen image. On the screen, Kanako, laying on her back with a blonde pinning her to the mattress was visible.

 **"Gah! What?"** Game-Kanako gasped in shock, her expression matching the confusion clear in her tone.

Suddenly, her face changed to that of boredom as she realized who it was.

 **"Oh. Good morning Mariya,"** The speakers grumbled, the text box matching the words blared by the computer.

The full screen image disappeared, shifting into a bedroom, matching the one Mariya and Kanako currently lived in, with sprites of both Kanako and Mariya appearing on top of the background.

 _'This is my roommate, Mariya. Don't be fooled by the skirt and hair, that's actually a guy,'_ The text box displayed, indicating that it was Game-Kanako's thoughts, not dialogue.

 **"Glad to see you're up, pig,"** Game-Mariya smirked as he spoke.

 _'He's also an asshole, the reincarnation of Satan and has an ego the size of Saturn,'_ On screen, Game-Kanako's sprite shifted her expression, from her default smile to a pose of confusion. _'Wait, is Saturn the biggest planet? Because if it isn't, it's not big enough for him. Was it Mars?'_

 **"Incorrect,"** The virtual Mariya said, with condescending arrogance clear in his smirk. **"The biggest planet is Jupiter, dumbass. Don't you even know your planets?"**

 _'And yeah, he can read my inner monologue. Don't ask me how, I don't even know.'_

 **"If you don't shut up and get dressed, we're going to be late,"** Mariya's sprite crossed his arms, the perfect picture of morning grumpiness.

The screen darkened, two stripes of pink stretching from one side to the other. On those stripes were words, and a heart shaped cursor pointed at one, flashing every few seconds to indicate that it was the default option.

 ** _'Agree, it won't do any good to argue.'_**

 ** _'Argue! I won't take this abuse anymore!'_**

It was the first dialogue choice.

Kanako took no longer than the time it took to read both options to choose the second one, immediately triggering an event flag. The game versions of her and Mariya immediately began their bickering, Kanako smug as she opened the menu.

 _'I'll lower Mariya's affection as far as it can go, and then I'll be free to pursue the other girls!'_ Real-life Kanako thought, checking the relationship screen to ensure her plan's success.

Only to falter and stare at the screen for a few seconds, trying to see if she was reading right.

Because if she was, then somehow, Mariya's affection meter had shot from zero points to twenty in the span of five seconds.

"What?!" Kanako gasped in shock. "Why is your affection rising?!" Kanako demanded, directing her inquiry at the blonde hovering over her shoulder.

"How should I know?" Mariya retorted. "I'm not the programmer or whatever."

Growling, Kanako returned to her gaming. Surely there was some way to lower Mariya's affection meter.

She just had to find it.

* * *

"How?!" Kanako exclaimed.

"Huh," Mariya said, staring at the 'GOOD END' displayed on the screen.

"At least show some more emotion than that!" Kanako demanded. "I rebuffed you at every opportunity! I insulted you at every choice! I chose not to get involved in your side plot! How did this happen?!"

"Is it really that important?" Mariya asked.

"Of course! I was trying to romance Yuzuru, not you!"

"Are you saying that you're upset you ended up with a wonderfully cute school idol like me?" Mariya teased.

"Of course!" Kanako declared.

"If it's that bad, just throw it out and play some fighting games with me."

"But you always win!" Kanako whined.

"Not my fault I'm better than you," Mariya retorted.

"It's because it's a pay-to-play!" The older girl explained, not willing to let her pride be damaged. "If it weren't for your excessive richness, you would lose every time!"

"Oh really? Prove it," Mariya challenged.

The two started up their favourite fighting game, the (completely accurate) dating sim ignored as it laid on the floor.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by SerenaKo413- wait, that's my username.**

 **This is the first chapter that wasn't submitted by someone else in a long time! I feel free!**

 **But I also feel like explaining stuff.**

 **The scene at the beginning is one of the BAD ENDs you could get by accidentally opening Mariya's side plot. (Yes, choosing not to get involved is the correct option. More below.)**

 **In every other path, you need to act like a typical dating sim protag (basically, nice, friendly, trusting, etc.) to succeed. Mariya's path is the exception. Unlike the other love interests, he's not interested in 'typical dating sim protag' and actually responds with spite if you act like that towards him. Why?**

 **Because he's the only one who falls in love with Kanako the person, instead of Kanako the ideal girlfriend, and thus responds positively towards the player when they choose options Kanako herself would choose, AKA acting like you hate his guts, not getting overly involved with his problems and fighting back when he insults you.**

 **TLDR: Game-Mariya is programmed to react positively to choices Kanako herself would make, and because Kanako is the one who played the game, Game-Mariya basically falls head over heels for her, all because she was being herself.**

 **Phew. Now with all the explaining done, it's back to work for me!**

 **Hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	25. AUs!

**Non, Maria Holic n'appartient pas à moi.**

Chapter (: Alternate Universe of Alternate Universes

Alternate Title: _For every universe we never met, there's a dozen more where we meet in the most unexpected ways_

* * *

Kanako pulled at the collar of her new uniform with discomfort clear in her eyes.

"Don't worry big sister, I'm sure we'll be fine!" Miki declared, confidence pouring off her in waves.

"I'm not worried about that, it's just that this uniform is really itchy..." Kanako explained.

"Are you two ready?" A woman's voice called out from behind the door.

"Of course Ms. Irene!" Miki exclaimed.

The two sisters walked hand in hand, guided by the old woman to a boy and a girl, standing in the garden.

"Shizu, Mariya, these two are Kanako and Miki, two daughters of a friend of ours. They will be serving you two until adulthood," Ms. Irene introduced them.

The girl looked excited at this prospect, a smile as bright as her sunshine-like hair on her face. The boy looked unimpressed.

Kanako felt envious of her sister. Miki got the excitable girl, while she was stuck with the grumpy guy.

* * *

Kanako was nervous.

Today was her first day at Mori-no-Mihoshi, and she was determined to do well, despite her fear of men.

You might be wondering why a maiden like Kanako would be attending an all-boy's school. The answer is simple.

Her grandmother thought it would be funny.

Kanako disagreed.

"Master Kanako, your things are in your bedroom," Shizu, her ever-loyal (and rude) butler announced.

"Thanks Shizu!" Kanako smiled at the younger boy.

He was one of the few males she felt comfortable around, though she would never say that aloud.

Kanako didn't notice the concern in the blonde's eyes, nor the blush dusting his cheeks, instead walking onto campus with her head held high.

* * *

Kanako was nervous.

Today was her first day at Mori-no-Mihoshi, and she was determined to do well, despite her fear of men.

You might be wondering why a maiden like Kanako would be attending an all-boy's school. The answer is simple.

Her father, upon seeing that Kanako's fear of men had become debilitating and quite possibly permanent, had decided that the best method to cure Kanako was to force her to be in the vicinity of males, 24/7.

Kanako was tempted to hate him.

Instead, she simply endured her trial, knowing that it was meant to help her get stronger.

She didn't expect to get discovered so early on though, much less on the first day.

"So, care to explain what's with these huge bags of fat of yours?" Shizu, her new roommate (and the reincarnation of the devil ) asked.

As she desperately attempted to explain, Kanako felt like she had walked straight into hell and become roommates with the devil.

Kanako was really beginning to hate her father.

* * *

 **Yay for AUs! And yes, they're separate alternate universes. Because I didn't feel like giving any of them their own chapters.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	26. Aww

**I don't own anything! You can't pin anything on me!**

Chapter Marriage: Yes.

Alternate Title: _I'm still so confused_

* * *

Kanako couldn't sleep. Her heartbeat drummed along in her ears, preventing her from obtaining the rest she so desperately desired and needed.

"Kanako," Mariya called out from beside her. "What's wrong?"

Kanako froze when her husband addressed her.

"I-it's nothing, go to sleep," Kanako claimed, not wanting Mariya to worry about her.

"It's obviously not nothing if you're still awake at one in the morning," Mariya replied, snarky even when dead tired.

When Kanako refused to answer, Mariya softened his tone, and repeated his question again.

"Kanako, what's wrong?"

His wife sighed, decided it was best to answer honestly.

"I'm just a bit nervous," Kanako admitted. "I mean, we're married now, and we're sharing a bed..."

"We've shared beds before," Mariya reminded her.

"That was when you snuck in while I was sleeping," Kanako pouted. "And it feels different now, you know?"

"How about this instead?" Mariya offered, holding his hand out for the raven-haired woman to take. "We hold hands instead of whatever you're imagining."

"It's nothing indecent, I swear!" Kanako protested as she took hold of Mariya's hand.

"Right," Mariya retorted, stretching out the word to show his disbelief.

A silence fell over the two for a moment, before it was broken by Kanako's soft laughter.

"What are you laughing at?" Mariya asked.

"Isn't it funny? We're married, in a hotel room together, sleeping in the same bed, and we're _holding hands_ ," Kanako said between giggles.

"Is that supposed to mean that you're okay with taking it further?" The blonde asked teasingly.

"Nope, no, forget I ever said anything, Mariya," Kanako replied awkwardly.

"It's Shizu, you hopeless idiot," Her husband corrected. "Seriously, you have to learn my name."

"Sorry. Good night Shizu."

"Good night Kanako."

Hand in hand, the two descended into the land of peaceful dreams together.

* * *

 **Aw. That was adorable.** **I don't know where the humour went, but tooth-rotting fluff will be accepted in it's place.**

 **I can't stop smiling even after I finished writing it. Oh god.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	27. Glasses

**Blah blah blah, do not own. Blah blah blah,** **something something, sugar.**

Chapter Glasses: Glasses

Alternate Title: _The law of anime strikes again!_

* * *

"Why are you on the floor?" Kanako asked in confusion, towering over the crouching boy on the carpet.

"I broke my contacts, but I dropped my backup pair of glasses," Mariya explained as he reached under his bed.

"Can you even break contacts?" Before Mariya could respond, Kanako waved him off, asking another question. "No wait, better question. Are you some sweater-clad girl on an old western mystery cartoon?"

"Stop making references and help me out," Mariya commanded, growling as he came up empty-handed.

"Nope! If you're blind, then you can't torture me- AGHAGHARE GET OFF," Kanako screeched as the blonde grasped her ankle tightly.

"Are you sure?" Mariya asked teasingly. "Because I think I can torture you just fine."

"FINE, FINE, FINE I'LL HELP YOU JUST LET GO."

"Great!" Mariya exclaimed in his falsetto, wide smile on his face as he returned to his search.

After a few minutes of searching, Kanako found the pair of glasses wedged in the space between their desk and the wall. Mariya cleaned it on his shirt, before putting them on his face.

Kanako screamed.

"What the hell?!" Mariya cried out as kicked Kanako to the ground, interrupting her screeching.

"Its-not-fair-you're-too-cute-to-be-a-guy-ah-cute-cute-cute-"

"SLOWER."

"You were cute before, but the glasses suddenly boosted you to adorable levels!" Kanako exclaimed. "If you weren't a guy and a complete jackass, I wouldn't be able to control myself!"

"Great, another pervert falling for my girlish charms," Mariya sighed in exasperation.

"Don't you dare put my admiration of your glasses in the same category as Father Kanae!" Kanako protested. "I'm just responding to the law of anime as nature naturally intended!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You're the one who explained it, so you should know!" The older girl yelled, before crossing her arms with a smug expression. "But I'll explain it anyways, so appreciate this one act of kindness coming from me. Ahem. 'When a character who normally wears glasses suddenly stops wearing them, or a character without glasses suddenly starts wearing glasses, they will receive a massive boost in popularity.'"

"That wasn't an explanation, that was just you quoting my explanation from chapter thirteen," Mariya stated.

"It's an explanation either way! Stop being picky and accept the fact that the glasses make you look cute enough to make up for the fact that you're a boy!"

"What the hell do you mean 'make up for'? I'm cute whether I'm a girl or a boy!"

"But if you're a boy, you get an automatic cute point reduction. That's just how the world works."

"No, it really doesn't."

As the two argued, Mariya couldn't help but be relieved. Arguments, he was used to. He could argue with his roommate all day if he had to.

Kanako calling him cute? That was an entirely different matter entirely.

Mariya was glad that Kanako was distracted by their argument, since she didn't need a pair of glasses to see how red his face was getting.

* * *

 **Yay for glasses.**

 **Hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	28. Cooking!

**No.**

Chapter Poison: The return of semi-lethal chef Kanako!

Alternate Title: _Kanako can't cook, but she can sure as hell bake!_

* * *

Kanako couldn't cook.

Despite being an extraordinary baker, the moment the aforementioned second year stepped outside her comfort zone her works' quality fell from 'extremely delicious' into 'extremely poisonous, handle with care' territory terrifyingly quickly.

In order to ensure his roommate's success in the subject of Home Economics, Mariya Shidou was selected for the task of training Kanako in the art of cooking.

He was not pleased with the result.

"What _is_ this?" The blonde asked, gesturing at the lump of yellowish-grey matter on his plate.

"It was supposed to be an omelette..." Kanako murmured dejectedly. "But I burned one side and undercooked the other and there's eggshell in it and I used too much oil... it's a failure as an omelette."

"No kidding," Mariya agreed as he dumped the inedible creation in the compost. "Go make another one, but make it edible."

"Won't that just be a waste of eggs?" Kanako asked.

"Hmm, you're right," The first-year said as he fished out a pen and paper from his bag.

Mariya jotted something down on the paper, before handing it to Kanako.

"Make this instead," Mariya demanded.

Kanako's eyes lit up upon reading the paper.

 _'Omelette du Fromage'_

Even if it was a dessert based on the dish she had just failed at producing, it was still a dessert. She could do this.

 _'I wonder if this will really work?'_ Mariya pondered as Kanako rushed towards the kitchen, determination in her eyes.

* * *

"How?!" Mariya exclaimed in bewilderment upon seeing the perfect omelette Kanako had placed before him.

Kanako awaited her roommate's verdict anxiously.

 _'It's even delicious too,'_ Mariya noted as took a bite, the combination of the egg's fluffiness and the taste of the cheese bringing ecstasy to his taste buds.

The younger boy decided to ignore the perplexed inquiries bouncing around his skull, instead focusing on congratulating Kanako on the feat of creating an edible non-dessert food. (while sounding begrudging, of course)

* * *

 **I feel like these oneshots are getting shorter. I wonder if that's a bad thing.**

 **Also, omelette du fromage isn't even a dessert, Mariya just tricked Kanako into thinking that it was. It's just 'cheese omelette' in French.**

 **The moment Kanako thinks she's making a dessert, she shifts into 'supreme chef' mode. If it's anything else, it's 'lethal chef' mode. Mariya will have a hard time explaining that to the teachers.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	29. Dancing!

**No.**

Chapter I-Wanted-To-Try-Out-A-New-Writing-Style: Dancing in the rain, yay.

Alternate Title: _Why did I write this?_

* * *

Under the blanket of deep grey clouds stretching across the horizon, amongst the descending raindrops,

she dances.

It's slow at first, tiny hops and small steps creating ripples and splashes in the water pooling in the dips and curves of the sidewalk, but then Kanako finds a burst of inspiration deep within her soul

and then, her dancing is no longer an act of impulse and spontaneity, but a work of art.

Mariya watches in wonder as Kanako gracefully twirls around lamp posts and leaps over cracks in the pavement, silently wondering how someone who tripped up and fainted so much could move so gracefully.

Until Kanako trips in the middle of a side step, nearly falling face-first into a puddle of water, and Mariya laughs, relieved to see that his clumsy, idiotic roommate hadn't suddenly been replaced by a ballerina. Kanako ignores him, continuing her dance as she hummed a song to herself.

Under the blanket of deep grey clouds, stretching as far as one can see, amongst the descending raindrops, Kanako dances to a song only she can hear, and Mariya watches in amusement and wonder.

* * *

 **Third person, present tense? Did you mean 'writing style with a lot of run on sentences'?**

 **And for some reason, I really can see Kanako dancing in the rain, except she's more likely to fall on her face than this chapter indicates.**

 **On another note, the word document for this fic has now exceeded 100 pages! Yay. I would do something to celebrate, but I can't think of anything.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	30. Shizu (M) narrates stuff

**Nuh.**

Chapter ?: Shizu (M) Narrates Everything!

Alternate Title: _Remember, italics = flashback, and when it's a flashback Shizu is Mariya and Mariya is Shizu_

Alternate Alternate Title: _No wait, Mariya is Shizu the entire chapter, never mind._

* * *

 **( Childhood )**

 _Kanako got along with Mariya much better than she did with Shizu._

 _Mariya enjoyed talking with her friend, even though she usually agreed to play with just Kanako, leaving her brother to play with Matsurika and Rindou._

 _Shizu hated it._

 _How_ _ **dare**_ _ **she**_ _take away time with his twin sister?! They were siblings and siblings stay together. It was obvious that the only reason Mariya wasn't telling her off was because she was too nice._

 _Shizu wasn't afraid of being cruel, so he was the one to insult the older girl and tease her the moment the adults were out of sight. He wanted to punish her for the crime of stealing away his little sister._

 _But strangely, Kanako didn't seem hurt by his words. Instead, she fought back, with all the strength of a five-year-old girl, even if she didn't understand why she was fighting._

 _Shizu was amused. Even if Kanako was horrible with her arguments, even if she was weak with her punches, she was still a toy that reacted in ways the blonde hadn't expected._

 _Kanako became his favourite toy to play with, even if she didn't know it._

 _Eventually, the conflict became less of a way to get his sister back, and more of an attempt to see more of Kanako's reactions, her behaviour and mess with her mind._

 _It was always fun to see her screaming, flailing, or panicking because of one of Shizu's little 'pranks'. But afterwards, she would always be defiant, proudly claiming that everything was part of her strange plan._

 _But why didn't she act like that when it was the boys at school treating her like that?_

 _Shizu scowled as he saw the gang of seven-year-olds start insulting her, calling her names. Kanako said nothing, only keeping her head down and shaking._

 _Was she really afraid of these guys?_

 _He asked her after he scared away all of the bullies. How pathetic. It only took a couple threats to send them into tears. Even Kanako lasted longer than that._

 _Kanako's answer was so strange and shocking ( but undeniably Kanako-like) that Shizu paused in the middle of his mental criticism of the bullies to process what she had said._

 _"They were so ugly!" The older (but definitely not more mature) girl shrieked. "They looked like monsters and gross ogres! At least if it's you, you look pretty enough that I remember to fight back."_

 _Shizu couldn't help but laugh._ That _was her reason?! It was so stupid!_

 _Kanako stared at him in shock, and Shizu immediately switched from laughter to glares as he demanded an explanation._

 _"You can laugh! And smile!" She exclaimed in disbelief." I thought you were stuck being a mean grumpy face forever, but I'm glad I'm wrong!"_

 _Shizu rolled his eyes. Of course it was something as stupid as that. It was Kanako after all._

 _Neither child noticed the blush dusting the four-year-old boy's cheeks._

* * *

 **( Adolescence )**

It was strange, how things could change so much and so little in the span of eleven years.

Kanako was still energetic, bouncing back from being insulted like a rubber ball tossed at a brick wall.

Shizu (no, Mariya now) was still insulting her and teasing her at every opportunity.

But now he was prancing around in skirts and dresses, while Kanako droned on about her perverted fantasies.

They were different from the energetic girl who was both protected and bullied by the young blonde, but not so different that they created new routines.

He still woke up earlier than her, though instead of jumping on the bed or throwing her on the floor, Shizu woke up his roommate by throwing on one of his costumes and pinning her to the bed. Either way, Kanako still panicked and screeched at the younger boy, though sometimes there were some nosebleeds involved.

Kanako still needed help with her homework, despite being the older one, and Mariya always helped her. (Though not without some scathing remarks about her intelligence if she needed to go to someone younger than her for help.)

Mariya found himself enjoying the routine the two of them returned to, but rejected some of the new ones.

He was annoyed every time Kanako brought up women or her perverted fantasies, a scowl or glare guaranteed to cross his face every time the subject came up.

Another new annoyance was the fact that he was no longer the one of the people closest to Kanako, instead coming after her friends from class and Ryuuken and even the goddamn student president. Despite the fact that the time he spent with his upperclassman was technically longer than the time Kanako spent with her friends in class, sleeping took a large chunk out of their time together.

Mariya didn't know why that annoyed him. It was normal for Kanako to consider him a roommate and nothing more, especially when they bickered nearly every day.

Until he did.

In the middle of an argument about the older girl's intelligence, the pieces in his mind clicked together, and he could make sense of his strange behaviour.

 _'I'm in love with this dumbass.'_

Like fitting the final piece into a puzzle, he could finally see the image he was staring at.

Annoyance was a mask for jealousy, his inexplicable dislike of Kanako's friends being nothing more than a brief moment of envy.

However, despite his situation's similarity to a typical 'boy-meets-girl' manga, he knew it wouldn't end with a confession under the cherry blossoms or an orthodox romance. No, Kanako hated him and loved women far too much for that to happen.

Mariya/Shizu Shidou was not one to give up.

But no matter how one looked at it, his love was doomed to remain unrequited.

* * *

 **( ADULTHOOD )**

"You know, it's weird," Kanako stated, slumping over the couch with a grin on her face, clutching the controller in her hand loosely.

"What's weird?" Shizu responded, smirking as he passed Kanako on the track. He hit a button on his controller, allowing his bright pink go-kart to grow a pair of wings and fly ahead, increasing the distance between him and Kanako's faded blue kart even more.

"Aw, no fair," Kanako pouted, trying her best to catch up. "Anyways, I was thinking about how weird it was that I ended up living with you after school ended. I mean, I _can_ buy my own apartment you know. My job pays enough that I won't struggle with it."

"But I would miss my _idiotic roommate_ too much to bear if we didn't see each other daily!" Shizu declared, sarcasm practically dripping off his words.

"No seriously, why did you let me live in your house?" Kanako asked as her blue kart crashed into a wall. "Dammit."

"Wow, you suck at this," The blonde commented, earned a swat on the arm from the older woman. "Hey, won't you get hives from that?"

"Nah, you helped me get immune," Kanako responded as she finally started heading in the right direction. "Thanks for that by the way."

"You're welcome!" Shizu replied, a bright and obviously fake smile on his face.

"So are you ever going to answer my question?" Kanako inquired as her kart sunk to the bottom of a lake.

"Fuck!" Kanako yelled, throwing a pillow at the television screen.

"You really do suck at this," Shizu repeated as he crossed the finish line in first place.

"Shut up," Kanako grumbled.

The two roommates settled into a comfortable silence, only broken by the occasional sound of Kanako swearing.

It was only until after they finished the game that Kanako realized that her boyfriend never answered the question.

* * *

 **Haha, did you enjoy the twist at the end?**

 **And yes, they were playing Mario Kart.**

 **Also, to celebrate 100 pages, I have prepared this song.**

 _ **'Hooray, we've hit the 100th page! And thirty chapters.**_

 ** _Yay for Kanako and Mariya, getting up together_**

 ** _Even if it might not be canon, we still ship it forever_**

 _ **Hooray, hooray, yay, yay, yay'**_

 **What, were you expecting something else?**

 **Hahaha, just kidding. Thanks to everyone for reading! You're the reason I write this stuff.**

 **Hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**

 **Update: 23/08/2015**

 **After a review from sonicfan2000, I realized that this chapter might be a bit confusing. But I can't explain stuff in the oneshot because then it would ruin the twist. I'll explain it here instead.**

 **Okay so, Mariya, Kanako and Shizu all went to the same preschool, before Kanako moved away. Shizu (M) remembers her by the time they become high school roommates, but Kanako doesn't.**

 **As for how they ended up living together after high school, basically, Mariya/Shizu (M) ends up deciding that it's best to confess even if he's sure his feelings are unrequited at Kanako's graduation, to his surprise, Kanako doesn't react negatively other than a stock tsundere phrase . In front of the entire school, he ends up kissing her out of sheer relief. They decide to start dating (with the support and encouragement of the other students). Mariya/Shizu (M) allows Kanako to stay at his house after she graduates (With Mariya/Shizu (M) in the room across the hall from her's) and it kind of becomes a permanent thing. Kanako wants to buy her own apartment because she doesn't want to entirely depend on her boyfriend, but Mariya/Shizu (M) tends to avoid the subject when it comes up (because he doesn't actually want her to leave).**

 **(Sorry if it looks weird, I copy and pasted it from my answer to sonicfan2000 and it shows up yellow in the document editor and I'm not sure if it will carry over to when I add this to the actual chapter.)**

 **(Nope, never mind, not yellow anymore, it's okay.)**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	31. Yay for amusement parks

Chapter Fun Time: Yay for Amusement Parks!

Alternate Title: _Kanako, don't act like you hate this_

* * *

"You're leaving?" Kanako asked, staring at the blonde in confusion.

"Yeah," Mariya confirmed, pulling a sweater on over his dress.

"Oh, okay. Bye," Kanako smiled as she waved him off, only to freeze as her roommate approached her.

"You're coming with me," Mariya said, shoving his finger towards Kanako's chest, stopping right before he made contact, as if threatening her with his touch. Considering the fact that it was Kanako, said threat was very effective.

"W-Wait, why?!" Kanako stuttered as she shuddered.

Mariya didn't answer, only gently poking Kanako in the collarbone. Red bumps sprung up from the contact, and Kanako was quickly sent screaming.

"Come on, dress up already! We'll be late," Mariya ordered impatiently.

"Get out first!" Kanako shrieked, only beginning to undress when she was sure he had left the room.

Kanako was confused by Mariya's sudden orders, but dismissed it as Mariya simply wanted to humiliate her in public for a change.

The older girl sighed as she pulled on a skirt. She was going to spend the day catching up on her homework (surprisingly), but Mariya would kill her (or worse, give her hives until her untimely death) if she didn't comply.

Kanako looked over her outfit apprehensively, wondering if a jean skirt and tight t-shirt were okay for an outing like this- before realizing that it was Mariya, and he would mock her for her outfit no matter what she wore and therefore she shouldn't care at all.

Rolling her eyes, Kanako opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, where Mariya was waiting for her in all his impatient glory.

"Finally," Mariya huffed, crossing his arms.

Kanako didn't have time to reply, instead being dragged by the sleeve towards her doom.

* * *

"An amusement park?" Kanako asked, extremely confused.

"Glad to see your visual organs are still working right, idiot," Mariya replied sarcastically as he dragged her towards the entrance.

"Why are we here?"

"I got bored," Mariya shrugged as they got in line for the tickets.

"I'm not getting on any roller coasters or going inside any haunted houses," Kanako declared.

* * *

"I HATE YOU!" Kanako screamed as the roller coaster began its' descent, the ground rushing towards the girl much too fast for Kanako to relax.

Mariya simply laughed, the sound was distorted by the wind, but Kanako still looked towards the boy next to her with wide eyes as the roller coaster spun in a loop.

"If you're trying to torture me, it's working, you devil!"

"Who said I was trying to torture you?" Mariya asked, smirk on his face. "I just wanted to ride the roller coaster. Don't blame me if you decided to join in."

"It wasn't of my own free will!" Kanako protested, so caught up in her argument that she forgot she was on a high speed death coaster.

The blonde's reply was cut off by a person in the seat behind them yelling, "JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY!"

The pair's response came in unison, the only difference being their choice of words.

"What the hell? As if I would ever do something like that with this jackass!"

"What the hell? As if I would ever do something like that with this bitch!"

"I'm so sorry!" Another voice behind them called out, pausing as the roller coaster did a double loop. "Shun has a bad habit of saying whatever's on his mind. Please forgive him if he offended you."

Kanako grumbled as the roller coaster finally stopped, the bar across her lap lifting as she stood.

Mariya was more amused than annoyed as he dragged Kanako off to the next attraction that caught his eye.

* * *

"No!" Kanako screamed as she was dragged towards the haunted house. "I don't want to!"

"Come on, it'll be fun," Mariya stated, tugging on the older girl's sleeve even harder.

"No!" Kanako wailed, digging her heels into the dirt to try to stop her body's movement.

"Now, now, young lady," An older man called out, turning to address Mariya. "You really shouldn't force your girlfriend to go inside the haunted house with you. If you wanted an excuse to cling to her arm, you could just go on a roller coaster together."

"Oh no, I'm afraid I'm not the one doing the clinging," Mariya said charmingly, his voice in his falsetto and fake smile on his face.

"Alright then, I'll leave you to your own business. I hope you have fun on your date," The man said as he left the scene.

"That's the second time this happened!" Kanako huffed. "I don't get it!"

Mariya took advantage of Kanako being absorbed in her ranting to drag her inside the haunted house.

Never before had Kanako's screams been as loud as they have on that day.

* * *

"Hey Mariya, let me choose the next one! You've been choosing the whole day, so at least let me pick one!" Kanako demanded as she followed the shorter boy, out of her own free will this time.

"You _dare_ to make demands of the one who allowed you to come here today?" Mariya asked.

"I didn't want to come in the first place!"

A small distance away from the bickering couple, a young child tugged his mother's sleeve and pointed at the two, saying, "Mommy, look! The lesbians are fighting!"

"Timmy, don't say things like that!" The boy's mother admonished him. "They might hear you and get offended."

As the mother gently explained to Timmy why saying things like that was unacceptable, Kanako had finally convinced Mariya to let her choose where to go just once.

"Fine! But you better not choose that maid cafe I saw you eyeing on the way to the roller coaster," Mariya ordered.

Kanako sighed and rolled her eyes, instead walking towards a small booth.

A line of prizes were visible behind the counter, a lady in a pinstriped suit smiling as the pair walked up to her booth. A pyramid of plastic bottles were lined up just behind the woman.

"Welcome! This is the bottle toss booth!" The woman announced, wide grin on her face. "Just knock down the bottles and win a prize!"

" _This_ was where you wanted to go?" Mariya asked in disbelief.

"Don't insult the charm of a good old bottle toss!" Kanako retorted.

"She's right, it is a fun little game," The lady agreed. "And plus, if you win, you get a teddy bear!"

"One game please!" Kanako smiled as she pulled the money out of her skirt pocket.

"Here you go, little lady," The woman said, passing a tennis ball to the cerulean-eyed girl.

Kanako took a moment to take aim, before tossing the ball with all her strength. The tennis ball knocked down a single bottle in the middle of the pyramid, the plastic container clattering to the table in a wide arc, knocking down the bottles on top and next to it, along with two of the bottles on the bottom. However, when every single one of the containers stopped moving, Kanako was shocked to see a single bottle still standing.

"Wow! You did great!" The lady at the booth applauded. She handed Kanako a small phone charm of a cute bear. "But since you didn't knock down all of them, I have to give you this instead. Want another turn?"

Before Kanako could speak, Mariya pushed her aside, money already in hand as he addressed the lady.

"No, she won't. But I would like a turn."

"Oh, so you're going to try to win the prize for your girlfriend?" The woman inquired, a knowing smile on her face. "Alright, just let me set up the bottles!"

Both Mariya and Kanako froze in shock, which gave the woman enough time to prepare the bottles.

"There you go!" The lady smiled, breaking the two out of their stunned trance. "Now give it your best shot! After all, your girlfriend is watching!"

"She is not my girlfriend!" Mariya yelled, throwing the ball towards the pyramid.

Every single bottle fell to the ground. Kanako stared in shock as the woman said words of praise, handing a large teddy bear to the blonde.

Kanako continued to exist in that stunned state, until the teddy bear was shoved in her face.

"What?"Kanako asked as she removed the plush toy from her face.

"I don't need it, so you can have it," Mariya stated impatiently. "Are you going to take it or not?"

"If you didn't need it, why did you play?" Kanako inquired as she took the bear from Mariya's arms.

"To show how easy it is to win at those types of games, if the one playing isn't a dumbass like you," Mariya declared as he crossed his arms.

"I should have expected an answer like that..." Kanako mumbled.

An awkward silence fell over the duo, only to be broken by Kanako handing the phone charm to the red-eyed boy.

"What are you doing?" Mariya asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Well, if you're going to give me a bear, I might as well give you something too, just so you don't say I owe you something or whatever," Kanako explained, a small blush on her face.

"Alright," Mariya said as he took the charm.

"Hey Mariya, why did you bring me here again?" Kanako inquired as the two walked together aimlessly.

"No particular reason," The younger boy replied.

"I should have expected an answer like that..." Kanako repeated to herself.

"Ah, it's getting dark," Mariya commented as he looked towards the sky, pleasant surprise on his face as he noticed the sun setting for the first time. "We should head back to the dorms."

"W-wait, Mariya," Kanako called out, the setting sun nearly masking the deep blush on her face.

"Yes, Kanako?" Mariya replied, a sickly-sweet smile stretching across his cheeks.

"I-I had fun, sort of," The older teenager admitted, before adding, "But don't try that ever again, okay!"

"I won't," Mariya promised, a genuine smile on his face as the two headed home.

 _(Because home is where the heart is, and Mariya's heart lied with Kanako, even if she didn't know it)_

 _(When they got back to the dorms, Mariya attached the bear charm to his phone while Kanako wasn't looking. Kanako fell asleep hugging the bear Mariya gave her.)_

* * *

 _Bonus: The Thought Process That Led up to this Entire Thing_

* * *

Mariya paused when he saw the advertisement for the amusement park in the magazine he was reading.

 _'That would be incredibly boring,'_ Mariya thought. _'I wouldn't go there even if I was paid.'_

Mariya nearly flipped the page, when a thought struck him.

 _'If I went there with Kanako, she'd be freaking out,'_ Mariya realized, laughing a bit at the mental image of said girl panicking, when he blushed, another realization hitting him.

 _'If me and Kanako went there together, it would be considered a date, right?'_

Mariya's blush grew deeper as he imagined the two of them spending a day at the amusement park together.

And thus, Mariya Shidou became determined to drag Kanako along with him to the amusement park.

* * *

 **Mariya Shidou (M) is one of the rudest anime characters I've ever seen, with an ego bigger than Jupiter and a massive sadistic streak.**

 **So why the hell do I portray him as a massive fucking dork in love with Kanako, who has the attention span of an excited puppy?**

 **Oh, who cares.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**

 **Addition: 24/08/2015**

 **I forgot to add this!**

 **This chapter was inspired by Bouchou ni Igen wa Arimasen, a yuri manga this basically how Maria Holic would play out if Mariya was a girl and there was table tennis involved, and an Otp prompt that was basically 'Your not-yet-a-couple OTP has an argument in public. A random passerby yells "JUST KISS/FUCK ALREADY!". How they react is up to you."**


	32. Mariya goes yandere Again

Chapter yay: Mariya goes yandere for the fifth time

Alternate Title: _Seriously, yandere Mariya started as a joke, how did this happen_

* * *

You love me.

I can see how you bleed for me, how you refuse to admit it, but I still love you and you love me.

So just **what** do you think you're _doing_ , speaking of other people with that love-struck expression on your face and blood dripping out of your nose?

I won't let you love anyone else.

 **You're mine.**

I'll make everyone you talk about, everyone you look at, everyone you bleed for _**disappear**_.

I'll kill and kill and kill, until I'm the only person you look at, the only person you bleed for, the only person you _love_.

So then, for the rest of eternity, you'll love me and I'll love you, and there won't be anyone else in this love-filled world of ours.

It's not like you had a choice in the matter, Kanako.

* * *

 **I'm still confused as to why yandere Mariya keeps showing up. Like, in the dating sim chapter, it's just a twist thrown in to give you a solid reason to not open up Mariya's side plot, but why am I writing about yandere Mariya again. I don't know anymore.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	33. I'm not in love I swear!

**I do not own Maria Holic. I do not own Maria Holic. I do not own Maria Holic. I do not own Maria Holic.**

 **Because I forgot to add the disclaimer for the last two chapters, I have to see it three times to compensate. Wait, I said it four times?**

Chapter tsundere: How long can a protagonist deny a crush if a crush could deny the protagonist?

Alternate Title: _Seriously, if it took her that long to admit she finds him beautiful, just imagine how long it's going to take for her to confess._

* * *

I-it took me a long time to work up the courage to admit this, but Mariya is attractive.

Not just when he's wearing a bunch of sexy costumes (but he does look good in them), but when he smirks and glares too.

But most of all, he's beautiful when he smiles.

Not the fake ones, the falsified mask he wears to deceive the other students, but one of his rare, genuine smiles, one with actual happiness and emotion behind it.

W-wait, why is my heart pounding so fast?! It only does that when there's beautiful women around! And while Mariya might be beautiful, he sure as hell isn't a woman!

I-I-I don't understand! I would get it if my heart was pounding after thinking of Mariya in cosplay, but I was only thinking of him smiling! Why is my heart pounding?! Why is my stomach doing flips?! Why-

No. NO!

I am not, and will never be in love with Mariya Shidou!

... f-fuck.

* * *

Kanako wrapped her arms around the stuffed bear tightly, trying to hide the blush on her face and calm her breathing.

It almost worked, until Kanako remembered that said bear was a gift from Mariya, causing her to throw the bear on the floor as her blush returned with twice the intensity it had before.

(Kanako picked the bear up right after, but she refused to hug it anymore.)

* * *

 **First person present tense isn't only for yanderes, you know! You can make it work for 'Fuck-I'm-in-love-with-this-guy' monologues!**

 **Hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	34. Dating sim endings

**Since I said the disclaimer one extra time last chapter, I don't need to say it this chapter! Yay for happy accidents!**

Chapter Something: Ending

Alternate Title: _I was asked to make a chapter about the endings in the dating sim, so I will._

* * *

Kanako woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the door opening.

Shifting slightly, the sleepy girl opened her eyes a slit to see what was going on.

Mariya was at the door, a grim expression on his face as he stepped outside.

 **(** ** _CHOICE: Follow him_** **)**

 **(CHOICE: Don't follow him)**

As silent as possible, Kanako slipped out of bed, tiptoeing after the blonde in the darkened hallway.

Kanako followed her roommate outside the dorms, ducking behind trees and crawling under bushes as Mariya entered a storage shed, just behind the building.

The building reeked of blood, the scent alone proving too much for Kanako, and she fainted on the spot, her body thumping to the ground rather loudly.

Mariya cursed as he found her unconscious body, concealing the corpse in the shed once again and hauling Kanako over his shoulder, carrying her towards his home.

* * *

 _'I was rendered immobile. Not by the ropes binding my hands and feet, not by the fear of death, but by the pair of scarlet eyes locked on mine.'_

"You said you would die for me," Mariya said, face devoid of emotion, before smirking slightly. "Why don't you die for me, right here and now, huh?"

The bound girl flinched, recoiling from the blonde's gaze. Mariya took note of this and frowned.

"What, are you afraid of me? Didn't you say you _loved_ me? Were you _lying_!?" Mariya asked, voice getting louder and more dangerous with each question.

 _'I don't remember ever saying anything like that... but everyone knows that if you say the wrong thing to a yandere, you'll die painfully.'_ Kanako thought as she shook her head.

"Good," Mariya said, his glare instantly transforming into a wide smile. "We'll be together forever now."

Kanako was petrified, from fear, from shock, from Mariya suddenly acting strange, from the kidnapping...

... and the shock of remembering that her roommate, Mariya Shidou, cross-dresser and asshole extraordinaire, was a murderer, and she was now stuck in his clutches.

 **BAD END: YANDERE**

* * *

"Hey, Shidou, do you want to go out sometime?" The raven-haired girl asked, her voice uncharacteristically soft as she spoke.

"No thanks, I really don't want to," Mariya responded.

"You've been refusing all my invites!" His roommate whined, flopping down on the bed. "How am I supposed to bond with my roommate if he doesn't even want to?"

"You haven't been acting like yourself lately, so I'm ignoring you until you act like the Kanako I know," The blonde replied, a bored expression on his face as he returned to his book.

His roommate sighed as she prepared for a game over.

 **BAD END: REJECTION**

* * *

"Who are you, and what have you done with Kanako?!" Mariya demanded as he pointed the knife at the imposter.

"What are you talking about, Shidou?" His roommate asked in confusion. "I am Kanako!"

"You aren't acting like her," Mariya stated. "You call me by my last name now, you don't fight back when I insult you, you've been nice to me all month now, and it's incredibly obvious that you aren't her!"

"Wh-what? You're calling me an imposter because I've been _nice_ to you?" The raven-haired girl asked in disbelief.

"Yes. Now die," Mariya stabbed the cerulean-eyed girl in the chest, blood splattering all over the two of them.

The player character died with a soft gasp being the only thing to escape her throat. Mariya stroked the corpse's face gently, a smile on his face.

"She's gone. The imposter's gone. And Kanako will be coming back soon," Mariya said with a grin on his bloodstained face.

 **BAD END: BLEEDING OUT**

* * *

"So what do you say?" Mariya asked, holding out his hand. "Call off the arguments and admit we're friends?"

 **(** ** _CHOICE: Accept his offer_** **)**

 **(CHOICE: Don't accept his offer)**

Kanako stared at the blonde's pale hand warily for a moment, before shaking it lightly.

"Yeah. Let's be friends forever," Kanako said with a small smile.

"Forever, huh? I'll hold you to that," Mariya stated as he walked over to the desk, opening the drawer and grabbing something from inside.

Kanako didn't have time to respond before the needle was jammed into her arm.

* * *

"We'll be friends forever!" Mariya declared with a smile as he shackled Kanako to the wall. "Don't you dare go against your word, or else I'll kill you, alright?"

The unconscious girl didn't respond. Her head bobbed up and down due to Mariya's movements shaking her body, which the blonde seemed to mistake for a nod.

"Good. Now remember, you said _forever_. Which means you'll be mine, **_forever_**."

 **BAD END: LET'S BE FRIENDS!**

* * *

"So what do you say?" Mariya asked, holding out his hand. "Call off the arguments and admit we're friends?"

 **(CHOICE: Accept his offer)**

 **(** ** _CHOICE: Don't accept his offer_** **)**

Kanako stared at the blonde's pale hand warily for a moment, before shaking her head.

"No. We're not friends," Kanako faltered for a moment, trying to find the right words.

 **( CHOICE: I don't know )**

 **(** ** _CHOICE: I hate you!_** **)**

"We're not friends, because I hate you," The older girl declared, bitterness creeping into her voice. "I hate you and that will never change."

Mariya sighed, letting his arm fall back to his side.

"Alright, whatever you say," He said, disappointment clear in his eyes.

The cerulean-eyed girl briefly wondered if she made the wrong choice, when she felt a stab to her chest, and everything faded away...

 **BAD END: I HATE YOU!**

* * *

"No. We're not friends," Kanako faltered for a moment, trying to find the right words.

 **(** ** _CHOICE: I don't know_** **)**

 **(CHOICE: I hate you! )**

"I-I'm not sure what we are, exactly," Kanako admitted. "B-but don't take that the wrong way!"

Mariya laughed, a smile stretching across his face as he spoke, "Oh? So how am I supposed to interpret it, huh?"

"Anything except for friendship!" Kanako exclaimed.

"Even if I say we're dating?" Mariya asked teasingly.

"I-I-I-I, no!" Kanako stuttered, a bright blush appearing on her face. "I'm not required to explain anything to you!"

The blonde smiled, before pressing a soft kiss to the taller girl's cheek. (Though he had to go on his toes to do so)

"ARGH! THE HIVES! I HATE YOU!" Kanako shrieked.

Mariya simply let out a small laugh, amused by his roommate's antics.

 _Good End: I-I'm not saying anything, okay!_

* * *

 **Yay for dating sims. It should be noted that in the sections where I don't call Kanako by her name, it's like on purpose, to show that it's not actually Kanako, it's the player character.**

 **Also, I just realized something. In the game, your choices are basically choosing between how Kanako would act and how a regular dating sim protagonist would act. A regular dating sim protag would try to pursue Mariya, but Mariya hates you when you try that.**

 **Basically, you pursue Mariya by _not_ pursuing Mariya. Or letting him pursue you. Whichever wording makes more sense.**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**

 **Addition: 24/08/2015**

 **I just realized that the formatting got weird when I edited it. There's supposed to be a small arrow thing to help you see which option was chosen to get a certain ending, but it got deleted by accident and won't come back.**

 **The choices chosen are the italics+bold, just in case it's not clear.**


	35. Closets

**I forgot the disclaimer again.**

Chapter ...: Kanako gets stuck in a closet.

Alternate Title: _Okay, it's more complicated than that_

* * *

"Miss Miyamae~. You really shouldn't yell so early in the morning~. Other people are sleeping, you know~." God sing-songed as she dragged the unconscious girl towards the closet. Mariya watched as his roommate was thrown into the depths with equal parts shock and amusement.

"Now then, Miss Shidou~. Expect to see your roommate soon~!" God declared cryptically as she left.

* * *

Kanako couldn't remember much.

She just knew something was wrong the moment she woke up.

Sunlight streamed in from the window, while the ticking of a clock filled her ears. Kanako shifted off the bed to find the room empty, the other bed neatly arranged and a note on her face.

Kanako removed the paper, reading it to herself as she got changed into her school uniform.

 _'Kanako_

 _It's way too hard to wake you up in the morning! I even hit you with my sword, and you didn't even react!_

 _I hope you aren't too late to class._

 _I'll see you later!_

 _-Ryuuken'_

"Ryuuken..." Kanako muttered to herself, trying to remember whose name that was.

Oh, right. Ryuuken Ishima. Her senior and roommate. Member of the kendo club. That Ryuuken.

Yawning, Kanako checked the clock to see how much time she had to grab breakfast-

Only to gasp and scream in shock when she saw that it was already noon.

Kanako ran outside her room, trying her damn best not to be late to her afternoon class.

* * *

"Kanako, are you alright?" Kiri asked mechanically, kind of like google translate, except she pronounced her words correctly. "You were absent for all of today's morning classes, as well as tardy for the afternoon classes. If you were too fatigued or ill to be punctual, then perhaps you should not have attended class today."

"Oh no, I would never be able to spend a day without you beautiful ladies!" Kanako declared with a smile.

"Thanks Kanako!" Sachi returned Kanako's smile with the force of the sun, while Yuzuru was also pleased with the compliment.

"So, what did I miss?" Kanako asked.

"Just some simple math work," Yuzuru replied.

"Yup! It's simple if you know how to do the Reverse Algebra Quantum Dive!" Sachi agreed, unsettling Kanako slightly.

"I don't even know what that _is_ ," Kanako answered.

"Well then, allow me to explain," Kiri ordered. She launched herself into a lengthy explanation of whatever a RAQD is (note: it is completely fake) which Kanako completely ignored in favour of staring at the brunette's skirt, desperately praying for a panty shot.

Kiri shifted her legs slightly, her short skirt riding up a bit because of the action. Even though she hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary, the slight movement was too much for Kanako, a stream of blood immediately shooting out from her nostrils. Kanako fell to the floor, blood pooling around her face.

"K-Kanako!" Sachi screamed in shock, standing up from her chair in concern, rushing towards the bleeding girl.

Kanako giggled a bit, looking up at Sachi. "C-could you move a bit closer?"

"Alright," Sachi agreed, stepping closer to the girl on the floor, though not close enough to step in the pool of blood.

"Great, now you're in the perfect position for me to see your panties!" Kanako declared with a smile.

The expressions on her friends' faces could only be described as equal parts disgust and shock.

* * *

The day after, Kanako was once again late. Ryuuken didn't even bother trying to wake her up in the mornings.

However, when Kanako entered the classroom, the other girls were acting strange.

Sachi and Yuzuru avoided her stare, preferring to look at the ceiling or the floor. Kiri was staring at her coldly. Honoka and her two friends gave the raven-haired girl a glare as she sat down.

 _'Somehow, I feel as if I'm not welcome here,'_ Kanako thought, when a paper airplane hit her in the head.

Kanako was all too used to being the class punching bag, so she ignored the paper as it fell to the ground, instead trying to focus on the lesson. More objects were thrown at her skull, and Kanako dismissed them.

Keeping her head down, Kanako held her tongue and her tears throughout the entire lesson.

* * *

The dorm room was empty once again. Ryuuken had kendo practice after school. Kanako didn't know why she expected someone to be there when she opened the door.

Kanako sat down on her bed, took her teddy bear in her arms and began to cry.

She had entered Ame-no-Kisaki hoping to escape her male bullies and find her true love, hoping that the women of the school would treat her kindly.

But now she knew. Women could be just as cruel as men. And the once-kind women of Ame-no-Kisaki had rejected her after learning of her sexuality, just like those at her old school. Everyone she thought of as her friend had turned her away in a single day.

Kanako held on to the plush toy tightly, her breathing becoming more steady as she stroked it's fabric.

Kanako couldn't remember much, but she knew that the bear was calming. Just holding it in her arms was enough to sooth her tears, because hugging it felt like receiving a hug from someone she knew would never reject her, never turn her away.

In some ways, it felt like receiving a hug from the one who gave her the bear, and though she would never admit it-

Kanako froze as she attempted to repeat what she had just thought to herself.

"The one who gave it to me?" Kanako asked, searching her memories.

The bear, it was, it was-

 _"I don't need it, so you can have it."_

-a gift. The bear was a gift.

"Ma-ri-ya Shi-dou?" Kanako said carefully, putting emphasis on each syllable, as if to remember every part of the name.

And in that moment, Kanako remembered. She remembered the blonde waking her up every morning, helping her with her school work, even teaching her how to control her perverted urges, and she sobbed, holding the bear to her chest tightly.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry Mariya!" Kanako exclaimed to the empty room. "You've done so much for me, even you're mean and rude and I acted like I hated you, and I'm so sorry!"

Kanako paused to inhale, before continuing to speak between sobs.

"I miss you..." Kanako muttered, tears running down her face in rivers.

And then God appeared.

Literally, she teleported right in front of her.

"Ah~ .So you finally admitted it~." The cat-eared girl sang to herself as she shoved the taller girl towards the closet. "I think that's punishment enough now~. You can go back now~."

Kanako fell through the portal, screaming as she held onto her stuffed bear tightly.

* * *

"What the hell?" Mariya asked as Kanako fell out of the closet, landing before his feet.

"Mariya!" Kanako exclaimed, jumping up from the floor, wrapping her arms around the blonde. "I missed you so much, thank you for existing, I love you but don't take that the wrong way, okay, but thank you for everything."

Mariya stared in shock at the taller girl, before he smirked and said smugly, "You can't even last five minutes without me, huh?"

To his surprise, Kanako answered, "Yeah, I can't! I need my roommate to help me out!"

"Who are you and what have you done with my idiotic roommate?!" Mariya demanded in shock, blush staining his cheeks.

"I'm Kanako and I've done absolutely nothing to myself, you sadistic demon!" Kanako replied with a smile, separating herself from the smaller blonde with a smile on her face and bear in her arms.

As the two began arguing once again, Kanako couldn't help but admit that she missed their arguments most of all.

( Mariya kept blushing and staring at the bear, but refused to elaborate. )

* * *

 **God literally sent her to a world where she never met Mariya. Yeah. God is _that_ powerful. **

**Anyways, this amazing idea was submitted by sonicfan2000. Sorry it took so long!**

 **I hope you enjoyed this update, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	36. Bears

***Insert disclaimer here***

Chapter %$#% : It's a bear.

Alternate Title: _Seriously, just name it after your teacher. They're both teddy bears anyways._

* * *

"Hmm..." Kanako hummed, staring at the stuffed toy in her hands.

"Eiffel Tower, what is it about that bear that could possibly require your attention for so long?" Matsurika asked as she vacuumed the carpet of the room.

"I'm trying to decide on a name for it," Kanako stated, ignoring the insult thrown at her so casually.

"Seriously?" Mariya asked in disbelief, shutting his phone as he sat up to look at his roommate. "Why would you want to name it?"

"Well, it's cute, and I don't want to keep calling it an 'it', you know?" Kanako explained, hugging the bear to her chest. "Feels more like a person if it's got a name."

"Miss Pig, surely you must be insane," Matsurika deadpanned. "It's a stuffed toy, not a person."

"I know, but..." Kanako trailed off, unsure of what to say. "Hm. I guess it's more like how things are cuter when you give them nicknames! Like how my sister's cute levels multiply by a million when you call her by her childhood nickname, Star-chan! Or how calling anything from children to animals things like 'Fluffles' and 'Doom Bot' makes them automatically adorable!"

"Those were two names that should have never been in the same sentence," Mariya replied with a bored expression on his face as he toyed with his phone charm.

"They never should have existed in the first place," The golden-eyed maid added.

"But you can't deny that a tiny puppy named 'Doom Bot' would be cute, right?" Kanako asked.

"It's the puppy that's cute, not the name," Mariya answered, causing Kanako to wail.

"Neither of you understand the charm of a cute name!" Kanako cried.

"Mariya is a fucking adorable name," Mariya retorted.

"Matsurika is an amazing name, perfectly suited for a high-class lady like myself," Matsurika added.

"Yeah, but neither of you chose your name, right?" Kanako asked, before gasping and excitedly adding, " Her name will be Ai!"

"Why?" Mariya inquired, successfully keeping his tone neutral and bored, but failing to hide the blush on his cheeks. Fortunately for him, Kanako didn't notice.

"Well, I entered this school looking for my true love, so why not name her after love?" Kanako's tone made it unclear whether her words were meant to be an explanation or a question.

 _'The pig doesn't seem to realize the implications of her naming a gift from Master Mariya after love. Poor Master Mariya,'_ Matsurika thought.

 _'DON'T YOU DARE PITY ME, JUST GET HER TO RENAME IT!'_ Mariya replied mentally.

 _'As you command, Master Mariya.'_

"Why not name the bear after a family member or friend?" Matsurika suggested. "Or perhaps as a tribute to your deceased mother?"

Kanako froze, sapphire blue eyes widening as they gazed at the silver-haired maid.

And then she smiled, shaking her head.

"If I used Ai as a tribute, then I'd have to leave her at Mom's grave," Kanako explained. "But I know exactly what she would say if I did that. She'd smile and say that I'm such a kind girl for wanting to give her a gift, but she would want me to keep it, so I could have something of my own to hold and hug, because even if I'm big, I still need lots of hugs."

 _'Th-that's the most adorable thing I've ever heard...'_ Mariya noted to himself.

"Plus I've already gotten used to calling her Ai, so there's no way I could change her name now," Kanako said, completely ruining the mood.

 _'I apologize Master Mariya, it appears I failed,'_ The golden-eyed maid curtsied as she returned to her task of cleaning the room, deciding not to care about the discussion anymore.

Mariya said nothing, only opening his phone and trying to hide his blush.

"W-wait, you're going to ignore me?!" Kanako screamed in shock. "There's no insults about the name or you telling me to name her Pig to match me or something!?"

"It's too bothersome to react to everything you do," Matsurika deadpanned.

"And I have to go back to my game," Mariya lied.

"Is it Love Live?" Kanako asked.

"Of course not dumbass. Not everyone is interested in the kind of games you play."

"Eh?! But Love Live is a great game!"

Matsurika rolled her eyes as the two kept bickering.

The two needed to confess soon, or else the young maid might lose her mind. And if she lost her mind, she would lose the aura of stoic badassness that made her so endearingly to the fans. If she wasn't loved by the fans, she would be demoted to a state even lower than a side-character! She would be equals with _Ryuuken_ , the sort of person who never appeared in stories except for cameos!

Matsurika shuddered at the thought.

(Later that day, when Kanako had fallen asleep, Mariya named his bear too. The little charm on his phone was now named Ako-chan.)

* * *

 **This idea was suggested by sonicfan2000.**

 **I actually struggled a lot with what to name Ai. Despite the fact that she's a teddy bear. I settled on Ai after the idea of Mariya being embarrassed by the name came up.**

 **It was actually easier to name Ako-chan. That's because it's a name that's linked to Kanako without being too obvious.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this update, and have a nice day/night/whatever! :D**


	37. Mariya no

**I don't own anything please don't shoot me.**

Chapter Gym: Mariya, you hypocrite.

Alternate Title: _Kanako is a bad influence_

* * *

Mariya Shidou had a bad habit.

Every sixth period, every school day, his gaze wouldn't be directed on the teacher or his work, but firmly fixated on the view just outside the first-year classroom window.

There were two reasons for this distraction.

First; the first-year classroom window had a good view of the track used for outdoor physical education.

Second; the sixth period was when the second-year class Kanako was in had gym.

At the beginning, the fixation on the window started out as a few stolen glances, just to make sure Kanako wasn't bleeding, just out of what may have been concern.

But as the days turned into weeks, Mariya found his eyes drawn to the scenery beyond the glass more often, until he was staring from the second Kanako's class started gym to the instant they ended.

He didn't know what was so captivating about watching dark-haired roommate exercise or talk to her friends, but he was alright with staring if he didn't get caught.

Of course, Mariya Shidou was a prodigy in the arts of deception and acting. Disguising the fact that he was staring was child's play.

The cross-dresser was never caught staring, but he kept the secret moments he stared at the cerulean-eyed girl in his heart as precious memories.

Not that he would ever say that out loud, of course.

* * *

 **Mariya, you pervert.**

 **Originally there was supposed to be a joke about him staring at Kanako's *ahem* bouncy bits, but I decided that it was better to leave it up to your imagination rather than outright stating he's staring at her boobs when she's exercising.**

 **Also, this chapter was the direct result of rereading chapter 19 and realizing that since Mariya and Kanako don't share classes, it wouldn't really make sense that Mariya would know how fast Kanako runs in gym class.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update! :D**


	38. I'm definitely in love

**Disclaimer.**

Chapter Tsundere #2! : In which Mariya is slightly less tsundere than his roommate.

Alternate Title: _You know something's wrong when_ Kanako _is the superior tsundere in this relationship_

* * *

Sometimes I wonder if you know what you do to me.

If you know how annoyed I get when you talk about the most recent pretty girl that caught your eye and do it anyways. Or if you know how my hearts pounds and my stomach flips when you smile and do it anyways because you're a bitch like that.

But that's impossible because you're an idiot.

I could literally try to list every single reason you're a dumbass, but I won't, because that would take too long.

I mean, how can you miss the fact that your roommate is fucking in love with you when you live with me?!

You know, it's dangerous to be that oblivious. Kidnappers and cruel people would snatch you up in an instant thanks to how stupid you are. Just look at chapter one for reference.

Well, I guess that doesn't count, since he followed you without your knowledge, but that's exactly why you got to be more knowledgeable about the world around you!

Your family doesn't need _two_ dead relatives to bury, you know.

And plus, I ... I would miss you.

Ha, if you heard me say that, you'd probably scream in shock and act like I literally can't be nice.

Yeah, I would miss you if you died. Not being able to argue with you or see you, or even just be in the same room as you, just the thought of it makes my heart ache.

I don't get it! How could an angel like me ache for a complete and utter dumbass? I can't even try to list your good traits, at all.

Okay, I guess it's cute when I have to explain concepts for you... And it's fun to mess with you and see how you would react...And you technically aren't half bad in looks, fuck, I-I mean, you don't-

-Shit.

(Mariya spent the next thirteen minutes with a large blush on his face as he held his phone to his chest.)

* * *

 **Yay, tsunderes! Did you spot the Ako-chan hug?**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	39. Kanako no

**I don't own Maria Holic, anyone in it or their boobs.**

Chapter Wow: THE TABLES HAVE BEEN TURNED

Alternate Title: _Despite the cross-dressing, Mariya is an innocent little flower who rooms with the world's biggest pervert_

* * *

When they had first began rooming together, Kanako absolutely refused to change in front of the blonde, even hiding under her blankets and risking being late to the orientation in order to preserve her modesty.

Mariya honestly began to miss those days, because if Kanako still had that level of unwillingness to undress in front of him, he wouldn't have to avert his eyes during their usual arguments because his roommate was partially undressed or bury his face in a pillow whenever Kanako decided to change into her pyjamas.

Because somewhere along the ride, Kanako decided 'fuck it' and completely discarded whatever reluctance she had about stripping in front of Mariya, and the blonde had trouble taking his eyes off her.

Really, for someone who was called fat on a daily basis (though since it's mostly Matsurika, it kind of doesn't count) most of the 'fat' seemed to have gone to her chest... And Mariya knew, from the few sights he remembered before shoving his face into the nearest pillow, that Kanako tended to freckle in places one wouldn't expect, with small gatherings of dots on her shoulders, back and arms, mostly in areas exposed when wearing the school's swimsuit.

Mariya had the distinct feeling she knew how embarrassing it was to have your crush strip in front of you and inflicted said feeling on Mariya on _purpose_ , but disregarded it, since Kanako was too oblivious to even consider the possibility of Mariya ever considering her anything more than a chew toy.

Mariya refused to imagine the possibilities of what could happen should he reveal his feelings for the older girl. The best possible scenario was Kanako brushing it off as a joke.

The worst? Well, let's hope that Mariya had enough power to negate a request to switch roommates...

* * *

Kanako smiled as she saw Mariya bury his face in the pillow.

She finally had an advantage over him! To think that the naked female body could bring delight to her and fear to her enemies!

Kanako had discovered a sure-fire way to get Mariya to stop torturing her. Simply take off your shirt and you've done it!

But she knew that this advantage wouldn't last long. Kanako knew that Mariya would eventually grow immune to her stripping as a distraction.

She had to bring it up a notch before then.

"Mariya~," Kanako called out, drawing out the 'a' sound as she stepped closer to the blushing boy. She bent over him, bringing her face close to his hair, and more importantly, her breasts right in front of his face. "Are you okay? You seem kind of red."

"It's your fault for undressing right in front of me! I don't want to see that!" Mariya yelled, bringing his face up from the pillow-

-Only to see Kanako. Shirtless.

"PUT ON A SHIRT!" Mariya ordered, tossing his pillow at the laughing girl, covering his cheeks with his hands.

Kanako followed his orders, unable to suppress her giggling. She was enjoying teasing Mariya for a change, instead of being the one teased.

In a way, Mariya was right, Kanako _was_ doing it on purpose, but only for her own amusement, not because she knew of his feelings.

If the blonde knew of this information, he would have wondered which situation was worse.

(A few days later, Kanako hugged Mariya, shoving his face in between her boobs. She was growing immune to Mariya giving her hives, but that meant that Mariya had to grow immune to _her_.)

* * *

 **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD DID I REALLY JUST WRITE THAT.**

 **I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WROTE THAT.**

 **HAVE A NICE DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER, AND SEE YOU NEXT UPDATE! :D**


	40. Magical Girl and Boy

**I do not own Maria Holic, bandages or magical girls.**

Chapter of Magic: In which Kanako is not allowed to fight monsters

Alternate Title: _Forget Cure Blossom, Kanako is the Weakest-Magical-Girl in history_

* * *

Kanako huffed as she sat on the sidelines, not allowed to join in on the fight between her roommate and the monster rampaging around the park.

She could fight! Kind of! It was true that her punches were weak and her kicks had a tendency to miss and her magical abilities were laughable at best, but she could still fight!

...no, she couldn't. Kanako could see why Mariya- no, Mage of Love, didn't want her to fight. The blue-eyed girl was a pathetic excuse for a Warrior of Justice, completely useless in a skirmish.

Kanako didn't even know why she was chosen as a magical girl anyways. If she couldn't fight, what was the point? She might as well turn in the magical brooch for an apron and try for a job at the nearest coffee shop.

The Warrior of Justice turned her eyes back to the fight, where Mariya, dressed in his magical girl gear (even if he was a boy) and burning the wolf-like creature with a stream of fire.

Of course. That was the expected result.

Mariya was strong. He could fend off monsters with his physical attacks and blast them to bits with his magic. He was the fighter that Kanako was not.

Kanako was about to half-heartedly congratulate the boy when she saw a portal of darkness open behind him. A gigantic avian beast, towering over the small blonde easily, and dived down, preparing to gulp down on the boy.

Kanako got there first, moving faster than she remembered ever being able to, throwing herself and the blonde out of danger.

Mariya laid down on the ground, dazed for a moment as the bird-like monster flew towards Kanako, slashing at her with its' claws. Kanako shielded her face with her arms, the creature easily cutting through her skin like paper, drops of blood hitting the ground.

It was then that Mariya snapped back to reality, pushing Kanako out of the way as he summoned every ounce of magical energy he had and threw it at the beast, lightning and fire and ice and the power of love itself striking the behemoth bird, killing it easily.

With the creature dead, he turned to Kanako, who was staring up at him with shock in her eyes.

"This is why you're not allowed to fight!" Mariya reprimanded the older girl angrily. "If you throw yourself into the battle like that, you're going to get hurt!"

"It's better than letting you die!" Kanako retorted, shock becoming anger as her Warrior of Justice dress melted back into the clothes she had been wearing beforehand.

"You're not sacrificing your life for me, idiot!" Mariya shot back, before pulling Kanako to her feet, ignoring her protests and cries of pain. "Now come on, I'm going to bandage your arm, and you won't be fighting next battle."

"You never let me fight!" Kanako protested, though she allowed herself to be pulled along by the diminutive boy.

"Because you can't," Mariya said bluntly, a blush on his cheeks as he chose his next words. "And besides, what kind of Mage of Love would I be if I didn't protect the one I love?"

"Just because I'm bad at fighting doesn't mean I can't help!" Kanako declared, completely ignoring the love confession from Mariya.

Mariya was tempted to punch her. The blonde would have had he not sworn an oath to himself that he wouldn't allow any harm to come to her.

Though, he had already failed, given the blood dripping off her arm in rivers. Mariya swore as he felt the drops of blood drip onto his own hand, increasing his pace to try to reach the dorms quicker.

Kanako yelped as the hand gripping her wrist pulled her along, slightly stinging at her wounds.

"Uh, Mariya, you don't have to run, you know," Kanako said awkwardly. "I mean, we can just walk."

"Shut up."

Kanako stayed silent until Mariya shoved the door to their room open, pushing her inside as he rushed towards the washroom. Kanako barely had enough time to force out an "ouch" before Mariya emerged from the other room, a first aid kit in his hands.

"Mariya, I can clean it up myself," Kanako protested futilely as the golden-haired boy began wiping off the blood with a moist paper towel.

"I'm not letting you do anything else that stupid until our wedding," Mariya replied, his ruby red eyes focused on his task.

"Mariya, I'm not going to die if I bandage my own arm," Kanako completely ignored the romantic statement from Mariya once again.

"Shut up or I'm going to set your bed on fire," Mariya commanded, pulling the gauze out of the kit.

Kanako stopped speaking, she knew the boy wasn't bluffing.

The raven-haired girl stayed silent as he gingerly wrapped a bandage around both her arms, one for each arm.

When he had finished his task, Mariya offered her a shy glance and said, "Tell me if I need to wrap it again. And make sure you be careful."

"I'll be fine!" Kanako promised with a smile.

"Good," Mariya began smiling as well, though to the untrained eye it looked more like a smirk.

"I love you," Mariya confessed, though Kanako looked at him like she was confused.

"Huh? Did you just say something?" She asked, furrowing her brows in agitation.

"No, I didn't," Mariya waved it off, smile falling off his face.

He had no idea when the curse on Warrior of Justice would end and when Kanako's fighting competence would return, but Mariya wasn't sure if he wanted it to anyway.

He liked protecting Kanako, instead of Kanako protecting him, and he wasn't sure if he would be able to confess his feelings so easily if he didn't know that the older girl wouldn't be able to hear him.

Until the curse ended, there was no way to tell.

* * *

 **Even Kanako couldn't be that oblivious!**

 **To clarify, the curse cast on Kanako severely limits her fighting abilities, as well as prevents her from hearing anything that can be interpreted as romantic towards her.**

 **And if you think that something like that is awfully specific and odd for a curse, well, magical girls (+boy) usually get their power from love, right? For example, if Kanako received a love confession, it would boost her powers in a fight, because she's receiving love power from the person. So preventing them from hearing/receiving love power would actually severely cripple them in a fight. So it's like a double attack against Kanako's fighting abilities.**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	41. Poor Mariya

**I'm too tired to write a disclaimer.**

Chapter of chapters: Sleepy...Zzz

Alternate Title: _Never confess to someone when you think they're asleep, it never ends well._

* * *

Kanako smiled as she buried her face in her pillow, a soft sigh leaving her lips as she lay in her bed, content.

Sleep was wonderful. No one should ever have to go through the pain of waking up, ever.

A warm hand gently petted her hair, and Kanako enjoyed how warm it's touch felt against her head.

"...stupid fucking dumbass."

Her ears began allowing the words to bounce around her skull, slightly awakening her brain. Kanako frowned as she felt awareness return to her body. She didn't want to wake up yet!

The warm hand continued to stroke her hair softly, allowing the raven-haired girl to relax, letting the words bouncing around her skull fade into nothingness.

"Goddammit."

Kanako startled a bit at the sudden noise, only to be soothed by the hand petting her again, slightly harder and slightly faster, but still calming.

"I love you Kanako, even if you're an idiot."

The warm hand stopped stroking her, the happiness and the affection Kanako got from its' touch fading away with it. Whining as she reached out to get it back, Kanako was alarmed to feel something that felt a lot like a pair of lips against her fingers.

In her sleepy state, Kanako ignored the alarm in favour of grasping onto the source of the warm feeling tightly, her fingers bunching in what seemed to be fabric as she pulled it back towards her, not letting go until the source was right next to her. She sighed contently as she wrapped her arms around the warm thing, drifting back to sleep.

* * *

Mariya Shidou could not sleep. He couldn't even relax.

Not when _Kanako fucking Miyamae_ was using her as her personal teddy bear.

He had already tried squirming out of her grip, but he couldn't get far without Kanako using her sudden bout of super strength on him or almost waking her up.

Mariya groaned as he buried his reddened face in his hands, trying to find a way out of the situation.

Kanako wouldn't let him get away if he tried to escape slowly, but if he tried to use more forceful options, then Kanako would wake up and it would be hard to explain. But if he stayed, then Kanako would wake up in the morning and find him in her bed and freak out.

It was an unwinnable situation, where every single outcome would end negatively for the blonde. Unless he could find a way to pry himself from Kanako's grip without waking her up, which seemed pretty impossible, given her strength.

Mariya sighed as he gave up, shuffling closer to his roommate. Kanako was warm next to him, a pleasant sensation coming over his senses as Kanako tightened her grip on him.

Slowly, almost timidly, the blonde reached up to wrap an arm around the taller girl, pausing when his hand collided with a plush toy. The bear he had given Kanako, the same one she named after love...

Mariya's blush returned as he tossed the plush toy away from him, wrapping his arm around Kanako.

 _'Fuck off Ai, I'm Kanako's teddy bear for tonight,'_ Mariya thought as he smiled, deciding to ignore the consequences and fall asleep.

(In the morning, Mariya got up before Kanako, and slipped out of her arms before she woke up. Kanako had no idea what had occurred during the night, except for the fact that she had a great dream. Mariya blushed and told her to shut up when told this information. Kanako was extremely confused.)

* * *

 **Can you tell I'm having fun torturing Mariya these past few chapters?**

 **Anyways, I can't believe I wrote a sentence about Mariya telling a teddy bear to fuck off, but hey! It was fun.**

 **I hope you enjoyed the update, have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update! :D**


	42. Maid

**No.**

Chapter Call Back: Kanako is a maid, cute stuff happens

Alternate Title: _Remember when there was a chapter about alternate universes and I said I would come back to them later? Later is now._

* * *

 _"Master Shizu, this is really dangerous..." Kanako protested as her master clambered up the tree._

 _"You act like I'm actually going to get hurt," The blonde scoffed as he pulled himself on top of a higher branch. "Plus, Grandmother loves these apples, so it might help."_

 _"Master Shizu, did you ever consider getting the ones from the kitchen?"_

 _"But it's not the same. Those are red apples, not the green ones Grandmother likes," Shizu retorted as he reached towards an apple, leaning on the tree trunk and standing on his tiptoes to help improve his reach._

 _"Then just ask your mother to buy the green ones the next time your mother goes to buy groceries," Kanako suggested, eyeing the branch Shizu was standing on in concern._

 _"No!" Shizu yelled back, turning away from the tree to face Kanako. "If I do that, then it'll be a gift from Mom, not from me! And I just want to be able to do something for her-"_

 _The red-eyed boy slipped and fell from the tree, tumbling through the air with a yell._

 _The maid gasped as he fell, before running towards the area she thought he would land and holding out her arms._

 _"Ouch!" Kanako exclaimed as she caught her young master. "You're heavy!"_

 _"Is that really the first thing you say after you saved someone?!" Shizu asked in incredulity as he slipped out of Kanako's arms to stand on the ground._

 _"But it hurts," Kanako whined, rubbing her arms. "And I told you that it was a bad idea!"_

 _"Because you distracted me!" Shizu protested._

 _Kanako sighed, rolling her eyes._

 _"Whatever you say, Master Shizu."_

 _"Are you giving me sass?!"_

 _"Of course not, Master Shizu."_

* * *

 _"You fold it here and here," Kanako instructed, folding the paper herself to provide a visual demonstration for the young blonde._

 _Shizu nodded, then took a piece of paper, trying to make his own origami flower. Kanako worked silently next to him, making her own flowers with the colourful pieces of paper Shizu's mother had allowed them to use._

 _When the stack of paper flowers became more of a pile, Shizu nodded at Kanako, signalling that it was enough. The two children grabbed as many flowers as they could, careful not to bend or damage any, carrying them in their arms towards Miss Irene's room._

 _Kanako opened the door carefully, not making a sound as the interior revealed itself to the children._

 _Miss Irene was sleeping in her bed, as usual. Containers of various medication littered the room, some spilled on the floor, some stacked on the dresser. Wordlessly, Kanako placed the flowers on the bed, gathering the medicine bottles and organizing them, as Shizu began to decorate the room with the paper blossoms. When Kanako had finished organizing the bottles on the dresser, she helped Shizu place flowers everywhere, placing a flower on top of each bottle, scattering the paper on top of the dressers, until the once plain room was a kaleidoscope of colour._

 _When Miss Irene woke up, she smiled and thanked the children, though there were tears in her eyes._

 _It was on that day that Kanako and Shizu learned the meaning of 'tears of joy'._

* * *

 _Shizu didn't move after the funeral was over. He sat in front of the gravestone, not budging an inch even hours after the ceremony had ended._

 _His parents were beginning to become concerned for their son, but Kanako assured them she could take care of him. They watched with doubt and anticipation as Kanako dragged a blanket, a futon, and a container of food with her when she approached the blonde._

 _The maid placed the blanket over her master's shoulders, set up the futon next to him and sat on it, setting the container next to her._

 _The blonde's parents stared in shock as she began eating bites from it. They didn't see how it was helping at all._

 _Kanako closed the container, wiping the crumbs from her face as she stepped towards the mourning boy. She hugged him, a gentle smile on her face as she crouched to wrap her arms around him._

 _"It's going to hurt, it's going to feel empty and painful for a long time, and for a long time after that, you'll think you're okay, but you'll break down crying whenever something reminds you of her. And you're going to think that she's just hiding, that she'll pop out of nowhere and laugh about her great prank, but she won't. Miss Irene is gone, and she'll stay gone. It's going to hurt a lot, and it'll take a long time until you feel okay, but I'll be with you, and I'll help you the entire way," Kanako declared, resting her chin on Shizu's shoulder._

 _The younger boy began to cry in her arms._

 _"I miss her," Shizu sobbed._

 _"I know."_

 _"I want her back."_

 _"She won't, and that's the worst thing," Kanako said with a sorrowful smile. "You won't be able to talk to her or see her ever again, and the only thing you have left are memories and mementos, but memories fade."_

 _"Grandmother..." Shizu cried._

 _"It's going to hurt. But over time, the pain will fade," Kanako promised. "Trust me."_

 _Wiping the tears from his scarlet eyes, Shizu stared at his maid for a moment, before saying, "I do."_

 _The two children stayed in the embrace for a while, neither knowing if it took hours or minutes for Shizu's cries to fade._

 _Kanako lifted her master onto the futon, offering the remains of the food in the container to him._

 _Shizu's parents sighed in relief when Shizu began eating and talking to the maid normally. Kanako was right after all._

* * *

"Kanako, my corset is too damn tight!" Mariya complained, scratching at his back insistently.

"Apologies, Mistress Mariya, I will remedy this right away," Kanako removed the dress from her master, pulling at the threads of the corset until the blonde breathed out a sigh of relief.

"That's better," Mariya smiled. "Class would be hell if I was suffocating the entire time."

"More likely that your classroom would be the site of your death, if that was the case," Kanako replied.

"If I died, you would be the number one suspect, since you're the one who did the corset in the first place."

"It could be considered accidental, if you factor in my incompetence in the art of corset tying."

"True," Mariya agreed, pulling his dress back on again.

"Mistress Mariya, are you ready for your first day at Ame-no-Kisaki?" Kanako asked as she headed towards the door.

"Of course I am," Mariya affirmed, head held high as he stepped outside his room, Kanako following behind, maid outfit and all.

* * *

 **I would like to think that in this AU, Kanako doesn't have her fear of men because Shizu/Mariya (M) was always protecting her from bullies in school.**

 **And I don't know if this is cute. Is it cute?**

 **And yes, I'm planning on doing the rest, after I complete a request from sonicfan2000.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	43. Moms are scary

**Roses are red,** **Violets are blue, Maria holic doesn't belong to me or to you**

Chapter blue: Wait, what do you mean 'Kicked out of school'?

Alternate Title: _They fucked up._

* * *

"Mariya, Shizu, I am very disappointed in the two of you," Their mother looked at the twins sternly, tapping her nails against the armrest of her chair as she spoke.

Before her, Mariya and Shizu stood, Shizu was nervous, Mariya was bored.

"I know that it was included in mother's will, but your father and I simply cannot allow you two to sneak behind our backs and switch schools anyways!"

"Mom, we're just trying to follow grandmother's last request," Mariya replied, rolling his eyes.

"But I simply cannot have you continue this behaviour. Shizu, you will attend Mori-no-Mihoshi, and Mariya will attend Ame-no-Kisaki," The woman ordered.

The twins' reaction was immediate and synchronized.

"No!" They shouted together, Shizu looking bashful after she yelled and Mariya looking defiant.

"I-I mean, I made a lot of friends at Mori-no-Mihoshi, so I-I don't really want to leave..." Shizu stammered, her courage and volume fading with each word that left her mouth.

"My roommate would be hopeless without me," Mariya added.

"Ah, yes, your roommate, Kanako Miyamae, correct?" Mrs. Shidou's face stretched into a horrifying smirk, one a million times more evil than Mariya's own. "You know, should the two of you be discovered, she would be punished as well for covering up something like this. I'm _sure_ you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"

As quickly as a coin flip, Mrs. Shidou smiled sweetly, like nothing had happened.

"Of course, I'm not merciless. Perhaps if you kiss my feet, I'll allow Miss Miyamae to get off scot-free."

The twins stared at their mother in horror, before slowly agreeing to call off the competition.

* * *

"Ah, Mariya-mon, you're leaving?" Kanako asked.

"Yeah, I have to. Don't die while I'm gone," Mariya answered as he strode towards the door.

 _'Does that mean he's coming back? Wait, no Kanako, focus on the good thing! Mariya is gone! For an unknown amount of time!'_ Kanako cheered mentally as she turned back to her homework, her cheer immediately fading away as she realized she had no idea what she was doing.

Damn homework. Ruining Kanako's good mood like that.

* * *

"Kana, please wake up," A soft melodious voice called out, rousing Kanako from her slumber.

"G-good morning, Mariya...?" Kanako's voice fell when saying the name of her former roommate, because she knew that Mariya would _never_ wake her up as gently as that.

"Shizu?!" Kanako screamed in shocked joy, throwing herself at the blonde girl.

"W-wah!" The ruby-eyed first-year cried out as Kanako wrapped her arms around her, before laughing. "I'm glad to see you too!"

"We'll have so much fun together!" Kanako declared.

"Yes, but first you need to get dressed for class," Shizu reminded the older girl.

"Right!"

* * *

Kanako enjoyed having Shizu as a roommate, she really did.

She was kind and gentle where Mariya was cruel and rude. Shizu helped her and spent time with her with no strings attached, whereas with Mariya, Kanako always had to look out for some kind of trap meant to affect her sanity.

But therein lied the problem.

Kanako _couldn't stop_ comparing Shizu to her brother, and kept feeling strange when she found that Shizu didn't act like him at all.

She eyed Shizu with suspicion whenever she offered to spend time together, remembering the event where Mariya did the same thing, only to distract her from her studies. Kanako felt fear build in her chest whenever the other girl got too close, only to remind herself that Shizu wouldn't give her hives. The older girl had to remind herself that Shizu was not her brother and wouldn't do anything cruel to her.

Kanako dismissed the feeling, assuming that it was simply a matter of getting used to Shizu and her adorableness and talking to her again.

Smiling, Kanako pushed open the door to her room, calling out, "I'm back Shizu!"

"Oh, you're here."

"M-M-MARIYA?!" Kanako screamed.

"Welcome back, Kanako. Did you miss me?" Mariya asked the last question with a sugary sweet smile and his higher tone of voice.

"Wh-why?" Kanako forced out, unable to say anything more than a single word.

"My parents are on an overseas trip, so they can't force me and Shizu to switch," Mariya explained, before a smirk appeared on his face. "Aren't you _glad_? That means I'm back for _good_ , and I'm never leaving _again."_

The smile fell off Kanako's face, seconds before an ear-piercing screech nearly destroyed the windows of Girls' Dorm Two.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by sonicfac2000. Yay for their ideas, they're all amazing.**

 **I was torn between making Mariya and Shizu's mom a stern parent or making her an older Mariya. You can tell which one I chose. Like mother, like son, I suppose.**

 **Anyways, I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	44. OVERPROTECTIVE BOYFRIEND ALERT

**I don't own anything or anyone or anywhere.**

Chapter Butler: Yay for OCs!

Alternate Title: _You might as well just call this chapter 'overprotective butler boyfriend Shizu' and be done with it._

* * *

The boy stared down the two with a look of distrust on his face.

"You two smell of lies. What are you hiding?" He asked.

"Absolutely nothing," Shizu snapped, hands balling into fists as he stepped in front of Kanako, as if to protect her.

"Ugh, can you two please calm down? I'm pretty sure it's nothing serious, so, um, please don't murder each other?" Kanako asked, deepening her voice to give the impression she was a boy.

"Master Kanako, please, do not try to interfere. I will dispose of this nuisance immediately."

"My nose never lies!" The other boy declared. "And it's telling me that you two are filthy liars. Now 'fess up."

"We have no obligation to tell you anything," Shizu glared.

Kanako had the sudden urge to grab Shizu and run before he jumped the other boy, but she knew that the other student would just give chase, running after them like a mad Doberman, following their scents like a trail leading directly to them. No, the only thing she could do was watch the inevitable confrontation-

The boy grabbed her arm, forcing the girl to look him in the eyes.

Before he could speak, both Kanako and Shizu had punched him in the face, Kanako in panic and Shizu in anger. This caused him to relinquish his grip on Kanako and knocked him to the ground.

"Run!" Kanako ordered, grabbing Shizu's wrist and fleeing from the dazed student.

Kanako was beginning to hate going to school at Mori-no-Mihoshi, and beginning to hate cross-dressing as a boy even more.

* * *

Kanako gulped as she made her way onstage, a paper in her hand as she stepped towards the podium.

She could see the student that she and Shizu had hit glaring at her from the seats, unnerving her even more.

"St-students of Mori-no-Mihoshi..." Kanako stammered, nervousness rendering her eyes watery.

The students noticed her hesitation, beginning to whisper amongst themselves.

"He's so nervous, it's painful to watch."

"This is the representative of the first-years? They should have picked someone with more guts."

"Can we get this over with already?"

"Kanako, _breathe_ ," Shizu hissed from behind her, distracting the girl from the negative comments.

Kanako followed his advice, inhaling and exhaling deeply. A dazzling smile made its' way on her face, stunning the student body as Kanako's natural charisma emerged from the depths of her soul.

"I'm so sorry!" Kanako laughed. "I-I'm just so nervous about standing in front of you all and making a speech so boring that it'll send you straight to sleep. I'd rather not bore you any longer than I have to, so I'll just shorten the speech a bit, alright?"

Kanako cleared her throat, before beginning her speech.

"Students of Mori-no-Mihoshi!" Kanako announced. "Today marks the day our new students enter this school! Let's hope that we will be welcomed with open arms. I hope that each and every one of us here will graduate in a few years with minimal injuries!"

The student body laughed at the joke, applause echoing throughout the auditorium as the cross-dresser and butler left the stage.

"KANAKO! THAT WAS AN AMAZING SPEECH!" A voice called out, causing both Kanako and Shizu to freeze in shock. "IT'S ME, **[CENSORED]**!"

 _'That censor can only mean one thing!'_ Shizu realized.

 _'It's the creep from chapter 19! And he's even creepier now!'_ Kanako gasped as a very large, very schoolboy-shaped flying object flew directly towards her.

Before the unidentified flying object could crash into Kanako, Shizu stepped in between them, punching the strange UFO away from his mistress.

"Ouch," The boy huffed as he hit the ground, before smiling up at the duo. "It's been a long time, Kanako!"

"Yeah, it has," The raven-haired girl agreed, ignoring the ominous atmosphere pouring off Shizu. "I'm sorry Shizu hit you, he's just really protective of me."

"It's a butler's duty to protect his master above all else," Shizu said with a bow.

"Yeah, I can see how suddenly jumping at you would look bad," The former UFO admitted. "But It's great to see you again!"

He paused before he asked, "So what are you doing here anyways? Shouldn't you be at Ame-no-Kisaki since that's the girls' school?"

 _'Shit, what do I say, what do I say,'_ Kanako panicked, before remembering to breathe.

"Actually, I'm going to be attending Mori-no-Mihoshi. As a boy," Kanako stated, averting her gaze from the boy, looking towards Shizu for help.

"Master Kanako hasn't had his surgery yet, but for all intents and purposes, he is still a boy and still in the closet, so we are looking to you to help disguise this fact," Shizu lied, causing Kanako to gasp and look at him in shock.

 _'Just play along,'_ Shizu nodded at the taller girl.

"I-I can trust you, right, **[CENSORED]**?" Kanako asked, directing her gaze at her feet, fidgeting slightly. She played the nervous schoolboy part with ease, even if she didn't realize it.

"Y-yeah, of course you can. Yeah! I won't tell anyone! It'll be our secret!" The boy declared.

"It won't be a secret any longer if you keep yelling like that," Shizu deadpanned.

"Oh, sorry," **[CENSORED]** looked ashamed of himself, before speaking again, in a quieter tone. "Um, Kanako, could I speak to you? Alone?"

 _'He's a super creep, don't do it,'_ Shizu instructed.

 _'It'll look weird if I don't agree!'_ Kanako protested.

 _'At least let me come along.'_

 _'Fine.'_

"U-Um, okay then, lead the way, **[CENSORED]**!" Kanako said with a nervous smile.

The trio barely walked two steps before the boy stopped, looking at Shizu with a glare.

" _Without_ your butler," The boy specified.

Shizu looked back at the boy with distrust, before turning to Kanako. Kanako nodded at him, and the blonde stepped back politely, signalling his departure with a, "Call for me if you must."

Slightly more nervous, Kanako followed the censor boy into an abandoned classroom.

"Kanako Miyamae, I'm in love with you! I'm been in love with you ever since we were in middle school together!" The nameless boy declared. "I don't even care that you're a boy now, just please go out with me!"

"What," Kanako said flatly, staring in shock at the boy with determination in his eyes.

"I knew I shouldn't have left you two alone," Shizu stated with annoyance from the doorway. Kanako and the censor boy stared at him in shock as he walked towards them, wrapping his arms around Kanako.

"You know, there was something else we didn't tell you either," Shizu said with a smirk. "Master Kanako is already taken, I'm afraid. If you want to date my _boyfriend_ , you'll have to get through me first."

"Sh-Shizu!" Kanako protested, squirming between his arms.

 _'If you don't play along, he's going to try to pull something like this again.'_

 _'Oh, it's a lie! Good thinking Shizu!'_ Kanako inwardly smiled as did her best to appear like a blushing uke as she faced the butler, proud and thankful for his genius.

"Not here, there's someone else in the room!" She pretended to protest.

"O-oh, so you're already dating someone," The boy deflated as he spoke. "I-is it fine then if we stay friends?"

"Of course!" Kanako affirmed with a smile.

"Don't even try to steal Master Kanako away," Shizu declared with a glare.

"I-I wouldn't even dream of it!" The boy stammered, utterly terrified of the butler.

"Good."

"Hey, Shizu, could you lead me to the dorms, please?" Kanako asked, trying to find a way out of the situation now that the censor boy believed their lie. "I still need to unpack my stuff."

"Of course, Master Kanako," Shizu bowed down and led Kanako out of the room, leaving the dazed and slightly confused boy alone in the classroom.

(When they got to the dorms, they found the guy they had punched. When Kanako told him that the secret they didn't tell him was that they were dating, he sniffed them and said they didn't smell like liars. He promised not to tell anyone. Kanako was relieved his nose was tricked, just that one time, while Shizu blushed as red as his eyes.)

* * *

 **I can't believe that I just wrote that.**

 **But then again, it would be hard to explain to someone who knew you as a girl for all those years why you're at an all-boys school. The reason is either cross-dresser or transgender, but since Kanako can't say the former, they have to pretend it's the latter.**

 **Also, I have to admit, making these OCs was fun. Smell-boy and Censor-guy might show up in the next AU chapter.**

 **(Shizu (M) is the most overprotective boyfriend ever don't even fucking lie.)**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	45. AU 3

**No.**

Chapter Red: Shizu, quit messing with your future wife.

Alternate Title _: Cross-dressing is dangerous when your name starts with a 'k' and ends with an 'o'_

* * *

"Kanako Miyamae, stand up and strip!" The boy commanded.

"I-I-I can't!" Kanako protested.

"You know, that might have been too harsh for a dare," **[CENSORED]** noted.

"P-p-plus I-I didn't even choose dare!" Kanako agreed.

"You have to be prepared for anything in a game of truth or dare," Shizu retorted. "So stand up and strip."

 _'Shizu is too scary to refuse! But if I do it, I'll get discovered!'_ Kanako paused in her wailing as she realized something. _'But if I get discovered, I'll get expelled! And if I get expelled, I won't ever have to deal with Shizu or any of these guys ever again!'_

Gulping as she slipped off her vest, the censor boy covered Shizu's eyes, asking Kanako, "Uh, Kanako, you don't actually have to do it."

 _'And there goes_ _ **[CENSORED]**_ _, trying to protect me again. He's been like that ever since I tricked him into thinking I'm a boy,'_ Kanako sighed as she tried to think up an excuse.

"If I don't do it now, Shizu will make me do it later, when we get back to our room, so it's better to do it now," Kanako said quickly as she began to unbutton her shirt.

" _What-_ " Censor boy's reaction was cut off by Shizu speaking.

"Can you get your filthy hands off of me, _commoner_?" Shizu hissed, causing the other boy to flinch and remove his hands from Shizu's face.

"Sorry, sorry," The censor boy apologized as he shuffled away from the blonde.

"Ah, I'm getting embarrassed..." Kanako murmured, fiddling with the third button with a bright red face. "I can't actually bring myself to do this..."

 _'But for the sake of getting expelled, I have to finish the job!'_ Kanako summoned all her determination and began to continue her task of unbuttoning her shirt-

Only to gasp as he found Shizu's hands already there.

"Sh-Sh-Shizu?!" Kanako shrieked in horror, already feeling the itchiness and bumps spreading across her skin.

"If you're going to chicken out, I've got no choice but to finish the job for you," The blonde declared, a smirk on his face.

"Kanako never agreed to the dare though."

"Shut up, censor-boy!" Shizu snapped.

"Argh! You pervert, I'll do it myself!" Kanako snapped as she undid her own buttons.

"I don't want to hear you call me a pervert when you're the one who hides porn under your bed," Shizu retorted.

"You looked under my bed?!" Kanako declared in shock.

"Of course not!" Shizu yelled back. "You did such a bad job of hiding them that even a blind man would be able to find them!"

"Stop trying to steal my porn, you pervert!"

"Do you not see the contradiction in that statement?!"

Censor boy stared in befuddlement as the two argued, wondering if either of them realized that the UST was completely obvious to any bystanders.

* * *

 **This chapter is somehow even more perverted than the official fanservice chapter, and Kanako was actually naked in that one.**

 **Also, UST stands for 'unresolved sexual tension', just so you know.**

 **I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, and have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	46. The tables are turning so much

**Nope.**

Chapter REVENGE BITCH: In which the tables are turned again.

Alternate Title: _Mariya called. He wants to be the one teasing instead of the one being teased. Also, he's flirting with you._

* * *

"How do you like my new outfit?" Mariya asked, a smile on his face as Kanako babbled incoherently with blood dripping out of her nose.

 _'Good, I still haven't lost my touch. Kanako might have been able to get a few points in the last few chapters, but I'm still winning,'_ Mariya smirked as he smoothed out his skirt. His ridiculously short skirt.

"Alright Kanako, I'm going to go bathe now. You're welcome to join if you want," Mariya purred flirtatiously, his sense of satisfaction multiplying when he saw that Kanako's nosebleed returned with twice the force at the suggestion of bathing with a (in her mind) cute girl.

"Quit it!" Kanako retorted as she wiped the blood from her nose. "If you don't stop, then I'm going to die of blood loss!"

"But you're so cute, I just can't resist!" The blonde answered, not even bothering to use his falsetto.

 _'He's doing it to mess with me!'_ Kanako reminded herself as she forced her face into a glare so she could have a proper argument with her roommate.

Kanako had no way of knowing that Mariya had been honest the entire time.

* * *

 **The only reason this chapter is so short is because I would have died of laughter if I kept writing.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	47. Misunderstandings

**Do not own. Very sad.**

Chapter ^v^: TFW you're on a field trip but then you stuck with a roommate you hate

Alternate Title: _Poor Shizu_

* * *

Kanako groaned as she slammed her head into her jewel-studded desk in despair.

"Kanako, are you okay?" Sachi asked, her bright blue eyes filled with concern.

"Well, I'm actually just nervous about the field trip," Kanako admitted.

"It's alright to be scared of sleeping somewhere new," Yuzuru said in consolation.

"No, no, that's not what I'm worried about," Kanako waved off their concerns with a smile. "It's just that, since we're sharing the hotel with the boys' school, I'm just worried. I have this skin condition that makes me break out into hives whenever a guy touches me, so I don't want to room with anyone from Mori-no-Mihoshi."

"You know, that sounds really serious. You should go to a teacher about that," Yuzuru suggested.

"The rooming arrangements were already decided," Kiri stated, not looking up from her book. "She is rooming with Mariya Shidou and her brother, Shizu Shidou."

"Oh, I am?" Kanako replied, a mix of excitement and disappointment in her voice.

"Yes, it was written on the board just six minutes ago," Kiri answered.

 _'Dammit, if Mariya wasn't there, this field trip would be perfect!'_ Kanako wailed. _'He even has to interfere when we're not at school too!'_

It took all her mental strength not to start screaming then and there.

* * *

The room was beautiful, a soft beige carpet stretching from wall to wall, large windows showing the sight of the night sky over the horizon. Three king-sized beds stood side by side, light brown and white sheets and red pillows colouring the mattress. A gentle white paint covered the walls, completing the room's earthy appearance.

Kanako marveled at the size of the room, far larger than her bedroom at home or the dorm room, carefully setting her luggage on one of the beds.

Mariya looked far less impressed, gazing around the room with disdain in his eyes. Shizu regarded the room cautiously, before sitting down on the bed next to Kanako's luggage.

"It's so good to see you again, Kana!" She declared as she smiled up at the older girl.

"It's great to see you too, Shizu!" Kanako responded.

"Do you mind not being so noisy early in the afternoon?" Mariya asked with a glare, shattering the friendly atmosphere. "Actually, just stay quiet all trip, so I don't have to deal with either of you."

"Big brother, don't be a sourpuss," Shizu retorted. "We're just catching up!"

"Hey Kanako, do you hear that? It sounds like a fly buzzing around. Maybe I should _squash it_ ," Mariya said in a thinly-veiled threat.

"Has he been like this to you while you were living with him?" Shizu inquired, pity in her eyes as she turned back to face her friend, ignoring her brother.

"Actually, I think he's been even worse," Kanako answered, joining Shizu in the 'ignore the demon roommate' club. "Maybe you're a calming presence?"

"Really? Poor Kanako, having to deal with my brother for so long."

"I feel even worse for you," Kanako admitted. "You've had to deal with him for years."

"You know, neither of you are getting away with badmouthing when I'm around to hear it," Said blonde announced, interrupting Kanako and Shizu's friendly conversation.

"So we should insult you when you're not around to hear it?" Shizu asked.

"Of course. If I'm not around to hear it, you can at least pretend it never happened."

"That won't work," Kanako replied. "You once threw a textbook at my head for lying to you."

"Oh my, poor Kanako," Shizu gasped dramatically, placing a hand to her chest as pretend tears filled her eyes. "Mariya, you really should be kinder to your roommate!"

"She doesn't deserve it."

"Hey!"

The three continued in their strange, three-way argument, until it was nearly midnight, the moon shining on all of them, and they agreed it was time to fall asleep.

Kanako smiled as she curled up on her bed. She enjoyed talking with Shizu, even if Mariya turned the entire thing into a weird argument.

* * *

"Kanako, it's morning," A voice called out from on top of her.

Kanako opened her eyes, seeing Mariya in the sexy outfit of the day, a very revealing witch costume this time, pinning her to the bed and groaned.

"It's early, and it's not time for class. Please let me sleep more, o kind and merciful demon, and I shall do anything you wish later, so long as it does not result in my public embarrassment and/or death," Kanako begged, pleading with her eyes.

"You realize that the train to the exhibit we're visiting leaves in a couple minutes, right?" Mariya replied, a smirk on his face as he watched Kanako panic.

"Wait," Kanako paused, stopping her blind confusion as she thought. "Our class isn't going to visit an exhibit."

"The students of both schools are allowed two hours of free time in the morning before school activities and the afternoon after," Mariya recited. "I've decided I'm going to the museum, and you're coming with me."

" _Why?_ "

"I'm bored."

"Are you serious?!" Kanako shrieked in confusion.

Her loud voice stirred Shizu from her sleep, the blonde yawning as she stretched herself awake-

Only to find her brother pinning Kanako to the bed in a witch costume.

Shizu blinked, eyes widening and mouth gaping, seconds before the rest of the hotel's residents was awakened due to an earth-shattering scream.

* * *

"Shizu, you can't ban me from my own room!"

"I'm sorry, but I never want to be traumatized like that ever again!"

"Where will I sleep?"

"On the couch in the lobby, so you two stay separated and don't make babies on this trip! I don't want to see my best friend and brother ...f-f... I mean, making babies!"

"Shizu, you're completely wrong! "

"If you're planning on doing something like that, wait until you get back to Ame-no-Kisaki!"

"SHIZU, WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX IN THE BEDROOM. LET ME INSIDE ALREADY."

* * *

 **My favourite part about the ending is that you can either see it as Shizu getting revenge on her brother by kicking him out or Kanako pleading to be let back inside but being refused by her friend.**

 **Also, Shizu is adorable and refuses to swear.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	48. Pets!

**No. Nope.**

Chapter 'o' : rEVENGE

Alternate Title: _Did you really think that one chapter alone was enough to contain all of Mariya's revenge?_

* * *

Mariya Shidou, adorable class idol and a reliable, good-natured student, had a secret.

No, not the fact that he's a boy, that was obvious.

The secret was that, despite the strict (sort of) rules and guidelines restricting the actions available to the students living in the dorms, he had managed to find a way around every single one, bending the rules to bring his dog into the dorms.

"Aw, you're so cute!" Mariya declared, a smile on his face and falsetto masking his voice as he petted the head of his dog.

"Mariya, stop it!" Kanako whined, pulling away from Mariya's hand. "You're going to give me hives!"

"Oh, you want more belly rubs?" Mariya asked as ignored her words. He bent down and pushed Kanako to the floor gently, patting her stomach.

"S-stop!" Kanako giggled as Mariya rubbed his hands over her stomach, legs kicking in the air as she tried and failed to keep herself from laughing.

"Who's a good girl, who's a good girl?"

"Mariya, quit it!"

"You are!" Mariya declared, adoration in his voice as he continued petting the older girl.

"You know, this technically counts as pet play," Kanako stated as she pulled at the collar hanging around her neck.

"What's that? You want more hugs?" The blonde smiled as he ignored Kanako's protests, instead tackling her to the ground, laughing as she screamed about hives.

Mariya liked having a dog. Almost as much as Kanako hated being one.

(Or to be more precise, as much as Kanako protested and pretended to hate being one, but actually enjoyed the attention. Even if it meant getting hives later.)

* * *

 **I feel like there's going to be many more of 'Mariya's Revenge' chapters. Or maybe not. Who knows?**

 **Anyways, I hope you liked this tiny chapter, and have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	49. Love Triangles!

**I do not own Maria Holic or anything else.**

Chapter tentacles: there's a love triangle between Kanako, Mariya and the fucking tentacle bag monster and that's all that needs to be said on the matter.

Alternate Title: _I'M NOT SURE EITHER_

* * *

"Shut up, Kanako," Mariya commanded as he crossed his arms over his chest.

All of a sudden, the two heard a strange tapping noise, coming from the closet Kanako kept her bag in. Exchanging wary stares, the two opened the door.

The tentacle bag monster tapped a message against the wall, saying, "..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. .-. -..-. .. -..-. -.- -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. ..-" , which is tentacle bag monster for " _Please excuse me, I would like to interrupt."_

"Is it saying something?" Kanako asked.

"How should I know?" Mariya responded with a shrug.

The bag monster continued tapping, saying, "..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. .-. -..-. .. -..-. -.- -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. ..-", which is tentacle bag monster for " _I will not allow such cruelty against Miss Miyamae._ "

"Should we kill it?" Mariya inquired in concern.

"We can't, I'm pretty sure it's immortal," Kanako replied.

" _.. -..-. .- -..-. .- -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -... -..-. . -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. - -..-. ..-. -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. -.-. -..-. .-.. -..-. . -..-. -... -..-. .- -..-. -... -..-. .. -..-. . -..-. ..._ ", which is tentacle bag monster for " _Thank you kindly Miss Miyamae for attempting to save my life. Your kindness knows no bounds._ "

"I'm going to get the matches," Mariya announced.

"Wait, that's still my bag!" Kanako protested.

"There is a fucking monster in there."

"You were the one to put it there in the first place!"

"And now I'm accepting responsibility and killing it before it murders us all," Mariya stated seriously.

"What about my bag?!" Kanako demanded.

"I'll get you a new one with all the textbooks and porn you could ever want. Plus no monster."

"I still say no. First, you're probably going to burn down the school again-"

"-That was in an AU and one time," Mariya interrupted.

"- and second, it's harmless. Sure, it's creepy, but it saved my life in chapter one, so it can't be all that bad."

"Are you sure?" Mariya asked in disbelief.

"Yeah."

".-.. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. - -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. .-. -..-. .- -..-. -... -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .-. -..-. -... -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -... -..-. ...", which translates to " _Thank you, Miss Miyamae! You have saved me! I will do my best to bring you happiness!_ "

"On second thought, keep the matches ready," Kanako whispered to the blonde, who nodded.

The two eyed the bag warily as it reached towards the desk, wrapping a tentacle around a piece of paper and another around a pen.

"It's writing," Mariya observed, reading the paper. "And its' handwriting is better than yours."

"Shut up, Mariya, I want to see what it says," Kanako retorted as the monster passed the letter to the blonde.

 _'Mariya Shidou,_

 _Since you cannot treat a woman the way she ought to be treated, I have took the responsibility upon myself to treat Miss Miyamae the way she should be treated. Tonight, I shall make her my wife and she shall bear my tentacle children._

 _Signed, The Tentacle Bag Monster'_

"What the fuck," Mariya said flatly as he finished reading.

He looked up and saw the window wide open, the bag fleeing over rooftops with Kanako hanging from one of the tentacles as they left.

"What the fuck?!" Mariya repeated, scrambling to get his phone out of his pocket.

"Matsurika, I need you to track down Kanako's bag. The tentacle monster inside kidnapped her and is trying to make her its' wife," Mariya said into the phone, trying not to start laughing at the sheer absurdity of his words.

* * *

".- -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .-.. -..-. -.. -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. ...- -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .- -..-. -.. -..-. .. -..-. - -..-. .-.. -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. ... -..-. ..- -..-. -. -..-. .-.. -..-. -.-" The tentacle monster who was playing with Kanako's hair tapped against the wall, which is tentacle bag monster for, " _Oh dear! What beautiful hair! I will do my best to preserve its' beauty when I style it!"_

"I don't know anything you're saying," Kanako replied honestly as she pulled her head away from its' tentacles. "Also, can you please stop that? It hurts."

"-... -..-. .. -..-. - -..-. -.-. -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. -.. -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .- -..-. ..- -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ." It tapped at her, which is tentacle monster for, " _Oh no! I cannot, you must look PERFECT for the wedding! It is my duty as the tentacle bag monster hairdresser!"_

"I still don't know what you're saying," Kanako reminded the monster.

"- -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. -.-. -..-. .-.. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. ... -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. ...- -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. .. -..-. .-. -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. -.- -..-. .. -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. . -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. .. -..-. .-. -..-. -.. -..-. .-. -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-.", which is " _There's no more time! We have to get you down the aisle and in your dress! But not in that order! Quick, get downstairs! Go, go, go!_ " in tentacle language.

The hairdresser monster pushed the raven-haired girl down the stairs. Kanako tumbled through the air, landing in a position that should have broken her neck. But since this is Kanako we're talking about, she stood up with nothing more than a few bruises and some messy hair.

"What was that for!?" Kanako yelled at the monster up the stairs, grumbling as she rubbed the bruise forming on her arm.

She screamed as a tentacle monster snuck up behind her and stuck a limb into her shirt.

"NO! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" Kanako yelled, running from the monster.

"-. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. .- -..-. -.- -..-. . -..-. -.. -..-. -... -..-. .. -..-. - -..-. -.-. -..-. ...", It tapped as it chased her, which translates to " _GET BACK HERE, I STILL HAVE YOUR DRESS,"_ in tentacle language.

"NOPE!" Kanako exclaimed as she shoved her way out the door.

She was shocked to find what seemed to be a wedding area, an aisle cutting between what was either two very large bag monsters or a crowd of many on each side. At the far end of the aisle was an arch of stone, her bag lying underneath, as if it was a normal bag, no tentacles in sight.

"What the fuck," Kanako said flatly, a near mirror of the way Mariya had said it earlier in the chapter.

"What the fuck indeed, Ms. Pig," Matsurika agreed as she appeared from behind Kanako.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Kanako screamed in shock as she flinched away from the maid.

"I'm here to rescue you," Matsurika stated emotionlessly.

"Don't forget me," Mariya added, also appearing from nowhere.

"WHERE DID YOU TWO COME FROM?!" Kanako demanded.

"We teleported," The maid deadpanned.

"We actually just walked. You didn't notice," Mariya admitted honestly.

"... -..-. - -..-. .-.. -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. ..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. ..- -..-. .-. -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. ..-. -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. -. -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. .-.. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. . -..-. -.", The tentacle thing in Kanako's bag tapped, which is tentacle for " _Mariya Shidou, why the fuck are you trying to steal my wife?_ ".

"Master Mariya is not going to steal anyone from you, and the Eiffel Tower is not your wife," Matsurika replied.

"Wow, you actually know what it's saying!" Kanako exclaimed in wonder.

"Wow, you're useful for something after all," Mariya said in fake admiration.

"Ms. Pig, I hope for the sake of all that is good and holy and just that you are not going to marry this poor creature. Marrying you is a punishment I wouldn't inflict on anyone or anything," Matsurika deadpanned.

"M-M-Marry?! Of course not!" Kanako declared. "I'm not _that_ kind of pervert!"

"Then let's get out of here," Mariya ordered, walking away from the wedding area nonchalantly.

"Agreed, I would rather not stare at these creatures any longer," Matsurika added.

"How will I get my bag back?" Kanako asked.

"I'll get you a new one," Mariya promised.

"Please no monster that will try to marry me," Kanako begged.

"There won't be one," Mariya stated.

The tentacle groom (?) watched the trio leave with tears in its' non-existent eyes.

"- -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. ..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -. -..-. -.- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .- -..-. .-. -..-. . -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. .. -..-. -. -..-. -.", a tentacle in the crowd tapped to the groom...thing, which means " _Why aren't you chasing them? You can catch your bride easily if you run."_

"-. -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -.. -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. .-.. -..-. .- -..-. -.. -..-. -.- -..-. ..-. -..-. - -..-. .-. -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -" The groom (?) replied sadly, which meant ," _I was rejected, overturned in favour of that Shidou. To chase after a woman in love with another would be folly._ "

Oblivious of the heartbreak (if it had a heart) they caused, the trio returned to Girls' Dorm Two.

".- -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. ..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. -.. -..-. -.. -..-. .- -..-. -" it tapped as it watched them leave, which translates to ," _Farewell forever, Miss Miyamae. I wish you happiness and success in all that you do._ "

(Kanako's new bag was cute, big and shaped like a teddy bear. It also had every textbook needed for all of Kanako's classes, along with a pocket containing candy. Best of all, there was no monster inside that would try to marry her. Kanako couldn't find any faults with it, so she thanked Mariya with a smile. Mariya blushed and said it was the least he could do.)

* * *

 _Bonus: The Actual Translations_

* * *

"..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. .-. -..-. .. -..-. -.- -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. ..-" = FUCK YOU MARIYA SHIDOU

"..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. .-. -..-. .. -..-. -.- -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. ..-" = KANAKO MIYAMAE IS MY WAIFU

" _.. -..-. .- -..-. .- -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -... -..-. . -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. - -..-. ..-. -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. -.-. -..-. .-.. -..-. . -..-. -... -..-. .- -..-. -... -..-. .. -..-. . -..-. ..._ " = I WANT YOU TO BE THE MOTHER OF MY TENTACLE BABIES

".-.. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. - -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. .-. -..-. .- -..-. -... -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .-. -..-. -... -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -... -..-. ..." = LET ME GRAB YOUR BOOBS

".- -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .-.. -..-. -.. -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. ...- -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .- -..-. -.. -..-. .. -..-. - -..-. .-.. -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. ... -..-. ..- -..-. -. -..-. .-.. -..-. -.-" = WE SHOULD SHAVE HER HEAD, IT LOOKS UGLY

"-... -..-. .. -..-. - -..-. -.-. -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. -.. -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .- -..-. ..- -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ." BITCH WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME

"- -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. .- -..-. -.-. -..-. .-.. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. ... -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. ...- -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. .. -..-. .-. -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. -.- -..-. .. -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. . -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. .. -..-. .-. -..-. -.. -..-. .-. -..-. . -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-." = TENTACLE MONSTERS DO NOT HAVE HAIR WHY IS THERE A HAIRDRESSER

"-. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. .- -..-. -.- -..-. . -..-. -.. -..-. -... -..-. .. -..-. - -..-. -.-. -..-. ..." = GET NAKED BITCH

"... -..-. - -..-. .-.. -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. ..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. ..- -..-. .-. -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. ..-. -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. .-. -..-. -. -..-. . -..-. -. -..-. - -..-. .-.. -..-. . -..-. - -..-. . -..-. -." = HOLD THE FUCK UP MOTHER FATHER GENTLEMEN

"- -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. ..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -. -..-. -.- -..-. -.- -..-. - -..-. ..- -..-. .- -..-. .-. -..-. . -..-. -.. -..-. - -..-. .. -..-. -. -..-. -." = THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING

"-. -..-. .- -..-. ... -..-. - -..-. - -..-. - -..-. -.. -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. -. -..-. .-.. -..-. .- -..-. -.. -..-. -.- -..-. ..-. -..-. - -..-. .-. -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -" = NAH TOO DAMN LAZY FOR THAT SHIT

".- -..-. ... -..-. .- -..-. - -..-. - -..-. ... -..-. . -..-. ..-. -..-. ..- -..-. -.-. -..-. -.- -..-. ... -..-. ... -..-. .. -..-. -.. -..-. -.. -..-. -.. -..-. .- -..-. -" = WHAT THE FUCK SHIZZZAM

* * *

 **A cruel author would simply let you type every single one of those dots and dashes into some morse code translator to find out what the monsters were saying. Aren't you so glad to have a kind author who provides these translations for free? Perhaps you should show your gratitude by bowing down before me. Go on then, press your forehead to the ground and sing songs of gratitude!**

 **Hahaha! Just kidding! Just send a review and I'll be fine.**

 **This absolutely insane idea was graciously submitted by Shizzzam.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter, have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update.**


	50. 2 MONTHS BEFORE HALLOWEEN CHAPTER

**I don't own Maria Holic and I don't own Halloween.**

Chapter Huh: So that cheap Halloween stuff works after all

Alternate Title: _Drugging your roommate with a truth serum is a bad idea_

* * *

"Congratulations, Kanako Miyamae! You won the recipe to one mystical potion!" The woman at the lottery announced with a bright smile. She awarded the second-year with a laminated piece of paper, black cobweb patterns against the luminescent orange of the page to amplify the aura of Halloween spirit coming off the paper.

Kanako read the words in wonder, questioning whether it would work or not. It sounded simple enough to make, easy enough that even though it lied outside her area of expertise (AKA; not a dessert) she could still make it perfectly.

Smiling, Kanako made her way from the fairgrounds towards the school's kitchen, excited to make the so-called 'potion'.

* * *

"A half cup of blueberries, two teaspoons of sugar," Kanako muttered as she worked. "Crush until smooth, then mix with a whisk."

Kanako smiled as she followed the instructions on the paper, pouring and mixing until she had an authentic (?) potion. She poured it into a glass and regarded it for a few seconds. It looked delicious, but Kanako had grown past the stage where she trusted anyone and anything. No, the best way to find out if it was real or not was to get someone else to try it.

And she had just the person to test it.

* * *

"Mariya, I tried making the recipe I won at the lottery! Do you want to try it?" Kanako asked, trying to make her smile as cheery as possible.

"What are you doing?" Mariya asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

Keeping her cheerful demeanour, Kanako, lied and said, "I drank some of it, and I feel so happy and bubbly that you have to try it too! Come on, Mariya!"

The blonde stared at Kanako for a few seconds, doubt in his ruby eyes, before shrugging and grabbing the glass.

"Fine, if it'll get you to shut up," Mariya said with an annoyed glare before he downed the glass.

Kanako anxiously watched Mariya as he finished the glass, trying to discern any differences in appearance and behaviour from the demonic roommate she remembered.

"That was great, Kanako! It tasted delicious!" Mariya exclaimed with a smile. Kanako froze in shock.

"D-did you just c-c-compliment me?!" Kanako demanded in disbelief.

"Yup! You did amazing! As expected from the woman I love!" Mariya declared, smile still on his face.

 _'I'm not sure which one is more concerning, that fact that he just complimented me or the fact that he said he loved me,'_ Kanako paused, her mind processing the information she had just heard, before she clamped her hands over her ears, repeating a mantra to herself to maintain her sanity.

 _'He's doing it to mess with me. He's doing it to mess with me. He's doing it to mess with me-'_

"Kanako, are you okay? You look really pale," Mariya said in concern, reaching out to touch Kanako's forehead,

"Don't touch me! I'll get hives!" Kanako yelled, flinching away from the blonde's touch.

To her surprise, Mariya actually retracted his hand, looking disappointed.

"If you say so..." He muttered, causing Kanako to scream in shock.

"What's going on here!? First you compliment me, then you say you love me and then you actually listen to me?! What happened to the Mariya Shidou I know and hate?!"

"I have no idea!" Mariya admitted with a shining smile. "I just have the sudden urge to confess everything I've ever hidden from you!"

 _"Bullshit!_ You're just trying to trick me!" Kanako yelled.

"I'm completely serious!" Mariya declared, staring into Kanako's eyes with a determined expression. "What can I do to get you believe me? I'll answer any questions you have!"

 _'Any question? But how do I tell if he's lying or not?'_ Kanako asked herself as her mouth fumbled to ask a question.

"U-uh, do you still have the t-teddy bear charm I-I-I gave you?" Kanako stammered, resisting the urge to slap herself as the words left her mouth.

 _'Idiot, of course he didn't-'_

"Of course!" Mariya answered with a grin, pulling his phone out of his pocket and showing Kanako the teddy bear charm hanging off of it. "It's one of my most precious objects!"

A loud snap reverberated inside Kanako's skull, as if she could hear the sound of her mind being physically forced to accept this reality. One where Mariya loved her, apparently.

Kanako was petrified, her mouth refusing to do anything but open and close uselessly as her gaze was stuck on the smiling boy.

"Kanako, are you alright?" Mariya asked, concern in his eyes as his smile faded.

"Of course I'm not okay! How am I supposed to react when someone who hates me says they're in love with me?!" She shrieked.

"I don't hate you!"

"I can't count the times you've nearly killed me! Or how many times you've manipulated me!"

"I'm sorry," Mariya said, head held low. "I won't do it anymore, if that's what you want."

"Huh?" Kanako gasped. "Are you serious?"

"Of course," The blonde replied with a smile. "I'll do anything you ask."

"C-can you leave me alone? And not insult me? And never hit me again?" Kanako asked, excitement growing in her voice.

"Alright," Mariya answered, before leaving the room.

Kanako began cheering.

 _'Yes! All I have to do is keep feeding him the potion and he'll leave me alone forever!'_

* * *

 _'I'm bored,'_ Kanako realized as she laid down on her bed, alone.

Mariya hadn't returned. Kanako had the vague inkling that he wouldn't step inside the room until she told him to.

The room felt emptier without Mariya or Matsurika inside. (And Matsurika barely shows up anyways.) Kanako found herself itching for a conversation with someone, or even an argument with Mariya.

Kanako shrugged and opened the door, ready to search for the elusive blonde-

And found that he was sitting across the hall, leaning against the wall as they stared at each other.

"U-um, you can come inside now," Kanako offered awkwardly.

"Oh, thank you," Mariya said politely, smiling as he stepped inside.

"S -so, Mariya, are you really in l-l-love with me?" Kanako stuttered, curiosity overcoming the awkwardness she felt from staying in the same room as the polite Mariya.

"Definitely," Mariya answered, his voice filled with certainty.

"When did this start?" Kanako asked.

"I'm not even sure. I don't know whether it's from when we were children or sometime after school started, but I do know that I've felt like this for a long time," Mariya stated.

"We knew each other when we were children?"

"Yeah, your mom used to bring you to our house to play. I was really sad when you didn't remember me, but it's not that important," Mariya explained.

"Oh," Kanako paused, trying to recall any memories that resembled the situation Mariya described, only to come up empty-handed.

"I'm going to go to sleep. You should too," Kanako suggested, suddenly tired of dealing with polite Mariya.

"Alright, good night Kanako."

"Good night, Mariya."

* * *

"Good morning Kanako!" Mariya's voice called out from on top of her.

Kanako blinked away the sleep in her eyes, slowly processing the sight of Mariya in an angel costume leaning over her.

"Don't I look _divine?_ It suits an angel on earth like me _perfectly_!" Mariya bragged as he slid off of her.

"Oh, you're back to normal," Kanako said with a sigh of relief.

"What are you talking about?" Mariya asked in equal parts confusion and exasperation.

"Yesterday, you were acting weird. You were polite and nice and said you were in love with me," Kanako explained.

Mariya blushed and replied with a, "What the fuck?!"

"I know, it was really confusing!" Kanako agreed. "There's no way you would fall in love with me!"

"Shut up and get dressed," Mariya commanded, hiding his blush with his right hand.

Kanako smiled. She was glad that her hateable Mariya was back.

(Kanako later discovered the potion recipe shredded to pieces, and a note warning her against the dangers of testing random substances on random people.)

* * *

 **A Halloween chapter. Two months before Halloween. Yes. Perfectly sensible. Absolutely.**

 **On another note, happy 50 chapters! Yay for your support! Thanks!**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update! :D**


	51. Weird Twin Threesome Go!

**No. Non. Nope. Nada. No. Do not own.**

Chapter :3 : Just make it a threesome.

Alternate Title: _You kissed both twins? Ten points to you!_

Alternate Alternate Title: _TFW your twin keeps trying to steal the girl you like_

* * *

Yuzuru rarely felt pity for her taller friend. Second-hand embarrassment and a sense of annoyance, yes, but never pity for the second Miyamae child.

Until Sachi directed her attention towards a scene involved her classmate when they were using their two hours of morning free time to go shopping.

Standing in front of the city's largest museum was Kanako Miyamae, a Shidou twin on each arm, the blonde siblings obviously arguing with each other, and poor Kanako was stuck in the middle. Had Yuzuru not been absorbed in her rare bouts of pity, she would have found the scene amusing. Instead, she found herself wishing Kanako a good rest of the day after she subtracted herself from the argument.

"I've never seen Mariya get angry before," Sachi noted.

"Poor Kanako," Yuzuru said, before the orange-haired girl dragged her towards the store, wanting to add various tools to her hammer space of a pocket. _

"Kanako, you obviously want to spend time with me, right? I mean, my brother treats you horribly!"

"Kanako, I swear, if you choose my fucking sister, I'm going to throw a barbell at your head."

The older girl was beginning to get a headache. She never imagined love triangles being so stressful.

Wait, no, that would imply that Mariya was in love with her. And while she was okay with Shizu being in love with her, Mariya doing the same would just be gross. So it was more of a weird-sibling-rivalry triangle.

"Well?" Mariya asked expectantly as he tightened his grip on Kanako's arm. "Who are you going to go with?"

"U-u-um..."

"It's obviously going to be me, so don't even try anything, big brother!" Shizu declared, glaring at the other blonde.

"Ow..."

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the _overwhelming_ sound of lies coming out of your mouth. Maybe you should try being honest and admit that's going to be me."

"You really shouldn't accuse other people of being liars, you hypocrite."

Weird-sibling-rivalry triangles were headache-inducing.

* * *

Kanako couldn't feel her arms. This lack of sensation was because both Shidou twins, Mariya on her left and Shizu to her right, were clinging to her biceps so hard, Kanako couldn't move her fingers.

"Kanako, let's check out the history exhibit," Mariya suggested, his tight grip on her arm giving her hives.

"No, let's go to the art exhibit instead," Shizu retorted, shooting a glare at her brother.

"Why the hell would you want to look at old paintings?" Mariya asked in disbelief.

"Why the h-h-heck would you want to look at old dead stuff?" Shizu shot back, fumbling on the swear.

"History has actual importance in the world. It shaped society and earth as we know them and we can learn valuable lessons from it. What can you learn from looking at old art?" Mariya smirked at his sister when she didn't reply, instead stuttering a sound that might have been a response that Mariya chose to ignore.

"Great! Let's go to the history exhibit!" Mariya exclaimed with false cheer and a fake grin on his face as he dragged the chain of people towards the stairs.

Kanako didn't bother struggling, instead saying something for the first time since the argument started.

"You're going to rip my arm off," Kanako told Mariya, smiling as he loosened his grip slightly.

"Kana, come on, we should just leave him in the history exhibit and go to the art gallery!" Shizu whisper-yelled (the kind of yelling where you're whispering and yelling at the same time) at the older girl.

"I would, but I don't really feel all that good," Kanako admitted. "I'm getting hives from touching him and I feel too light-headed to actually talk."

"Oh no! Mariya, you should let go, I mean, Kanako is getting hives just from touching you, so let go already!" Shizu said with a pointed stare directed at her brother.

"Who cares?" Mariya replied with a shrug.

"How are you so apathetic?!" Shizu demanded, before turning to Kanako and pulling on her arm. "Kana, we should go."

"Like hell I'm letting you go," Mariya grumbled as he tightened his grip on Kanako's bicep.

"That really hurts..." Kanako whimpered, only to be ignored by the Shidou twins.

"Don't be selfish, big brother! You get to spend time with Kana every day at the dorms, while this is my only chance in a long time to spend time with her!"

"You think that'll work on me? You obviously don't know your older brother."

Forget headache-inducing, weird-sibling-rivalry triangles were _painful_.

* * *

"Please divide yourselves into partners," The teacher ordered, his voice reaching every single student in the crowd. "Do not separate from your partner, or leave without them. Groups of three are allowed if you must. You may now explore the city, so long as you return as soon as your two hours are finished. Have fun and stay safe."

Kanako felt her eyes tear up as soon as the two clamp-like grips returned to her arms. During the trip around a business building, the blood in her arms was allowed to circulate properly, but now that the school activities were over and the free time had started, Kanako prepared herself for an afternoon of headaches and pain.

Which is exactly why she was confused to find that the two twins dragged her around without any words, as if they shared a psychic connection and didn't need something like words to communicate.

The two brought her to a cafe, Mariya detaching from her arm for a bit to steal a chair from another table, setting it down at a table meant for two. the siblings sat down wordlessly, Kanako following their lead, slightly unnerved by the silence. Also the fact that both of them were staring at her like they were trying to stab her with their eyes.

"W-what?" Kanako asked, squeaking as they continued staring.

"Hey, Kanako," Mariya called out, his voice in its' natural baritone as he continued staring into her soul. "You wouldn't date my sister, right? After all, even if you like girls, there's no way you would like an idiot like her."

"Huh?" Kanako faltered for a moment, a blush coming over her cheeks as she stammer, saying," W-well, I mean, Shizu is r-really nice and p-p-pretty and I really, really like spending time with her, s-so I guess I would date her?"

"Really?!" Shizu exclaimed in disbelief, a smile lighting up her as her stare became less of a stabby-stabby pierce-y thing and more of 'oh my god I'm so happy' thing. "We should start dating then!"

" _She's taken,_ " Mariya hissed, glaring at the two girls.

"By who?!" Shizu cried.

"By me," Mariya replied, a smirk on his face.

"No I'm not!" Kanako protested, before a kiss was pressed to her lips.

Shizu watched in shock as her brother kissed Kanako, when the older girl pushed him away.

"What was that for?!" Kanako demanded.

"I want a kiss too..." Shizu murmured dejectedly.

"Too bad Shizu," Mariya said with a bright (and fake) smile on his face. "Maybe if you weren't such a coward, you'd be able to get one next time."

"I-I'm not a coward! I'll kiss Kana too!" Shizu declared, her face bright red as she pulled the taller girl towards her and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips.

"What's going on right now?!" Kanako wept.

Forget painful and headache-inducing, weird-sibling-rivalry triangles were _confusing_!

* * *

"Why are you on my bed. Why are both of you on my bed," Kanako asked in a monotone, too shocked to put any emotion into her words.

"We're dating, so it's only natural that we share a bed, right Kanako?" Mariya said in his falsetto, a pleading expression on his face.

"Kanako was never dating you!" Shizu protested, crossing her arms over her chest. "And besides, she said she would date _me_ , so as far as I'm concerned, I've already won."

"Oh really?" Mariya challenged, before he put on his most adorable, innocent and vulnerable expression on his face, looking up at Kanako with fake tears in his eyes. "Are you sure you wouldn't date me?"

"Don't be fooled, Kana! He's trying to trick you!" Shizu warned the older girl. "And he's probably doing this to mess with both of us, so he probably doesn't even care about you at all!"

Mariya glared at his twin sister, before kissing Kanako, who didn't seem to care at all, considering the fact that she didn't push him away or react in any way.

"I think she's asleep," Shizu noted as Mariya pulled away.

"Oh great," Mariya sighed as he rolled his eyes. "I'll grab the cat costume."

"No! Don't wake her up like that again!" Shizu pleaded, tears in her eyes from remembering the trauma of seeing her brother in a witch costume pinning her crush to the bed.

"It's the only way to wake her up," Mariya replied. "Seriously, she sleeps through books thrown at her and the sound of a train passing by being played in her eyes. It's the only thing that works."

"Then just let her sleep," Shizu suggested.

"How boring," Mariya huffed. "I was going to make her choose between us today."

"What's the point? We can do it tomorrow."

"I was going to do it while wearing a maid costume."

"But that's cheating!" Shizu protested.

"All's fair in love and war," Mariya replied, winking at his sister.

"What happened to a fair and honourable battle?" The younger twin asked.

"That was for the chairmanship. If it's Kanako, anything goes," Mariya stated.

"You really are in love with her, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Mariya admitted, sending a fond glance towards the sleeping girl, before turning back towards his sister. "That's why I'm not losing."

"I don't plan on losing to you either, big brother," Shizu declared with a smile.

Weird-sibling-rivalry-triangles-that-turned-out-to-be-a-love-triangle-all-along triangles were confusing, headache-inducing and painful all at the same time, Kanako realized as she continued to pretend to be asleep.

However, when both Shidou twins wrapped their arms around her gently, still thinking she was asleep, Kanako found that she didn't mind at all.

(It was only when they returned to their own schools that Kanako realized that she kind of agreed to become the girlfriend of both Shizu and Mariya.)

(She didn't actually mind, though.)

* * *

 **What happened to this fic being a Mariya/Kanako ONLY story? I don't know.  
**

 **But hey, Mariya/Kanako/Shizu is close enough, right?**

 **I kind of like that when Kanako gets used to something, she tends to just ignore it. Like how she slowly grew immune to Mariya waking her up in sexy costumes in the manga. Which meant that her pretending to be asleep was half of a plan to get out of the conversation and half her ignoring it.**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	52. PERSONALITY SWAP YEAH

**Nuh.**

Chapter - : Typical personality swap chapter, nothing more nothing less.

Alternate Title: _This started as an attempt to explore how Kanako would react if Mariya was a girl and then kind of turned weird_

* * *

"Mariya Shidou, bleed out and die!" Kanako ordered, crossing her arms under her breasts as she glared at her underclassman and roommate.

 _'Ah, to feel the abuse of a queen! This is great!'_ The blonde cross-dresser thought to himself, a smile on his face as blood started dripping from his nose.

"Aren't you listening?!" The taller girl demanded. "I _said_ , die!"

"Of course, anything for you, my queen!" The perverted boy saluted, blood still dripping from his nose.

"Disgusting pervert. I should have kicked you out of my school the moment I discovered you were a trap," Kanako muttered to herself, trying not to be heard.

Of course, that didn't stop Mariya from hearing her anyways.

"You can kick me around all you want, my queen!" Mariya exclaimed, throwing himself at the older girl.

"Don't even think about it!" Kanako retorted as she kicked him away. "I don't want to get any hives from you, and besides, vermin shouldn't be anywhere near my beautiful body."

Kanako trailed off as she realized Mariya wasn't responding, instead laying on the floor uselessly. She nudged him with her foot.

 _'Maybe I went too far...'_ Kanako speculated as her repeated nudging didn't gather any reactions.

"You're free to inflict any injury you want on me, my queen," Mariya offered, a heavy blush spreading on his face and drool slipping out from the corner of his mouth.

"GAH!" Kanako yelped, accidentally stepping on the blonde as she scrambled to get away.

"The feeling of being trampled underfoot by practical royalty! This is heaven!" Mariya declared as he rose from the floor, shuddering as he attempted to regain his breath. "I'll keep this day in my memories forever!"

"Get away from me, you abhorrent pig!" Kanako screamed as she pressed herself against the wall, staring at Mariya with shocked disgust in her eyes.

"Anything so long as I can still gaze at your beauty, my queen!" Mariya replied with a smile.

"Don't even look at me with those filthy, disgusting eyes of yours, you freak!" Kanako ordered, preparing to kick him away if necessary.

Poor Kanako. Even in the AU, she's the one with the horrible luck of rooming with Mariya Shidou.

* * *

A crowd of students gathered around the school entrance, watching from behind trees and lamp posts as Kanako Miyamae exited the building. They whispered amongst themselves as she walked away from the school with perfect poise and posture.

"Wow, Miss Miyamae really is like royalty!"

"She's excellent in her academics, her athletics and her looks!"

"I would date her if I could!"

Kanako simply smiled and waved at her followers, her self-satisfaction growing as she heard the sounds of admiration as she beamed at all of them.

 _'Of course these worms regard me as their queen! I am an angel on earth, perfection in a human body compared to these nobodies! No one can escape from my beauty, and no one can surpass me in academics or athletics!'_

Kanako made sure to keep her smile friendly and benign, not allowing a hint of her smug attitude to show on her face, no matter how difficult it was after an internal monologue like that.

However, when Kanako reached the entrance to her room, a dilemma presented itself to her.

 _'Mariya has archery, so he shouldn't be in the room right now...'_ Kanako assured herself, steadying her breath as she opened the door.

"Welcome back, my queen!" Mariya greeted her, laying down on his bed with several think books open around him.

"Shouldn't you be at archery?" Kanako questioned, setting her bag down on her bed.

"It was cancelled because the captain was sick," Mariya explained, before turning back to his work.

Kanako sighed out of relief, glad to know that he was at least doing homework, before her relief was shattered by his next words.

"So I decided to work on organizing my photo albums of all the cute girls in the school."

 _'He's the most dangerous person in the school!'_ Kanako thought to herself as she stood over him, using her height to appear more intimidating as she spoke.

"Burn them," Kanako commanded, her eyes icy as she spoke.

"Ah, alright, if you say so," Mariya agreed, stunning Kanako with how easy it was to convince him. "After all, I have backups on my phone!"

 _'He's the enemy of every woman on earth!'_

"Give me your phone," Kanako ordered, holding her hand out towards the boy.

"Of course! Anything you command, my queen," Mariya smiled as he handed the phone to the older girl, before his grin turned lecherous and a blush formed on his face. "But I'm sure if I did anything out of line, you would punish me..."

Kanako ignored him in favour of searching her roommate's phone for the pictures.

 _'Ah, here they are,'_ Kanako opened a camera app and began scrolling through the photo roll.

In the first picture, three girls were smiling happily, facing the camera and posing for the picture.

 _'This isn't a creep shot! I can't delete this!'_ Kanako realized as she continued looking through the pictures, dismayed to find that each and every one of them seemed to be taken with the subject's consent.

"What is this?" Kanako demanded, showing the picture of the student council president making a peace sign for the camera.

"Oh, those are the pictures I took as part of my duty of the Photography Club," Mariya explained, smiling cheerily.

 _'He's not as creepy as I thought...'_

"Did you think I was taking pictures of underwear or something?" Mariya asked.

"Yes," Kanako replied bluntly.

"At least have a little more faith in me than that!" Mariya wailed, looking up at the taller girl with tears in his eyes.

 _'He's the most dangerous type of person on earth!'_ Kanako realized as her heart sped up. _'The kind of person you can't help falling in love with, despite his crimes against humanity as a whole!'_

"Shut up and get out of my school."

"I can't! If I do that, I would be separated from you, my queen!"

"Sh-shut up!"

 _'Forget the earth, he's the most dangerous person to live in this cosmos!'_

* * *

 **After several minutes of speculation, I concluded that without the fear of Mariya touching her and giving her hives and her fear of men in general, Kanako would be too busy being perverted to actually be scared of Mariya. What do you think?**

 **This AU is pretty interesting, so I might continue it sometime.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	53. Continuation

Chapter CONTINUATION: This is the equivalent of the Miki chapter in the body swap AU

Alternate Title: _Is it bad that I have even more pity for body swap AU Shizu than canon Shizu?_

* * *

"Your sister? You have a sister?" Kanako asked, looking up from her homework in confusion. "There's no one related to you in the school database, unless you count that creepy cousin of yours..."

"She goes to Mori-no-Mihoshi," Mariya explained.

"...the boy's school. She goes to the boy's school. Why couldn't you just go to school normally?" Kanako asked in exasperation.

"If I did that, I wouldn't be able to meet such cute girls!" Mariya exclaimed, cheery grin on his face. "Ah, surrounded on a twenty-four hour basis by beautiful ladies, even having a queen as my roommate, this truly is heaven!"

"If you have the time to go off on one of your perverted fantasies, then use that time to answer my question," The icy-eyed girl commanded.

"Yes, ma'am!" Mariya saluted.

"Why in the goddamn world are you going to the girl's school while your sister is going to the boy's school?" Kanako demanded, crossing her arms as she glared at the boy.

"Well, I wanted to be surrounded by beautiful girls. She wanted to get over her fear of men."

"You through your sister into the boy's school, when she is explicitly afraid of men, just to hit on girls," Kanako reiterated in disbelief.

"She agreed to it," Mariya replied.

"Honestly, I pity your sister," Kanako sighed. "First she has to deal with a brother like you, then she has to suffer in the boy's school, all because of your perversion."

"Hey, I'm a great brother!" Mariya protested. "I give her gifts all the time, and protect her from bullies! I can't help but spoil her! She's the cutest little sister ever!"

"Aren't you twins? And isn't she your only sister?"

"So?! That's not the point! She's still the cutest!" Mariya yelled.

"Stop being so loud, you're giving me a headache," Kanako ordered.

Mariya clamped his hands over his mouth, trying to stifle any sounds that could have emerged from him.

"Thanks," Kanako muttered offhandedly, causing Mariya to gasp.

"To have a queen's gratitude, this really is the best!" Mariya squealed, trying to cover up the blush on his face with his hands.

"STOP BLEEDING ON MY HOMEWORK! I HAVE TO HAND THIS IN, YOU KNOW!"

"I'm so sorry, my queen! Please, punish me as you wish!" Mariya offered.

"LIKE HELL I WILL, YOU PERVERT!" Kanako screamed as she threw a pillow at the cross-dresser.

 _'Shit,'_ Kanako only realized her mistake when Mariya wrapped his arms around the pillow, burying his completely pink face in it and staining the pillow case scarlet.

"You can keep that pillow."

"A gift from the queen herself! I will treasure it forever!"

"STOP MISINTERPRETING MY ACTIONS LIKE THAT! IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT A BLOOD-STAINED PILLOW!"

"Ah, my heart won't stop beating so fast... When you deny your kindness and act all queenly like that, I can't stop my nose from bleeding!"

"Sh-Sh-shut the fuck up and die, pervert!"

* * *

"I'm so sorry you had to see that, Miss Shidou," Kanako said, wiping the blood off her shoes.

"Don't worry about it," Shizu smiled good-naturedly and waved it off, careful to avoid the pool of blood originating from her brother's nose. "I'm already used to it."

"You can sit on my bed if you want, Miss Shidou," Kanako offered, pulling out the chair from the desk and taking a seat on it.

"Ah, thank you for your kindness," The red-eyed girl sat down with a smile.

Mariya groaned, rising from the floor and wiping the blood from his nose.

"Oh, you're up," Kanako noted with boredom as she turned towards Shizu. "Honestly, I feel bad for you, having to deal with him since birth."

"No, no, I'm sure you have had it worse," Shizu deflected politely. "I mean, he always left me out of his perverted antics because I was his sister, but now you have to both live with him and deal with him trying to eye you up."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Mariya protested.

"But at least I don't have to go to a boy's school for his perversion," Kanako ignored the bleeding blonde, still continuing her conversation with Shizu.

"W-well, at least I can try to get over my fear of men there, so it's not like its all bad..." Shizu replied shyly, also ignoring her brother.

"You're both ignoring me!"

"Shut up," Kanako ordered, crossing her arms and her legs, glaring at the younger boy. "If you want my forgiveness, get on the ground and beg for it."

"You really shouldn't give him ideas, Kanako..." Shizu said awkwardly as her brother kneeled before the older girl.

Turning at the blonde with an icy glare, Kanako terrified Shizu as she spoke.

" _ **Did I say you could call me by my first name, bitch?**_ "

"I-I-I'm s-so sorry!" Shizu shrieked.

"If you're truly sorry, then get down on the ground with your brother and beg for forgiveness," Kanako ordered.

Shizu did as she was told, utterly terrified of the girl she had a pleasant conversation with.

"And don't worry, Miss Shidou!" Kanako exclaimed with a beaming smile, delighting the perverted boy and horrifying the blonde girl even more. "I've already arranged for your transfer from Mori-no-Mihoshi to Ame-no-Kisaki. You'll be in class 1-A with your brother."

"H-hold on, don't you need my consent for that!?"

"No, I really don't," Ignoring Shizu's protest, Kanako continued speaking. "Anyways, you'll be rooming with Ryuuken Ishima, a third-year and member of the kendo club. She's kind, but a bit air-headed. She'll treat you well."

"Don't decide these things for me!" Shizu protested.

"Do you really think, _you_ , a commoner with an income under seven digits, can tell _me,_ an angel sent down from heaven to bless the world with my presence, what to do?" Kanako asked, a demonic grin on her face.

Shizu didn't protest further, instead keeping her head down.

In that day, Kanako Miyamae, daughter of the former chairman and queen of the Ame-no-Kisaki, gained another servant.

* * *

 **Somehow, I find body swap AU Kanako is more terrifying than canon Mariya...**

 **Though a lot of the terror factor is negated when you see Mariya's reaction to her treating him like shit.**

 **Oh well.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	54. Baking!

**Do not own Maria Holic.**

Chapter Yay: Baking!

Alternate Title: _My name is Mariya Shidou, and I'm pretending to be my sister_

* * *

"Hi Shizu!" Kanako smiles at me, opening the door with a bang. Behind her, I can see various utensils and ingredients neatly placed on top of the counter.

If she can be organized in the kitchen, why can't she organize our room?!

Well, I would say that if I could, but Shizu wouldn't dream of saying something so rude.

Instead, I grin bashfully and wave at my roommate (though she doesn't know it's me), saying, "Hey Kana! Thanks for offering to help me with my Home Economics! I really needed it!"

That's a lie, by the way. Both me and Shizu have near perfect scores in Home Economics, though Kanako has no way of knowing Shizu's grades and I'm not here for the homework help.

No, the real reason I'm here is because of the girl who quickly ushered me inside the kitchen, a bright, beaming smile on her face as she started her unnecessary lesson. Kanako Miyamae.

"So! We'll be making some chocolate-chip cookies!" Kanako announces, tying a cute apron around her waist and neck and handing one to me as well. I put it on quickly, eagerly turning towards the taller girl to see if I have her approval.

As expected, I do.

"Wah! You're so cute, Shizu!" Kanako exclaims, a little blood dripping out of her nose. I have to resist the urge to reprimand her, instead putting on a worried expression.

"Oh no! You're bleeding!" I gasp, scrambling to grab a paper towel from the counter.

"I'm fine!" Kanako yells, too fast to be true.

"If you're sure..." I trail off, wearing a face of doubt and worry.

"I'm sure, I'm fine," Kanako reassures me, wiping off the blood and washing her hands at the sink.

I follow her lead, tying my hair back into a ponytail, making a small joke about a horror movie I had once watched with my sister, and laughing as Kanako pales at the mention of ghosts.

Kanako shifts into her supreme chef mode with a smile, giving tips and instructions whenever she deems it necessary. (Though it really isn't, considering how I know what I'm doing)

It's surprisingly fun, being in this kind of romance manga situation with Kanako, having conversations with her while mixing the batter and while waiting for the cookies to finish baking.

I notice that Kanako had a bit of batter stuck on her face. It's so, _so_ tempting to wipe it off and make some seductive comment, maybe even lick it off my finger in a poorly-disguised attempt at flirting... but if I did that, you would be able to tell from the itching of the hives that I'm not Shizu, so for now, I have to resist.

The oven beeps loudly, meaning the cookies have finished. Kanako makes her way over and pulls the trays out with a flourish. How overdramatic.

"Wow! They look delicious, Kanako!" I exclaimed with a look of awe and amazement on my face.

And for the first time in our entire conversation, my words are completely honest. The half-melted chocolate resting on top of shining cookies, the smell of heat and sugar wafting from the metal tray... I almost grab one and eat it, only to remind myself of the inevitable burns that would result from said action. No. Bad Mariya. No cookie until later.

"Hey, Shizu," Kanako calls out, her voice fading away as she speaks.

"Yes?" I say as I turn towards her, a bright smile on my face as I await whatever stupid question she has to ask me-

"Mariya, why are you pretending to be Shizu?"

I can't hide my flinch at her words. But if she already figured it out, it really is pointless to try and cover it up.

"Well, if you're going to eat the cookies, at least wait until they cool first," Kanako adds, skipping ahead in the conversation at least five lines, not letting me say my piece.

I'm not sure how to react, instead ignoring Kanako's words and eating a cookie anyways, ignoring the heat in favour of savouring the sweet taste of chocolate-chip cookies, my already-delectable cooking boosted with Kanako's aid. Maybe her tips were useful after all.

"If you eat them right away, you'll get burns," Kanako states.

"Since when did you care?" I ask with raised brows.

Kanako blushes and stammers at my question, instead grabbing a cookie and shoving it in her mouth, only to recoil when she realizes how hot it was. I give her credit for swallowing the cookie anyways.

I laugh as she sticks her tongue out at me, both to expose her tongue to the air outside her mouth in hopes of cooling it off and to serve as a response to my laughter.

I grab another cookie off the tray and offer it to Kanako jokingly, almost laughing when she flinches away from the source of her pain. Instead, I gently take bites out of the treat, amused by Kanako's attempts to cool off her tongue.

She was in the middle of opening the freezer when I call out to her, teasingly offering another _steaming hot_ cookie, putting extra emphasis on the steaming hot part. Kanako turns away with a mock dignified expression and puts an ice cube in her mouth.

It's really fun, spending time with Kanako like this. I should dress up as Shizu more often.

* * *

 **I'm really sad because I couldn't end the chapter with 'For the first time in the entire story, the chapter-ending, ear-piercing scream was not supplied by my roommate, but emerging from my own mouth.' because it didn't fit Mariya's character.**

 **Oh well.**

 **I hope you enjoy this chapter, have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update! :D**


	55. Sleepy

**No.**

Chapter Sleepover: ...so sleepy...

Alternate Title: _You know it's obvious when something like this happens._

* * *

"And that is the story of how Kanako nearly got married by a tentacle monster," Mariya concluded, smiling as the trio on the floor applauded his story-telling skills.

"It sounds so unbelievable..." Yuzuru murmured to herself.

"You're really good at telling stories, Mariya!" Sachi cheered as she clapped.

"What an interesting story," Kiri stated.

"Mariya, you're embarrassing me!" Kanako whined as she hugged her teddy bear tightly.

"Oh, Kanako, that's a cute bear!" Sachi exclaimed. "Where did you get it?"

"Uh, me and Mariya went to an amusement park a few days ago," Kanako explained. "She won it for me. I call it Ai."

 _'She named a gift from Mariya after love...'_ Yuzuru noted, humming as she stored this information away for a future use.

"Ah, if you say it like that, you'll embarrass me!" Mariya declared, burying his face in his hands to hide the blush forming on his face. "But I'm glad you won me something too."

"What would that something be, Mariya?" Kiri inquired.

"That's a secret~!" Mariya replied with a wink.

"I got her a phone charm," Kanako stated plainly.

"Don't tell them outright!" Mariya protested. "That takes out all the fun!"

"B-but if you say something all secretive and weird like that, they're bound to take it the wrong way!"

 _'Note Four-Hundred-and-Sixty-Three: The activity known as a 'sleepover' is a strange and oddly interesting sport. Investigate if needed,'_ Kiri thought to herself.

"Ah, Kanako, I've been meaning to ask this earlier, but where will we sleep?" Sachi asked.

"Um, if it's alright with you, I was hoping we could all share my bed," Kanako stated. "I didn't want to bother Mariya, especially when we already did something like have a surprise slumber party without telling her..."

"Don't worry about it, Kanako," Mariya said, with a kind and fake smile that made Kanako worry about it and her chances of survival.

Without further ado, the Kanako and her classmates attempted to fit into her bed.

The key word being _attempted._

"Oh."

Kanako looked at her bed with disappointment in her eyes as she found that Yuzuru, Sachi and Kiri took up her entire bed, not leaving even nearly enough space for her to squeeze in between them.

"I guess I'll just sleep on the floor then," Kanako said to herself, nearly in tears since she would not be able to grope any of her classmates in her sleep. She made her way to the drawer, where Mariya hid a futon in case Matsurika wanted to sleep in their room. At least if she slept in the same futon the maid slept in, she would fall asleep surrounded by Matsurika's scent, which was still something.

"Waaaaaaaaah!" Sachi wailed, actual tears in her eyes as she threw herself at the taller girl. "I'm so sorry Kanako! We didn't mean to kick you out of your bed!"

"It's okay, Sachi," Kanako reassured her friend, revelling in the bliss she felt from feeling the orange-haired girl wrap her arms around her.

"Why don't you share a bed with Mariya, Kanako?" Kiri suggested. "You are roommates and good friends, so I do not see any complications arising from this arrangement."

"Yes, that sounds like a good idea!" Mariya agreed, shocking his roommate.

"E-e-eh, y-you d-don't have t-to do that for me, M-Mariya," Kanako stammered, her face turning red as she tried to think up excuses.

"Do you not want to sleep with me, Kanako?" Mariya asked, a look of sadness on his face.

 _'Oh fuck no, I'm not falling for that.'_

"I-it's just that, you know, I don't want to be a b-b-bother, s-since I've a-already done something wrong b-by not telling you about the sleepover in the first place, s-so I really, really, don't want to place this burden on you," Kanako rambled.

Mariya took her hands in his own, clasping them tightly as he spoke, a smile on his face ( _one that was surely from how Kanako was already suffering from hives and she hadn't even gotten on the bed yet._ )

"You could never be a bother to me, Kanako! You're my precious g- I mean, roommate, after all!" Mariya declared.

Yuzuru eyed the two of them suspiciously, while Sachi called out encouragement.

"I-I-I guess I could..." Kanako muttered.

"We're sorry for forcing you out of your bed, Kanako," Yuzuru said.

"Good night Kanako!"

"Good night."

"Y-yeah, good night," Kanako replied nervously as she turned off the lights.

* * *

Kanako laid down as far as possible from Mariya on the bed, nearly falling off in her attempt to avoid his touch.

"What was that for?!" She hissed at the blonde.

"Don't you think it hurt my feelings when there was a slumber party in our room and you didn't even tell me?" Mariya responded, voice still in his falsetto. Kanako reminded herself that he was doing so in case the trio on her bed was listening, and his meaning was something more along the lines of _'Goddammit bitch, it's difficult enough hiding my gender from these people in class, but you had to invite them into our room too?'_

"I'm sorry," Kanako replied, though she knew Mariya could tell her meaning was something more along the lines of, _'Please spare me, o cruel and sadistic demon, and I'll make some of your favourite treats.'_

"It's alright. I can't be mad at my beautiful roommate, after all." _'Those treats better be fucking delicious, or I'll destroy everything you love.'_

"Thank you for your forgiveness, Mariya." _'Please don't murder me.'_

"It's no problem at all, Kanako. Make sure you get a good night's sleep." _'Good luck getting to sleep when I'm in the same bed. That's what you get.'_

"Good night, Mariya." _'I hate you so fucking much.'_

* * *

Despite being the most sensible person in Kanako's class, Yuzuru Inamori did not know Mariya well enough to read the double meaning behind his words, instead taking them at face value as she gently whispered to Sachi and Kiri.

"I think they might be dating."

"What evidence do you have?" Kiri asked, unfazed by the proclamation as Sachi gasped beside her.

"They went to an amusement together, got each other gifts, Kanako is desperate to gain Mariya's forgiveness after a minor offense and Mariya's obviously flirting," Yuzuru listed, counting off her fingers as she spoke. "Kanako seems to want to hide it, while Mariya's much more open about their relationship."

"What do you propose we do about it?" Kiri inquired.

"Well, even if it hurts that Kanako won't tell us, we should respect her privacy and not bring it up-"

Yuzuru was cut off by the pain of Sachi's knee pressing into her chest.

"Sachi, what are you _doing?_ " The golden-eyed archer hissed, wincing as the orange-haired girl accidentally kicked her in the face.

"I-I-I forgot to-to, um, take out my contacts! Yes, that's right!" Sachi lied, far too loudly and too nervous to convince anyone.

"You don't wear contacts," Kiri stated.

"You're trying to see what Kanako and Mariya are doing, aren't you?" Yuzuru accused.

"...yes..." Sachi admitted, unable to continue lying.

"Please remember to take pictures," Kiri stated.

"What?! No! We are trying to protect Kanako's privacy!" Yuzuru whisper-yelled in an attempt to keep the other two under control.

"Of course, Nanami!" Sachi saluted, standing up and pulling her phone out of her bag.

The cheery girl practically bounced over to the other bed, checking first to see if both occupants were asleep, before turning on her phone's light and taking several pictures.

"All done!"

"GET BACK IN BED BEFORE EITHER OF THEM NOTICE."

"Please remember to send me the picture tomorrow."

"KIRI STOP THAT."

* * *

Kanako woke up on the floor, with cramps and pains all over her body that stretching wasn't able to banish.

Her classmates were gone, and Mariya still seemed to be asleep, which was odd, but a fact that Kanako was thankful for nonetheless. Pulling on her school clothes, Kanako made her way towards the door, before glancing over her shoulder at the blonde guiltily.

 _'That's right, this is an act of self-preservation!'_ Kanako tried to convince herself as she approached the bed. _'If Mariya is late for class and he blames it on me, I'll die later, so this is all in my own self-interest!'_

Gently shaking the bed as she leaned over the sleeping boy, Kanako called out to him, saying, "Wake up, wake up, Mariya, wake up!"

"The fuck do you want?!" Mariya yelled in annoyance as he sat up, nearly bumping Kanako in the head.

"I was going to wake you up for class," Kanako exclaimed, backing away from the pissed-off blonde.

"... um, thanks, I guess," Mariya mumbled, diverting his eyes from the taller girl as he blushed.

"I'm going now," Kanako announced as she left the room.

"...bye."

* * *

"They're cute!" Sachi squealed, staring at her phone.

"You shouldn't have your phone out in class," Yuzuru scolded the blue-eyed girl. "The teacher might take it."

"They are cute," Kiri agreed.

"Good morning!" Kanako cried out as she entered the classroom.

Sachi put away her phone quickly, as the trio greeted Kanako with a smile.

Kanako was confused, but didn't bother asking.

And thus, she never discovered the picture of her and Mariya, laying side-by-side, arms wrapped around each other with smiles on both their faces that were stored inside her three friends' phones.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by sonicfan2000. Yay!**

 **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW.**

 **That is all. Thank you for reading.**

 **I hope you had a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	56. Stalkers

**Don't own Maria Holic.**

Chapter Are They Stalkers Or Friends? : This is how misunderstandings are born

Alternate Title: _The Homeroom Trio get creepy!_

* * *

"Are you sure we should do this?" Yuzuru asked, trying her best to act as her role as voice of reason dictated she should. She _did_ want to know, but not like this.

"Of course we should! I didn't bring these spy suits for nothing!"Sachi declared, pulling said spy suits from her pocket.

"You were curious as to Kanako and Mariya's relationship, weren't you?" Kiri inquired.

"Well, yes, but..."

"And if we are to respect Kanako's privacy and not ask her, this is the only way to find out," Kiri reasoned.

 _'This isn't respecting Kanako's privacy at all!'_ Yuzuru thought to herself as the other two girls pulled off their clothes.

Yuzuru faltered, before screaming.

"AT LEAST GO TO THE WASHROOM BEFORE TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES!" The archer commanded, her face bright red as her two friends left her room, still partially undressed.

Yuzuru Inamori had the weirdest friends in the entire school.

* * *

"Sachi, we're drawing attention from the other passengers..." Yuzuru whispered in an attempt to inform the orange-haired girl of the ridiculousness of their outfits. It was true, the other passengers on the bus were staring at them with wariness in their eyes.

Sachi wasn't listening, instead leaning out of the seat and narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"Mariya just laid her head down on Kanako's lap," Sachi announced. "I still can't hear what they're saying though."

( _"Mariya, what are you doing?"_

 _"There's a weirdo a couple seats back staring at us."_

 _"What does that have to do with you laying down on my lap?"_

 _"If we have an audience, might as well put on a show."_

 _"Oh."_ )

"Oh, look!" Sachi exclaimed, shaking Yuzuru with one hand as the other pointed back at the couple. Kiri ignored her two friends, instead continuing to read her book.

"What am I supposed to be looking at?" Yuzuru asked.

"Kanako started petting Mariya's head!"

( _"Make sure to pet my hair too, so it looks more convincing."_

 _"Uh huh."_

 _"You're surprisingly compliant today."_

 _"If I didn't cooperate, you'd yell at me, which would break our image as a couple, which would make you yell more."_

 _"Huh. So you are capable of logic."_

 _"Don't sound so shocked!"_ )

"Sachi, what we're doing is called stalking. Stalking is not something a friend can do to a friend," Yuzuru explained in an attempt to deter the orange-haired girl from continuing.

Sachi gasped, but not at Yuzuru's words.

"They're kissing!" Sachi exclaimed.

( _Kanako didn't move a muscle as Mariya placed his hand on the back of her neck and lifted himself up to press their lips together. She didn't react, even when she felt the itchiness of hives crawl up and down her skin._

 _"You're surprisingly quiet, especially when I just stole your first kiss," Mariya said after they separated._

 _"I have plenty of time to panic later, in our room. And besides, if I freaked out now, it would make it seem like we're not a couple," Kanako replied, boredom in her tone._ )

"SACHI CALM DOWN," Yuzuru ordered, trying her best to deal with the hyperactive pigtailed girl.

"But-they're-a-couple-now-it's-official-yay-they'll-be-so-happy-together-"

"CALM DOWN."

"But-"

"CALM. DOWN."

Kiri turned the page, completely tuning out her friends. She also provided a perfect transition to the next scene.

* * *

Years of reading in the hallways between classes had given Nanami Kiri the ability to walk while reading, even dodging nearby people with ease and grace.

Yuzuru had no clue about this ability, instead warning Kiri, saying, "If you read while walking like that, you're going to crash into something."

"They're going into a clothing store!" Sachi declared, pointing at the store.

"That's nice, Sachi," Yuzuru replied, pulling Kiri out of the way of a nearby pedestrian.

"Mariya's gathering a bunch of clothes," Sachi noted as she peered inside the store window.

"That's nice Sachi," Yuzuru repeated as she once again pulled Kiri out of the way of a collision.

"Oh, those clothes are for Kanako," Sachi stated, as she watched Mariya give every single piece of clothing to the older girl, whose jaw dropped.

( _"Mariya, there's no way I can afford any of these!"_

 _"Nonsense! What kind of date would it be if I didn't get any gifts for my darling girlfriend?"_

 _"You're going to make me pay you back for this, aren't you."_

 _"Of course!"_

 _"I guess I should make macaroons then..."_

 _"If they're the coconut cream ones, I'll buy you something you actually want."_

 _"Deal."_ )

"How cute!" Sachi squealed. "Mariya is paying for all those clothes!"

"That's nice. Sachi," Yuzuru repeated again as she tugged Kiri away from the road, worried that her bespectacled friend might be hit by a car.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Sachi asked, turned her back to the store to see Yuzuru desperately trying to prevent Kiri from walking straight into the store window.

"Oh."

Nanami Kiri was nowhere near as skilled at walking while reading as she thought she was.

* * *

"Sachi, can we change out of these clothes? We're getting weird looks from the background characters."

"They're getting ice cream!" Sachi announced, ignoring Yuzuru's inquiry.

"Interesting. I'm going to change, go take care of Kiri," Yuzuru ordered, rushing to the bathroom with the bag she had put their clothes in.

"Are you going to take pictures?" Kiri asked, eyes still focussed on her book.

"Of course!" Sachi exclaimed, pulling a small pin out of her pocket and affixing it to her spy suit. "I brought this camera pin because I thought it might be useful."

"Excellent forethought."

"Thank you!"

Several tables away, between licks of her ice cream, Kanako quietly whispered to her 'date'.

"Does it feel like we're being watched?"

Mariya shrugged, saying, "It's probably just Father Kanae."

"That doesn't make it any better! And aren't you a bit too nonchalant for someone being stalked?!" Kanako shrieked.

"That man's a useless pervert who couldn't pose a danger to me even if he tried. Much like you."

"Hey, don't you dare compare me to Father Kanae! I'm not a stalker!"

"You're just as perverted though."

"Hey!"

* * *

"Ah, they're headed for the bus," Yuzuru noted.

"We should go too!"Sachi declared, taking off in a sprint, leaving her two friends behind.

"She's definitely going to be labelled as a crazy person..." Yuzuru muttered to herself, dragging Kiri behind her as she walked towards the bus stop like any normal person would.

"That does not concern either of us," Kiri stated as she flipped another page.

"You're not even a little worried about your friend?!" Yuzuru exclaimed in disbelief.

"Hurry! They're getting on!" Sachi yelled, interrupting the other two girls and dragging them towards the bus stop.

Yuzuru sighed.

What troublesome friends she had.

* * *

Kanako sighed with relief when she and Mariya stepped inside their dorm room, and she was finally able to drop the mountain of clothes Mariya had bought her on the floor.

"I'll start baking those macaroons for you now," Kanako declared, making her way towards the door.

"Wait," Mariya ordered, grabbing Kanako's arm, ignoring the scream of protest from the older girl.

"I love you," The blonde confessed, averting his eyes from his roommate with his face as red as blood.

"Mariya, there's no one here to hear you, there's no point in pretending to be a couple anymore," Kanako stated.

"That's not what I mean!" Mariya yelled, shocking the taller girl. "I-I had fun, being able to walk around, buying things for you, holding hands with you at the store, and k-kissing you! So I want to do it more, okay?!"

"Oh, you want me to be your sex slave as well as your sweet slave and general chew toy," Kanako reasoned.

"No!" Mariya glared. "Kanako Miyamae, please become my girlfriend!"

"What?"

"Are you deaf?! I said, become my girlfriend!"

"Oh," Kanako said plainly.

"Well? What's your answer?" Mariya demanded impatiently, pouting as he placed his hands on his hips.

 _'He's a tsundere! And a cute one!'_ Kanako realized.

"...I guess you're cute enough to make up for the fact that you're a boy," Kanako muttered to herself.

"Say in a word or less," Mariya ordered, crossing his arms over his chest. "Yes or no?"

"...yes..." Kanako whispered, turning away from the blonde. "But I-"

Mariya was so ecstatic he threw himself at the older girl, cutting off her words as he tackled her in a huge hug.

 _'Adorable! He's so tsundere, it's adorable!'_

* * *

"Kanako! You and Mariya are dating, right?!" Sachi demanded, ignoring the amber-eyed archer shushing her from a distance.

"Y-yeah," Kanako confirmed awkwardly. "How did you know?"

"Woman's intuition," Yuzuru answered for the orange-haired girl, even covering Sachi's mouth, just in case.

( _Because really, how do you tell your friend that you stalked her in a spy suit on her first date?_ )

* * *

 **The worst part about the log-in page being all weird was that it meant that I couldn't upload this yesterday. Sorry about that!**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	57. BAD END

**I don't own Maria Holic, or any characters in it.**

Chapter Dating Sims? Again? : One extra scenario

Alternate Title: _Boom, murder time_

* * *

 **"I love you, Kanako!"** The virtual version of Yuzuru exclaimed, before large pink cursive appeared at the bottom-left corner of the screen.

 _Yuzuru's Good End_

 **"Hold on,"** Another voice called out, Mariya's sprite appearing on-screen, next to Yuzuru and Kanako's sprites.

 **"Huh? Shidou?"** The game-Yuzuru called out tentatively. **"What are you doing here-"**

Blood spilled everywhere, splattered on Kanako's sprite, dripping off of Mariya's knife.

 **"M-Mariya?! What are you doing?!"** Kanako demanded, wiping the blood off her face.

 **"I had to get rid of an obstacle, that's all,"** The virtual blonde said casually.

 **"You call killing Yuzuru 'getting rid of an obstacle?!'"**

 **"Don't worry so much, she'll be back next play-through,"** Mariya stated dismissively.

 **"Huh?"** Kanako gasped as she felt the knife be plunged into her own stomach, screaming as her sprite faded away.

 **"Hey, you,"** Game-Mariya called out, facing the screen head-on. **"You made Kanako break our promise, remember? She was supposed to be mine,** ** _forever_** **. So next loop, you better choose my path, and the next, and the next, got it?"**

( CHOICE: **No, I refuse!** )

( CHOICE: **I understand** )

 **"It doesn't really matter what choice you choose,"** Mariya called out, cutting through the choice stripes with his knife. **"If you try to disobey, I'll show up and ruin your happy ending again. Which means that until you obey, you'll get punished, over and over and over again. That's all there is to it."**

With a smile on his bloodstained face, Mariya wrote a message on the screen in bright scarlet.

 ** _'BAD END: TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME!'_**

* * *

 **"I believe that these feelings I have for you... they may be called romantic attraction,"** Virtual-Kiri confessed.

 _Kiri's Good End_

 **"You just don't learn, do you?"** Mariya exclaimed, before both Kiri and Kanako screamed, blood splattering on the blonde as he removed his knife from Kiri's eye socket.

 **"No matter how many times this happens, it's not going to change,"** Mariya stated, before pointing his knife at the screen.

 **"So hurry up and make the right choice,"** Mariya ordered, before writing the same message as before on the screen in blood.

 ** _'BAD END: TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME!'_**

* * *

 **"Kana, I'll treat you well! I'll be the best girlfriend possible for you!"** Shizu promised, hugging the taller girl tightly.

 _Shizu's Good End_

 **"Sorry Sis, not going to happen,"** Mariya retorted, stabbing the his roommate with an already-bloodstained knife.

 **"What?! Mariya, what are you doing?!"** Shizu demanded.

 **"Forcing time to repeat,"** Mariya stated simply, before pointing the knife at his twin. **"Any last words?"**

 **"You're insane,** " Shizu spat out in disgust, before the sharpened blade of the knife ripped through her skin and the muscles underneath.

 **"Ugh, how disgusting. If the game actually showed her body, they'd have to censor it,"** Mariya muttered to himself before turning towards the screen.

 **"You're trying to test my patience, right? Trying to see if I would spare you from the bad end this time because you picked my sister? It's not going to work,"** Mariya claimed. **"It doesn't matter if they die. They'll be back soon anyways."**

Mariya scowled, before writing the same message on the screen in blood.

 ** _'BAD END: TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME!'_**

* * *

 **"I'll protect you, from anyone who tries to hurt you, from anything that might bring you to tears. This I swear,"** Ryuuken proclaimed.

 _Ryuuken's Good End_

 **"No, no you won't,"** Mariya replied, slitting the brunette's throat, before turning on his roommate.

 **"Sorry Kanako,"** Mariya said sadly. **"You have to die again because the idiot who's controlling you won't stop making you choose other people. I'll try to make it painless."**

A quick stab to the heart, and Kanako's sprite faded away.

 **"You're starting to get annoying,"** Mariya grumbled, his sprite changing to show him crossing his arms. **"Even if you know it's futile, you keep choosing other paths, keep heading head-first into the same ending. Seriously, just give up! I'll keep inflicting the same damn punishment on you, again and again, until you choose my path! So wise up and do what I tell you already!"**

 ** _'BAD END: TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME!'_**

* * *

 **"I'll love you forever and ever, Kanako!"** Game-Sachi promised.

 _Sachi's Good End_

 **"I'm the only one who's allowed to promise that!"** Mariya declared as he stabbed the orange-haired girl and her lover with his used knife.

 **"I'm getting tired of this!"** Mariya growled, glaring at the screen with fury in his eyes. **"How many times do I need to murder every other love interest in the game before you choose me again?! How many times do I need to show you the 'Game Over' screen until you make Kanako promise her love to me again?!"**

The blonde attacked the screen, painful screeching noises emitting from the speakers as the knife scratched the glass, leaving the same message as before, only in bloodstained scratches on the screen.

 ** _'BAD END: TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME!'_**

* * *

 **"I suppose I'll allow you to be my slave,"** Matsurika said coldly.

 _Matsurika's Good End_

 **"No, no, NO!"** Mariya cried out, rushing onto the scene with a knife in his hands. He stabbed the virtual Matsurika with a panicked expression on his face.

He turned to Kanako's sprite, knife still in his hand.

 **"You love me! You love me and no interference from some player will change that!"** Mariya shrieked.

 **"Mariya? What are you doing?!"** Kanako asked in fear.

 **"Making you** ** _mine,_** **"** Mariya replied as he slit the taller girl's throat, before turning towards the screen.

 **"Are you happy now?!"** Mariya demanded, eyes blank and frown across his face as he screamed. **"There are no more paths for you to go down! You've seen everything that can happen! You've even found Matsurika's secret route! Are you satisfied yet?! Are you going to give it up yet?! How many times do we have to do this before Kanako can confess her love to me again?!"**

He stabbed at the screen, again and again, never leaving anything more than a scratch and never accomplishing anything more than damaging his knife further.

The bloodstained blonde froze when he heard his phone ring.

 **"Yes?"** He said as he answered the call.

 **"Hello, Miss Shidou,"** God's cheery voice replied. **"There is a very happy surprise for you! I've updated the game! Simply force the game to start over, and you'll see the new changes!"**

 **"Thank you very much God!"** Mariya replied, before shutting off his phone with a smile stretched across his face.

He laughed, a booming cackle that caused his shoulders to shake and his knees to buckle as he struggled to continue standing, only to fail and slump to the ground, still laughing in delusional elation.

 **"God, you are far too kind!"** Mariya exclaimed, a twitching grin on his face as he tried to contain his laughter. His smile looked fragile and hastily pieced together, as if a single push would break him and send him spiralling into the depths of insanity. **"Let's test these new features out, why don't we?"**

Tightening his grip on the knife handle, Mariya once again etched the familiar message onto the surface of the screen, amongst the scratches he left before.

 ** _'BAD END: TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME!'_**

* * *

 **"Let's see... You can't save, can't load any old saves, can't restart the game, even if you find some way to force the game to an earlier save, those have all been deleted..."** Mariya smiled as he read the list of new features. **"How wonderful! Now, let's see which choice you choose** ** _this_** **time!"**

Mariya's laughter faded away as the main menu appeared on screen, with the 'LOAD SAVE' option cut in half to show that it could not be selected.

With no other choice, the cursor selected the 'NEW GAME' option.

* * *

 **"I-I'm not sure what we are, exactly,"** Kanako admitted. **"B-but don't take that the wrong way!"**

Mariya laughed, a smile stretching across his face as he spoke **, "Oh? So how am I supposed to interpret it, huh?"**

 **"Anything except for friendship!"** Kanako exclaimed.

 **"Even if I say we're dating?"** Mariya asked teasingly.

 **"I-I-I-I, no!"** Kanako stuttered, a bright blush appearing on her face. **"I'm not required to explain anything to you!"**

The blonde smiled, before pressing a soft kiss to the taller girl's cheek. (Though he had to go on his toes to do so)

 **"ARGH! THE HIVES! I HATE YOU!"** Kanako shrieked.

Mariya simply let out a small laugh, whispering under his breath.

 **"Finally."**

Virtual Kanako never noticed the knife hidden under her roommate's bed, dripping blood from its' damaged blade.

 _Good End: I-I'm not saying anything, okay!_

* * *

 **This chapter was inspired from 'Kimi to Kanojo to Kanojo no Koi', a dating sim that I literally know nothing about except that if you complete one path after another path, the girl from the first path will murder everyone because the player 'broke their promise of eternal love'. And then she forces the game to restart.**

 **And we already have a yandere, and a dating sim, and the yandere is also a fourth-wall breaker, so why not try the same thing with our dating sim?**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	58. Kanako no not again

**No.**

Chapter : Many a true word has been spoken in jest

Alternate Title: _That is a quote from a comment on a yaoi manga I read before._

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Kanako was capable of noticing the suspicious behaviour of people around her and drawing certain conclusions based off of her observations.

The only problem was that most of the time, those conclusions were either completely incorrect or only partially right.

Like the time that Kanako screamed "I LOVE YOU!" after one of Mariya's rare acts of kindness and noticed that he blushed bright red and started stammering, before screaming at her. The conclusion Kanako drew from that experience was that Mariya had a weakness against the words 'I love you'.

Needless to say, she was only partially right.

* * *

"I love you Mariya!" Kanako exclaimed with a smile.

The blonde, who had been in the middle of scolding her, faltered and blushed, sputtering out incoherent words at the older girl. After a few seconds of this, Mariya regained his composure, crossing his arms and turning his head away from the taller girl, muttering, "You shouldn't say things you don't mean..."

"Huh? Did you say something?" Kanako asked, leaning towards Mariya's face to see if he was alright. "You're bright red... Are you sick or something?"

"What? No! Of course not, dumbass!" Mariya yelled. "Why the fuck are you pulling out some cliché line like that?!"

 _'Ah, so he's weak against 'Oblivious Love Interest Type' actions too,'_ Kanako noted, pulling away from the blonde.

"If you're sick, you can't torture me because you'll be stuck in bed. And I won't be the one to take care of you because you have a maid, so you'll be out of my hair for a long time," Kanako explained.

"Oh, so that's it," Mariya stated, though Kanako thought she heard some disappointment in his tone. She disregarded that observation. "Anyways, what do you think you're doing, saying stuff like 'I love you' out of the blue like that?! If you do that to just about anyone, they'll obviously get the wrong idea!"

"But I only say that to you," Kanako stated, careful to keep the smirk off her face when Mariya gasped and blushed again.

Kanako absolutely _loved_ knowing one of Mariya's weaknesses, especially when it resulted in such a cute expression from the blonde...

...but she made sure not to say that out loud.

* * *

 **Since Mariya's been bad lately and murdered everyone (multiple times), I thought it would be fitting to add a punishment chapter.**

 **Poor Mariya. Poor bastard.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	59. LIAR CHILD

**Nuh uh.**

Chapter HAHAHAHA: LIAR

Alternate Title: _Innocent children_

* * *

"Kanako, I'll die if you don't kiss me every day," Shizu claimed, pouting at the older girl.

"Really?" The five-year-old asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, my dad says it's because of estrogens and stuff. It's stuff girls have. I need to get a dose every day, or else I'll get sick or die, but it can't be from my sister or Matsurika or my mom 'cause they're all related to me," Shizu lied.

"That sounds really serious..." Kanako muttered. "Here, if it'll help..."

The taller girl bent over to press a kiss to the forehead of her younger friend.

"That won't work," Shizu stated, crossing his arms. "It has to be on the lips so the estrogens can travel into my blood stream."

"O-oh," Kanako gasped, before pressing a chaste kiss to the blonde's lips. "Will that work?"

"Yup! Thanks Kanako!"Shizu exclaimed with a smile. "Remember to kiss me tomorrow too!"

Little Kanako had no idea what she signed up for when she agreed.

* * *

Kanako gasped as her roommate gently shoved her to the bed, before feeling Mariya kiss her, nearly running out of breath before the blonde pulled away.

"Mariya, what are you doing?!" Kanako demanded. "That was my first kiss!"

"No it wasn't," Mariya replied. "You gave me your first kiss a long time ago, when you swore you would kiss me every day for the rest of our lives."

"I don't remember that!" Kanako protested.

"Well then, maybe kissing me again will help you recall?" Mariya suggested teasingly.

A whistle from the doorway caught both of their attentions.

God stood in the doorway, whistle in hand as she called out to the roommates, saying, "No illicit actions in the dorms without my permission!"

As Kanako sighed in relief, Mariya asked," Does that mean that we can perform illicit actions _with_ your permission?"

"Of course!" The cat-eared girl saluted.

"May we continue?" Mariya inquired.

"Yes, you may," God said with a sage nod. "Have fun!"

God closed the door with a thud, leaving Mariya and Kanako in their room alone.

Mariya turned towards Kanako with a smirk.

"Did you hear that? We have God's support!" Mariya announced with a smile.

And once again, the customary chapter-ending, ear-piercing scream was provided by Kanako Miyamae.

* * *

 **BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

 **This chapter was inspired by 'Yuri na Watashi to Akuma na Kanojo (?)', the love story of a lesbian who fears men and a sadistic boy from her childhood who shows up at her high school dressed as a cute girl.**

 **And no, it's not a Maria Holic fancomic.**

 **But seriously, look at that description and tell me you don't see Kanako and Mariya. Look me in the virtual eyes and tell me you don't see Kanako and Mariya.**

 **Anyways, hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	60. gasp it yaoi

**No, I do not own Maria Holic or any of the characters in it.**

Chapter &%*^&: Even the chapter title is censored

Alternate Title: _Poor_ _ **[CENSORED]**_ _. Again._

* * *

"E-excuse me!" **[CENSORED]** stammered, calling out to a boy walking past him.

"Hm? What's wrong?" The other boy asked as he turned back, revealing his untied necktie.

"Y-your necktie is a violation of the dorm dress code. If you'll just sit still, I can fix it for you."

"Since when was this your job?" The boy asked as **[CENSORED]** fixed his tie.

"I-I was v-voted the Assistant Dorm Supervisor last night..." **[CENSORED]** mumbled.

"Oh? Congrats," The other boy said, before waving and leaving the story for good.

 _'Even if you say that, the only reason I was chosen was because I was the only one who actually participated in the vote...'_ **[CENSORED]** recalled sadly as he continued his patrol.

 **[CENSORED]** was shocked out of his sorrowful trip down memory lane by the sound of voices coming from room 413; Kanako's room.

He slowly crept towards the door, careful to keep his steps light and soundless as he approached, ears straining to hear any more words.

"Please stop fidgeting, Master Kanako," Shizu's voice asked from behind the door, the butler sounding slightly amused whatever he was referring to. "Success requires both your mind and fingers to be calm."

"I'm sorry Shizu, it's just that this is my first time, and I really don't want this to, you know, fall apart on us..." Kanako responded.

"Relax, breathe, and then move your hands," Shizu instructed.

"Does-Does this look okay to you?" Kanako asked nervously, seemingly anxious about whatever the two were doing.

"Perfect," Shizu answered. "Now you move this here, and remember. Keep your breathing steady. If you're not calm, it won't be good."

"O-okay."

 **[CENSORED]** gulped as he wondered what to do.

He knew what the two of them were doing. And it was against the rules too. So that would mean that he stop them, right?

B-but if he did, then he would be invading on the privacy of his old friend, and quite possibly walking in on Kanako and his butler... like _that._

N-No! He was the assistant dorm supervisor, and even if he didn't earn his position, he still had a responsibility and a duty to do!

Gathering up his courage as he made up his mind, **[CENSORED]** took a key from the key ring he had been given as part of his Assistant Dorm Supervisor outfit and gently placed it into the lock, opening the door slightly.

"U-um, excuse me... there's no illicit activities allowed in the dorms..." **[CENSORED]** tried to yell. He really did. It's just that his throat picked the exact wrong time to restrict his volume to a whisper.

"What are you talking about?" Shizu demanded.

 **[CENSORED]** looked up from his feet, a bright blush on his face as he found-

-Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, save for the extraordinarily large amount of cards scattered on the carpet.

"Shit!" Kanako swore, just noticing the mess at his knees."My card house!"

"Don't worry Master Kanako, we can build another one," The butler assured his roommate.

"I-I-I'm so sorry!" **[CENSORED]** exclaimed, shutting the door with a bang.

"What was that about?" Kanako asked, gathering the cards.

Shizu only shrugged.

* * *

 _'I'm such an idiot!'_ **[CENSORED]** berated himself, covering his crimson face with his hands. _'I should have checked to see what they were doing instead of jumping to conclusions like that... The Dorm Supervisor won't be happy when he hears this...'_

"Hey."

The nameless boy paused in his stride, turning to see the one who had called out to him.

He saw the one that most students called the 'Blind Dog'. **[CENSORED]** honestly didn't know his name, only knowing three key facts about him.

The Blind Dog had an extraordinary sense of smell, one that could supposedly beat a bloodhound in terms of accuracy (though **[CENSORED]** honestly doubted that.) He was also legally blind, though his sense of smell certainly made up for that. And lastly, the boy known as the Blind Dog had an odd habit of following him around.

 **[CENSORED]** was slightly unsettled by that last fact, but reasoned that the other boy simply followed him whenever he got lost, since the Assistant Dorm Supervisor had an excellent sense of direction.

 **[CENSORED]** doubted that the legally blind boy had managed to get lost inside the dorms, considering that just a day earlier, he had found the other boy spraying his door with a strange perfume, with the reason given being, "So I can always find my room."

"What's wrong?" The blind student asked, concern in his tone. "You smell like embarrassment and tears. And candy, but that's not important."

"D-don't worry about it," The nameless boy replied, cursing his inability to stop his stutter. "I'm fine."

"You don't sound or smell fine."

"Are you saying I stink?!" **[CENSORED]** demanded in shock, feeling his fingers begin fidgeting around the key ring in his hands.

 _'No. Bad,_ ' The nameless boy scolded himself, forcing his fingers to go still. _'Do not show signs of nervousness. He can smell fear.'_

"A 'course not!" The other boy protested. "What kinda guy d'ya take me for anyways?! I'm not a rude bastard like ya think I'm, y'know! I'm just saying that you smell like yer about ta cry, that's all I meant."

"I-I'm not! It's just that you're scary!" **[CENSORED]** confessed, before clamping his hands over his mouth as he tried to prevent himself from saying something _even more_ stupid.

 _'Forget smelling fear, I just told him that I was afraid of him!'_

Unexpectedly, the legally blind boy doubled over laughing, unnerving the Assistant Dorm Supervisor even more.

"You're even jumpier than a rabbit!" The other boy exclaimed, a large smile still plastered on his face. "I like you! Come on, let's go drink tea in my room!"

"W-wait, I'm not sure that's a great idea..." The nameless boy muttered.

"What, ya think that just 'cause I'm blind I can't make tea?"

"N-no! I-it's just that, um, I-I still have to, er, have to do my patrol, and um, not go inside your room?"

"Don't worry so much!" The Blind Dog said as he placed an arm over the shoulder of the jumpy boy. "Boss probably won't even notice if ya don't even do it. Way too damn interested in that weird show of his to notice. And besides, Rindou's out on vacation, so he won't mind if we use his tea set."

"W-won't he mind when he gets back?"

"Not like he'll ever find out," The legally blind boy stated with a grin on his face. "It'll be our secret, okay?"

"U-um, sure..." **[CENSORED]** agreed sheepishly, slightly dazzled by the other boy's smile.

 _'He's not so scary after all...'_

"Hurry up, Panic Pants!" The Blind Dog called out, snapping censor-boy out of his dazed state.

"I'm coming! And don't call me that! My name is **[CENSORED] [REDACTED] [PROHIBITED]**! That's **[CENSORED]** with a 'J', not a 'G'!"

"That's way too long to pronounce! Your nickname is Panic Pants and that's that!"

"Can't you at least ask first?!"

"Nope, sorry Panic Pants, that's just the way the world works!"

* * *

"Shizu, do you get the feeling that we're not the main focus of this chapter?" Kanako asked as she placed another pair of cards on top of her card house.

"Yes, I'm afraid I do," Shizu agreed. "I suppose I'll have to eliminate whomever the focus of this chapter was."

"SHIZU NO!" Kanako dropped her cards in fear, destroying her card house for the second time in the chapter. "We can't just murder people!"

"Of course. As your butler, I cannot allow your hands to become sullied with the blood of others. I shall be the one to eliminate the unimportant side characters."

"Shizu no! As your mistress, I order you to stop!" Kanako declared, crossing her arms.

"Your orders are ignored," Shizu retorted.

"You can't just ignore direct orders! That's how you get fired!"

"I didn't like being your butler much anyways," The blonde stated.

"F-fine! I'll do anything you want, as long as you spare the side characters!" Kanako paled as soon as she saw the sadistic grin on her butler's face.

"Anything?"

"Anything so long as it does not result in my death, injury or public humiliation," Kanako replied.

Shizu sighed, before regaining his grin.

"I suppose that will work."

"Shizu what are you planning on doing-"

Kanako was cut off by the soft pressure of Shizu's lips against hers.

* * *

 **There are certain rules that I put in place for myself when making OCs.**

 **Like not making them Mary Sues. Or Marty Stus. Or making them anything more than a placeholder for roles that I can't find a canon character to stick in. Their main purpose is humour, so making alterations to their personalities is alright as long as it's funny. If they show up more than once, it's for nothing more than a gag. And obviously, making sure none of them steal the spotlight from the main couple.**

 **Today, I broke nearly every single one of those rules just to have that conversation at the end.**

 **(I obviously don't have a soft spot in my heart for those two. Of course not. What nonsense. )**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	61. MOVIE

**DO NOT OWN**

Chapter Huh? : Actors?

Alternate Title: _Movie Time!_

* * *

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Kanako demanded, pounding on the door of the room.

"Not until you repent for what you've done, Kanako!" Yuzuru replied, her voice muffled through the door.

"I'M SO SORRY PLEASE LET ME OUT."

"No!" Yuzuru shot down the other girl's suggestion and footsteps were heard, rapidly receding from Kanako's position.

After giving up on Yuzuru changing her mind and letting her back out, Kanako examined the room she was locked in.

It seemed to be one of God's television rooms (Kanako shuddered at the thought of what might happen if God caught her), a room with no defining features besides the lack of light, a television, and a couch.

Taking a seat on the carpet (If it was one of God's television rooms, she didn't want God to blast her for sitting in her couch), Kanako turned on the television, curious and bored enough to want to see what could be playing.

Kanako found that the current channel was playing a strange, romantic comedy, and after a moment of hesitation, decided to keep watching.

 ** _"Ayiram! Stop teasing me!"_** A woman with long black hair tied into a ponytail cried out. Kanako quickly deduced that this was the protagonist.

 ** _"Teasing you? Whatever could you mean?"_** A cute blonde asked innocently, quickly labelling her as the love interest in Kanako's eyes.

 ** _"Stop pretending to be innocent! I know you're doing this to torture me!"_** The ponytailed woman declared.

 ** _"Damn right I am,"_** Ayiram agreed, switching her demeanour around completely, from innocent little flower to brash and insensitive brute. Kanako felt that the love interest's behaviour was familiar, but disregarded that feeling in favour of listening.

 ** _'My name is Okano Yimamae,'_** The protagonist's voice echoed slightly as she talked, this, along with the camera panning to the sky, were two sure-fire signs that the words being spoken were a monologue and not dialogue. ** _'And this is the story of how I met my future wife.'_**

* * *

"She's watching it?" God asked she and Yuzuru stood away from the door.

"Yeah, she's watching the movie you made," Yuzuru confirmed.

"Thank you so much for helping me with this," God said with a bow.

"No worries," Yuzuru smiled. "Just tell me you need any more help, alright?"

"I promise," God swore.

* * *

Kanako watched the movie with fanatic interest, making predictions and theories as she went.

 _'Zuru, Ken, Mina and Chie are all decoy love interests,'_ Kanako predicted. _'Okano hasn't shown any interest in any of them, so it's unlikely she'll choose any of them. The only person she shows signs of interest in is Ayiram, who is also the only person who shows any interest in her, so they're obviously going to end up together.'_

 ** _"Goddammit, Okano! I was so worried about you! Don't you dare do anything that stupid again!"_** The on-screen blonde scolded the taller girl, causing Kanako to add 'tsundere' to the labels she had already placed on the designated love interest.

 ** _"Why are you yelling at me?!"_** Okano demanded. **_"It wasn't my fault I got caught up in that situation!"_**

 ** _"Yes it is! Because you were insensitive and didn't see how annoying you were to Tsui, she ended up trying to kill you!"_**

 _'But it's really hard to see that they're love interests when they argue so much...'_ Kanako thought to herself. _'I can't see how they could possibly be in love when there's so much yelling going on.'_

* * *

 ** _"I love you, you fucking idiot!"_** Ayiram declared. **_"I want to kiss your dumb face and marry you and do all that stupid shit couples do together! With you! And I swear to god, if you find some goddamn way to misinterpret that statement, or somehow turn it into a fucking platonic thing, I'll crush you!"_**

 _'That's the most violent confession I've ever heard,'_ Kanako thought as she smiled, laughing at the ending. The sight of Okano being buried in flowers as Ayiram continued declaring her love was just too hilarious to resist.

And then the door fell down.

Kanako gaped as Mariya stood in the doorway, crossing his arms as he glared down at her, still sitting on the floor.

"What the hell were you doing?!" Mariya demanded. "It took nearly five hours to find you!"

"Why are you yelling at me?!" Kanako cried. "It's not my fault I got locked in here!"

"Of course it is!" Mariya retorted. "Yuzuru was rightfully punishing you after what happened between the two of you!"

"I said I was sorry!"

 _'Where have I seen this before?'_ Kanako wondered, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu as she argued with her roommate.

* * *

"Mariya! Quit teasing me!" Kanako wailed, pinching her nose to keep the blood from flowing.

"Tease you? What could you be talking about?" Mariya asked in his falsetto, putting on the most innocent expression he could muster.

"Quit pretending to be innocent, you little demon!" Kanako screamed.

"D-demon?!" Mariya exclaimed in shock. "I am an angel, one so holy and kind that I may as well be the best thing to have ever happened to you!"

"More like the worst..." Kanako muttered, only to yelp as her roommate pulled on her ear harshly.

"Okay, okay! You're an angel! Let go!"

"Glad to see you've come back to your senses," Mariya smiled smugly as he released his victim.

 _'I've definitely seen this before..."_ Kanako tried her best to remember, but the pain in her ear was too distracting for Kanako to actually recall anything, instead absentmindedly rubbing the reddened skin.

* * *

 _'Dear Kanako,_

 _I'm so sorry for locking you in the television room for so long. I panicked and tried to punish you for something that wasn't your fault._

 _I made a little gift for you to make up for it, so please meet me in the archery building at six in the evening, so that we can meet after practice is over for me._

 _Once again, I'm so sorry. I hope you like your gift._

 _-Yuzuru.'_

* * *

Yuzuru bit her lip nervously, fiddling with the gift box n her hands as she waited for her extremely tall classmate.

Kanako hadn't showed up.

Sighing, the golden-eyed archer decided to stand and leave the building, only to pause when she heard voices.

"Kanako, what are you doing here?" Mariya's voice called out, slightly exasperated.

Kanako was here?

"I was looking for Yuzuru. Have you seen her?"

And Kanako received her letter?

"She's sitting in the front entrance. I don't know how you missed her."

"But I came in from the back!"

Well that explained everything.

"There is no back entrance. Kanako, what are you talking about?"

"You mean the climb-y thing on the wall isn't an entrance?"

"Kanako, you _climbed over the wall when the door was right there?_ " Mariya asked in sheer disbelief.

Yuzuru giggled to herself, before deciding to leave Mariya to scold her roommate.

She could give Kanako the gift another day.

* * *

"What kind of idiot are you?" Mariya demanded, crossing his arms over his archery uniform. "Did you stop to think about what would happen if you fell off, or is your brain too underdeveloped to even dream of doing such a thing?"

"Oh," Kanako gasped in realization, finally remembering the movie that caused her sense of deja vu. "You're the tsundere!"

"What the hell are you going on about now, dumbass?"

"You're acting like the tsundere love interest in that movie I watched!" Kanako explained with a smile on her face, excitement in her voice as she finally remembered. "That's why everything you did seemed so familiar!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, you insane woman," Mariya stated, his face blank as he watched his roommate ramble on excitedly.

"You're the love interest!" Kanako exclaimed once again, before beginning to speak even faster. "You're the tsundere love interest who argues with the person they're in love with a lot and even if you're mean and cruel, you still care a lot!"

Mariya hesitated, slowly coming to the conclusion that Kanako had _finally_ realized his feelings for her, hoping this was some roundabout way of returning his affections-

"The only thing I'm not sure about is who you're in love with!"

-Only to feel his hopes crash to the ground, before burrowing into the dirt until they hit absolute rock bottom.

"You have absolutely no clue who I'm in love with," Mariya reiterated, letting the disbelief and exasperation he felt flow into every syllable.

"Nope! Is it someone at the school? It is a cute girl?!" Kanako demanded excitedly, as if fishing for gossip with one of her friends in class.

"I love you, you fucking idiot!"Mariya declared. "I want to kiss your dumb face and marry you and do all that stupid shit couples do together! With you! And I swear to god, if you find some goddamn way to misinterpret that statement, or somehow turn it into a fucking platonic thing, I'll crush you!"

Kanako froze, turning to look down at her roommate in shock, mouth opening and closing as she tried to force out words.

"You just quoted the confession at the end of the movie I was talking about!" Kanako gasped. "I thought you said you didn't watch it! Are you just trying to hide your admiration of the movie like the tsundere you are?!"

Mariya had to physically restrain himself from smacking his head into the nearest blunt object, instead rolling his eyes and letting the anger and hurt he felt manifest into insults he threw at the older girl, bemoaning his roommate's obliviousness.

* * *

"Plan number two-hundred and sixty-five is a failure," God jotted down her words with a frown.

"I have to take into account Miss Miyamae's obliviousness when planning or else it will end up a failure again," She observed, before gritting her teeth.

"These two are going to fall in love and get married, or I'm renouncing my position as a deity!" God declared with determination in her voice.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by sonicfan2000. Thank you for your continued support and ideas.**

 **Also, do you have any fucking clue how goddamn hard it was to come up with all those goddamn fucking names?!**

 **Like, Kanako backwards does not even remotely resemble a goddamn name, so I had to actually _think_ of a name to give her. And I _HATE_ coming up with names.**

 **On another note, can you tell who's who?**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	62. RINDOU NO

**No, I do not own Maria Holic at all.**

Chapter heart: RINDOU NO

Alternate Title: _Shizu, don't waste candy! Those are expensive! And delicious!_

* * *

Normally, whenever you think of the words ' _Valentine's Day'_ , you would think of various romantic situations, like lovers giving each other gifts, going on dates and exchanging chocolate.

Never, not even in the strangest of circumstances, would someone being chased be one of the situations to come to mind, partially because of the un-romantic-ness of the situation, partially because said situation would be more suited to the words ' _terrifying_ ' or ' _exhilarating_ '.

However, being chased was exactly what Kanako Miyamae found herself experiencing, not by a policeman or serial killer or even a rabid dog, but by hordes of male students.

To Kanako, that was worse than the previous three combined.

Kanako's fear of men was common knowledge. She broke out in hives by merely brushing hands with one.

But somehow, despite her fear and general social awkwardness, most boys in the school of Ame-no-Kisaki had fallen head over heels for the young androphobe.

Completely oblivious to this fact, Kanako fled from her admirers, incomprehensible gibberish flowing from her mouth as she ran.

* * *

"This is borderline harassment!" Kanako ranted as she opened her locker, only to find a pile of letters falling out the moment she opened the door.

"I think that's even more than what I got," Shizu said jokingly as he watched his housemate gasp at the large amount.

"Shut it and help me throw them out!" Kanako ordered.

"You're not going to read the confessions of admiration your fans sent you?" Shizu asked tauntingly.

"I know that you probably just stuffed a bunch of empty envelopes in there as a prank," Kanako muttered, stuffing a small portion of the letters into her bag.

"Why would I waste paper on that?"

"Because you love torturing me," Kanako replied.

"Too much of a waste," Shizu retorted as he watched Kanako try in vain to fill her bag with even more envelopes, not even lifting a hand to help.

"I'm going to have to make so many trips to throw all of them out..."

"I've got a lighter," Shizu offered.

"We're in school, you pyromaniac!" Kanako cried out, nearly dropping her schoolbag,

"Didn't you want a quick and easy way to dispose of all those letters?"

"NOT ONE THAT WILL KILL US."

"Fine, I'll ask Rindou and Matsurika to toss them out," Shizu stated.

Kanako gasped.

"That's so nice of you! So nice I'm getting suspicious! What's the catch?"

"You have to make dessert for an entire week."

"That's easy! I'll make dessert for a month!" Kanako declared, before realizing what she just said. "N-no, um, never mind, I won't actually..."

"Why would you say it at all if you're going to back out?" Shizu said with a smirk. "Come on, a month and you get to get rid of _every single one_ of those letters."

Sighing as she dumped the letters out of her bag, Kanako agreed, saying, "Fine..."

Several lockers, away, a grin on his face as he leaned against his closed locker, the Blind Dog whispered to his companion.

"They make a good couple, don't they?"

 **[CENSORED]** stared at him in confusion, before realizing that his friend couldn't see it.

"Who are you talking about?"

"The girl you like and the guy she's with," The other boy replied with a finger pointing in the general direction of the pair.

"Kanako and Shizu?"

"Yeah, them."

"I guess they would be a good couple..." **[CENSORED]** muttered.

"If you're gonna be so glum about it, why don't ya give her that love letter ya wrote?" The blind student inquired.

"I-It's not a love letter!" **[CENSORED]** exclaimed. "It was an apology for bullying her in elementary school. That's all."

"You? Bullying someone?" The Blind Dog doubled over laughing, gasping as he forced out," Are you sure you weren't just being really impolite to her?"

"N-no! Of course not! I stole her things! And I caused her fear of men!"

"Are you sure that wasn't your twin or something? Split personality, super-powered evil side, any of that ringing any bells in your head?" The other boy asked. "'Cause the Panic Pants I know wouldn't dare be anything less than a gentleman to the girl he likes."

"Don't call me that!" **[CENSORED]** protested.

"But seriously, ya should give her that letter. If ya do that, ya can at least say ya tried, you know?"

"A-alright..."

* * *

"Hm?" Rindou grabbed the pink envelope by the corner, cautiously lifting the paper he had dropped. "This is Master Shizu's handwriting..."

A smirk grew on the butler's face as he slipped the paper in his pocket, before he returned to his duty and continued to help his sister clean the mess of letters from Kanako's admirers.

* * *

Miki Miyamae thought she went blind when she saw the pink inside her locker.

"A letter?"

Reaching out to it hesitantly, the brunette picked it up, a confirmation that it was real.

"For me?"

Miki ripped the envelope open carefully, removing the light pink paper inside.

 _'Dear Kanako,_

 _I love you. I know you'll probably think this is a prank, but I'm actually fucking serious._

 _I want to date you and kiss you and_ **[INDESTERNABLE SCRIBBLES]** _and all that stupid shit couples do together with you! And I know it'll never happen because you're a lesbian, so even writing this letter is pointless._

 _I guess confessing is just a way to get rid of some of the stress that comes from seeing the person I love all the time and not being able to be honest about my feelings._

 _I think it might have worked._

 **[FOUR LINES OF SCRIBBLING]**

 _Shizu'_

Miki Miyamae had never been so disappointed and shocked at the same time in her entire life.

A letter for Kanako, in her locker. One that was written by the youngest Miyamae's crush. In her locker.

Miki was beginning to wonder if God was doing this to her on purpose.

(She was only partially right. Rindou was no god, but he was definitely doing it on purpose.)

* * *

 _'What should I do?'_ Miki wondered as she stared fretfully at her sister's locker.

Returning the letter to its rightful owner would be the right thing to do, right? Owning something meant for another would most definitely be theft, and Miki was never one to steal.

But... if Kanako never received the letter, if she never knew of Shizu's feelings for her, then Miki would still have a chance, right? She could swoop in and fix Shizu's broken heart and they would become the couple that she always dreamed they would become-

"MIKI!"

Miki Miyamae had two point six seconds to try to turn her head in the direction of the sound, process what was happening and attempt to find a solution if needed.

2.6 seconds was not enough time for Miki Miyamae to get out of the way, and she was tackle-hugged by her older sister.

"K-Kanako! Get off!" Miki demanded, shoving her sister's face away from her.

"Did you come to visit your big sister? Or ask for any advice? You can ask for anything, you know!"

"I didn't come to visit you or ask for advice!" Miki snapped. "Why would I ask an idiot like you for advice anyways!? I just came to return a letter that got in my locker by accident!"

 _'Shit_ ,' Miki blushed a deep red as she realized what she just said. Taking the envelope out from her bag with shaky hands, she handed it to her sister and ran off, unable to watch Kanako's reaction.

"Miki, wait!" Kanako cried out, reaching out for her sister.

"Leave me alone!" Miki retorted.

Kanako stood frozen as her sister ran further and further away, not hearing the words Miki muttered to herself.

"I hope you have a happy ending with him, sis."

* * *

"I don't get it! It's just a stupid letter, right?! Why is my adorable little sister crying over something so stupid?!" Kanako ranted, waving her arms in the air to emphasize her point.

"Maybe it was a badly written letter," Shizu replied, apathetic to his housemate's dilemma.

"I hope it wasn't anything too bad... I don't want my pure little sister to be corrupted by something like that!" Kanako opened her bag, rummaging around in it to pull out a pink envelope.

"If anything, you're the one corrupting-" Shizu cut himself off as he recognized the letter. Without a word, he snatched the paper out of her hands and ripped it to pieces.

"...oh," Kanako stared at the wreckage without a trace of emotion, as if she was channelling Matsurika.

"Don't even bother reading it. It's the one from **[CENSORED]** ," Shizu lied.

"But he gave me his letter when I was getting my stuff from my locker."

"When did this happen and how did I not notice?"

"Um, you were calling Rindou and Matsurika to clean up the letters, while **[CENSORED]** gave me his letter with an apology and a bunch of candy," Kanako explained, even pulling the bag of candy out of her bag as proof. "It's really good! He's not so bad after all."

Without a word, Shizu took the candies, took a moment to open the window, and then threw them out with all his might.

"THAT WAS PERFECTLY GOOD CANDY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Kanako demanded.

"If you eat any more sweets, you won't be able to fit through the doors anymore," Shizu said sarcastically, even adding in a few stomach pokes for good measure.

"I HATE YOU!"

 _'Not as much as you would if you read my letter,'_ Shizu thought as he continued to argue with Kanako.

* * *

 **I like to think that every time there was a scribble, it was actually Shizu getting embarrassed and covering up what he wrote. Which means that there was an entire four lines worth of embarrassing stuff he wrote and we never get to read it.**

 **[CENSORED] gave Kanako the letter while they were both off-screen.**

 **And I'm sorry for the lack of updates yesterday. School is starting tomorrow for me, so I'm having to dedicate a lot of time to preparation.**

 **So basically, _SEND IN SHORT PROMPTS ONLY_. Because I'm not going to have the time to write super long ones.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	63. BABY

**No, no, no, I don't own Maria Holic in any way, any shape or any form.**

Chapter baby: MARIYA/SHIZU NO

Alternate Title: _babies_

* * *

"Where do you think you're going?"

"A-ah! Mariya- I mean, Shizu, I-I was just going to get groceries!"

"I'll get one of the maids to take care of it. Get back to bed."

"I can't spend twenty-four hours a day on a bed! That's seriously unhealthy!"

"It's even more unhealthy to put stress on your body in that condition."

"Mariya, I'm _pregnant,_ not on the verge of death."

"Shizu."

"W-whatever! It doesn't change the fact that you've been smothering me way too much!"

"Do you know how many cases of childbirth-related deaths there are in Japan alone? We are not risking it."

"Shizu, I'll be fine."

"..."

"I'll make you a month's worth of macaroons if you let me outside."

"..."

"Coconut cream. With extra sugar."

"...fine. But we are going to play golf, one of the calmest and slowest sports to ever be created, and only for one hour, got it?"

"Yay, thank you Shizu!"

"YOU'RE CRUSHING ME! AND THE BABY!"

"Don't worry, she'll be fine!"

"She?"

"I just get the feeling that she's a girl. Call it mother's intuition."

"Have you thought of a name?"

"Yuri."

"KANAKO NO."

(To everyone's surprise, Kanako was right. Sort of. She gave birth to a pair of twins, a boy and a girl. Slightly disappointed that she couldn't name them both Yuri, she named the boy Rio and the girl Yui.)

* * *

 **There is seven minutes until school starts.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update.**

 **ADDITION: 09/08/2015**

 **SOMEHOW I WASN'T LATE! YAY!**

 **Also, this was Shizzzam's idea. Just so you know.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	64. Matsurika no

**No.**

Chapter Maid: Kanako wears a maid outfit and it's not as cute as last time.

Alternate Title: _Matsurika no_

* * *

 _'Mariya loved their arguments._

 _Not just because he loved seeing Kanako's reactions to his insults, but because it was their way of communicating at this point. There was no ill intent or cruelty in either of their words (No matter how many times Kanako accused him of it.) it was just their way of showing their love for each other._

 _Well, Mariya's love_ for _her, seeing as the taller girl never did anything that indicated that she even remotely knew of his feelings, let alone return them._

 _Maybe he would tell her one day. Or maybe he would keep making precious memories of his argument-filled school life with Kanako while he could.'_

* * *

"Wake up."

Mariya Shidou woke with a jolt, eyes scanning the room to search for the source of the voice that had awoken him.

He didn't have to look far.

Directly above him, dangerously close, was Kanako's face, bored and blank.

"Good morning Master Mariya-"

Kanako sputtered as the blonde's head collided with her's, flinching away while clutching at her face.

"What the fuck are you wearing?!" Mariya demanded, though his voice sounded distorted due to him pinching his nose.

"Master Mariya, you're bleeding!" Kanako gasped, turning away to look for the box of tissues she kept on the desk, her eyes not finding it at first.

Unfortunately for Mariya, that movement allowed him to see that the maid uniform Kanako was wearing was completely backless. The only thing preventing the extremely revealing top from becoming a jacket put on backwards was a small strip of fabric wrapped around Kanako's neck and another strip of fabric across the middle of her back. Both looked thin enough to rip from a simple tug.

Blushing bright red, Mariya turned his head, careful not to let any blood from his nose drip onto his mattress.

"Found it!" Kanako exclaimed, though she paused to adjust her costume.

"Why did Matsurika have to get me the tight one?" Kanako whined, tossing the tissue box at Mariya so she could pull at her top with both hands.

"Why are you wearing that in the first place?" Mariya asked.

"I lost a bet with Matsurika," Kanako explained dejectedly. "She said I had to be your maid for the day."

"Why were you betting with Matsurika in the first place?"

"I'm not answering that question," Kanako replied.

"Just get to class or something. Or hide away somewhere where I don't have to look at you," Mariya ordered.

"What?! How cruel! You don't have to be so upfront about not wanting to see me!" Kanako protested.

"Just get out before I make you, dumbass!"

"Fine!" Kanako retorted, fleeing the room, still in her extraordinarily-revealing maid top and skirt.

Groaning, Mariya pressed a tissue to his nose before burying his face in a pillow.

 _'Why the fuck does she look so damn good in that outfit?! **She's** the one who's supposed to be getting the nosebleeds, not me!'_ Mariya sighed, removing the tissue from his completely-uninjured nose for a moment, before solemnly resolving to make Matsurika's life a living hell in response to the torture of seeing Kanako like that.

* * *

 **This idea was submitted by sonicfan2000, and I'm not dead.**

 **Yay.**

 **I'm still trying to provide updates. This thing is still going, I'm too tired to make a big speech about it though. English homework is tough and its only the first week. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.**

 **Anyways, I'm not giving up on updating until we reach 100- no, a hundred and ten chapters! Just because.**

 **Anyways, sleep.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update. (Hope it's soon.) :D**


	65. babies

**No.**

Chapter …: You dorks.

Alternate Title: _In which Rio lives the gay manga Kanako wished she lived in during her high school years_

* * *

"I'll miss you so much!" Kanako cried out, pulling her children into her chest. "Be sure to tell your mother if you need anything!"

"Kanako, don't kill our kids before their first day in high school," Shizu reprimanded, though he was smiling at his wife. At her look of confusion, he added," You're suffocating them with your huge bags of fat."

"Did you really have to add that last part in front of the kids?!" Kanako demanded, releasing her children, finally allowing them to breathe.

"I'll miss you too!" Rio bawled, wiping at his ruby-red eyes.

"Yeah, don't annoy Dad too much while we're gone," Yui replied with a startlingly-familiar smirk on her face.

"Just get out already," Shizu ordered.

With Kanako screaming and waving until the twins were out of sight and Shizu calmly eating his cereal, Rio and Yui Shidou made their way towards their separate high schools.

At least, that's what three-fourths of the Shidou family thought.

* * *

"Ah, this is my room," Rio muttered to himself, pausing before room 612 of the Mori-no-Mihoshi dorm to grab his key from his pocket.

"Since I've been sharing a room with Yui for so long, it'll be hard to adjust to a new roommate. I hope he's nice," Rio had a bad habit of saying his monologues out loud, though his voice was quiet as to not disturb any other new students as he opened the door.

"Hey bro!" Yui called out from inside, lounging on one of the beds with a magazine in her hands. "What took you so long?"

"Yui?!" Rio gasped, nearly dropping some of his luggage.

"Be careful!" Yui admonished, gesturing at the bags in Rio's hands with magazine. "If you break this shit, Dad's going to be really fucking mad, you know?"

"Why are you in here?!" Rio nearly screamed, panic clear on his face.

"Relax, I didn't take out your roommate or anything," Yui said with a flip of her blonde hair. "I _am_ your roommate."

"You're supposed to be at Ame-no-Kisaki!" Rio protested.

"Are you saying you would rather kick your sister out of your room, live with a complete stranger for the next few years and have no moral support or advice for every single problem you've ever had?" Yui asked calmly as she turned the page of her magazine.

Slumping his head, Rio muttered a vague refusal and dragged his luggage inside the room.

* * *

"Calm down."

"They're going to hate me."

"Calm down."

"I'm going to end up being a social outcast and eat lunch alone every day and be-"

"Rio, for fuck's sake, calm the hell down!" Yui commanded, pinching her brother's check to prevent him from speaking. "It's the first day of school, no one knows you and you don't know them! You _aren't even in the classroom yet,_ so breathe deeply and shut the fuck up!"

Rio sighed in response, slumping onto an empty desk with a defeated frown on his face. Yui took the seat next to him, bored expression on her face.

"You guys can introduce yourself or whatever," The teacher said dismissively, not taking her eyes off her phone. "It's in alphabetical order, so whoever's last name starts with 'A' can go first."

Completely ignoring the apathetic teacher's words, Yui stood up and walking towards the front of the room, turning to face her new classmates.

"My name's Yui Shidou."

"Are you deaf? That starts with 'S', not 'A'. Go sit down," The teacher ordered.

"Shut up," Yui retorted, before smirking demonically. "Unless you want me to tell Chairman Shidou that you've been slacking off in class and playing on your phone?"

The professor didn't respond, giving Yui the chance to continue.

"I enjoy things like martial arts practice and going to shooting ranges," Yui continued, a sadistic glare on her face as she said her next words. "And I swear, if you hurt my little brother, I'll be practicing shooting a hole in your head."

"That's all!" Yui announced, a bright and cheery smile on her face as she made her way back to her seat, as if she had just been talking about something cute and fun, like cupcakes.

"Your turn, bro," Yui whispered to her brother, even patting him on the back to get his attention.

"E-e-eh?!" Rio squeaked, jumping out of his seat in shock.

"It's your turn to introduce yourself," Yui reiterated. "Go up to the front and say your name and hobbies."

"E-eh, s-sure?" Despite his words, Rio's tone was unsure and shaky, even his hands shaking as he made his way towards the front of the room to reflect that.

"M-m-my name is Rio Shidou…" Rio muttered softly, fingers fidgeting as he spoke.

Before the younger Shidou twin (generation #2) could say anything more, an eraser smacked him between the eyes. A sticky note was attached to it, Rio reading it as he grabbed the eraser off the floor.

 _'Remember to breathe, dumbass.'_

Forcing himself to inhale and exhale like his sister advised, Rio put on a shy smile as he kept up his introduction.

"S-sorry, I'm a little shy. I like baking, playing chess, and sweets," Rio's grin grew larger as he concluded, showing off a few bright white teeth. "I hope we can all get along great!"

Unbeknownst to the red-eyed boy, his smile had dazzled three of his classmates, acting like an arrow sent straight into their hearts.

 _'How enchanting,'_ Chie Suzumon thought as a blush covered his cheeks.

THUNK! A bullseye, sending the poor sucker reeling, like he was almost literally falling in love.

 _'So cute!'_ Mori Yazuki noted as he felt his heartbeat accelerate.

THUNK! Another arrow, another unfortunate soul tumbling head over heels for Rio Shidou.

 _'D-damn, he's cute!'_ Chihiro Chiaki gasped, sputtering as he tried to reign in his blush, sliding his glasses up his nose.

THUNK! Triple bullseye! Cupid must have earned a new high score!

Completely oblivious to his classmates' new attraction to him (He is his mother's son after all), Rio Shidou took his seat right next to his sister, a lot more relaxed and cheerful than he was when he first left.

The students continue introducing themselves, in whatever order they prefer, first come, first serve. It's not like the teacher cares enough to stop them.

Very few of the students stick out in Rio's eyes much. While Yui is carefully analyzing the boys for any weaknesses, any threats, Rio is smiling and clapping and congratulating people on a good job.

The first student to make a real impression in Rio Shidou's memory is Chie Suzumon.

Maybe it's because he was juggling a platypus statue, a light bulb and a pack of cards. Maybe it's his charming smile and mischievous blue eyes.

Nah, it's most definitely the magic tricks.

He pulled a giant squeaky hammer from nowhere as he talks about his hobbies (Practicing magic and riding horses), turning a plastic snake into a living, breathing bunny, and finishing with a flock of paper cranes, flying around the classroom, and Rio is amazed with it all. Rio clapped and cheered for the other boy louder than he had for any of the other students, probably because he's actually interested in Chie's act.

As Chie makes his way towards his seat, he pauses to wink and turn a pen into a rose for the red-eyed boy, pressing the flower into Rio's hands. Yui immediately noticed this, and sent a glare at the boy who dared to flirt with her brother.

Little did she know that two more suitors/admirers/over-eager boys in love were about to introduce themselves.

* * *

"My name is Mori Yazuki. I enjoy archery and jogging. I am pleased to make your acquaintance," Mori said politely, keeping his eyes firmly directed at the back of the room, not wanting to stare at Rio's smiling face for too long, lest he be caught.

There is absolutely nothing Mori has done that could hint at his rapidly-growing crush, not his words, not his posture, not his gaze, but as he returns to his seat, Rio gives him a small, tentative smile and waves in his direction.

With a small blush on his face, Mori returns the favour, giving the red-eyed boy a small wave, and is instantly aware of a harsh glare directed towards him.

 _'Fuck.'_

* * *

"My name's Chihiro Chiaki. Nice to fucking meet you."

Like Mori, Chihiro tried his best to make his crush hidden, looking away from the boy in question and trying to keep his pose casual.

Unlike Mori, Chihiro was absolutely horrible at it.

He blushed brighter than a spotlight when Rio began applauding, keeping his eyes away from the shorter boy as he walked by, to the point that he walked right past his desk. As he sat down and a boy named **[PROHIBITED]** began speaking, he slumped forwards, hiding his ruby-red face in his arms.

He was completely unaware of Yui glaring holes in his head from several desks away.

* * *

 _'Dear mother back at home, I think the first day is going well!'_ Rio announced cheerfully. _'I was surprised when Yui showed up, but I'm really glad she's here. Things would have ended badly if I didn't take her advice when class started.'_

The reply was instantaneous, his mother's voice echoing around his skull through the power of familial love.

 _'Dear son at school, that's great! I'm glad to hear you're doing well. If this keeps up, I'll bake you and Yui a 'Congrats on the first day' cake!'_

 _'Mom, please don't.'_

When Rio went several seconds without hearing a reply, he sighed, remembering his mistake.

 _'Dear mom back at home, please don't bake a cake for us. I don't think you're allowed to send a cake in through mail.'_

A few meters away, his sister laid on her bed, too wrapped up in her own conversation to notice Rio's mental dialogue.

 _'Dear father back at home, Rio's chastity is in danger. I've spotted three targets already. Please send advice on how to best protect my brother.'_

Yui Shidou had no idea what kind of mess she was about to get into in order to protect her brother's virginity. She just knew that it would be messy.

Oh yes. There would be blood.

* * *

 **How.**

 **I JUST HAD FUN _WHILE MAKING OCS_.**

 **THAT IS NOT A THING THAT HAPPENS EVER.**

 **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.**

 **Anyways, this is slightly short (and not focusing on Kanako and Shizu/Mariya) because OC babies.**

 **I kind of want to make more actually. Maybe.**

 **Like, there's every ingredient needed for chaos. A shy guy, the trickster, a tsundere, a stoic guy and a semi-yandere who is also a tsundere.**

 **And I'm also amused because I went out of my way to make this the opposite of Kanako's high school life.**

 **Most of Kanako's problems seem to happen out of sheer bad luck/being oblivious and causing problems for herself/ the sadistic tsundere roommate messing with her head.**

 **Most of Rio's problem will happen because he has three (or maybe more?) over-eager dorks after his ass/a sadistic tsundere roommate who is 100% dere for him and 100% tsun to everyone else and extremely overprotective/he is oblivious to everything.**

 **And Chie, Mori and Chihiro are direct opposites of Sachi, Yuzuru and Nanami too. Maybe.**

 **Anyways, sleep.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update.**


	66. FRENCHY FRENCH FRIES

**No, I don't own Maria Holic or French.**

Chapter 3: Three times Kanako said 'I love you' in French and didn't mean it and one time she did.

Alternate Title: _Kanako and Matsurika, no_

* * *

The first time she says it, she has no idea what it means.

 _'Je t'aime.'_

Mariya startles, doubling over as coughs force their way out of his throat. His coughing fit goes on for so long that Kanako wonders if she should get a doctor.

But just when she is about to take action, the blonde springs into an upright position, his face bright red. Kanako guesses that it's normal for someone who was choking for that long, and ignores it.

"Wh-where did you learn that?" Mariya askes, his face slowly turning into a slightly-less-dangerous-for-the-health shade of pink.

"Matsurika taught it to me."

Mariya sighed, out of both relief and disappointment.

Kanako didn't really understand, but carefully filed this information in a mental folder she liked to call 'My demonic, sadistic roommate's weak points!'

* * *

The second time she says it, Kanako still has no idea what it means.

But she has an idea.

Since Matsurika taught her words like ' _idiot_ ' and ' _pig_ ' in French, then obviously ' _je t'aime'_ must be something along those lines, right? Mariya must have just been shocked by her French-speaking skills!

Right?

"Of course not, you idiot!" Mariya yells, his voice grabbing Kanako's train of thought and slamming it into a ditch. "That is not what it means at all!"

"Then what does it mean?" Kanako asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"I'm not answering that question. Go look it up."

That answer left Kanako too wary to actually try it.

* * *

The third time, Kanako actually knows what she's saying. (Thanks to some divine intervention on behalf of Shizu.)

It still doesn't stop her. Kanako Miyamae is not one to discard a weapon because it embarrasses her. Oh no.

What she holds is the equivalent to the **lethal joke weapon.**

A weapon that is extraordinarily powerful, despite the fact that it really shouldn't be. Like a mop being the most powerful weapon in the game for example.

(No, when you think about it, Mariya being weak to the words ' _I love you_ ' makes perfect sense. It's just that Kanako isn't thinking about it.)

But the third time she uses it, she's shocked by the results.

Mariya freezes, his voice shutting off in the middle of his word (Kanako is pretty sure he was about to say 'Idiot'), leaving his mouth gape open uselessly.

And then tears begin to fill his ruby-red eyes.

"D-don't you dare say something like that," Mariya mutters, wiping at his eyes and turning his head away. "Or else I'll think I actually stand a chance…"

Kanako stares down at the younger boy blankly, not realizing right away what she had done. She was chipping away at Mariya's weak points, only to pale when she saw what it had resulted in.

She felt her stomach become heavier and heavier, guilt dragging her body to the ground. She wanted to wipe away the stream of tears running down Mariya's face, she wanted to find a way to apologize and reverse what she had done.

But after long nights of mourning and wishing for an impossible miracle, Kanako knew that undoing her mistake was impossible.

So instead, she wrapped her arms around the shorter boy, ignoring the hives and itchiness and the part of her mind that was screaming at her to stop.

Petting the younger boy's head softly to calm him, Kanako doesn't even need to pretend that it's Miki in her arms for her older sister instincts to activate. She whispers vague nothings, words that mean absolutely nothing, only being said to fill the silence looming over the room.

" _Je t'aime,_ " Mariya says, interrupting Kanako in the middle of her rambling about flying pigs.

( _Wahaha, I mean, I've never seen you cry before, so this is entirely new for me. Mariya doing anything but being cruel has the same chance of happening as flying pigs, so maybe I should outside to see if some pigs started flying?_ )

Kanako smiles, tightening her hold on Mariya, replying with a gentle, " _Je t'aime._ "

And though she doesn't know it, she means it that time.

( _There is no last time they say 'I love you' to each other, because before long, declarations of love become as common as insults and violence in their odd little relationship, and slowly, ever-so-slowly, the number of times they say it become as numerous as the countless memories they have of each other._ )

* * *

 **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.**

 **I feel pain in places I am too young to feel pain in. I blame the hunched over pose I need to adopt in order to finish my homework.**

 **Anyways, have an update.**

 **And have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next time if I'm not dead and buried in a pile of homework.**


	67. Police

**No.**

Chapter POLICE: Yay for cosplay!

Alternate Title: _Why is it that every time I draw inspiration from manga for this fic, it's always gay manga?_

* * *

If you sat Kanako Miyamae down on a bench on a Simple Sunday and told her that two weeks and two days from then, she would be kidnapped in the line of duty, she would shrug and say that was the risk of being a police officer in a crime-filled neighbourhood. She had long accepted that her profession might end up killing her one day, and your words had no effect on her.

 _However,_ if you took the time to back up and explain, maybe even add in the tiny detail of her being in a ripped-to-the-point-of-indecency cat costume at the time of her kidnapping and fighting her way out with nothing but the pack of knives she kept with her at all times and the son of a Yakuza family, _then_ Kanako would stare at you blankly, before laughing at the sheer audacity of the idea.

Two weeks and two days later, when said kidnapping actually occurred, Kanako Miyamae would say nothing but a small, quiet, _'Fuck.'_

* * *

Unlike the unusual event that day that led to Kanako's kidnapping, the day was a normal Tedious Tuesday. If not for the assignment Kanako was given that day, she would have forgotten it within a day or two, when something interesting happened on either Terrible Thursday or War-torn Wednesday.

A day of organizing notes and files was interrupted by a call from her superior, telling her of her new assignment.

Her job was simple, or as simple as you could get in a town where murders happened on a daily basis.

A nearby café had reported multiple instances of disappearing funds, with the owner growing more and more frantic each time it happened. Kanako was to disguise herself as a waitress there and report any suspicious activity.

Kanako agreed, eager to take this chance to escape her boredom.

Kanako never regretted any choice in her life more than this one.

* * *

"Kanako, would you like some help with your costume?" Mariya asked politely, staring up at the older girl.

"No, no, that's alright," Kanako answered as she struggled to reach the zipper on her back.

 _'I can't let her find out that I hid a pack of knives in my bra,'_ Kanako thought, a smile appearing on her face as she zipped up her cat-themed dress and placing the cat-ear headband atop her head.

"Alright! I did it!" Kanako exclaimed, before wincing. "ARGH! Why is this so tight?"

"Sorry, the store still hasn't received any costumes in your size yet, since you're so new," Mariya explained.

"Oh, you don't have to apologize. It's completely alright!" Kanako waved her arms around exaggeratedly, as if literally trying to wave away the issue. "It's not your fault anyways, I mean."

"If you want, I could take on your orders. So that you don't have to go out in an uncomfortable costume," Mariya offered.

"N-n-no! I can't accept that!" Kanako cried out. "I-I mean, that'll be twice as much work for and also I'll have to clean the floors and really that's not a good outcome for either of us, so thank you for offering but no."

Mariya looked shocked that someone would reject her offer of kindness, but carefully considers Kanako's words and deems them somewhat reasonable. She offered Kanako a bright smile, saying, "Alright, let's just head out together, okay?"

Kanako agreed with a nod, following after the blonde with a grin plastered on her face, eyes wandering all around the inside of the change room.

If she was to come up with a dishonest excuse, Kanako would say that it was because she was a new employee and fascinated by her surroundings. If she had to come up with a somewhat honest excuse, Kanako would say that she was looking out for any suspicious interactions between the workers; infighting, arguments, bribery, things like that.

But let's be honest here. It's Kanako.

No matter what AU it is, there is no way she's passing up a chance to staring at her fellow female coworkers in the nude/dressing up/in cosplay.

All too soon, Mariya led the older woman outside the change room, showing Kanako where the kitchen was and how she should welcome customers.

"You need to look as cute as possible," Mariya advised. "Smile, be kind, and always remember to be kind. It'll get you some dedicated fans who'll stick to the café for a long time just to see you."

"R-really?" Kanako asked, unsure. "Do you actually have fans?"

The blonde gestured towards the clear glass doors, bringing attention to a group of men, waiting for the building to open.

"Those are my fans alone," Mariya stated. "Since I work the morning shift, my fans tend to come early just to see me. It also means that breakfasts are very busy. It'll slow down around lunch, but since you're working with me for now, you won't be able to see it until you get switched."

"Wow," Kanako gasped, almost afraid of the men standing right outside the door, before reminding herself to breathe. Calm down. Victory in battle depends on a calm mind.

"Yes, let's welcome them, why don't we?" Mariya said, smiling.

Kanako faltered, gasping. "U-u-uh, you want me to be a greeter? L-like you?"

"Oh no, we'll both be serving tables. I just want to thank the crowd for their patience."

 _'How kind!'_ Kanako thought, in awe of the generosity of the woman beside her.

"Thank you for waiting!" Mariya smiled at the group, opening the doors gently. "Please, take a seat."

"Y-yes, welcome!" Kanako added, unsure of what to do.

"You're a natural!" Mariya whispered to Kanako while waving at a pair of teenage boys.

"What?" Kanako whispered back, her wavering smile turning into a look of confusion.

"A natural 'Shy' type, of course!" Mariya replied.

Kanako began stammering, trying to protest, but Mariya gently poked her forehead, saying in her soft voice, "We have to go inside, the customers are waiting."

"A-ah, okay!" Kanako yelled, a bit too loud, tripping a bit over her own feet as she stepped inside.

* * *

"U-um, Mariya…"

"Yes Kanako?" Mariya looked up from the tray in her hand, staring at the older girl.

"I-is the pile of gifts in the corner normal?" Kanako asked, pointing at the truly massive mountain of gifts, boxes upon boxes stacked dangerously tall, nearly scraping against the ceiling.

"Yes," Mariya replied bluntly. "It's best to ignore it. Fanboys have a tendency to go overboard, after all."

"I-I see," Kanako stammered, returning to her work of collecting dishes, trying her best to ignore any fanboy-related oddities.

"Mariya Shidou! Please marry me!" A voice from the table behind her screamed.

Well, fuck.

Mariya seemed to handle the shouted marriage proposal much better than Kanako did, smiling as she replied with a soft, firm, "No."

However, no matter how poised or relaxed one was, there was no way someone could calmly and carefully handle what had happened next.

Mariya screamed, a pistol being pressed against her head as the man who had proposed to her grabbed her, wrapping his arms around her. The other three men at his table stood, pulling out guns of their own.

"If anyone interferes or calls the police, I'll blow her head off!" The man holding Mariya declared.

"Let go of me, you sick freak!" Mariya yelled, struggling against the arms wrapping around her.

"No, I'm afraid not. I think we'll have a spring wedding. Is that fine with you?"

"The only wedding you should ever attend is the wedding between you and the gravestone with your name on it!"

"Now, now, don't be like that-"

The would-be kidnapper was interrupted by a kick to the face.

More specifically, Kanako, jumping at the man at speeds surpassing a jet-plane, kicking him in the face, causing him to release his victim.

The other three pointed their guns at her, only to be discouraged as Kanako began laughing.

"You think you can fool a veteran like me with a couple fake guns?" Kanako asked mockingly, a wide grin on her face, like a fox smiling at its prey before the killing blow. It somehow made her much more terrifying than the kidnappers. "Please. I'll die from being beaten with a piece of tissue paper before some idiots like you manage to kill me."

Battle/Sadist mode was officially engaged.

The thug who had grabbed Mariya had attempted to stand, only for Kanako to stomp on his face, adding another lovely bruise to match the one on the other side.

" _ **If you have any self-preservation, you'll put your hands up and stay completely still,**_ " Kanako ordered, before turning towards the would-be victim. "Mariya, call them. Tell them that there was an attempted kidnapping at Heart's Delight Café. There are four aggressors, possibly more, with one incapacitated and the other three under custody. Please hurry."

Of course, Kanako meant something more along the lines of ' _call the police and tell them to get over here and arrest these people'_ but in her excitement, she forgot a few words.

However, when Mariya pulled out her cell phone, she didn't call the police, but a few… other associates.

That was because of a simple fact that was intentionally hidden from you readers until this point.

Mariya Shidou was the heir ( _not heir_ ess, _because it's very obvious that he's a crossdresser_ ) to a rather large Yakuza family, and he obviously didn't trust the police to catch the criminals that had just attempted to kidnap him.

Oh the irony.

* * *

"Kanako, shouldn't you be going to your own home?" Mariya asked, regarding his saviour with curiosity in his eyes.

"U-um, I was actually waiting for you," Kanako muttered nervously, switching from the cold, intimidating combat veteran to the awkward, clumsy woman Mariya had spoken with that morning. "I-I mean, not in an awkward way, I just mean so that you'll be safe going home, you know?"

"You're worried about me?"

"Of course!" Kanako exclaimed, shocking her co-worker. "You almost got kidnapped today! You're lucky that the people who did it were lovesick idiots, or else you'd be tied up in someone's basement right now!"

"Yes, I really am lucky. Thank you again for saving my life," Mariya smiled, amused by how quickly Kanako's face became redder than blood.

Kanako stammered, trying to force herself to say something, only succeeding in forcing strange sounds and partial words out of her throat.

 _'How is this the same person who threatened people with death?'_ Mariya wondered, absentmindedly packing his bag.

"You should be more careful!" Kanako screamed, finally managing to say something coherent.

"Huh?"

"I-I-I mean, the idiots back there were willing to get fake guns and try to kidnap you, right? S-so, if there were some smarter people who like you that much, they might jump you when you're alone and not ready to fight off an attack!" Kanako hurriedly explained.

Mariya wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that.

All his life, people had been trying to kill him. In order to become the next boss, for revenge, out of justice, the reasons were as varied as the attempts. He trusted very few people, knowing that anyone of them could be planning to kill him.

But then this woman, Kanako Miyamae, had saved him, without knowing him, and even _fearing for his life?_ That was practically unheard of, in all the years Mariya had lived.

 _'How odd.'_

* * *

"You can come inside," Mariya offered, waving at his house/mansion/excessively huge giant building residence thing.

"It's huge…" Kanako muttered in awe.

"Are you going to stare all day, or are you coming with me?" Mariya asked teasingly, looking back at the older woman as he walked towards his home.

"I-I'm coming!" Kanako declared, running after Mariya.

Kanako paused, carefully examining her surroundings, before reaching down her shirt and pulling out the pack of throwing knives she kept with her at all times.

"Mariya, run!" Kanako ordered, her body moving automatically as the first attacker presented herself. A knife quickly lodged itself in the attacker's abdomen, the woman screaming as the blade cut through her skin.

A smirk broke out on Mariya's face as he ran out of sight, hiding in a bush so he could still watch the fight.

 _'My underlings arrived quickly. Well then, impress me, Miss Miyamae,'_ the young Yakuza heir thought to himself as another trio of his henchmen charged at his co-worker.

Meanwhile, Kanako was reliving her lessons, a smile on her face as she danced and weaved out of the line of fire, dodging and jumping out of the way of kicks and punches, her knives always finding their mark.

 _'Miyamae, since you're doing abysmally with the proper use of a gun, we have decided to teach you the art of knives instead,'_ her instructor's voice echoed throughout her head, guiding her through the now-familiar exercises.

Steady your breathing, correct your stance, take aim and throw!

 _'Well done, Miyamae. Remember, unless the attacker is an immediate threat, you always aim to stun and disarm the target first. Aiming for the feet and legs is a good way of immobilizing the target.'_

Three knives later, and three goons found a blade lodged in their left foot, preventing them from moving.

She might have been laughing, joyous giggling bubbling out of her mouth as more and more practice dummies- sorry, _assassins_ , fell to her blades.

 _'She's fucking laughing! She's a fucking veteran!'_

"Mariya, can you call the morgue?" Kanako asked, smiling widely as she turned to face the blonde's hiding spot. "We'll have a bunch of corpses on our hands soon."

"Impressive," Mariya commented, taking out his phone. "You're obviously very familiar with battle. How would you like to join my family?"

Now, in context; as in, if you knew Mariya was a Yakuza who wanted to recruit Kanako, you would see that this question was completely innocent.

However, Kanako had no idea about this. And she came to the most likely conclusion one would make when one is asked to become part of a (crime) family.

"E-e-eh?!" She stammered. "Y-you want me t-to m-m-marry you?!"

"What the hell?! No! I want you to become my bodyguard!" Mariya corrected, just as flustered as Kanako, equally dark blushes on both of their faces. He was so flustered that he forgot to do his falsetto, his voice coming out in its natural baritone state.

"I can't handle having three jobs!" Kanako declared. "I decline profusely!"

"Three?" Mariya asked, his embarrassment disappearing in an instant.

Was it possible? Was she already employed by another branch?

"I-I-I," Kanako stuttered once again, unsure of what to say. She couldn't just _admit_ she was a policewoman, right? Even if it was unlikely, there was still a chance that Mariya was the one stealing funds from the café, and it would be a bad idea to reveal that in front of a potential thief.

"I work for my sister's lab! It's completely volunteer work, and it's unpaid, but I still have to do it!"

 _'She's lying through her teeth!'_ Mariya growled internally, though he kept his face a mask of polite disappointment.

"I see," Mariya replied. "So you're completely loyal to your sister? Not even money can persuade you?"

"A-ah, if you're asking if I'll protect you from creeps and stuff, I'll do that for free, so there's no need to pay me or anything," Kanako declared.

 _That_ was something that shocked Mariya. _'There is no such thing as a free lunch_ ,' was practically his family creed. Nothing came without price, and nothing could not be bought.

But as Kanako stammered and declared something like that, she just seemed… completely genuine. It was obvious that while she was skilled in battle, lying was not her strongest point. And so, Mariya had no choice but to accept that, for what may be the first time in his life, someone was offering something to him for free, no sinister intentions or possible double-crossing in sight.

Slowly, like a baby taking their first steps, Mariya allowed himself to trust Kanako, if only a little bit.

* * *

Miki Miyamae woke up at four in the morning, all because of an incessant ringing that rang throughout her apartment.

Groaning, the brunette grabbed the phone and pressed it to her ear, struggling to keep the annoyance out of her voice as she greeted the speaker.

"Hello? This is Miki Miyamae. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Good morning," The voice replied without a trace of emotion, sounding almost robotic as she ( _it was a woman, right?_ ) spoke. "I would like to inquire your relations with Kanako Miyamae."

"She's my sister," Miki answered, before alarm bells began ringing in her head. "Th-this isn't a phone call to tell me that she did something illegal, right? You aren't a police officer?"

"No, Kanako Miyamae has done nothing wrong," The other person stated. "We have just taken interest in her."

"Who's 'we'?" Miki asked suspiciously, eyes narrowing as she waited for an answer.

"We want to recruit her as a bodyguard," The voice on the other end didn't answer Miki's question, but just saying this was enough to distract Miki to the point that she didn't notice.

 _'Wait, wait, what the fuck?'_

"She'll be perfectly fine," The other person added. "We will take good care of her and feed her and pay her well. We just needed to know if she had any living relatives. Good day now."

As the phone offered nothing but a long beeping sound, Miki could only wonder one thing.

 _'Kanako, what kind of people have you been associating with?!'_

* * *

"Master Shizu, your brother seems to be planning something," Rindou reported as he helped the young lady into her dress.

"What sort of thing?" Shizu asked, staying as still as possible as her butler tied a necklace around her neck.

"He's trying to recruit someone. A waitress at the Heart's Delight café named Kanako Miyamae."

"Why would he want a waitress as a recruit?"

"Apparently, she's quite skilled in knife-throwing," Rindou stated, leaving out the part where she managed to subdue more than five of their fighters at once.

"Oh no," Shizu gasped, concern pooling in her eyes. "I can't let my brother recruit her! He'll turn her live into a living hell, and make her go on a massacre!"

"What do you propose we do, Master Shizu?" Rindou inquired, smile still on his face as Shizu panicked and flailed.

"I don't know, but make sure to keep Mariya away from Miss Kanako at all costs! You're even allowed to knock him out if you must!"

"Yes Ma'am," Rindou answered with a smile, wondering which trap would be best for this situation.

* * *

"So you were actually serious about protecting me for free?" Mariya asked, addressing the woman walking beside him.

"Yeah, of course!" Kanako answered, a proud grin on her face as she pressed her palm to her chest, fingers pressing against the fabric of the cat costume she wore, declaring, "If I didn't mean it, I would never say it!"

"That's a good trait to have," Mariya smiled to himself, wondering if he really believed that.

Meanwhile, within the confines of the Shidou household, Rindou looked up from his binoculars, saying to Shizu, "Your brother is taking a break from work. He's walking around the building with Miss Miyamae."

"WHAT?!" Shizu screamed, dropping her book in shock. "Get them away from each other! Immediately!"

"Of course, Master Shizu," Rindou replied with a smile as he flew out the window, defying the laws of psychics to follow his master's orders.

(Note: The events written may or may not deviate from the laws of reality in order to achieve comedic effect. Thank you for your understanding. )

Oblivious to any events involving his sister and a certain psychics-defying butler, Mariya continued to walk beside Kanako in the comfortable silence, an easy-going smile on his face.

And then he got hit in the head. Hard.

Hard enough to make his vision go blurry and his ears ring loud enough that he couldn't hear anything at all. He felt pain and numbness at the same time, barely aware of his body moving against his will.

Before he fell to the ground, he was vaguely aware of someone screaming.

* * *

"Mariya!" Kanako screamed, pulling at the top of her dress to grab some of her knives.

"We can't have that," The man holding Mariya smiled calmly, dropping the blonde to the ground as he pulled out a weapon. "I apologize for this, Miss Miyamae."

The golden-eyed man stabbed at Kanako with the needle, heat and electricity numbing her body.

As she slumped to the ground, Kanako wondered how the man knew her name.

* * *

"Hey."

 _'Shut up. Go away. I want to sleep.'_

"Wake up."

 _'Everything hurts and feels bad. I don't want to deal with this.'_

"KANAKO MIYAMAE, WAKE THE HELL UP!"

Kanako wailed as she jolted awake, startled by the sudden loud noises.

Mariya addressed her with an annoyed glare, his arms bent behind his back and his knees supporting his weight in an uncomfortable position.

"Finally," Mariya huffed, rolling his eyes. "Pass me one of your knives."

"Hold on, what's going on?" Kanako asked, confused.

"We're kidnapped and tied up and the only things that can get us out of this situation are your knives," Mariya stated with a bored expression.

Awkwardly, Kanako tried to reach her chest, at first with her hands, then with her teeth when she realized she was tied up as well.

Unfortunately, this had no effect other than making her look strange, seeing as she couldn't actually _reach_ her chest, even when she bent her neck as far down as it could go.

"I can't reach it," Kanako said, pointing out the obvious.

Mariya rolled his eyes, before folding over, snatching the top of Kanako's cat-themed waitress outfit with his teeth.

"Wait, what-"

Kanako was cut off by the loud sound of fabric ripping, Mariya pulling off most of the front of her dress.

Anything Kanako could have said in protest was stifled when Mariya leaned in again, this time pulling out the pack of knives Kanako kept in her bra.

"What are you doing?" Kanako asked as Mariya bit down on one of the knives that clattered to the floor.

"What does it look like?" Mariya replied sarcastically, though it came out a bit muffled given the knife handle in his mouth.

"Turn around," Mariya ordered, folding his chest down once again once Kanako obliged.

 _'I could stab her in the back right now,_ ' Mariya realized, before mentally shaking his head. ' _That wouldn't benefit me in the least.'_

He quickly sawed through the ropes binding Kanako's wrists, spitting the knife out onto the floor.

"Now cut me free," Mariya demanded, rolling over onto his stomach so the task would be easier.

 _'She could stab me in the back and escape on her own,'_ A tiny voice muttered in Mariya's mind.

 _'She's far too noble for that,'_ Mariya retorted as he felt the knife hack at the ropes around his arms.

 _'Don't act like you know her. Don't drop your guard.'_

 _'Shut up_ , _'_ Mariya answered, feeling the rope impressions left on his arms.

"Hold on, I need to cut the ones around your feet too," Kanako said, before doing just so. She also took the time to free herself completely from the ropes' restraint.

Mariya stretched as he stood, enjoying the feeling of sensation returning to his cramped legs. Kanako jumped up immediately, gathering her knives, ignoring the one slathered in Mariya's spit.

"Can you use one of these?" Kanako asked, holding out a knife for Mariya to take.

"I'm better with a gun, but I'm good with knives too," Mariya answered as he took the handle.

Wordlessly, the two began their quest to escape their sudden imprisonment.

* * *

"Wow, she really _is_ good," Rindou commented in admiration as he watched the surveillance footage, watching Kanako and Mariya fight their way through hordes of bodyguards. Unfortunately, said action must remain off-screen, because said action would be too awesome for both me to portray accurately and for the story to handle. My apologies.

"That's not the important part here!" Shizu cried, bringing the focus back to the story and not the fourth-wall-breaking comments. "Her head's going to be filled with all of Mariya's lies if she spends any more time with him! We have to separate them!"

"Ah, but they're already here," Rindou said nonchalantly. "Shall I welcome them inside?"

"WHAT?!" Shizu screamed as the door opened.

"Dammit Shizu!" Mariya yelled, approaching his sister with a menacing aura surrounding him. "What the hell do you think you're doing, kidnapping me like that out of the blue?"

"I was trying to save Miss Kanako from you!" Shizu admitted honestly, backing away from her brother. "There's no way I can let you recruit her!"

"What, do you want her for yourself?" Mariya asked.

"No! I'm just trying to save her from your influence!"

"The tea is ready," Rindou announced, carrying a tea set on a silver tray towards the siblings, though the quarreling twins ignored him.

Kanako tentatively took one of the cups and took a sip, before making a face of delight.

"It's delicious!"

"Why, thank you," Rindou responded with a bow. "It warms this butler's heart to think that you appreciate my work so."

"What kind of tea is this?" Kanako wondered, too busy in her tea-drinking to notice the twins anymore.

"Tea flavour," Rindou answered evasively. "I could teach you how to make it if you want."

"That would be fun!" Kanako smiled, offering her hand to the golden-eyed man. "My name is Kanako Miyamae. It's nice to meet you."

"Rindou Shinouji. A pleasure," Rindou shook her hand with a grin.

"Rindou! What are you doing!?" Shizu demanded, dodging a knife strike from her brother. "Hurry up and pass me a gun!"

"Which kind, Master Shizu?"

"Any!" Shizu answered frantically.

"If you give her a gun, you have to give me one too," Mariya ordered.

"But you already have a knife!" Shizu whined.

"It's not like I'm cheating. You can't cheat if there's no rules."

"Wait, when did this happen?" Kanako asked, completely unfazed by the fighting. "You were off-screen while me and Rindou were talking, so I'm kind of lost."

"IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT?" Shizu called out, batting a strike from her brother away from her face. "ARE YOU REALLY NOT CARING ABOUT THE FACT THAT MY BROTHER IS TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

"Wait, _brother?"_

"Why yes, Master Mariya is male," Rindou answered as he threw a pair of pistols towards the twins. "He cross-dresses in order to avoid people hunting the heir to the Shidou family. After all, a Yakuza family makes many enemies, so caution is needed for even the smallest things."

Kanako had no idea how to reply, her mouth flapping open and shut uselessly.

"Wait, I'm supposed to arrest all of you!" Kanako cried out, too lost in her own world to care about how she just carelessly screamed crucial information. "You're all too nice to be Yakuza! I can't arrest you guys!"

"Arrest?" Mariya paused, his gun a few centimeters from Shizu's face as he turned towards Kanako. "You're a policewoman?"

"Yeah, wait, shit," Kanako replied, just realizing what she had just done. "Please don't kill me."

"On one condition," Mariya said smugly. "You join our ranks as a bodyguard, and swear your loyalty to the Shidou name."

"Kanako, don't!" Shizu yelled dramatically. "My brother is evil! Don't do it!"

"Of course, if you don't, you won't be the only one dying," Mariya added. "What was her name, oh, Miki, right? Of course, she's dying with you."

Kanako gulped, before slowly bowing her head.

"F-fine."

"Great!" Mariya smiled. "You'll start your work tomorrow, when we go to the café together. And of course, it's your job to protect me on the way home, and while I'm sleeping."

"Basically, we'll be living together **24/7** ," Mariya finished with a smirk.

Kanako had the vaguest feeling she had just sold her soul to the devil.

* * *

 **This chapter was inspired by Honto Yajuu, a yaoi manga about the romance between a** **policeman and a gangster, _Be My Dangerous Girl,_ an excellent Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle fic you should definitely read if you're in that fandom, and a comment from sonicfan2000 that somehow became this chapter.**

 **BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.**

 **WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT I'M IN THE GREATEST MOOD EVER EVEN IF I'M SICK AT THE MOMENT.**

 **KARIN OCHIBI-CHAN PUT A SHOUT-OUT TO THIS FIC IN THE 'TALES OF THE PERVERTED AND THE CONCEITED' AND LEFT A REVIEW. AND I GOT RECOGNIZED BY PYKSIL, THE AUTHOR OF THE AMAZING (AND CURRENTLY ONLY FIC IN THE AO3 MARIA HOLIC ARCHIVE) 'REALLY, YOU?'**

 **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.**

 **I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER AND SEE YOU NEXT UPDATE AND YAY.**


	68. MORE BABIES

**No, no, no, you've got it all wrong.**

Chapter Rio no: RIO YOU DUMB CUTE IDIOT BABY

Alternate Title: _Rio is his mother's son through and through_

* * *

Believe it or not, Yui Shidou is a very patient person.

She can completely ignore the sound of an alarm in the morning, and not respond to someone poking her in the back incessantly. In fact, in her old middle school, her classmates had made a game of trying to make her react to something with emotion. They never succeeded.

The only exception was when her brother was involved.

She loved him, she truly did, but Rio had a bad habit of ignoring things like common sense or social decency. Yui practically babied him, getting him out of trouble he had caused himself, scolding him for idiotic mistakes and explaining simple things to him. Despite the two being the same age and being siblings, Yui thought of him as more of a puppy she had to protect and watch over.

Which is exactly why, whenever Rio entered the picture, Yui would turn aggressive and foul-tempered, eyes scanning everyone in the vicinity for any threats to her happy-go-lucky little brother.

Unsurprisingly, this is exactly why Yui Shidou did not take having three teenage boys after her brother's heart from the first day of school well. At all.

* * *

"And for my next trick," Chie pauses, waiting for the confetti and flower petals to settle about his feet before finishing his words, mostly for dramatic effect. "I'm going to steal your heart!"

Rio dons an expression of pure befuddlement, wondering what his friend could mean. The most obvious conclusion the one he is most unlikely to reach.

"U-um, Chie, I need my heart to live. Please don't kill me," Rio pleads, his voice tiny as he averts his eyes from the other boy.

Chie looks completely and utterly shocked, before remembering that he fell in love with someone with the awareness of a rock. Wordlessly, he moves his hand right behind the dark-haired boy's neck ( _If he leaned in, their lips would be just close enough to touch_ ), before pulling a paper heart out of nowhere, showing the pink paper to the other boy with a smile on his face.

"Wow! That's amazing!" Rio gasps, applauding Chie's magic trick once again.

Vaguely, Chie wonders if the other boy's obliviousness is a form of magic too, seeing as it's impossible for someone to be that dense naturally.

( _Unfortunately for his suitors, Rio is his mother's son through and through, and apparently obliviousness is a hereditary trait_.)

* * *

"Rio, he wasn't trying to kill you," Yui explains exasperatedly.

"But he said he would steal my heart!" Rio replies, clutching his hands to his chest defensively. "I need my heart!"

"He was trying to flirt with you."

Yui can almost see the 'Loading' symbol hovering above Rio's head as he dons a look of confusion.

Several seconds later, Rio looks stumped, and the 'Loading' symbol has become a 'No results' screen, causing Yui to sigh.

She would feel bad for Chie if the oblivious boy in this scenario was anyone else.

But because it was her brother that the wannabe magician was pursuing, she had no choice but to throw a wrench into each and every one of his plans.

* * *

"Yui?"

Yui didn't respond, still absorbed in her book.

"Uh, Yui," Rio calls out again, voice a little bit more insistent this time.

Gently, he pokes his sister in the forehead, only to flinch back when she retaliates with a fiery glare.

"What the fuck do you want?" Yui demands.

"Um, Chihiro is here to tutor me, but you're shirtless and I don't want you to get caught-"

"Slower."

"Um, Chihiro is coming over to tutor me. You're shirtless. If he sees you shirtless, he will know you're a girl and get you expelled," Rio says slowly, pausing between each sentence for his sister to understand.

Yui looks down at her body, as if she didn't notice her lack of a shirt beforehand, before shrugging.

"I'm flatter than a board," Yui retorts. "I'll be able to pass as a boy with my shirt off."

"That's indecent!" Rio protests.

"Does it really matter?" Yui questions. "If he can't tell, it's not important."

"But Yui," Rio whines, unconsciously pulling out a kicked-puppy look, instantly weakening his sister. "Please put on a shirt?"

"Fine," Yui huffs, averting her eyes from her brother's teary face.

Twenty seconds, a little shuffling and a distinct 'I don't want to see that!' later and the door to the Shidou twins' room is flung open, an excited Rio and an apathetic Yui ready to greet their guest.

They didn't expect to find a pile of plastic bags where a human body was supposed to be though.

"Is he hiding?" Rio wondered, examining the bags closer.

They seemed to be bags from a nearby grocery store. But why were there so many? And where was Chihiro?

"Ah," Chihiro mutters as he opens the door across the hall, meeting the eyes of the Shidou twins from the safety of his room. At least five plastic bags stuffed full of boxy things hang from each of his wrists, and Rio can barely resist the urge to peek inside all of them.

"I brought snacks," Chihiro states simply.

"Wait, you mean _all_ of those are snacks?" Yui asked, gesturing at the pile of bags at her feet.

"Yup. I didn't know what you guys liked, so I got some of everything. Can I come in now, or what?" Chihiro inquired with a carefree smile plastered across his face and his hands stuffed in his pockets, both contrasting with the serious image presented by the square-framed glasses resting on his nose and the impeccably neat state of his uniform.

"Come in!" Rio exclaims, excitedly dragging many plastic bags into his and his sister's room. Yui begrudgingly helps him, carelessly tossing some bags behind her, not caring where the contents landed.

 _'I honestly can't tell whether he hoarded them in his room and decided to bring it, or if he bought them for today. Either way, it's creepy,'_ Yui thinks, alarmed by just how many bags there were in their room.

"You bought more than twenty bags," Yui says, and it's more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, I noticed that Rio eats a lot during lunch," Chihiro replies.

"Wow, you're really observant! And thoughtful!" Rio exclaims, a bright smile on his face. "Thank you so much for thinking of me and my sister!"

As if he was caught under a blood-red spotlight, Chihiro's entire face (and even his ears and neck!) turn crimson, incomprehensible syllables spilling from his mouth. Rio, being the oblivious butt he is, was concerned his friend was choking, and slapped the taller boy on the back repeatedly.

"That's not how you help a choking person," Yui deadpans, grabbing a bottle of soda from one of the bags and tossing it to the blushing boy.

"I-It's not?" Rio deflates, his eyes turning melancholy and his fingers absentmindedly playing with his pajama sleeves. "D-Did I make it worse?"

"No, you didn't," Yui reassures her brother as Chihiro gulps down mouthfuls of the sweet drink, before wiping his mouth with a satisfied sigh.

"So, what's the homework for today?" Chihiro asks. "I wasn't really paying attention."

"Rio, why the _fuck_ did you choose someone like this to be your tutor?" Yui addresses her brother pointedly, ignoring Chihiro's offended reaction.

"Hiro is plenty smart!" Rio defends his friend with a determined frown on his face. "He's the second best in grades in all of the first years! He's right after you in terms of smarts!"

Both Yui and Chihiro gasp and reply in shock, but not to the same thing.

"He's _what?_ " Yui asks, trying very hard not to let her jaw drop to the floor.

"You called me _Hiro_?"

Yui glances at the bespectacled boy, utterly unimpressed with her brother's choice of educational aide, before turning back to face her brother.

"You know, if you wanted some help, you could have just asked me. I'd do a _much_ better job than Mister Slacker over here," Yui offers, glaring at Chihiro as she spoke.

"What the hell? He can ask who-"Chihiro is cut off by Rio's gentle chuckle filling the room.

"Thank you very much for offering, Yui!" Rio exclaims with a smile. "You're the kindest twin ever! But I want to be able to become your equal without your help. It feels like it's cheating if I do that, do you get it?"

"If you're not willing to accept my help, then why the fuck are you getting help from _him?_ " Yui jabs her thumb towards Chihiro, refusing to even face the boy her brother chose as a tutor.

"You know, I'm still here," Chihiro comments, feeling completely and utterly ignored.

This feeling quickly disappears into the deepest, darkest pit of oblivion, because just then, Rio wraps his arms around Chihiro's stomach, peering out from behind the taller boy to face his sister.

"It's only cheating if I get your help," Rio states simply, as if expecting that statement to substitute an entire explanation.

"Fine, do whatever you want," Yui snaps, completely miffed by her brother rebuffing her help.

"Thank you for understanding!" Rio smiles, bowing as he speaks. "Let's all get ice cream together tomorrow!"

"Does this include me?" Chihiro wonders, turning to face the boy latching to his midsection.

"Yup!" Rio declares, directing his beam-like smile towards the taller boy.

As Chihiro's face becomes an even brighter shade of red and Yui yells at her brother to let go of him and get started on their homework, Chihiro finds himself wondering if he somehow managed to wander straight into paradise by accident.

* * *

"Yui…" Rio whispers, poking his sleeping sister in the forehead as he looms over her.

"What is it?" Yui mutters sleepily as she slowly opens her eyes.

"Should I have brought snacks?" Rio asks, completely serious.

Yui stares her brother down with complete and utter irritation, spitting out a, "Go to sleep," before closing her eyes once again.

"But I'm so embarrassed!" Rio wails, covering his face with his hands. "Chihiro went out of his way to get snacks that both of us liked, and I didn't even _consider_ it!"

"Why is it affecting you so much?"

"Because," Rio whines, stretching out the word for much longer than one would think was necessary. "I was the host! I was the one who was supposed to be all polite and junk! But Chihiro is a dozen times more considerate and kind than I am in a single day than I am in a year!"

"Rio. Stop panicking. It's not a competition," Yui reminds her brother with a bored expression on her face, already used to this conversation.

"But Yui! I don't want him to think I'm a bad host or impolite or-"Yui interrupts her brother's laundry list of bad traits by shoving a hand over his mouth.

"It's impossible for him to think badly of you," Yui states calmly, omitting the ' _Because he's head over heels for you,'_ part.

"Really?" Rio asks, eyes full of doubt.

"Of course. Now go to sleep."

"Okay, thanks Yui! Good night!" Rio smiles as he climbs into his bed.

Yui sighs, before adding a "Good night," of her own.

* * *

 _'You've got to be kidding me,'_ Yui thinks as she watches Mori correct her brother's archery stance.

It's not even the fact that someone other than her is helping her little brother that annoys her.

It's the fact that _apparently_ , Mori found the need to stand extremely close to Rio, his hands overlapping Rio's as he shows the shorter boy a better way to pull at the string of his bow. Yui can practically see how Mori adjusts their stance so his chest is pressed _right against_ Rio's back.

Red flags raise in Yui's mind, anger storming in her bright blue eyes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She snaps, glaring up at the boy holding her brother.

Mori flinches, hands flying up in the air, his calm demeanor vanishing as Yui stares him down.

Rio, shocked by the sudden movement, accidentally lets go of the bowstring, his arrow flying through the air, landing directly in the center of the bullseye.

"Wow!" Rio exclaims, completely oblivious to the tense atmosphere surrounding his friend and his sister. "Your advice really worked, Mori! That's the first bullseye I got this week!"

"Rio, its Monday," Yui deadpans, before returning to intimidating Mori.

"I-I didn't mean anything by it!" Mori yells in a panic. "It was just some advice your brother needed! Honest!"

" ** _Are you saying that Rio is bad at archery?_** "

"N-no, not at all!" Mori desperately wants to add a, 'Please _don't hurt me,'_ but worries that saying that will only provoke the agitated Shidou.

"Thank you so much for your advice, Mori!" Rio exclaims, wrapping his arms around the taller boy in a hug.

Mori guesses, by the demonic growl that slips from Yui's mouth just then, that Rio just signed his death warrant.

* * *

 **[PROHIBITED]** was known to his classmates as a kind-hearted, soft-spoken boy who would help with anything if asked.

He was the type of student to say, 'Good morning,' to everyone, every morning. He would arrive to school extraordinarily late because he took the time to hold the door open for every last student.

Because of his kind heart and willingness to go along with any scheme, he was easily taken advantage of by someone like Yui Shidou.

"As my henchman of three years, I have decided to grant you some basic privileges, as a reward for your loyalty, so long as you help in my goals and do not report my true gender to the authorities," Yui states simply, her aura of quiet intimidation easily overpowering **[PROHIBITED]'s** aura of gentle altruism, leaving no room to interrupt or disobey. And unfortunately for **[PROHIBITED]** Rio isn't there with his bright smiles and cheerfulness to calm down his sister.

"One; I will allow you use of my phone number, but only for the sake of our mission. If you waste my time with useless drivel, I will not forgive you," Yui continues, counting off numbers on her fingers. "Two; should you ask, I will do favours for you, but only if proper compensation comes at a later date. I will be the one to determine what counts for proper compensation. Lastly; you may speak to Rio without supervision."

Yui's tone made it clear that she considered the last privilege (if you can call it that) the most important one of all, and she would punish him with a fate worse than a fate worse than death (That's four times the torture than a regular 'fate worse than death') if he abused her trust.

Briefly, **[PROHIBITED]** wondered if he was the first non-relative _ever_ to gain Yui's trust.

* * *

Like Yui, **[PROHIBITED]** also had an exception to his kindness and generosity. And also like Yui, said exception was Rio Shidou.

 **[PROHIBITED]** practically did a 180 in personality whenever Rio entered the equation, changing from a calm, well-manner boy to a stammering, rude, blushing mess.

Of course, this being Rio, he didn't really notice, already being used to **[PROHIBITED]** 's abrasive insults after knowing him for three years.

That didn't make **[PROHIBITED]** relax at all when Rio's name appears on his phone, a simple text message saying nothing but 'meet me on the roof at 3!' below it.

Gulping, **[PROHIBITED]** did as he was told, waiting on the roof nervously.

Rio couldn't have known that the roof was a typical romantic confession spot, right? It was Rio. The same oblivious, cheerful Rio that didn't notice three years' worth of one-sided romantic tension in the air.

"Nice to see you!" Rio cries out, surprising **[PROHIBITED]** with a flying hug.

"L-l-let go of me!" **[PROHIBITED]** demands, flailing as Rio hugs him.

"Wow, have you gotten even taller over the break?" Rio asks, wrapping his legs around **[PROHIBITED]** 's waist. "Look! I can hang from your neck and my feet don't touch the ground!"

"You're choking me, you dense dumbass!"

"I am? I'm so sorry!" Rio immediately let go, landing on the rooftop easily.

"W-what did you even want from me, anyways?" **[PROHIBITED]** asks.

"Oh right! I wanted to ask you something," Rio smiles. "Something _really_ important."

A-and it's only because of the heat that **[PROHIBITED]** 's face turns red right there, t-there's a-absolutely no way, and I mean no way at all that it could be Rio's statement that just _oh so happens_ to sounds a lot like a prelude to a confession, alright?!

(Note: The narration has decided to reflect just how tsundere **[PROHIBITED]** is in this passage. It may or may not happen again.)

"W-what could it be?"

"Help me get a boyfriend."

What.

As if oblivious to **[PROHIBITED]** 's utterly shocked state (oh, who am I kidding, he _is_ oblivious), Rio continues, face turning redder and redder as he spoke.

"Well, Yui is kind of overprotective, which kind of scares away guys. Plus there's no one around who's interested in me, so that's another challenge to overcome if I want to start dating someone now," Rio sighs.

 _'W-wait, so he completely missed the fact that four guys in our class alone are aiming for him?!'_

"Why do you even want one, anyways? And what do I have to do with it?"

"W-well, you're kind of the only one I trust with this stuff," Rio mutters, causing **[PROHIBITED]** 's heart to start racing. "If I go to Yui for this stuff, she's more likely to try and keep every guy in the area away from me rather than help. And as much as I like Chie and Chihiro and Mori, I still don't want to just ask them this out of the blue. So you're the only one I can depend on for this, **[PROHIBITED].** "

"W-well, why don't you try to date me?" **[PROHIBITED]** crosses his fingers behind his back, almost praying for Rio to accept so they can start the 'pretend-to-date-but-then-really-start-dating' romance plot.

"Don't you have a crush on my sister?"

Well, there goes **[PROHIBITED]** 's hopes and dreams.

"Don't try to deny it!" Rio proclaims with a smile. "I see how you act all nice and polite around her and junk! And even if she insults you, she's just shy! Don't let the coldness and the rudeness deter you, Yui's the nicest and sweetest girl on the planet!"

 _'He's completely blind when it comes to people's true natures and their love lives!'_

"So how about it?" Rio inquires with a cheeky grin as sweet as ice cream on his face, and **[PROHIBITED]** can't help but feel weakened by it. "You help me with my love life, I help you with yours?"

 **[PROHIBITED]** _knows_ that Yui will kill him if she finds out, he _knows_ that if he actually succeeds in getting Rio a boyfriend, he's bound for a world of heartbreak, he _knows_ that agreeing might possibly lead to the worst outcome possible.

But even so, he seals their deal with a handshake, because even if he won't be the one standing by Rio's side at the end, as long as he can see that sun-like grin, he'll be satisfied in the end.

* * *

 **I started laughing so many times during this and it's not just the medicine making me act weird.**

 **Also, some fun facts since I have some free time.**

 **\- Chie is actually the son of Yuzuru and Sachi through artificial insemination. Kanako suggested they change their last names so they had the same one. She didn't expect them to change their last name to a Digimon parody though.**

 **-Chie is actually very good with schoolwork, he's just a bit lazy.**

 **\- Mori is the nephew of the homeroom teacher, and is currently living with her.**

 **-Technically, Mori is the nephew of his mother. His dad made a mistake on their anniversary night (alcohol and his wife having an identical twin sister being the two largest factors) and accidentally got his wife's sister pregnant. The woman you all know as the apathetic homeroom teacher of the first year class decided to give the baby to her sister, leading to a change of custody. Mori's father has never been forgiven for this mistake.**

 **-Chihiro has four sisters. They all treat him like a baby, doting him to hell and back. He refuses to show it, but he appreciates their efforts at bonding very much.**

 **-Chihiro has a scar on his hand from a cooking accident. For a long time, he refused to cook for himself, scared it might happen again, but he grew out of it.**

 **-[PROHIBITED] is the adopted son of [CENSORED] and the Blind Dog. He absolutely loves his fathers, though he seems to have inherited some Tsundere traits from the both of them.**

 **-[PROHIBITED] met Yui and Rio at the end of elementary school, when their parents (who are on good terms, barring Mariya) arranged a play date for all of them. He fell in love with Rio at first sight, leading to an argument between him and Yui. Surprisingly, that was how they became good friends and remained so ever since.**

 **\- Rio and Yui are fraternal twins, not identical. They're actually complete opposites in looks, with Rio getting his red eyes from his dad and black hair from his mom, while Yui gets blonde hair from Mariya and blue eyes from Kanako. Because Rio looks intimidating if he's not smiling, and Yui looks friendly if not glaring at people, people started assuming that they were an 'angel-demon' duo, with Rio as the demon and Yui as the angel. When they turned out to be wrong, they gave the twins the flattering nickname of 'Polar Opposite Angel-Looking Demon and Demon-Looking Angel Twins'.**

 **-The only subject that Rio beats Yui in is gym. This isn't because he's more athletic than her (Yui's actually the stronger one), but because he actually _tries_ to win. He gets full points for participation, while Yui doesn't really care.**

 **-Yui and Rio have the exact same height and weight.**

 **-Rio is really competitive, and enjoys video games with a player vs. player mode so he can play against others, though he's easily discouraged if he loses. Yui prefers puzzle games, but will join Rio in an occasional match if asked.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you nest update! :D**


	69. miki & dragons & dreams & sisterly love

**No and no.**

Chapter Miki No: No Miki

Alternate Title: _This was supposed to be Miki angst but then became Miki whining about her sister_

* * *

 _Dragons are not merciful._

 _Dragons will_ **rip you apart** _if you anger them._

 _Despite knowing this, Kanako spoke up, interrupting the large monster's speech._

 _"Wait. My sister is innocent."_

 _"_ **Innocent? She has killed one of our young. For that, she must be destroyed,"** _The eldest dragon retorted._

 _"Kanako, what are you_ doing _?" Miki hissed, glaring at her older sister. "He'll rip you apart!"_

 _With a kind smile, Kanako replied with, "So long as it's not you."_

 _Kanako stood, gentle smile on her face as she faced the counsel of dragons._

 _"If you need someone to strike down, let it be me in place of my sister," Kanako declared. "I will take full responsibility for Miki's actions."_

 _"Kanako,_ don't!"

 _"_ **Are you truly willing to face death for a crime your kin has committed?** " _The Dragon of Judgement asked, respect growing in his eyes as he eyed the young woman._

 _"Yes."_

 **"Then let it be done. Kanako Miyamae, we accept you as tribute. Come towards your doom, so that the Dragon of Hunting may be avenged."**

 _Miki screamed as her sister walked towards the beasts, reaching for her sword. But Kanako simply shook her head at her, before smiling that gentle smile, stunning the brunette._

 _That was the last memory Miki had of her sister before she disappeared forever._

* * *

 _"Kanako isn't coming back. Ever," Miki answered Shizu, tears in her eyes as she spoke._

 _"What?" Shizu gasped, stepping away from the brunette. "No, that's not possible. Kanako wouldn't die like that. She would only die from some sort of silly accident, or if…"_

 _"If what?" Miki asked._

 _"If she sacrificed herself to save you."_

 _Miki hung her head low, ashamed by how she didn't even last an hour before the true reason behind her sister's death was revealed._

 _"Yeah. That's right. She died to save me," Miki said, her voice devoid of emotions as she faced the man she loved with blank eyes._

 _"It's all my fault."_

 _"It is."_

 _Miki snapped her head up to meet Shizu's bright-red eyes, only to see him glaring down at her._

 _"It's all your fault that she's dead," Shizu reiterated, rage making his voice shaky. "I'll never forgive you for this!"_

 _Shizu ran out of the house, and Miki could barely see him go with the tears in her eyes._

 _She collapsed to the floor of her childhood home and began to cry._

* * *

Miki Miyamae woke with a start, screaming as she sat up.

Dream.

It was nothing but a bad dream.

T-there was absolutely n-no way it could _ever_ happen…

' _It's so obvious that I'm lying…'_ Miki thought to herself, letting herself lie back down on her bed, absentmindedly staring at the ceiling, too wrapped up in her own contemplation to care much about how tired she was.

Miki knew for a fact that Kanako would sacrifice herself in an instant if it was for Miki's safety. It was a simple fact that was as much as part of her life as the endless sky and earth between her feet.

Miki was honestly a little bit unsettled and kind of confused by Kanako's devotion to her.

She just couldn't understand _why_ Kanako tried to smother her so much. It wasn't like she was the only Miyamae sister Kanako could direct her affection towards, or that she was particularly cute or deserving of it. And yet Kanako insisted on treating her like a princess, lavishing her with gifts and attention and even doing the most mundane of tasks for Miki.

Miki hated it, detested it, _despised it._ She wasn't a child! She didn't need to be coddled and protected and… and… and _spoiled_ like that!

But, somewhere in the depths of her heart, Miki admitted that it wasn't all that bad.

(A few hours later, Kanako woke up in the morning, with only a fading memory of a dream where she was eaten alive by dragons)

* * *

 **I AM SO SORRY SONICFAN2000 I DON'T KNOW HOW THE MIKI CHAPTER YOU SUGGESTED TURNED INTO A SISTER LOVE CHAPTER INSTEAD OF A LOVE HURTS CHAPTER.**

 **Oh right, this chapter that I have just butchered was suggested by sonicfan2000, and I apologize profusely for messing it up.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, see you next update and please don't be too disappointed in me.**


	70. Can you hear me?

**Do not own nothing, anything, anyone or Maria Holic.**

Chapter Psii: BRAINS

Alternate Title: AAHAHHAHAHAHA

* * *

' _Do you love me?'_

* * *

Bright blue eyes, with rings of brown and green surrounding the circumference of her irises.

Kanako's eyes were colourful, bright and warm and full of life, making her ' _Love-Filled Eyes_ ' a perfect match for her. The magic sealed within her eyes allowed her to read the minds of those she loved, mostly family members.

Kanako couldn't read the minds of most people, not even her friends, but she was fine with that.

Kanako was completely alright with only having a few close friends.

However, she _did not_ _in any way_ , expect _Mariya Shidou_ to be one of those people, leading to one of the loudest screams Ame-no-Kisaki has ever heard the morning Kanako woke up and found her roommate's voice in her head.

* * *

 _'Do you trust me?_

* * *

Eyes redder than rubies, with a heart-shaped pupil in the center.

Mariya's eyes were blank and emotionless, refusing to allow outsiders to see his thoughts. His _'Trusting Eyes'_ were a magnificent tool for him, allowing him to hear the thoughts of people he trusted with all his heart.

Which is why, when on the first day of high school, he heard a small, almost familiar voice, he couldn't help but be intrigued.

It was rare for someone to gain his trust at all, let alone someone he hadn't met.

Stepping outside his gate to meet the mysterious stranger, Mariya soon discovered that it wasn't even a stranger at all.

After who knows how many years, what were the chances of meeting Kanako Miyamae once again?

Apparently, good enough to actually happen.

Plastering a smile to his face, Mariya kept acting, fully intent on catching up with his childhood friend.

* * *

 _'Wow, Mariya looks really good in that dress!'_

"Quit thinking perverted things," Mariya scolded, unfazed by Kanako's thoughts.

Kanako, on the other hand, was very _very_ fazed by the mind-reading, slamming her hands over her ears.

"Stop reading my mind!" Kanako screamed.

"Can't help it," Mariya replied courtly. "Not my fault I can't control when I read people's minds."

"You can't?" Kanako asked, confused. "Is it 'cause you've got a really strong eye power? Or is it because you're inexperienced?"

"Former."

"What kind of eye power is it?"

"Why do you want to know?" Mariya retorted, rolling his eyes.

"I'm just curious."

Mariya hesitated, trying to think of a good, convincing lie.

But that wouldn't be much fun.

"I'm not telling you," Mariya answered at last, immediately smirking when Kanako fell over dramatically in response.

(He didn't expect her to begin screaming about love and hearing his voice right after, and then running out the room. What was that about?)

* * *

 **This is a semi-Kagepro AU. Kind of.**

 **I kind of want to do an actual Kagepro AU but I'm tired from medicine and vomiting so please take this.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	71. Beach Balls!

**No, no, no.**

Chapter Huh: Huh.

Alternate Title: _Poor Guy_

* * *

Nicknames were an inevitable part of life.

Friends, family, enemies, practically everyone gave out and received nicknames, though whether they were a sign of friendship or hatred was another matter entirely.

Athletes were no exception.

Shooting Star, Jack Rabbit, Speed Skater, the list went on and on, most being signs of admiration and respect for said athlete's abilities.

If you didn't know the name 'Kanako Miyamae', you would think 'Hammer Arm' was another nickname of admiration. Maybe it would be, if it wasn't Kanako Miyamae.

However, when it _was_ Kanako Miyamae, the name would be more of a sign of fear than anything. Stories of volleyballs being thrown wildly off-course, crashing into people hard enough to cause bleeding were often attributed to Kanako, along with stories of property damage anytime she played sports.

The reason for this is simple.

Kanako Miyamae is beyond abyssal at any physical activity.

Look at it this way; a mouse attempting to play volleyball will be useless, but also harmless. A rhino on the other hand, will destroy everything in sight, partially because rhinos were not meant to play volleyball and partially because rhinos and their strength can and will destroy everything in sight.

Much like the example, Kanako was much worse than the typical benchwarmer. She was the player that people _actively tried_ to keep off the court, since injuries tended to follow.

Unfortunately, the terror of Kanako Miyamae playing sports did not extend to areas outside Ame-no-Kisaki, so when a game of beach volleyball had less than twelve players, they did not turn away from Kanako and ask the next person, instead welcoming their impromptu player onto the court.

Poor fools.

* * *

"Big-boobs! Watch out!"

The cry of warning was far too late, the ball crashing into Kanako's skull with enough force to topple her over, the ball flying into the air. Another member of Kanako's team quickly hit the ball to the other side, the beach ball landing in the sand at the other team's feet, earning Kanako's team the point they needed to win.

"We did it!" The other five members of Kanako's team cheered, ignoring the dazed girl sitting on the ground.

Mariya sighed, leaving his book on his towel, walking towards Kanako so he could bring her back to his spot under his umbrella.

He was not the first to reach her.

From afar, he watched as a muscular man in a swimsuit lifted Kanako from the sand, carrying her slightly-unconscious body in a bridal hold.

 _ **'Oh fuck no. Get your hands off of her.'**_

And just like that, Mariya's patience _**snapped**_ into tiny pieces smaller than specks of dust, his body immediately flying at the man to attack- no _maul_ him.

The remains were so bloody and awful that we had to censor them. It was a good thing Kanako was kind-of sort-of unconscious, or else she would have been traumatized by what she saw.

But because she was unconscious, she was completely oblivious to Mariya carrying her back to the dorms, still covered in blood.

And just like that, another insane day in their high school lives came to a close, with Kanako waking up confused and disoriented, Mariya refusing to explain anything that had happened, and the poor random guy who tried to help Kanako in the hospital.

* * *

 **This chapter was submitted by sonicfan2000. I'm still doing these submissions, I promise.**

 **I feel really bad for the guy Mariya beat up. Poor guy. I guess that Elphaba was right when she said that 'No good deed goes unpunished.'**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	72. princess?

Chapter Princess: Is it weird that I'm getting inspiration from Vocaloid songs now?

Alternate Title: _I don't know how the two of them got so damn tsundere._

* * *

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Kanako asked, holding the various snacks she had bought in both hands.

"No," Mariya replied bluntly, turning away from the taller girl, heading away from the snack bar.

' _Then why are we at the movie theater?!'_ Kanako thought as she followed, before realizing what Mariya's destination was.

"An arcade?"

"Yeah, I wanted to play some games," Mariya said matter-of-factly, almost ignoring the girl at his side in favour of making a beeline towards the shooting games.

' _Where am I supposed to put all these snacks?'_ Kanako wondered, before realizing something.

The sniper game Mariya was playing was built to resemble a car, and therefore had a bench. And even though it was meant to be sat on, it could easily be turned into a snack holder if the player was standing up.

But the booth next to Mariya was empty, and Kanako would feel bad taking up an entire booth just for the snacks. (There was no way Mariya would agree to stand up for an entire game, so Kanako wouldn't even try.)

So, Kanako dumped the chips and the popcorn and the candy and the chocolate onto the bench, took a few coins out of her pocket, and started up the game.

* * *

' _This is surprisingly fun!'_

Kanako found herself smiling as she forced zombie after zombie to eat lead, the plastic pistol in her hands amazingly accurate as she played, the point counter continuing to rise as each wave of virtual undead fell to her attacks.

Faintly, Kanako felt as if someone was watching her, but ignored it in favour to blasting more zombie brains.

"You're really good at this, aren't you?" Mariya commented, leaning over the waist-high divider that separated their booths. This startled Kanako to the point that she dropped her gun, leading to a zombie munching on her player character's health. Kanako fumbled to retrieve the gun before the game over screen, but as she finally retrieved the plastic toy, blood splattered across her screen, signalling a 'game over'.

Kanako wailed in despair, looking down at Mariya with overly-teary eyes.

"I was about to get the high score!" Kanako whined.

Mariya huffed, taking a bite out of a chocolate bar before speaking. However, anything he might have said was interrupted by Kanako screaming again, disturbing the other arcade-goers even more.

"And you're even stealing bites out of the snacks!"

"It's not stealing if it was for me," Mariya retorted, finishing his chocolate bar and going for the candy next.

"It was for both of us!" Kanako protested.

' _He's treating me like a servant!'_

Suddenly, the image of Mariya, dressed up in an elaborate gown made of jewels and lace, with Kanako in butler's clothes, kneeling before him and pressing her lips to Mariya's gloved hand came to Kanako's mind. Shaking her head to rid herself of the awful thought, Kanako prepared to argue with her roommate once again, when something caught her eye.

Mariya's screen showed the exact same 'game over' message, the words, 'You died after killing many zombies. Your sacrifice will be remembered,' displayed over the blood, with only one key difference from Kanako's.

The point counter was at a pitiful three-hundred points, barely measuring up to Kanako's seven-digit almost-high-score-material sum.

' _He must be mad because he lost to me in points,'_ Kanako concluded. _'I should probably let him win if we play more games, so that he won't murder me.'_

"Do you want to play something else?" Mariya asked, bored as he crumpled up the empty wrapper of his chocolate, stuffing it in his purse to throw out later.

"Yeah!" Kanako cheered, glad that she wasn't the one offering, since dealing with Mariya was like dealing with a snake. It was hard to get it/him to do what you want, and you were most likely going to be injured in the process, whether you succeeded or not.

Meanwhile, Mariya was celebrating for a different reason.

He really didn't mean to disturb Kanako's game. It was just that, in the heat of the moment, while watching Kanako having so much fun and laughing as she played, he just let the words fall right out of his mouth, causing the game over and Kanako becoming dejected.

As much as Mariya loved torturing Kanako, he loved her smile even more.

Kanako's smile was warm and bright, so much joy packed into it that you couldn't help but smile as well.

Of course, since Mariya is, has always been, and may always be, a tsundere, he couldn't stop messing it up for himself.

Ways of messing up the romantic/happy mood included, but were not limited to;

1) Insulting your crush.

2) Denying the romantic/happy mood.

3) Psychically harming your crush as revenge for embarrassing you.

4) Attempt to flirt, only to freak out when your crush didn't understand.

And so on and so forth.

This time, it was the first option that ruined the moment.

"Of course, we both know that _I'm_ going to win, considering how horrible you are at activities that require a working brain."

Poor Mariya. He's trying, but he can't stop his feet from running off in the direction furthest from his goal.

( _Despite that, Kanako let him win anyways, knowing her 'princess' would throw a fit if he lost, enduring his taunts and jeers in favour of her own self-preservation._ )

* * *

"Food."

"You'll get fat. Well, _fatter."_

"I paid for the food last time."

"And you will continue doing so until I say you can stop."

The image of Kanako kneeling before Mariya in a princess dress came to mind again, Kanako giggling at how accurate it was.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" Mariya demanded.

"Hehehe, I guess that's for me to know and for you to-"

Kanako didn't get to finish the sentence, Mariya pinching and stretching out her cheek painfully as he waited for her to stop protesting.

"Explain," Mariya ordered bluntly, ignoring cries of, "Hives!"

"I thought it was funny how princess-like you were acting!" Kanako blurted out.

"Fine," Mariya huffed, releasing Kanako to cross his arms over his chest, pointedly ignoring Kanako's gaze firmly directed at him. "I'll pay for the food, just this once."

Kanako's smile as she finally understands that Mariya is _being kind to her_ , in what may be the first time (that's she's noticed) is enough to make Mariya want pay for food more often.

B-but it's not like it's his heart is beating really fast and his guts feel like they've been turned into fluff, no that's obviously not what convinced Mariya at all! S-sh-shut the fuck up!

(This time, it was option two, even if it was only in Mariya's mind.)

* * *

"That ice cream bowl is bigger than your bust," Mariya noted.

"Don't tell me you've been staring!" Kanako gasped, covering her chest with one hand as the other lifted ice cream to her mouth.

"I wasn't! Who'd want to stare at some bag of fat like that anyways?!"

"Didn't we already have this conversation?! 'The people of the world who appreciate a good pair of breasts'! That's still the answer and will always be the answer!"

"Fortunately, I'm not a pervert like you, so I cannot be included in that group!"

"'Fortunately'?! How rude! I ought to rip up your credit cards as revenge!"

"Don't even fucking think about it, you lowly piece of trash."

The two of them spent most of their meal arguing.

* * *

"Why did you even drag me out here, anyways?" Kanako demanded, walking beside Mariya as they made their way towards the dorms. "Didn't I tell you that I didn't want a repeat of the amusement park incident happening again?"

"When do I have to listen to your demands?" Mariya asked rhetorically, unwilling to answer the question.

( _Good god,_ _they were practically dating already. The only things preventing it from being official was Kanako's obliviousness and Mariya's refusal to say it aloud.)_

"Wah, the haughty attitude and the royal aura are back," Kanako noted to herself.

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Please-don't-pinch-my-cheeks-they-have-taken-enough-abuse-for-today-"

"Shut up and explain!" Mariya ordered.

"You're pretty much a princess making me do all these things for you!" Kanako admitted honestly. "Seeing as you're not qualified to be a princess (what with your demon horn and all), don't you think I'm supposed to be the one getting spoilt here?!"

"No," Mariya answered honestly. "You don't deserve to be treated like royalty."

"How cruel!" Kanako wailed. "It's like my childhood dream of becoming a princess has been torn right out of my hands!"

"Your childhood dream was to become a prodigal baker/copy rider."

"Ah, shut up!" Kanako yelled, her face turning a bright red. "Don't you know that every girl dreams of being treated like a princess by their lover?!"

"Unlikely," Mariya retorted, already coming up with three girls who would most definitely not want that. Shizu would be too embarrassed by it, Kiri wasn't likely to get a lover anyways, and God would want to be worshipped like a goddess. "Plus that would imply that we were lovers, which is honestly a frightening scenario to consider."

"How cruel!" Kanako laughed, too used to Mariya's abrasive comments to be hurt by them.

Her smile was infectious, a small grin worming it's way onto Mariya's face as Kanako continued giggling to herself.

Kanako's hand, swinging by her side, caught Mariya's eye, and without thinking, he grabbed it.

"I-I just wanted to hold it," Mariya tried to explain, only failing horribly. A blush brighter than the setting sun bloomed on his cheeks.

Kanako seemed puzzled, but dismissed it as Mariya trying to give her hives again. Not a single protest left her mouth as they walked together, hand-in-hand.

* * *

 **The best part about this chapter (in my opinion at least) is that both Kanako and Mariya can be 'Len' in the Len's cover of 'World is Mine' (which is the inspiration, BTW), it's just that Kanako is better at it than Mariya.**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	73. in which shizu (M) is a marty stu

**no**

Chapter A for effort: inspired by the anime/manga 'Special A'

Alternate Title: _In which Mariya/Shizu (M) is Kei (Poor, long-suffering Kei), and Kanako is Hikari without the competitiveness (dense as fuck)_

* * *

When you've been rich, intelligent, attractive and talented at everything you've tried since the day you were born, life starts to get a bit boring.

After a while,the praise and recognition get a bit old. You become lazy, because why on earth would you put effort into something when you can do it perfectly with minimal effort? And people will either be adoring fans, jealous or quietly admiring you from afar. It gets tedious.

That's why I'm eternally grateful to Kanako Miyamae.

We formally met on the first day of elementary school, when we first became classmates. I had been allowed to skip a grade thanks to my marvelous grades, and the older students fawned over me for it. It really didn't matter though. I already received enough attention at home, so the affection of my classmates' was ignored. I peacefully settled into my old routine of sleeping in class and playing alone, assured that I would pass with top marks no matter what I did in class.

It was in the middle of one of my usual naps that I spoke to Kanako for the first time.

She introduced herself to me by kicking me in the leg, hissing,"What do you think you're doing, falling asleep in class?! You won't succeed if you don't try! Stay awake!"

It was the first time someone had been angry with me, the first time someone had scolded me. For once in my life of dullness and perfection, I found someone that completely ignored my various talents and treated me like a human being. She treated me like she did everyone else.

The day after that, I was glued to her side. and the day after that, and the day after that, until days turned into weeks and weeks into months and months into years.

Time didn't move slow enough when I was with Kanako. I can recall at least a dozen times where I wished to be able to spend an eternity with her, simply content to play some strange game or read books together for the rest of our lives.

She's the only person who can make me feel that. She's the only person who can make me feel _anything._ I feel happy when I'm at Kanako's side, amused by her screaming when I tease her (I can't help it! Her reaction is too interesting!) and sad when she leaves. She's the one who taught me what failure felt like.

Just to be clear, she didn't beat me in anything. The task I failed to complete was getting her to understand that I was in love with her.

The problem is, Kanako is dense. Really dense. Her head is so thick that I wouldn't be able to get the point across with a bulldozer. She's the type that can miss the meaning behind being given Valentine's chocolates, reply, "Where are we going?", when asked, "Let's go out," and completely brush off a love confession all at the same time. Trust me on this.

Even if it's annoying how oblivious she is sometimes, it's still something only she can give me. Good or bad, Kanako is the only one able to make me feel these emotions. And most of all, I'm happy when I'm at her side.

So, I've decided.

One day, when her heart beats faster around me the same way mine does around her, I'll get down on one knee, place a ring on her finger and tell her I've been in love with her since the day we first met.

* * *

 **To be honest, as I read 'Special A', I felt so bad for Kei that I decided to write a chapter inspired from his suffering.**

 **Poor guy. I'm only halfway through the manga, so I still don't know if it gets better or not. Please don't spoil.**

 **Anyways, hope you have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	74. in which kanako is a 6 year old

**Don't own Maria Holic or Special A.**

Chapter D for density: Kanako/Hikari, no.

Alternate Title: _I know that most elementary students are not this eloquent. It's because it's a fanfic, that's why._

* * *

I, Kanako Miyamae, have made a grave mistake.

You see, a couple days ago, I was trying to listen to the lesson on verbs and nouns, but couldn't focus because of the snoring of the weird guy sitting next to me. So, without a second thought, I kicked him awake and scolded him for sleeping in class. He seemed surprised, but that was probably because he was half-asleep. He should get more sleep at home so he doesn't sleep in class.

But then, the day after, he was with me from the moment recess started to the second we were told to go back to our seats. He was suddenly my partner for any group project we did. He walked me home. And it happened again the next day. And the next. He wouldn't leave me alone.

Through the power of kicking people in the shin, I had made a brand-new friend.

Just to clarify, that is not the mistake I was referring to. I liked spending time with Shizu, even when he teased me.

The mistake was that everyone thought we were dating afterwards.

Why would anyone think that?! I don't understand! We're friends, so why do they think we're dating?!

Hmph. I'll show them. I won't date a single person in my entire life!

( _Oh, if only little Kanako knew how wrong she was._ )

* * *

 **A Hikari companion piece to the Kei one I uploaded. Not much to say.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	75. v

Chapter ^u^: HAMSTERS!

Alternate Title: _Aw_

* * *

No.

 _No._

Mariya Shidou was _not_ , _absolutely not_ being jealous of a _fucking hamster._

"Aw, look at how happy Hammy-mon is!" Kanako squealed, holding the hamster in her arms.

"I really don't care about your pet," Mariya snapped, averting his eyes from Kanako's delighted smile.

' _Back off ham, I was the first one she gave a nickname to!'_ Mariya thought, before rapidly backpedaling. ' _Nope, nope, nope, not jealous of the fucking hamster, not jealous of the fucking ham-'_

"I love you soooooooooooooo much!" Kanako cried out, feeding the tiny baby hamster-thingy a bunch of snacks.

"Don't you think you're spoiling him a bit too much?" Mariya asked, annoyed with his roommate. "I'm pretty sure that's way more than most hamsters are supposed to eat in a week, let alone an hour."

"Wah! I'm sorry, Hammy-mon!" Kanako wailed, immediately batting the snacks away from her hamster, before bowing her head to the carpet. "I don't want to force-feed you!"

' _Is she seriously bowing to a hamster?'_

"You know, you don't have to actually apologize to him…"

"What are you talking about?!" Kanako demanded, snapping her head up from the floor to glare at Mariya. "Of course I do! I don't want him to die! After all, my science grade _depends_ on him liking me!"

"Oh, so you only like him for your grades," Mariya concluded.

"Of course not!" Kanako protested. "How could I not like such an adorable hamster?!"

Mariya sighed.

"You know you'll have to return him by the end of the project, right?"

"Huh?" Kanako froze, diverting her gaze from her precious pet to stare at Mariya in confusion, looking at Mariya in what may be the first time in days.

" _You'll have to say goodbye to your precious Hammy-mon soon,"_ Mariya reiterated, unwilling to deal with Kanako's whole 'oblivious' thing at the moment.

Kanako had the kindness to cover Hammy-mon's ears as she screamed, a kindness she did not extend to her roommate.

* * *

"Tonight is the last night you'll be with me, Hammy-mon. I hope you live a happy and successful life, with lots of snacks and-"

"SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!"

Mariya sighed as Kanako whimpered, hugging Hammy-mon to her chest with tears in her eyes, suddenly regretting yelling so loud so late at night.

 _'I'll have to take care of this by myself, won't I?'_

* * *

"Mariya!" Kanako smiled, holding Hammy-mon to her chest. "The science teacher let us keep our pets!"

"Oh really? Good for you," Mariya replied nonchalantly.

"You saying things like that so dismissively in a happy moment completely ruins the entire thing!" Kanako squealed.

"Not like I care," Mariya lied.

"Don't be so cruel! I don't want Hammy-mon to become tainted by your horribleness!"

Mariya rolled his eyes, only a little bit happy at Kanako's joy at keeping her pet.

But only a little bit.

(Kanako never found out about Mariya being behind her science teacher decided to let the students take care of the pets they had bonded with.)

* * *

 **This idea was suggested by sonicfan2000. That's all the suggestions from you! (And all the suggestions total...)**

 **I don't have much to say. I have to leave for swimming soon so bye.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	76. Mistletoe

**Do not own Maria Holic or anything else.**

Chapter 2 months before Christmas: Mistletoe

Alternate Title: _In which there is no such thing as 'the main lead gets sick and the protagonist has to fill in'_

* * *

Kanako hummed to herself as she worked, painting the mistletoe-shaped decoration a muted shade of green.

Mariya glared at her, still trying to read his lines without being interrupted by Kanako's humming. He failed miserably.

"Kanako, shut up for a couple minutes. I can't focus on memorizing Aoi's lines when you're making noises," Mariya snapped, too annoyed to focus on coming up with a good insult.

"I thought you were Akane," Kanako lifted her head from her work, a giant mistletoe carved out of wood. It was the centre piece of the finale, where both Aoi and Akane realized their feelings for one another, and kissed under the mistletoe.

"Ryuuken wanted to be the girl in a play for once," Mariya explained, flipping through his pages.

"But she's an even more convincing boy than you are!" Kanako laughed, almost dropping her paintbrush. "You're going to have a hard time convincing anyone you're a boy with-"

Mariya threw his script at her, nailing Kanako right between the eyes.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" Kanako demanded.

"You were being stupid again," Mariya retorted, a small grin on his face.

"You just enjoy torturing me, don't you!" Kanako pointed her finger at her roommate dramatically, though the effect was somewhat softened due to the paintbrush in her hand.

Mariya didn't deny it, simply taking a moment to admire the decoration Kanako worked so hard on. The wood shop students did their best to recreate the shape and feel of the plant, but Kanako's hard work what really allowed the piece to shine. Shades of green were layered atop one another to simulate light shining on actual leaves, with cherry-like berries resembling actual fruit instead of wooden spheres glued to the centre piece.

Kanako, seeing that Mariya wouldn't respond, tossed the script back to the blonde, turning back to begin painting again.

"You're doing a good job," Mariya said without thinking.

"Are... are you complimenting me?" Kanako asked warily, eyeing her roommate suspiciously.

"What, are you too stupid to recognize praise when you get it?" Mariya glared at the older girl, huffing as he grabbed his script off the floor.

"Oh, you're back to normal. Good, I was getting worried for a second."

"Worried about me? I'm flattered."

"Of course not! I was worried for my safety!"

"You don't have to go to such lengths to deny that you've fallen for my feminine charms. You can just admit it and let the whole world know of your true feelings."

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! THERE'S NO SUCH THING!"

Only the slowly-drying mistletoe bore witness to the smiles on their faces as the two bickered back and forth.

(The play went off without a hitch, though the beautifully-painted mistletoe helped the magical feeling of love blooming between the characters blossom even more.)

* * *

 **The idea for this chapter was submitted by Karin Ochibi-Chan. Even if it is two months before Christmas, I hope you enjoyed it.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	77. THIS IS HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY SCREAM

**No.**

Chapter THIS IS HALLOWEEN: THE ACTUAL HALLOWEEN CHAPTER THIS TIME PEOPLE

Alternate Title: _What would happen if Kanako got the potion? Well..._

* * *

"Mariya," Kanako pouted, stretching out the blonde's name as long as she could. "Can you shoot a flying pig?"

"No," Mariya snapped, glaring down at Kanako as she laid in bed. Kanako was completely unfazed, keeping the same drunken smile on her face as she kept asking stupid questions.

"Do mermaids swim through clouds too?"

"No."

"Can Matsurika be nice to people?"

"No."

"Do you love me?"

"No- wait, what?!" Mariya sputtered, more than a little bit angry when he saw the satisfied smile on Kanako's face.

"I _knew_ it!" Kanako declared triumphantly, her lopsided grin growing even larger. "'Cause, when I see ya gettin' all red and stuff, it looks _real_ sushpichous , you know?"

 _'How is it that you're even more observant when you're drunk?!'_

"It's hot," Mariya lied, praying that Kanako would just pass out or something instead of forcing him to suffer through another second of this torture. Unfortunately for Mariya, Kanako didn't seem to be anywhere near the point of fainting, instead seeming more lively and excitable than before he had spiked her drink with the strange recipe he stole from Kanako before.

( _Remember kids; it's rude to add strange substances to people's drinks. Don't do this at home. Or anywhere else._ )

"What 'appened to the air conditioner?" Kanako inquired, asking a reasonable question for the first time that night.

"Broken."

"No ish not. I can feel the cold air from mah bed."

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"But Mariya," Kanako whined, sitting up to grab at the blonde's sleeve. "I wanna sleep with you! Ish gonna be like a sleepover!"

"No."

"Why d'ya keep shaying no?!"

"Because 'no' is the answer to all your stupid questions lately," Mariya retorted, glaring at his possibly-drunk roommate.

"No, it's not. You love me, so the answer to that one ish yes."

" **Go. To. Fucking. Sleep.** "

"Will you be here when I wake up?" Kanako asked, pouting as she stared up at Mariya.

"Yeah, of course I will, you idiot. I sleep here too," Mariya confirmed dismissively.

Kanako simply smiled, before passing out like a rock was dropped on her head.

"How troublesome," Mariya muttered to himself, deciding to never try anything like that again.

(The day after, Kanako woke up with no memory of what happened. Mariya was slightly disappointed, but mostly relieved.)

* * *

 **Since sonicfan2000 asked what would happen if Kanako drank the potion, and it's nearing (if you call at least three weeks away near) Halloween, posty-posty time.**

 **The key part in making the potion is belief. Since Kanako believed it would have some weird effect, it functioned as a truth serum when she gave it to Mariya. Since Mariya doubted it would actually work + only did it half-heartedly + thought it was some sort of drug/alcohol, it basically became beer when he gave it to Kanako.**

 **Anyways, exposition over, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	78. Yandere mode

**No.**

Chapter Knife and Chains: In which Mariya is a yandere (for the ninth time)

Alternate Title: Yandere flavour.

* * *

Being on fire was not an experience anyone would want to live through.

Dying from it would be even worse.

Then why, _why_ , was this boy, this _lunatic,_ telling her that she asked for it? What did she do to deserve this?

As if he read her mind, the blonde smiled, as innocently as an angel, and replied, "By attempting to seduce my Kanako."

With that small, sweet smile, he dropped the lit match onto her body, the gasoline covering her catching fire quickly.

Through the cloth stuffed in her mouth, she screamed, tears running down her face, all while the culprit chuckled to himself, watching the flames dance with twisted excitement in his eyes.

* * *

"Did you hear? There was a fire in the storage room!"

"Was anyone hurt?"

"No one knows yet, but maybe the missing girl was involved?"

"You think she started the fire?"

"Who knows? But it scary, to think that someone would do this at our school..."

Mariya smiled as he passed the gossiping students, a small seed of pride blossoming within him.

Yes, he would kill, he would mutilate, he would do much worse if it meant getting a happy ending with the girl he loved.

The power of love can make you do crazy things.

* * *

 **Short yandere oneshot for Karin Ochibi-Chan. Yay.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	79. Overprotective Mode

**Nuh uh.**

Chapter 'I swear to fucking hell Kanako isn't a masochist in this one': misunderstandings galore.

Alternate Title: Overprotective Flavour.

* * *

" _You're a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to exist. Go die so that society can prosper from your absence."_

 _The moment I heard those words, I knew I was in love._

* * *

Kanako shivered as the male approached her, stepping away from the boy as much as she could, until her back hit the wall.

"Please go out with me!" The boy begged, his words lost to the terrified Kanako.

Kanako couldn't speak, couldn't breath, tears filling in her eyes as she trembled. She couldn't think, couldn't make her mind focus on anything but _running_ , an escape being the only thing she wished for in that moment.

An escape conveniently provided by Shizu Shidou, slamming his hand against the wall, startling both Kanako and the boy.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Shizu snapped, glaring at the boy cornering Kanako.

"E-eh?! I'm just-"

"Never mind," Shizu declared, cutting the other boy off. "I don't need to know, just go."

The boy doesn't move for a moment, like he's frozen in place, however, another glare from Shizu quickly sends him running.

"Come on," Shizu says, turning to the petrified girl. "Are you really going to stand there all day?"

Kanako stammered, Kanako flustered, Kanako fell to her knees, a nervous wreck.

"Hey, get up," Shizu commanded, almost glaring at the raven-haired girl at his feet, but his gaze is too soft to be mistaken for an expression of malice.

Rolling his eyes, Shizu knelt before Kanako, sighing as he said, "You're a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to exist. Go die so that society can prosper from your absence."

And even though the words are said blankly, far too monotone for it to be sincere, Kanako still snaps her head up, glaring at the blonde with the remains of tears in her eyes, ready to spit out a retort.

But Kanako paused, halfway sure that she's hallucinating.

Shizu was smiling at her, a soft, gentle smile that is so rare it might as well be a myth. There were very few times that Shizu had ever smiled, and each time made Kanako smile with him.

With her heart beating quicker, and her tears drying on her face, Kanako slowly began laughing, relieved by Shizu's presence.

...Only to stop as he flicked her in the forehead, scolding her for delaying their trip home.

' _My heart is beating really fast...'_

 _'I've fallen in love with my best friend, haven't I?'_

* * *

 **Overprotective Mariya for Karin Ochibi-chan. A bit too sleepy to edit it right now.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	80. Gift

**I do not own Maria Holic, Mariya, Kanako or any other characters in the Maria Holic universe nor do I own a rubber duck or a stapler.**

Chapter six million days and a single night: Huh.

Alternate Title: _He's been dropping hints as obvious as a firecracker in your face, but she never realized there was a puzzle in the first place._

* * *

"Valentine's chocolate? For me?"

"Of course. After all, today is a day cute girls are expected to give gifts to their _special someone_ , right Kanako?"

"...I'll pass..."

"Why?!"

"Because they're either poisoned or you're doing this so I'll give you treats on White Day."

"That's not it!"

"It's obviously an attempt to torture me! Well I won't accept it!"

"...Goddammit Kanako."

* * *

"You're giving me a birthday present?! _You,_ the spawn of evil and hell?!"

"Why do you sound so surprised?!"

"Because! You're never nice to me, and when you are, it's all part of some weird plan to mess with me!"

"What's so wrong with trying to give my _beloved roommate_ a birthday gift?"

"The fact that it's you!"

"... oh god Mariya I'm so sorry please don't kill me- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

* * *

"A Christmas present? No thank you. I'd like to live for a few more years, thanks."

"Christmas is a time when you are supposed to give gifts to your _loved ones_ , so I decided it would be fitting to give you this."

"...this is a sticky note with the words 'You're a dumbass' on it."

"Yes."

"Phew! I'm glad it was just a sticky note and not some elaborate attempt to kill me like my birthday gift! I was getting worried when you were acting weird all of a sudden, but I'm glad it's not too bad!"

"..."

"Please-don't-kill-me-I-don't-know-what-I-did-but-" A wrapped box was shoved into Kanako's face, Mariya still glaring at the older girl.

"JUST TAKE THE GODDAMN GIFT!"

"Huh? You're not hitting me?"

"JUST TAKE IT. TAKE THE FUCKING PRESENT THAT IS FIVE CENTIMETRES FROM YOUR FACE AND SAY 'THANK YOU'. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO SURVIVE."

"Eep! Er- I mean... thank you?"

Mariya's glare immediately disappeared, a cheery smile appearing on his face.

"You're welcome!"

Kanako still had no idea what was going on.

* * *

 **I wrote this because I don't want to do my French homework. It's short, sort of sweet and hopefully makes up for not updating the past few days.**

 **Anyways, have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	81. DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGOOOOOOONS

**I almost forgot what it felt like to do these disclaimers. Annoying as all hell.**

Chapter DRAGONS BITCH: HELL FUCKING YES

Alternate Title: _This is more of friendship than romance but who cares, DRAGONS_

* * *

They say that if you walk far enough into the forest, you'll see a cave.

And that if you walk very slowly, very quietly, for the inhabitants of the cave had very sensitive hearing, you would be able to sneak up to the mouth of the cave and see a shocking scene.

A golden dragon, with eyes redder than rubies and larger than boulders, and a legless woman perched on top of it's back.

It was largely accepted that said story was false, with no sign of a dragon or legless woman to be found.

But every myth has a grain of truth in it.

* * *

 _Once upon a time, there was a young girl, with the oddest job._

* * *

Kanako Miyamae was in trouble.

At the young age of twelve, she was forced to get a job, hoping she could help support her struggling family after her mother's death.

Unfortunately for Kanako, the only job she had been able to find was also blatantly illegal.

How else were you supposed to describe a job where you hauled corpses around for a day?

And no, she wasn't a graveyard worker.

Through sheer shenanigans and misfortune alone, Kanako had accidentally earned herself a position as a crime scene custodian, earning her keep by disposing of dead bodies and any evidence that could lead back to her 'generous employers'.

* * *

 _On her first day of work, the young girl got lost in the forest, unsure of where to go. She remained lost until late in the evening, deciding to take shelter in a cave so she could sleep for the night._

* * *

Kanako cursed, dragging the body behind as she walked, already used to the smell of decay and uncomfortable feeling of cold flesh under her hand.

She honestly didn't care who it was anymore, or how they died. If she didn't get rid of the body, then _she_ would be the next body waiting to be delivered.

Glancing up at the sky, Kanako swore once again when she realized how late it was getting.

 _'Fuck, it's almost sunset,'_ Kanako dumped the corpse onto the ground, allowing herself to catch her breath. _'I need to hurry up and find a place to hide this thing.'_

Scanning her surroundings once again, Kanako saw a small cave in the distance, and came up with a genius (at least in her mind) plan.

 _'I'll hide out in there for the night, and then leave the body in the cave when I return to the house in the morning!'_

* * *

 _But as the little girl approached the cave, she heard a loud growl, scaring her to the point that she dropped her delivery, fleeing immediately._

* * *

 _'Nope, nope, nope, not going in there, nope.'_

Kanako ran with renewed spirit, not caring at all about the corpse she left behind.

There was no way she was going up against a monster large enough to make the ground shake with a single roar. That would be even stupider than anything she had ever done in her life.

Fleeing the scene, Kanako turned her back on the cave, hoping to be able to run all the way to her home before dusk.

* * *

 _After the little girl left for her own home, a dragon peeked it's head outside the cave, before seeing the delivery of sweets the girl left behind. The dragon_ loved _sweets, and ate every last one with delight._

* * *

Shizu stared at the body suspiciously, poking it with a claw.

It didn't smell like a trap, so he gobbled up the corpse immediately, glad that he had the fortune to find a piece of meat right outside his home.

But still, one puny human wasn't much more than a snack, so Shizu left his cave, taking flight as he prepared to hunt.

Though neither of them knew it, that was the day that started their friendship.

* * *

 _The little girl returned the next day, wanting to retrieve the delivery she had dropped in her panic, only to find it was gone._

* * *

 _'The body's gone?!'_

Kanako dropped her current delivery in shock, scanning the ground for any sign of the one she abandoned yesterday.

She didn't find any sign it had ever existed, no bones or blood or skin or anything left behind.

And then she remembered the loud growling sounds that had emerged from the cave, a frightening possibility coming to mind.

 _'The body was alive the entire time! And it hid in the cave!'_

In order to satisfy her own incorrect assumption, Kanako scrambled over to the corpse she had dropped, thoroughly checking for any indication of breath or heartbeat. She sighed in relief when she found none.

That relief disappeared as fast as it came, a loud rumble, identical to the one that had scared her off yesterday, traveled through the air, reaching Kanako's ears in an instant.

Just like the other day, Kanako dropped her delivery and ran, back in the direction she knew safety would be, back where her home was.

Unlike the previous day, Shizu saw her flee.

The dragon eyed the running human with interest in his ruby eyes, before turning his gaze back to the body on the ground.

 _'Did she drag this here for me?'_

Shizu munched on the body thoughtfully, ignoring the cracking of bones in his mouth as he pondered.

 _'That human must be the one who left the snack for me yesterday,'_ Shizu concluded. _'I wonder why. She doesn't really have much to gain from it, and it's quite far from the nearest human settlement, if you don't have wings.'_

Shizu had yet to reach an answer by the time he finished his snack, and reluctantly set the train of thought aside, for he had hunting to do.

But just before he left, he thought of one last thing.

 _'I wonder if I'll see her again tomorrow.'_

* * *

 _The little girl decided to visit the cave again, this time bringing even more sweets than her usual delivery, laying them on the ground for the dragon to take._

* * *

 _'You've got to be kidding me,'_ Kanako thought as she pushed the wheelbarrow full of corpses through the forest. At least her employers were kind enough to provide a wheelbarrow.

 _'But where did all these bodies come from?'_ Kanako wondered. _'Was there a massacre recently, and I just didn't notice?'_

In the end, Kanako shrugged it off, partially because it didn't concern her, and partially because she was nearing her destination.

Kanako eyed the golden shine inside the cave carefully, pushing the wheelbarrow towards the sight, stopping before she got too close.

The dragon stared at her, almost wary as he watched the young girl dump the meat onto the ground before his cave. But Kanako didn't make any move to approach, instead turning back, taking the wheelbarrow with her.

Shizu briefly wondered if the human would taste good, before changing his mind. It would be cruel to eat someone who brought him food everyday, plus Kanako couldn't bring him anything if she was dead. So, the dragon decided to eat the food she brought him, and let her live another day.

 _'Thank you for the meal, tiny human!'_ Shizu thought before devouring the various corpses. This time, Kanako had brought enough for a light lunch, meaning that Shizu wouldn't have to hunt until later that evening.

What a kind human. Shizu hoped she would come by more often.

* * *

 _The girl was shy, scared of the giant beast from the many tales she had heard as a child. But day after day, she visited the dragon, feeding him a small piece of her deliveries, until her fear faded away._

* * *

The day after that, Shizu taught the tiny human his name.

It was true that it was completely impossible for humans to learn the tongue of dragons, since their tongues were too fat and short to produce the hissing sounds necessary, and their fangs were too short and round to produce the whistling needed for the more complex words. But Shizu decided that since this tiny human was so determined to visit him everyday, he might as well teach her his name.

' _Shi'_ was a short chirp, one that brought to mind the sound of birds flying through the air without a care. ' _Zu'_ was a long whistle, a cry of joy you couldn't contain when soaring through the skies and clouds, nothing but the wind in your scales and the exhilaration of flight.

His human didn't quite get it right, her ' _Shi_ ' being a prolonged high note, like the wind blowing over a field of grass, and her ' _Zu'_ being a short breath, a barely noticeable puff of air, softly exhaled from the mouth.

But, he didn't quite mind. After a while, the way she called his name became something enjoyable.

As long as the human kept visiting, day after day, he would be happy enough to completely overlook the matter of names.

* * *

 _The girl and the dragon became good friends, the girl talking about her day at work and the dragon telling tales of previous hunts. While they couldn't understand the others words, the sentiment still managed to be conveyed._

* * *

Kanako was beginning to learn the dragon, no- Shizu's body language.

When her (Kanako had no idea why, but she felt as if the dragon was a female.) eyes narrowed to the point that only a fifth of her ruby-red irises could be seen and her ears flattened against her skull, Shizu was mad. This was usually when Kanako arrived late (hey, lugging corpses through the woods isn't entirely _easy_ ) or if the dragon sensed danger.

When Shizu's ears pointed at the clouds and her lips curled to the point that her fangs were visible, she was smiling. (At least, that's what Kanako thought. She wasn't entirely sure yet.) The dragon usually showed this expression whenever Kanako showed fear or uncertainty. Kanako had the feeling that this dragon was not only lazy and absentmindedly accepting all the corpses Kanako gave her, Shizu also laughed at her pain and sorrow. Jerk dragon.

But still, Shizu was better company than the boys at home who were always mean to her, and the weird people that employed her that killed a lot of people and forced her to clean up. The only people Shizu wasn't better company than was her family.

Kanako honestly considered the dragon a friend.

They were on the verge of creating an unbreakable bond, a friendship between human and beast stronger than any magic known to the earth.

And that was her downfall.

* * *

 _And then, everything went wrong._

* * *

Kanako was supposed to be dead.

She didn't understand how she survived the torture inflicted on her by her employers, or how she was still alive despite the fact that the stumps that used to be her legs were still bleeding and staining the already-bloodstained wheelbarrow, but didn't question it. She wanted to at least see her final resting place before she passed away, and so kept her eyes directed on the path the wheelbarrow was headed, instead of the one pushing it.

Kanako's eyes widened as they approached the destination. Shizu's cave.

Would she be next? Would the dragon she thought she had befriended gobble her up just like all the other bodies she brought to the cave?

The questions rolled around in Kanako's head, her thoughts only accelerating once she realized that they had stopped.

Almost unceremoniously, Kanako was dumped on the dirt. The little girl winced at the pain, before shutting her eyes and forcing herself to relax. She was supposed to be dead. If the person transporting her learned she was alive, she would actually be dead. Kanako forced her breathing to be as quiet as possible, trying to still the tremors in her fingers. Her eyes closed, impatiently waiting for the end.

Kanako froze as she heard a roar, then loud, heavy footfalls that shook the earth. Shizu was here.

And the dragon was furious.

* * *

 _The dragon was mad that his friend was hurt, and blasted fire all over the forest. The little girl begged him to stop, fearing for the lives of all those living in the woods._

 _But the fire still burned._

* * *

Kanako gasped, her eyes filling with tears as smoke stung at them, smoke filling her lungs and _choking_ her-

Fire. Fire burned the wooden wheelbarrow that she used so often before, fire burned the person moving her body, her replacement after her employers decided she was unnecessary.

Fire burned Kanako alive.

The little girl screamed, wanting nothing more than the pain, than for everything to _stop_ , screaming and crying and wishing she was dead. Wishing she was just an unmoving corpse, waiting to be fed to a dragon and then be done with it all.

* * *

 _The dragon was remorseful when his fire burnt the forest, tears falling from his eyes as he witnessed the despair and bloodshed he had caused._

* * *

The rage was deafening, anger roaring like thunder in the dragon's ears. Shizu wanted nothing more than to _destroy_ , to kill, to harm, to make the one behind his friend's suffering suffer like she had.

But a dragon's hearing was sensitive, and even among the roaring rage in Shizu's ears, he still heard something else among the crackling of flames.

A familiar voice, sobbing.

With a cough, Shizu stopped his flames, searching for the source of the cries.

And felt his blood, the magma within his veins, freeze at the sight.

His friend, the one who fed him for so long, was screaming, her dark hair burnt off and her bleeding stopped thanks to the fire consuming her body.

Shizu panicked, trying to extinguish the flames the same way he would whenever he accidentally set his tail on fire.

By stepping on it.

Sickening crunches as Shizu's foot descended on Kanako's body again and again, trying to extinguish the flames.

The young dragon had no idea that his efforts were in vain, for Kanako was already dead.

* * *

 _The dragon's tears healed the land, the plants, the earth, and all who lived in the forest was resurrected._

* * *

Humans were much more fragile than dragons, Shizu learned, as he examined the broken, bloody body of Kanako Miyamae.

* * *

 _The dragon promised never to lose his temper again._

* * *

Tears welled in the golden dragon's ruby red eyes.

 _He killed her._

Regret, fear, sorrow, remorse... a drop fell to the earth, wetting the dirt. More and more tears fell, but no matter how much he cried, it could never undo what he did.

* * *

 _And they lived happily ever after._

* * *

Shizu cried, overcome by despair.

In his regret, he prayed, unsure to who or what, but begging that he was heard.

 _'Please. Let me meet her again, in another life, and let us be equals. Take away my wings, my scales, my claws, my flame, if it means I will not hurt her. I want to atone.'_

But no one answered.

* * *

 _The end._

* * *

"...Kanako, wake up!"

"GAH!" Kanako yelped, falling off her bed. She glared up at the source of her pain, Mariya, who was sitting on her bed, already dressed for school.

"Can't you wake me up normally?!" Kanako screamed, rubbing the spot where her head made contact with the ground.

"No, of course not," Mariya replied, grinning.

If one looked closely enough, one could almost see the fangs in his smile.

* * *

 **OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD FIRST UPDATE IN FOREVER.**

 **But I have an excuse!**

 **You see, in my school, teacher meetings go a bit like this. Every one of the teachers walks into the meeting room, taking a few moments to chat and settle down before getting to work. The head teacher thingy guy stands and clears his throat.**

 **"Alright, we all understand our part of the plan, right?" He asks, nodding as the teachers all voice their affirmations. "Well, we're going over it again just in case. Laura, you give the class the two science projects. Hit 'em with a double whammy, got it? Nathan and I will give them both tests tomorrow that we 'forgot' to announce until today. Natalie will give them another project next week, so they don't have any time to recover."**

 **Everyone agrees, and the head teacher guy gives one last rallying cry.**

 **"Let's make their lives hell!"**

 **...or at least that's how it goes in my head.**

 **But that's actually _less extreme_ than the stuff we went through.**

 **I had _six projects at once_. I have a pretty damn good excuse not to update.**

 **Anyways, I hope something like this won't ever ever happen again.**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	82. bonk

Chapter 0)!$9)(*%)!* : CHRISTMAS YAAAAAAAAAAY

Alternate Title: _No._

* * *

Kanako stared at the tree warily, ignoring the bright lights and the other presents to focus on a single box under the tree, wrapped in bright pink. The tag had her name printed on it in simple black ink.

Her instincts told her to stay far, _far_ away from the thing. It could not be trusted, _at all._

However, those were the same instincts that told her not to get into a school just to hit on girls, and thus, unreliable. They were ignored.

(If only Kanako listened to those instincts every once in a while. It would do wonders for her lifespan.)

The pink wrapping paper flew to the floor in scraps, torn apart by Kanako's hurried frenzy to open her gift. With the pink exterior gone, all that was left was opening the cardboard box inside-

At least, until the box opened itself, revealing Matsurika, maid outfit and all.

"No way..." Kanako felt herself tremble. "M-Matsurika is my gift?! Noooooooo!"

Kanako wailed in despair, already preparing herself for all the insults and injuries she would get with the maid around more often.

"Quit whining, pig," Matsurika ordered, smacking Kanako on the head with a wooden stick.

"Ow! What was that for?!" Kanako demanded, turning to face the maid, before noticing the rod.

It looked like a fishing rod, with the tip being just over her head. A mistletoe hanging from a string was hanging between her and...

"Mariya?!" Kanako screamed. "When the hell did you get here?!"

Mariya didn't answer, instead pressing a kiss to Kanako's lips.

"Merry Christmas, Kanako!" Mariya smiled as he pulled away. "Hope you love your present!"

Miki's rendition of 'Jingle Bells' was interrupted by the sound of her older sister screaming.

* * *

 **This chapter was suggested by sonicfan2000. Thank you for your continued support!**

 **And happy holidays! :D (even though it's only November...)**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	83. questions

**Woo hoo! Two updates in one day! :D Oh right, disclaimer. Well, I can do that later, not now.**

Chapter oh dear fucking hell: kids. fucking kids.

Alternate Title: _In which Rio and Yui are curious, Kanako is amused, and Mariya/Shizu (M) has to deal with his family's bullshit_

* * *

"Mom, Mama-" Rio was cut off by a hand to his mouth, his sister speaking up in place of him.

"He means 'Father'," Yui corrected her brother, exasperated.

"I do?" Rio asked.

"Father is a man, Rio," Yui explained with a sigh.

"He is?!"

Kanako giggled at the silliness of her children. Shizu on the other hand, just sighed.

"What do you want?" He demanded gruffly, earning him a smack on the arm from his wife.

"Don't be rude!" Kanako admonished her husband, before putting a smile on her face and turning to her children. "Is there something you two need?"

"We wanna know how you guys fell in love," Rio and Yui declared at the same time, in complete unison. It was terrifying, how similar and how different they were at times, the two apparently unable to decide whether they were identical in mind and soul or as different as night and day.

Kanako and Shizu exchanged a wary glance, before Kanako silently urged Shizu to start.

"It's a very, _very_ long story," Shizu stated. "Are you sure you can stay still that long?"

"Yeah! We wanna know!" Rio exclaimed, nearly bouncing in place from excitement.

"Calm down," Yui sighed, poking her brother.

"Well," Kanako begun. "It all started when your grandmother in heaven was still alive, and she introduced me to the children of her dear friend..."

* * *

The sun set around the time they got to the story of how Kanako got kidnapped by her gym bag, and Rio and Yui are put to bed, though they force their parents to pinky-swear to tell them the rest tomorrow.

It took three full days to tell the entire tale, and a few more hours when Rio and Yui get curious and shoot inquiry after inquiry at their parents. Finally, after frantically answering each and every question, Kanako and Shizu have satisfied their children, the two thanking their parents and going off to play.

Shizu sighed, tired by the ordeal.

"What's wrong?" Kanako asked, a knowing grin on her face.

"Kids can be so troublesome, sometimes," Shizu muttered.

"But you love them anyways."

"Yeah, I seem to love a lot of troublesome things."

"Hey, was that an insult?! Are you insulting me?!" Kanako demanded, pretending to be offended by her husband's words.

"Yes."

"You are the worst husband ever."

"But you love me anyways."

Kanako rolled her eyes, just before Shizu pressed a kiss to her cheek.

Yui and Rio scrambled into their parents' room a few seconds later, startled by the sound of their mother screaming.

* * *

 **This chapter was suggested by Shizzzam. Thank you for your continued support, Shizzzam! :D**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, and see you next update! :D**


	84. jobs

**Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN**

Chapter RIO NO: MARIYA WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN

Alternate Title: _Mariya, you are a goddamn awful influence._

* * *

"Mariya- um, Shizu, are you sure this is a good idea?" Kanako asked.

"Of course," Shizu replied. "And plus, this'll add some spice in our kids' love lives."

"They don't have that game."

"Not the game, dumbass, _their romantic lives_ ," Shizu corrected with a glare.

Rolling her eyes, Kanako began her weird, non-entirely logical psychic thing, fumbling with how she should word her husband's strange request.

' _Dear precious son and daughter at our prestigious school,'_ Kanako connected with her children's thoughts telepathically, her voice echoing in their minds. Her voice was shaky as she tried to read the cue cards her husband gave her. _'I offer you a deal. Since you're both at a boy's school, you might as well get boyfriends. And why not make it a competition? Whoever gets a boyfriend first gets a bigger allowance and a free prize. If it's Yui, it'll be a hamster, along with everything you could ever need to take care of it. If it's Rio, we'll get you a MMORPG account. Good luck to both of you!'_

* * *

"Do you understand now? Boyfriend equals more video game money!" Rio exclaimed excitedly, ending the (slightly-inaccurate) flashback.

"So in the end, you don't even want a boyfriend," **[PROHIBITED]** concluded. "You just want video games."

"Well, I guess getting a boyfriend wouldn't be all that bad… but video games place way higher on my priority list, you know?"

"Your priorities are screwed up," **[PROHIBITED]** replied.

"That's not important!" Rio declared. "What's important is the announcement I almost forgot to make because of your question!"

 **[PROHIBITED]** hesitated for a moment, before asking,"What kind of announcement?"

"Me and Yui are getting jobs!"

If **[PROHIBITED]** had been drinking water just then, he would have spit it out in shock. As it was, he simply gaped and twitched and Rio continued, oblivious to his friend's stupor.

"It's a cute cafe nearby, and it pays really well! I'll be able to get enough money to buy that new shooter game within a month!"

 _'Of course it's to pay for video games!'_

 **[PROHIBITED]** didn't know why he even bothered trying to think of any other reason.

* * *

"Welcome to Heart's Delight Cafe! My name is Rio, and I'll be your server!"

"What the flying fuck are you wearing?!" **[PROHIBITED]** demanded, taking a seat at the first table he saw.

"You don't like it?" Rio asked, smoothing out his skirt.

Rio was wearing a maid outfit. A frilly maid outfit. The dress was entirely too short, with ruffles and frills along every edge and seam. Rio wore a black headband with pink ribbons attached in his hair, which seemed a _lot_ curlier than it did that morning. If it weren't for the fact that **[PROHIBITED]** knew Rio beforehand, he would have mistaken the black-haired boy for a biological female.

"I-It's not that!" **[PROHIBITED]** stammered, snapping back into reality after spending far too long admiring- _observing_ Rio's new outfit. "It's just shocking to see you in a dress!"

"You've seen me in dresses before."

"That was when your dad tricked you into thinking they were wizard robes," **[PROHIBITED]** retorted, rolling his eyes as he picked up a menu. "I'll get an omelet and some hot chocolate."

"Want a personalized message? If you want, I could write something on your omelet for twenty-five extra cents," Rio offered.

"N-no, nope, of course not! J-just get out of here!" **[PROHIBITED]** yelled, already trying to think up excuses for why his face was turning red, but they turned out to be unnecessary.

Without missing a beat, Rio smiled and left for the kitchen, leaving **[PROHIBITED]** a blushed mess as he slumped down on the table.

"What are you doing here?"

"Yui?!" **[PROHIBITED]** snapped his head up, immediately staring into the cold gaze of one Yui Shidou. "What are you doing here?!"

"I work here," The blonde mono-toned, fixing the tie of her suit. "Are you going to answer the question?"

"R-Rio invited me."

"I see."

 **[PROHIBITED]** fidgeted under Yui's gaze, uneasy as his sort-of boss stared him down. He was never sure how to act around Yui whenever Rio wasn't around. The blonde was much more intimidating when her twin was not nearby, which really said a lot, given how frightening Yui normally was.

She was also a lot quieter, only speaking when she felt it was necessary or in response to a question.

 **[PROHIBITED]** never knew what to say to Yui. He wasn't very good at starting conversation, and only felt at ease whenever his conversational partner was the one leading the chat. He was someone who reacted more than he acted. And unfortunately for him, Yui never acted out whenever Rio wasn't involved.

The awkward silence lasted until Yui had to tend to another table, **[PROHIBITED]** sighing in relief when she was gone. Yui was _intense._

"Here's your order!" The cheery voice pulled **[PROHIBITED]** out of his thoughts, a cup of hot chocolate placed before him.

"Ah, thanks..." **[PROHIBITED]** turned to flash the server a grateful smile, only to falter and blush.

"R-Rio, just hurry up and get out of here!" He exclaimed without a thought, his mind too busy freaking out when it finally realized that it was _Rio_ he was talking to.

"W-wait, you didn't even get your omelet yet!" Rio protested.

"I don't care! Just leave and stop wearing that stupidly sexy dress! It's annoying!"

"Hey, isn't it a bit mean to call the dress stupid? I mean, I'm sure that there was a lot of hard work and love put into making it, so disregarding all that is a bit-"

"You two are making a scene," Yui declared as she stepped between the two, setting the omelet before **[PROHIBITED]**.

"T-thanks for the food?" **[PROHIBITED]** stammered, unnerved by Yui's sudden appearance.

"You're welcome!" Rio smiled and walked away, Yui following behind him.

 **[PROHIBITED]** cursed, stabbing a fork into his omelet and getting a few stares from the other customers.

* * *

 **I'm tired. But I still have a presentation on Tuesday and a project due on Wednesday...**

 **aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa**

 **I hope you have a nice day/night/whatever and see you next update.**


	85. shizu yes

**no no no**

Chapter Santa hat: Shizu is doing good for the world

Alternate Title: ' _Kana, that is not how you unintentionally seduce my brother. You have to do it like this.'_

* * *

"Kanako, no."

"But Shizu," Kanako whined, dragging out her friend's name as she pouted. "He deserves it!"

"Even if he does, Mariya will _kill_ you if you give him coal," Shizu reasoned.

"But I don't know what else to give him!" Kanako crossed her arms. Stupid Secret Santa.

"Then why don't you do this?" Shizu whispered into Kanako's ear.

* * *

Kanako was beginning to notice a pattern.

Every time she needed to give Mariya a gift, she would end up making him sweets. And while she enjoyed making desserts, Kanako was beginning to get a bit annoyed. What was she, a personal chef?

No, this time, she had to go above and beyond making sweets!

Kanako clenched her hand into a fist, eyes shimmering with determination...

Only to be alarmed by the sound of an oven beeping, reminding her that she had cookies baking in the oven.

 _'Grr, fine! I'll give him sweets_ and _the best gift ever!'_ Kanako decided, taking out her cookies with a glare that could kill tigers.

* * *

"What Mariya would want for a gift?" Shizu repeated.

"Yup!" Kanako replied with a smile.

 _'You. He wants you._ '

Shizu ignored the desire to admit that out loud, and instead settled on tapping her chin thoughtfully as she pretended to consider it.

"Why don't we visit the mall to look for a gift?" Shizu suggested.

Kanako nodded eagerly, a wide grin on her face. Shizu had to keep the smirk off hers.

Shizu might have been better morality-wise then her brother, but she was just as bad in terms of competitiveness.

With her angelic smile still on her face, Shizu continued to advance her plan.

* * *

"Shizu, I think Mariya already has a Santa dress," Kanako commented.

"Oh no, this isn't for him," Shizu turned away, covering up her cheeks, as if they were turning pink. "I-I was sort of... interested... in them... so I wanted to try one on. B-but I would be so embarrassed if Mariya or Rindou saw me and it would be weird if I went alone, so I wanted you to come, Kana!"

Shizu could practically see Kanako's train of thoughts quickly rushing into perverted territory, Kanako turning a bright red as blood spilled from her nose.

The thought of Shizu in a Santa dress was too much for Kanako, and she fainted immediately. A saleswoman rushed over to help, propping up Kanako's unconscious body so that she didn't bleed on the dresses.

"Ah, she'll be fine!" Shizu reassured the saleswoman. "She just needs to take her medicine later. Oh, but while you're here, how much is that Santa dress...?"

(Mariya later found an unconscious Kanako in a Santa dress tied up with ribbon and lace in his room. A box was at her feet, an envelope attached to the wrapping paper with tape.

 _'Dear Big Brother and Matsurika,_

 _Merry Christmas! Me and Kana collaborated on our gifts for you two._

 _Hope you love it!_

 _-Shizu'_ )

(Kanako woke up to the sight of Mariya chasing Shizu with a butter knife, Matsurika recording the entire thing on her brand-new video camera while munching on what Kanako swore was one of the cookies from her initial attempt to make a gift for Mariya.)

* * *

 **Since winter break is here (yes!) and Christmas is literally next week (YES!), I decided to do this tiny chapter before I have to work on my tech project over the break (nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!)**

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, happy holidays and see you next update! :D**


	86. brief yandere and screaming

**Don't own.**

Chapter uhhhhhhhhhhhh: I blame Yandere Simulator

Alternate Title: _I am supposed to be doing a project right now_

* * *

Not for the first time that day, Mariya regretted not preparing the room beforehand.

The basement was dark and musty, even a few leaks in the corner. That wouldn't do.

There was no way he was putting Kanako in this dump. No, only the best for the one reliable source of entertainment in his life.

Sighing, Mariya dumped the bodies in the corner. He would have to dispose of them later, but for now, he had to prepare.

Hiding the knife in his hands, Mariya shut the door to the basement, bursting up the steps.

"Welcome home, Mom and Dad! Oh? Shizu, Matsurika, and Rindou are out right now."

"I don't think they'll be back anytime soon."

* * *

 ***muffled screaming because I hate programming so much***

 **Anyways. Maria Holic. Yes. Now back to project work.**

 ***more screaming***

 **Have a nice day/night/whatever, see you next update and have a great new year!**


	87. announcement

I just want to officially announce that the Shared Misadventures Of Girls' Dorm 2 is now finished. Or maybe dead is a better word?

Yeah, it was fun writing it, but lately my motivation to write more has dwindled down to absolute zero.

I hope this provides some closure, and that you find fics about your favourite ships of the very highest quality.

It was fun, but I'm afraid the misadventures had to end sometime.


End file.
